by Vera Hollins
He glanced at my hand and swallowed with difficulty; his eyes showed his inner battle. He flexed his jaw, clutching my wrist for a brief second before he released it. He got up and backed away. I stared at my wrist, missing the touch I shouldn’t enjoy or crave.
I cleared my clogged throat. “Thank you,” I said timidly, hoping he would accept my gratitude this time.
He perched himself on the edge the desk and crossed one leg over the other, looking through the window. He didn’t say anything, and I sighed, studying his somber face.
“Why are you here?” I asked quietly.
“You ran off the bleachers, and I saw the coach’s brother chasing you. He grabbed you and held you against your will, and you looked scared shitless.” He closed his eyes briefly and took a deep inhale. “I wanted to tear him to pieces for that, but then I saw you rush to the school, and I had to...” He exhaled and directed his gaze back to the window. “I had to check on you.”
My chest constricted, and the breath I’d been holding released in raspy puffs. He... He cared.
“How did you find me?”
“I was running after you, but I lost you. Your ringtone gave you away.”
He was running after me? My heart went into overdrive. “But what about the game? You’re missing it—”
His eyes sliced into me. “I don’t care about the fucking game, Sarah.” His eyebrows dipped into a scowl. “How do you know the coach’s brother?”
“It doesn’t matter,” I mumbled, casting my eyes down.
“Well, you just had a panic attack, so I doubt that. But I get it. You don’t want to tell me.”
I recognized hurt in his words. It was barely discernible, but it was there, and a well-known surge of hope swept through me. Maybe he hadn’t moved on. Maybe I was still in his heart.
I inhaled deeply. My instinct and heart told me to be honest with him. I had no idea why I had a feeling that everything was going to be all right when I didn’t trust him, but right now I didn’t want to think about our dark past.
I closed my eyes. “He’s mom’s ex-boyfriend from New Haven. He abused her for a long time. A few weeks before we came to Enfield he...” I ground my teeth together. “He tried to rape her in our apartment. I got there right when it was about to happen, then...” I squeezed my hands into fists and opened my eyes, gluing them to one spot on the floor. I felt vulnerable, but I wanted him to know. I wanted to share this with him.
“And then what happened?” He sounded impatient, and I looked at him. He was rigid with tension, and his anger rolled off him in hot waves. His dark brown eyes grew almost black as he observed my face.
“I tried to help her. He didn’t hear me approaching, so I hit him with a chair, but it wasn’t enough, and he struck me. Eventually, he knocked me out, and when I woke up, the cops were already at our place.” A shaky breath ventured out of my lips. “He was sentenced to seven years in prison, but he’s out on good behavior. Now that he’s seen me... I don’t know what he will do.”
“Son of a bitch,” he hissed, looking beyond pissed off. “That sick motherfucker. I’m going to kill him.” He punched the desk he was leaning against, and I recoiled at the sudden, loud clatter. “I’ll rip off his fucking balls and push them down his fucking throat until he chokes on them and then slice him piece by piece—” he went on, each his word filled with hatred and darkness spreading more coldness through me.
“H-Hayden?” I whispered, shocked at his sudden change in behavior. These words were too gruesome, and I was surprised that he could get this mad at Brad.
His eyes landed hard on me, and I winced. “What?” he asked, irritation lacing his sharp tone.
“Why are you so angry?”
He opened his mouth to answer me, but then he stopped himself, closing his lips wordlessly. He held my gaze quietly, until he looked away, clenching his jaw so tightly I could see his muscles twitching.
I pressed my hand against my throbbing chest. Of course he wouldn’t tell me. He didn’t trust me. I got this, but it didn’t mean it hurt any less. Either way, I didn’t want him to feel so violent because of me. I didn’t want him to feel such ugly, destructive emotions.
“The things you said are awful.”
“Shitheads like him deserve awful. No. They deserve the worst.”
No, this was wrong. We were starting to argue again.
