Pained

by Vera Hollins

  “Kayden?”

  I heard his chuckle in the distance.

  “Kayden, where are you?”

  “Over here!” His voice came from one of the classrooms.

  I darted down the hallway and reached it... Only, Kayden wasn’t inside. Instead, I found Hayden and Mateo standing opposite each other in silence.

  “Hayden? Mateo?”

  They didn’t pay attention to me as they glared at each other, their bodies tense and ready to fight.

  “Boo,” Kayden shouted into my ear, bumping into me from my right side, and I shrieked.

  “Kay! Are you crazy?”

  I looked between the three of them. Why weren’t Hayden and Mateo moving or looking in our direction?

  “So you broke up with Mateo.” Kay’s voice was cheerful.

  “Why do you sound so happy?”

  “Because you finally stopped running from yourself.”

  I frowned at him. “Yes, but I made a mess. Mateo thinks I cheated on him, and Hayden... Well, Hayden will never forgive me.” I was whispering because I didn’t want Hayden and Mateo to hear me, but when I returned my gaze to them, they were gone.

  I took a few steps forward and looked around. “Where did they go?”

  Kayden shrugged and approached me. He looked the same as on the day of his accident. Young.

  Forever young.

  I knitted my brows, trying to remember that accident and what exactly happened, but I couldn’t. All I knew was that Kay and Hayden were in an accident, and Hayden now bore a scar that would forever link us to that night.

  But why? What happened after?

  I shook my head, confusion edging deeper into me.

  “Will you ever forgive Hayds?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “How can you not know? He told you everything. You know what’s in his heart. He loves you so much he doesn’t know how to deal with it. He tried to save you.”

  “I know, Kay, but I need time. I—”

  “What are you waiting for? For you to forget? For him to change completely? Hayds will always be Hayds, and even if he changes, you should accept him with all his flaws.”

  “I accepted him the moment I fell in love with him, but the scars he created in me are too deep.”

  “Everyone makes mistakes, Sari. Hayden’s way of dealing with life is wrong and painful, but the saddest part of it is that he doesn’t understand that. He can’t, when he’s lost in his darkness. He can’t, when he will never be like you or me. So you can try to help ease his pain. Just like he can ease yours.”

  “He’ll never let me do that. I rejected him.”

  “Hayds doesn’t trust you, but now that you broke up with Mateo, you can work on regaining his trust.”

  “I don’t even know if I want that.”

  Kay rolled his eyes. “You don’t know if you want that? You can’t stand him being with other girls and you secretly fantasize about him.”

  I blushed, unable to look him in the eyes. His words were always on point, reminding me of something I never wanted to admit.

  “He hurt you, I get it, but didn’t he say he wanted to change? You have to take that leap of faith, Sari. You have to take a risk and believe everything is going to be all right. That’s what Hayden did when he confessed his feelings to you.”

  I snorted. “Yeah, and look where that got him.”

  “You saved his life, Sari. You two have been through so much. Why don’t you just try?”

  Suddenly, something on the blackboard drew my attention, and my gaze snagged on the familiar words that were written all over it.

  “Feeling dead inside, breaking to pieces, but you don’t mind.

  I love you today, but tomorrow hate will prevail.

  Black and white, which is today?

  You’re playing with my emotions; you’re playing with my mind.

  It doesn’t matter that I love you, because I was left behind...

  On my own.”

  Tears poured out of my eyes a moment before I noticed the blood dripping from the blackboard to the floor. It pooled all around me.

  “That’s his blood,” a scary, familiar voice whispered into my ear. “That’s the blood from the heart you ripped out.”

  I twisted around frantically, noticing I wasn’t in the classroom anymore but in the living room of our old apartment in New Haven. My eyes met the terrifying blue ones...

  “Get away from me,” I screamed at Brad and backed away, but I bumped into a wall. I saw my mother in the same position on the floor like that day, wearing the same ripped clothes, and I knew what Brad was about to do.

