by Vera Hollins
“Are you a masochist?” I flinched and met her eyes, hurt by her derisive tone. “Do you have Stockholm syndrome?”
I swallowed past the lump in my throat. “Mel—”
“Because I can’t explain how you can love a person who hurt you so much, Sarah. I don’t care if he saved your life or not. He is a monster.”
“I know, Mel. I’m well aware of everything that’s happened. Hell, even now I feel so dumb and hate these feelings—”
“Then why do you have them? And don’t tell me it’s because he’s changed or some bullshit like that.”
“He hasn’t really changed, if you must know,” I snapped. I hated myself for being this way. I loved Hayden, but I hated that I loved him. I wanted to be with him, but I couldn’t trust him or forgive him. What could I do? “So it’s not like I love him because he’s different.”
“Then why?”
I looked around us. A few students came our way, and I waited for them to pass before I let it all out.
“I don’t know! Okay? I mean, I know he has a good side. I know all the great things he’s capable of. And I remember all those moments when I felt we shared something special. He risked his life to save mine. At one point, he cared for me. In his own way, but he did. There’s goodness in him, but there’s darkness too, and I tried my best to push him out of my heart. I didn’t forget how much he hurt me or all my fears, doubts, pain... I know everything. I remember everything and all those memories suffocate me and feed me with even more doubts.
“I’m aware that there might never be anything between us. I’m well aware that he might hurt me and break me completely, but tell that to my heart! I wish I could erase my feelings. I wish I could rely on my logic. It would be so much easier. And I really, really hoped I’d grow to love Mateo, but I... I... I can’t. I’m sorry, Mel, but I made a big mistake. I can’t be with Mateo.”
I finished, defeated, heavy twirls of misery compressing my chest. Melissa’s eyes were hard on mine as she stared at me silently, and I felt extremely exposed before her, deeply vulnerable because I’d shared my deepest feelings. I didn’t like bringing my feelings out in the open like this at all.
“Well...,” she said at last. “If that’s how you feel, then...” She cursed silently and ran her hand down her face. “Look. I can’t really understand you, sorry. I’m trying my best, but I can’t. I’ve always hated those girls who fall for their abusers because for me, there’s no excuse for abuse. What’s more, Mateo is a great guy. He doesn’t deserve this.”
The pounding in my chest grew stronger. Her harsh words only sparked more unease, making me feel like a stupid kid with inappropriate feelings.
I tucked my hair behind my ears. “I know he doesn’t deserve this, but he also doesn’t deserve to live in an illusion. I can’t give him more than I already have, and believe me, that is far from enough.”
Her eyes flickered to someone behind me, and I turned around, following her gaze. Hayden was walking with Maya in our direction, and they were holding hands. Once again, jealousy stirred in my stomach, but I couldn’t do anything to quell it. I wished he would return my gaze, despite knowing all too well I shouldn’t be this way.
He must’ve seen me standing here with Melissa. It was impossible not to notice us when we were right in the middle of the path and they were just a few feet away from us, but Hayden didn’t look at me even once, listening to Maya telling him something with his eyes fixed on the distance. Maya’s eyes landed on me, and the corners of her mouth curved into a haughty smirk. I frowned, confused by her spiteful reaction.
I held my breath as they moved sideways to pass us, my whole body tingling with Hayden’s nearness...
Nothing. Not even a glance.
I let out the breath I’d been holding, battling with the incoming disappointment. I didn’t expect us to become friends or anything after what he did for me on Tuesday night, but why was he back to ignoring me?
“Okay, that was so obvious,” Mel remarked flatly, crossing her arms over her chest.
I returned her gaze. “What was obvious?”
“That you stared at him like a lost puppy and he was ignoring you on purpose.”
Was she provoking me? What was wrong with her?
“Let’s go,” I said, refusing to engage.
We continued walking in silence. I was angry at Mel for being so difficult to talk to. I wanted to pry my eyes off Hayden and Maya, but something masochistic in me forced me to keep looking at them—to see just how close they were walking to each other—until they got lost in the crowd.