“I don’t want you to feel so negative, Hayden. You shouldn’t wish to hurt someone like that. He’s horrible, but the police should handle him and—”
“And aren’t you naive?” He eyes were mocking me, his sneer twisting his face into an ugly grimace. “The police? Are you joking? That same shitty ‘justice’ system that allowed him to get out so early? There’s no justice in this world, unless you take matters into your own hands.”
I stared at him, and my breath caught. Everything spiraled down once more, and the negativity between us grew larger. “You don’t have to worry about Brad. He’s my problem. Not yours.” The moment I said these harsh words, I regretted it.
He straightened up and glared at me. “You’re right. He’s not my problem, because I don’t care if anything happens to you or not.” He spun on his heel and headed out of the classroom.
He doesn’t care? Yeah, right!
“Then why did you come?!” I jumped to my feet, fury clouding my mind. “Why did you help me with my panic attack? Why are you so cold one moment and hot the next? Why did you ignore me and then come to help me? You’re confusing me so much!”
I hit my hips with my fists, desperate to know the answers and decipher him, but it seemed impossible. He was so many things, and he always made me feel so much... Even this anger.
He whirled around and crossed the classroom in a few quick strides. He came too close to me and slammed his hands against the wall on both sides of my head, cornering me. His face was only inches away from mine, distorted in uncontained anger.
“I am confusing you?! Do you have any idea what kind of shit you’re putting me through? After everything, you ripped me apart! You’re a selfish, cold bitch who moved on so easily, so happy with that asshole, while I was left behind! On my own. And now you want me to tell you why I’m like this? Why should I tell you a damn thing when all you’ll ever do is walk over me?!”
I shook my head and looked to the side, unable to endure his accusing stare.
“Look at me!” he roared and grabbed my chin, forcing me to meet his hateful eyes. “You’re with that shitface, but even now you’re playing with my emotions!”
“I’m not playing with your emotions!”
“Yes, you are! Looking at me the way you do... And just your nearness... I... Ah, fuck!”
He hit the wall next to me, and I yelped. He hit it again and again, and the close sounds of bones crashing against the wall made me sick to the core. His eyes were dark with pain, craving, and hate, focused on that spot on the wall.
“Please, stop!” He didn’t listen to me, smashing his fist into the wall relentlessly, and I grabbed his taut arm and pulled it away. I trembled hard as I stared at his raw, bloody knuckles. “Please... Stop.” My voice trailed off, and I closed my eyes. “Stop...”
Something just squeezed my heart, and I didn’t think anymore. Completely lost in a disarray of emotions, I looked in his eyes and pressed my lips above his bloody knuckles.
And then everything stilled. He met my gaze, his eyes widening, and I drowned in warmth and tenderness as I watched them lose their edge. His hand gradually relaxed under my trembling lips, and relief permeated me. This was working for both of us, mollifying our rage.
I removed my lips from his skin, but I didn’t let go of his hand, trapped under his fiery gaze. He shifted closer to me, his body radiating a different kind of warmth—the one that enticed me and seeped into my every pore.
Just as I was about to break the contact and put some distance between us, my eyes flickered over his shoulder. I let out a startled gasp.
Mateo stood at th
e front of the classroom, looking at us with an expression of shock.
Chapter 8
I DROPPED HAYDEN’S hand. Mateo was in his yellow football uniform, flushed and sweaty from running. The game was probably already at halftime, which could explain why he wasn’t on the field.
This wasn’t how I wanted him to find out about my feelings for Hayden. We weren’t supposed to break up like this, and I felt like the most horrible person as he took a step back and then another. He bumped into Mel, who had come into the classroom behind him and was staring at Hayden and me with disappointment.
When I kissed Hayden’s hand, it wasn’t a gesture of a lover. I didn’t see it as cheating, because I was just helping Hayden, but there was no way Mateo would see it like that.