  There was nothing I could do.

  Nothing.

  “I’ve always despised you, Sarah,” she whispered hoarsely, looking into nowhere. “I hate that I have a daughter.”

  “M-Mom?”

  “You see? You aren’t needed here. So why don’t you leave grownups to play, huh?” Brad grinned, and I felt so sick, overwhelmed with all these contrasting emotions. “How about you take a nap?”

  He raised his hand, and I couldn’t avoid his fist that was about to hit my face.

  I screamed.

  “Sarah?”

  I flinched and opened my eyes; my heart was beating too fast. I blinked rapidly, staring in confusion at the white, wooden surface a few inches away, until I realized I was leaning against a table, with my head resting on my bent arm.

  I raised up, and countless needles pricked my arm that had been bent for too long. “Ouch!”

  I grimaced and looked at Jonathan, who had stopped his wheelchair across from me. We were in the sitting room of the Raymond retirement home. My gaze fell on the empty chess board between us, and I blushed. I’d nodded off while I waited for him to come back from his room and start a new game.

  I couldn’t believe I’d just dozed off on my job. “Um, I’m sorry,” I mumbled, terribly ashamed.

  “You’re apologizing again?” He raised one eyebrow. His eyes were fixed on me as he studied me, which I didn’t like because he would easily see I wasn’t okay. “A bad dream?”

  I glanced sideways. “Something like that.”

  I didn’t feel well. I hardly slept a wink last night as yesterday’s events replayed in my mind on a sickening loop, and it was too much. I was worried Brad would find my mother and hurt her any day now. She was working the night shift at the motel last night, and as soon as I got home, I called her to check on her, but she didn’t call me back. I saw her this morning, sleeping on the couch in the living room in her receptionist uniform.

  I woke her up, ignoring the heavy feeling in my chest I carried in me since our altercation on Tuesday night, and told her about Brad. She didn’t want to believe me at first, but eventually, the news sunk in. She withdrew into herself even more than usual, wearing dread on her face permanently.

  “What are we going to do?” I asked her, thinking about getting a restraining order. It wouldn’t be any help if Brad decided to attack us regardless, but it was better than nothing.

  “I don’t know.”

  That was all she said before she left the living room. If she didn’t know what to do, and she was the adult here, how could I find any answers?

  My skin crawled. I hated that I had to be alert all the time, waiting for him to strike or not. This uncertainty was the worst.

  I noticed Mel on the other side of the room. She was helping one of the residents get up and head to her room. She didn’t talk much to me this morning, and I understood why. She was on Mateo’s side.

  “You two argued?” Jonathan said, motioning with his finger between Melissa and me.

  “Not really. She’s angry with me because...” I tightened my ponytail nervously, having a hard time looking at him. I had to be honest with him because Mateo was his grandson. “Because I broke up with Mateo.” Shame coated my cheeks.

  His eyebrows winged up. “That’s a first.”

  “A first?”

  “Yes. I’ve certainly
never heard of anyone breaking up with my grandson. My daughter is always complaining because he’s not serious about relationships, but this time, it’s the complete opposite.” His words didn’t do anything to soothe my erratic nerves.

  “Did he do anything to you?” he asked, sounding like he would take him to task if that was the case.

  “No, he didn’t do anything. Mateo... Um, he’s really good. He’s sweet.” My cheeks burned. I felt strange telling this to Jonathan, of all people.

  “I see. I don’t know what happened between you two, and I won’t ask, but if you feel that was the right thing to do, then it was the right thing to do. Mateo, that child”—he pointed his thumb at Mel—“And others can say whatever they want, but all that matters is that you’re at peace with yourself. Never do things to please others.”

  I just stared at him, speechless and in awe—again. Jonathan didn’t even know what the issue was, but he spoke from his heart without judgment.

  He grunted, scowling at me. “Stop gaping at me like a fish! You’ll catch flies, so close that mouth.”

  I giggled. “Thank you.”