“I just hope you know what you’re doing,” Mel said quietly. “I mean, about the breakup.”
“I know he won’t take it well, and I feel terrible because of it, but I have to do it. Besides, you said yourself he was one of the popular guys in your school. He can find a girl easily, so maybe this won’t affect him much.” I could only hope.
She chuckled without humor. “I know how I sounded then. I described him as a playboy who just wanted to fool around, but while I totally dislike that kind of behavior, he’s one of the good guys, as I told you once. Even I can see he’s genuinely kind and cares about others.”
Why did she sound so sure about it when they weren’t friends before he met me? “How do you know that?”
“Because he helped me once. There was a boy who was constantly bullied by our upperclassmen. I tried to help him, but I couldn’t do anything as two guys held me in place and forced me to watch their friends beat that poor boy to a pulp. I kicked and screamed, but it was useless. Then Mateo came, still in his football uniform after his game, and went against all four of them, in spite of them being older and more muscular. All he had as a weapon was his football helmet. Unbelievable. That was the moment I knew Mateo Diaz was much more than just a popular guy or heartbreaker. He had a heart. And this breakup will hurt him badly because you aren’t just some chick he uses to kill time. He cares about you a lot.”
We reached the bleachers and entered a throng of chattering students and parents. I was at a loss for words, taken aback by her story, which left me feeling even worse.
We were lucky to find the last two available seats in the middle of the first row. We pushed through the students before someone else took them, and even with the nervousness brewing in me, I got caught up in the football frenzy surrounding me, excitement gradually searing its way through me.
East Willow High’s team appeared on the field first, wearing white uniforms, and Blake led the way as our team’s captain. Hayden stood next to the bench alone. Masen and Blake high fived Hayden when they stopped next to him wearing excited smiles.
I wondered if Hayden missed playing football. He probably did, and an old unease wedged itself in my chest. He couldn’t play because of me, and knowing what I knew now about him, I guessed sports were his outlet—a way for him to let out all his pent-up energy and emotions. Maybe that was why he fought more recently. It was his coping mechanism.
“Did you see Coach Benner’s brother? He’s handsome!” a girl sitting on Melissa’s right side exclaimed, and I glanced at her.
“Handsome?” one of her friends asked her with a grimace. “He’s the same age as my dad!”
“So what?” The first girl shrugged. “He might be old, but he’s a DILF.”
“Ewww!” a third girl said. “Really? You’d do that with old guys?”
“If they are as hot and ripped as he is, I’m all for it.”
Mel met my gaze, barely suppressing her laughter. I looked over the field, searching for Coach Benner, but I couldn’t find him anywhere. He had a brother? I didn’t know that.
More people gathered on the field, and my eyes returned to Hayden, who was facing the bleachers now. He was laughing loudly with Blake and Masen, and I stared at him in a daze. I hadn’t seen him smile like this in a long time. It was an honest, radiant smile, his eyes sparkling with joy, and I got a sudden urge to draw him. My fingers itched to take a pencil and make hi
s beautiful smile come alive on paper.
A fluttering sensation rippled through my stomach. He was so handsome, even with those bruises on his face, and I couldn’t look away, absorbing the sight of his smile hungrily.
He looked directly at me, as if he’d sensed me watching him, and it happened so quickly I didn’t have time to mask my enamored expression. His smile dropped, and he frowned; his eyes bored into me with fierce intensity. I fought to breathe, and a hot blush rolled over my cheeks.
Hayden... Seconds turned into eternity—our eternity—and I embraced this old feeling eagerly. His eyes held bitter anger, adding new layers of tension in me, holding sway over me...
A man entered my field of vision when he passed in front of Hayden, blocking my view of him for a moment. I looked at him, and my body froze, all the air sucked out of me.
What the hell?
My heart hammered against my ribs as I took him in. No.
Those petrifying blue eyes. That bulky appearance, which infused fear in me. That dangerous aura he’d always emanated.