“Mateo...,” I said, wiping Hayden’s blood off my chin. Hayden’s eyes flashed with hate at the mention of his name, still fixed on me. I couldn’t breathe as I watched him put his usual neutral mask on, turn around, and walk away, but Mateo stood in his way.
“Where do you think you’re going?” Mateo hissed at him.
Hayden fisted his hands. “Move, unless you want me to decorate the floor with your blood.”
“You’re not going anywhere.”
“Mateo, let him go,” I pleaded him, guilt weighing me down. I had no idea what was happening between Hayden and me, but I didn’t want him to misinterpret that moment.
He didn’t even pay attention to me as he stared Hayden down, his jaw locked in anger. “You were messing with my girlfriend and—”
“He didn’t do anything. We were just—”
“You don’t have to speak for me,” Hayden interrupted me, his voice thick with animosity. He got into Mateo’s face. “I don’t give a shit what you think about me. This is between you and...” He glared at me. “Your girlfriend,” he spat. “So I have no intention of staying here and watching you lovebirds fight. Now move!”
He shoved him hard against his shoulders, and Mateo lost his balance. He crashed against the desk and fell down on all fours.
“What is your problem, motherfucker?!” Melissa pounced on Hayden and hit his shoulders, blocking his way. “You can’t treat him that way—”
“Shut the fuck up already.” Hayden grabbed her upper arms and pushed her away from him so hard she also fell to the floor.
“You asshole!” Her veins protruded from her temples. “How can you push a girl like that? You aggressive jerk!”
Hayden was at the door when he swiveled around and stared daggers at Melissa. “So, it’s okay for you to hit me, but the moment I push you off me so I can walk away, I’m the one who’s aggressive? Shut your fucking mouth and grow up!”
He dashed out of the classroom without even looking at me, and I stood glued to the spot. This was all my fault.
I wondered if this was karma or something. I just wanted Mateo to be fully focused on his game when he played, and then speak to him and solve the things between us, but now... Now, this needed even more solving.
“Unbelievable,” Mel bit out. “He’s such an asshole.”
I looked at Mateo, who was sitting on the floor with his arm placed against his bent knee, looking sideways. “Mateo, I—”
“Stop,” he interrupted me, his voice unusually coarse. “Don’t feed me some useless excuse.”
My heart jolted. His light brown eyes were devoid of their usual happy glimmer, his face drawn with pain.
“It has always been him,” he muttered. “I knew that, but I’ve always hoped you would...” He shook his head. “I was such a fool.”
“I wanted to tell you—”
His eyes sliced into me, and I flinched. “Tell me what? That you’re with this douchebag?”
“No! I’m not with him.”
“Then what was that shit about?” He got up, shaking his head. “No. I don’t want to know.”
“I think I should leave you to discuss this,” Mel said and left the classroom without waiting for a response. A thick silence fell on us, increasing the tension in the room.
“Please let me explain,” I started. “I just wanted to help him. He was mad, so I tried to make him calm down...” I stopped, aware of how stupid my words sounded. Kissing his hand to make him calm down?
“This is a joke, right?” I pressed my lips together. “So, kissing someone to calm them down is okay? Does that apply to sex too?” he mocked me.
I was ashamed, but there was nothing to it. “It’s not like that!”
“Then what? You kissed him, Sarah!”
“On the bloody hand!”
“I can’t believe you would do something like this behind my back. You kissing him like that... That’s just sick.”
“I didn’t plan for this to happen. I didn’t plan to be here with Hayden and do... Do that.” I hadn’t been able to predict it, let alone avoid it.
How could I explain what it felt like being next to Hayden? I couldn’t even put into words how intense our emotions were when we were together. That wasn’t something I experienced with other people. Only with him.
“You don’t need to give me the details. I heard enough.”
I arched my eyebrows. “You heard enough?”
“You two were shouting like crazy at each other. That’s how Mel and I found you.”