  “Yes, yes.” He waved me off dismissively. “Don’t think this advice is for free. You have to play chess with me and let me win.”

  I raised my eyebrows and grinned. I won the last three times we played. My chess skills had improved a lot since I started playing with him a few months ago because I often practiced it online at home.

  “Just so you know, I didn’t want to hurt Mateo. I’m very sorry for breaking up with him, but... It was for the best,” I said, justifying my actions because I cared about his opinion.

  He shook his head. “As I said, I won’t even ask what happened, and I never meant to say this, but I noticed the way my grandson looked at you. You didn’t look at him the same way. You didn’t return his feelings.” My gut lurched. “That is why I said you should never do things to please others. Not only that would hurt you, but it would also hurt other people. Honesty comes before anything else.”

  HONESTY. Yes, I understood that now. I turned on the car radio on my way home, hoping music would take the edge off the tension and dispel my bleak thoughts, but the song currently playing didn't help. It was “Part That’s Holding On” by Red, which, like many other things these days, reminded me of Hayden. It reminded me of all our pain, insecurities, and turbulent emotions.

  Now, more than ever, there was a part of me that was holding on and reaching for Hayden. There was a part that hoped he was holding on and reaching back.

  “Will you ever forgive Hayds?” Kay’s words from my dream echoed in my mind.

  What would it take? I was still holding onto my old insecurities, fears, and scars, but I wanted to heal and love. I wanted to feel that joy of being with him—of our hearts mending together.

  “What are you waiting for?” Kayden had asked me.

  Yes, it might be too late. Hayden might never trust me again, but I could work on regaining his trust.

  Did I believe things would be better between us and we would make each other happy? I didn’t have a clue, but as Kay said in my dream, I had to take that leap of faith. I had to risk and believe everything would be all right.

  I turned onto my street. I slowed down as I neared my house, spotting Hayden, Blake, and Masen leaning under the hoods of their cars in Hayden’s driveway, and my heart rate kicked up. Two guys and girls I didn’t recognize sat on chairs next to them, chatting and smoking. Maya stood next to them.

  Just then, she approached Hayden and hugged him from behind, and I groaned. I’d been so preoccupied with my fantasies and inner battles that I completely forgot about her.

  My hands turned clammy because I had to face them. I pulled into my driveway and turned off the engine, feeling their eyes on me. Don’t look in their direction. Just don’t.

  My mother’s car wasn’t here, which meant she wasn’t home. Again. I had no idea if she went to work or she was elsewhere, but I hoped she was safe and nowhere near Brad. She didn’t deserve my concern after everything she’d said or done to me, but it was stronger than me.

  I got out of my car, and the cold hit my exposed skin mercilessly. Hayden’s friends stopped talking, and I didn’t have to look at them to know they followed my every move. My cheeks reddened, which had nothing to do with the cold weather.

  Unable to resist the urge any longer, I glanced at Hayden and inhaled sharply when our gazes met. However, it lasted only for a second, because his eyes flashed with annoyance and he looked away. A pang of disappointment hit me.

  “Hey, Sars,” Masen shouted, grinning at me. “Did you save anyone today?”

  I rolled my eyes. Deciding to ignore him, I locked my car and headed to my porch. My gaze collided with Maya’s, and an unpleasant feeling took hold over me because she was gloating, which told me something I hadn’t considered before—she saw me as her rival.

  I almost halted when a disturbing thought came to me. Maya and Christine had grown closer lately, which was ironic seeing as they were both into Hayden, but I guessed this was another instance of “keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” What if Maya overheard my conversation with Hayden in Mel’s house? She saw me running after him, and maybe she went after us. That would explain why Christine used that horrible word when she vandalized my locker and told me to keep my eyes on Mateo.

  I was about to step onto my porch when a flower delivery van stopped in front of my house. An older delivery guy got out, and everyone, including Hayden, watched as he rounded the van. He stopped on the sidewalk, looking questioningly at me.