More than three years had passed, but Brad, mom’s crazy, abusive ex-boyfriend from New Haven, looked exactly the same, if not more muscular.
Oh God. He was supposed to be in prison!
Brad glanced in my direction and caught my gaze. He halted, his eyes widening in recognition.
Oh God, oh God, oh God.
My breathing turned shallow, and the edges of my vision blurred. I could hear Mel telling me something, but her voice sounded muffled in my ears.
The surprise on Brad’s face was quickly replaced by a grin that only inspired more fear in me, reducing me to that helpless little girl who couldn’t escape from his nightmare-inducing brutality.
Brad was in Enfield.
He was free.
And now, he was on his way over, not taking his eyes off of me even once.
Chapter 7
THE FIRST THING I REMEMBERED after Brad knocked me out in our apartment in New Haven was a police officer crouching next to me and telling me to take it easy because I might have a concussion. The cops had already taken Brad away, and the paramedics were treating my mother, who was in a state of shock and had internal bleeding.
Thankfully, someone had heard the noise and called the police, who arrived before Brad could rape my mother, but the incident had a big impact on her, and she wasn’t herself for days. A few weeks later, she notified me we were moving to Enfield, and I found out only after our move had nothing to do with my granddad’s will and everything to do with escaping Brad. So in a way, my life had taken this course because of him.
A couple of months later, Brad was found guilty of battery, sexual assault, and being under the influence of drugs, but then came the biggest blow—he was sentenced to only seven years in prison. It was mind-boggling, and I believed, unprecedented, but our appeal against his short conviction failed.
Nevertheless, he should be in prison, but three years later he was out and moving to me quickly. I had to bolt.
“Sar? Are you even listening to me?” Mel asked me, but I couldn’t waste time explaining myself to her.
“I’m sorry, but I have to go.”
I jumped from my seat and ran, attracting other people’s attention fast, but for once, I didn’t care about their scrutiny. I couldn’t, when terror grew stronger in me, threatening to bury me under my old fears. My back injury prickled, but I had to keep running...
He’s here! That psycho is here, and he’s going to do something...
I descended the bleachers, plotting my escape route, but I realized too late Brad was running after me. Just as I climbed down the last step, he caught my upper arm and yanked me to a stop, his steely grip keeping me in place. I turned around with a shriek, meeting his eyes that glimmered with amusement.
“Let me go! You can’t do anything here. There are a lot of witnesses,” I shouted, and more people turned to see what was going on.
He loosened his grip on my upper arm, but he didn’t release me, keeping me close to him. He looked almost the same as three years ago, except that his face had a few extra wrinkles and a sharper, more menacing look, despite the smile he carried on his face.
“Relax. I’m not doing anything. Aren’t you happy to see me? Your mother and I go way back—”
“Don’t act like we’re old friends!” I retorted with a tremor in my voice.
“Ah, but we are.” I tried to pull my arm away from him to no avail. He acted surprised to see me here, which could mean meeting him was a pure coincidence. The cruelest coincidence, actually. “You’ve become so pretty. You’re all grown up now.”
His words made my skin crawl, and I looked around, hoping to find a teacher who could help me, but no one was looking in our direction.
“Let me go,” I repeated.
“Why are you so afraid of me? I’m a changed man now.” His voice was laced with friendliness, but that only had me on high alert, my eyes meeting his in fright. He was playing nice, which meant he was even more unpredictable and dangerous.
“How did you get out of prison? Did you break out?”
He barked out a laugh. “You’re as stupid as your dear mother. You think I would appear in public, in front of so many people and photographers, if I’d escaped from prison? I got out early for good behavior.”
You’ve got to be kidding me!
“How’s Patty?” he asked, using his nickname for my mother, but then Coach Benner approached us, wearing a frown as he looked between us. Brad finally let go of me.
“Is everything all right?” he asked. I didn’t waste a moment. I darted away, running to the school.
I glanced over my shoulder to see if Brad was following me, but he didn’t move from his spot, glaring at his brother.