I closed my eyes, my temples pulsating painfully. I just wanted this day to be over. I wanted to crawl into my bed and forget about my mother, Brad, the fight with Hayden, Mateo—everything.
I met his gaze. “I wanted to talk with you right after your game. I wanted to be honest with you and tell you my feelings and...” I drew a deep, shuddering breath. “I love Hayden.”
He balled his hands into fists. “No shit.”
I grimaced inwardly. I wasn’t used to him being this harsh, but I couldn’t blame him. If only I hadn’t kissed Hayden’s hand—
No. What’s done is done, Sarah. So no more running.
“I’ve hoped I would forget him. No, I was sure I would forget him. I didn’t want to be with Hayden. I liked you, and I wanted to make you happy, but then...”
“Then what? Prince Charming swept you off your feet again?” he said sarcastically.
I exhaled a heavy breath, ignoring the hurt his words caused me. “Then I realized I can’t forget him that easily. I can’t make you happy, Mateo. I made a mistake. I shouldn’t have started a relationship with you—”
“Just stop!” He pressed his fingers against his temples. “Now you’re telling me our whole relationship was a mistake?”
My lips quivered as I fought to hold his angry gaze. “N-No. It’s not like that.”
“Oh please.” He rolled his eyes and stopped in front of me. “You have no idea how I feel about you, do you? No, you just care about yourself and that asshole. Do you even realize how sick he is? Do you even see what you’re doing to yourself? He abused you, Sarah! He deserves the worst!”
“I’m fully aware of everything that has happened and, believe me, I blamed myself for these feelings, too. I blamed myself for so long, but what can I do? This is how I feel, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t stop. But regardless of what will happen with Hayden, I can’t be with you anymore. I... I’m not able to love you.”
There. I said it. I finally said it, and I felt a nauseating weight in my stomach, but at least I told the truth.
“You don’t love me, huh?” he muttered to himself. “You never even cared about me or my feelings, did you?”
“No. You’re wrong. I care about you, and I don’t want you hurt, but I can’t give you more. I’m sorry.”
“No, you’re not.”
I took a step back, desperate to put some distance between us. “I am. I’m so sorry. This wasn’t how I planned to do this, but... I’m sorry.”
He smiled, shaking his head, but there was nothing joyful in his expression. “So you’re breaking up with me?”
I tucked my hair behind my ears and cleared my throat. “Yes.”
He closed his eyes
, flexing his jaw. I took another step away from him, hoping I wouldn’t have to stay in this suffocating room much longer.
“You’re making a big mistake,” he said, opening his accusing eyes to glare at me. “You’ll only get more hurt.”
His bitter words sounded venomous, like I was set up to fail. “Maybe, but that’s my problem now.”
He didn’t reply immediately, studying me quietly, until he schooled his features and said, “Yeah. It is.”
In all the break-up scenarios I’d created in my head, I wanted to explain myself better than this and thank him for everything he’d done for me. I also wanted to apologize for hurting his feelings. That was the hardest part of this—his feelings for me. If he loved me, that made this even more complicated, and I hated I had to do this to him. But there was nothing I could do about it anymore.
He didn’t say a word as he turned around and walked out of the classroom. I listened to his footsteps in the hallway, the realization settling in.
This was it.
We broke up.
I finally decided to be true to myself and accept my feelings, but the price was too high. Now I understood that there was no easy way to break up with someone. You could never explain yourself well enough. It could never be clean when there were emotions involved.
The only thing I could cling to in this moment was hope that Mateo would forget me soon and find his real happiness with someone who could love him back.
“CATCH ME IF YOU CAN,” Kayden sang out, laughing as he ran away from me.
“Kayden, wait,” I shouted after him, running through the empty hallways of our school.
He dashed around the corner, and when I rounded it, I couldn’t find him anywhere.
He was gone.
The claws of longing and sorrow dug into my heart. I didn’t know why, but I already missed him so much.