  Anxiety drummed through me as I approached him, with everyone’s attention on me now. “Yes?” I asked him. Something about this didn’t feel right.

  He looked at the clipboard he held in his hand. “Is this Patricia Decker’s house?”

  Unease coiled deep in me. “Y-Yes.”

  “Are you Patricia Decker?”

  “No, I’m her daughter.”

  “Is she home?”

  “No.”

  “I have flowers for her. Can you accept them in her name?” He didn’t wait for my answer. “Wait a sec.”

  He went to the back of the van and opened it, getting inside. I chewed on my lip. My mother never received flowers, and when he got out carrying a huge bouquet of red roses, something in me turned into the ice, my instincts warning me against it.

  Masen whooped. “That blowjob must’ve been amazing if your boyfriend got you those!”

  He and his friends erupted into laughter, coloring my cheeks red, and I wished the ground would swallow me when the delivery guy cast me a confused gaze. I just shrugged and glanced at Hayden. His jaw was clenched, and the vehement stare directed at me told me he was angry with me.

  My chest fluttered. He’s angry with me. Does he think the roses are for me?

  This could only mean he was jealous. I pressed my hand against my chest, holding onto hope that Hayden still felt something for me.

  “Here you go.”

  The delivery guy handed me the flowers, which I took reluctantly, looking at the dark red roses like they would morph into something dangerous any moment. Shivers coursed down my neck when I noticed a card attached to the decorative paper wrapped around the flowers, and I took it with a trembling hand, fear and suspicion getting the best of me.

  He took a pen from his jacket pocket. “You have to sign that you received the flowers.”

  “Just a moment,” I answered. Holding the bouquet in one hand, I opened the card with the other and read: “We’ll be a happy family again. Here’s to our next encounter, Patty.”

  I staggered, almost dropping the bouquet.

  Patty.

  Brad sent these.

  “Hey, are you okay?” the delivery guy asked me, eyeing me like I was nuts.

  He knows our address. I looked around the street for any sign of him, more shivers racing down my neck when his message got through.

  He made a move. He knew where my mother
lived, and he wanted her back. No.

  No, no, no.

  “Take them back,” I said to him, panic raising my voice.

  “What?”

  “Take them back. We don’t want them.”

  “I can’t do that—”

  “Take it back!” I lost it, sickening terror racing through my veins. Someone sniggered.

  “Is she mental?” one of Hayden’s friends asked.

  I ignored him and looked around for Brad again, but I didn’t see anything unusual. I glanced at the card. It didn’t contain his name. He was smart enough not to leave it.

  “The man who ordered these flowers. What’s his name?”

  “His name? I don’t know who ordered them, miss. I don’t even know if the customer was male or female.”

  “But there must be a way to find it out, right? Your company certainly keeps customer information.”

  “Sorry, but our customers don’t always leave their names or contact information. They aren’t obliged. Now, can you sign this?” He literally pushed the clipboard into my chest, in a tizzy because I was wasting his time.

  I pursed my lips together, juggling the roses and clipboard in one hand while reaching for his pen. We could call the flower shop and ask for information about Brad, if he’d left any.

  A headache started in the back of my head, and I tightened my fingers around the pen. I was tired. I was so tired of dealing with these issues and fears. I just wanted to leave all worries behind and live my life peacefully already.

  I signed my name and gave him the clipboard and pen back. “Have a good day,” he muttered without even looking at me. He got into the van and drove away.

  I grimaced at the bouquet, its heaviness representing the unpleasant weight in my chest. It was a symbol of something evil and deranged. I would throw them away if they weren’t evidence of contact, which we could use against Brad if we went to the police.

  “What’s the matter, Sars? Your boyfriend didn’t get you your favorite flowers?” Blake mocked me, his face twisted into a derisive smile.

  I turned on my heel and headed to my house. They were all laughing. All except Hayden.

  Something in me reached a boiling point. I hated them for jumping to such stupid, immature conclusions about me all the time. I was tired, afraid, mad, and sick of everything.