I entered the school through the back entrance, my footsteps echoing in the deserted hallway as I ran. I kept looking over my shoulder, expecting to see Brad hot on my heels, but I was all alone.
Running did nothing to warm my cold limbs. The flashbacks of all those times I found him abusing my mother haunted my mind. I felt queasy, running with no destination, asking myself repeatedly why?
Why had he gotten out of prison early for good behavior? Why did he come here? Why did I have to see him? Why was my life so bleak?
My legs took me to one of the empty classrooms, panic playing me like a puppet. I reached the back of the classroom and slid against the wall, falling to my knees. I was already feeling defeated.
He would definitely look for my mother now. He would want revenge. I sniffed and wiped my teary eyes with the back of my hand, laden with fear. I lowered my head onto my lap, and my hair brushed the floor, falling all around my face. I convulsed with silent sobs as my heartbeat increased rapidly.
Breathe, Sarah. Breathe.
I rocked back and forth, trying to calm down, but I couldn’t. Pain and fear crushed my chest. My phone rang loudly, and I jerked in fright. I noticed Mel’s ID on the screen, but I silenced the phone. I wasn’t ready to talk with her.
I pressed my hand against my heart, which was now pounding too fast. I was gasping, but I couldn’t draw enough air into my lungs.
I’d always thought we got rid of him for good. I’d known he would serve his sentence eventually, but it had been easy to get too comfortable when I believed that time wouldn’t come in the near future.
How could you be so naive, Sarah? You can never get rid of darkness in your life. You’ll always suffer and wither in sorrow and terror.
Until you die...
A loud whimper broke out of me. Now what? I closed my eyes tightly, my limbs too cold and heavy as I rocked myself faster.
Now my mother was in danger. I was in danger too because I testified against him during his trial. Brad had every reason to hate us. We had no protection.
I fought to breathe, losing myself on the floor. I was losing my mind beneath a shroud of anxiety and uncertainty, and I couldn’t cope... I couldn’t breathe...
I couldn
’t breathe!
I was inhaling fast, but this did nothing to give me the much-needed air. I pressed my forehead against the floor, panic burning my chest. My heart thudded too fast.
Relax, Sarah.
My heart was going to burst!
No, it won’t. Just don’t think about it.
I couldn’t! Why was everything happening to me? I hit the floor with the open palm of my right hand, breaking down. I hit it over and over again, losing myself in a pain that grew thick all around me.
“Hey,” someone said, appearing in my field of vision. They caught my shoulders, and I flinched, twisting around...
I let out a gasp of surprise when I saw Hayden crouching next to me. There was concern in his eyes, which only made my heart beat faster, doing nothing against my rising panic. I gulped for air, but it wasn’t enough.
He took a hold of my shoulders again and steadied me. “Don’t hurt yourself.” He slid his hand down my arm and wrapped his fingers around my right wrist, holding it gently. “Take slow breaths.” I closed my eyes, wheezing. “Hey. Look at me.” He grasped my shoulder and kneeled so close to me that our knees touched. “Look at me.”
I opened my eyes and blinked rapidly to clear my blurry vision. His voice sounded so soft. So unlike him. So like Hayden from the hospital that night...
“You’re okay. Nothing bad will happen to you. Now breathe slowly.”
“I-I can’t...”
“You can.”
“My heart will burst...”
“It won’t. Come on. Breathe in.” I took a deep breath. “Now breathe out.” I exhaled, all the time holding his blazing eyes. They became my anchor, my solace in the dark.
We repeated this a few more times, until I could breathe normally. A couple minutes later, my heartbeat finally slowed, and I could think properly again, becoming fully aware that Hayden was here and was helping me with my panic attack.
Hayden is helping me with my panic attack.
He was here, and his eyes held the unusual warmth that filled me with longing. My gaze landed on his warm hand that was still holding my wrist. Tingles spread across my skin under his touch, and my heart took off at a gallop, but now it had nothing to do with panic. The pulse in my wrist was fast against his fingers, revealing just how excited I was.