by Vera Hollins
“Even after everything you’ve done to me, I tried to focus on your good side.” I willed my voice to stay even and free of the weight crushing into me, but I couldn’t conceal disappointment. “I tried to believe in you, Hayden. Now, I know I was wrong.”
I didn’t wait for his reaction. I turned around and pushed my bike away with my head held high. I wouldn’t break. I was stronger than this.
Chapter 10
MONDAY DRAGGED ON AS I went from one period to another, and I wished I could go home already and lose myself in my art. It was the only way for me to shut out negative thoughts and memories. I doodled during classes to take a load off my mind, especially during Spanish, where Christine and her friends ganged up on me.
The whole school knew Hayden drove me to school this morning, and she blew a fuse, pouring her nail polish remover all over my textbook before class. Her friend, Mary, taunted me with her lit lighter, threatening to burn my book, but our teacher arrived before things could escalate.
It was humiliating, but I was afraid of reacting. It would come back to bite me, and the promise of horrific retaliation held me back from even trying.
My inability to defend myself caused more anxiety. It didn’t help that all everyone talked about was the Thanksgiving holiday and how our school beat Rawenwood High. Both topics reminded me of the chain of disasters that was last week. A few students even mentioned Brad, emphasizing how hot he was, which brought new alarming thoughts to the front of my mind. What if I saw him in school? What if he was already here, following me?
I went to the cafeteria looking over my shoulder, expecting him to pop up any moment, until I realized I was acting paranoid. I had to be careful, but for all I knew, he could be already gone from Enfield and I was overreacting.
I met Jess at the cafeteria doors, and we headed inside. Hayden wasn’t there, which I was thankful for. I asked her about her Thanksgiving holiday, and she told me she had a blast with her family in Bridgeport, watching Disney movies and playing basketball with her younger cousins.
“But enough about me,” she said when we sat down at our table. “Tell me about the break up. You should’ve seen my face when you texted me about it.” To demonstrate, she widened her eyes and opened her mouth.
I chuckled and told her all the details, including the stories about Brad and Christine’s latest stunt.
“I can’t believe it,” she said, her face grim. “Not only about Christine, but also about that guy, Brad. I heard some students mention him, and some girls even fangirled over him.” She shook her head. “I’m so sorry, Sar.”
I played with my salad on my plate, wishing it wasn’t tasteless. Everything was tasteless when I felt stressed. “I don’t know what I can do. I’m scared I’ll see him here again, and I can’t just go and ask the coach about him. Is he aware of how bad his brother is? Or even worse, is he the same?” I rubbed my forehead. “Everything is so chaotic.”
“I just hope he won’t do anything. What if he sent those flowers because he wanted you to think he was planning something when he actually wasn’t?”
“I wish I could be that positive, but I can’t after everything that’s happened.”
“I know, but for what is worth, I think it’s great how Hayden helped you with your panic attack. That was cute of him. And quite surprising.”
“Yes, it was surprising, especially after how he treated me this morning. Again.”
She offered me a sympathetic smile. “Sure, he’s a jerk, but there’s some progress, right? He wouldn’t help you and drive you to school if he hated you.”
“I don’t know, Jess. This doubt is killing me. Whenever I think I figured him out, he does something that proves me wrong. I wish I had the confidence to say he cared and things could be different, but I don’t. And I still can’t forgive him, you know?”
She wrapped a strand of her long hair around her finger, playing with it. “I know, but that’s okay. It’s understandable. You have the right not to forgive him, but the thing about forgiveness is not about the person you forgive. It’s about you. It makes you a better person and helps you be at peace with yourself. If you hold a grudge, it will just poison you from the inside and bring you more pain and negativity.”
My heart swelled as her words resonated in my mind. Forgiveness. Negativity.
“Forgive but not forget?” I asked.
“Actually, forgive and forget. If you don’t forget, you’ll still have those negative feelings inside of you. You’ll expect something bad from Hayden again. And that is plain distrust. Some say not forgetting is smart, but I think it just feeds you with more resentment.”
“I get it, but it’s not that easy, especially when I remember the day of Kayden’s funeral or when he strangled me in his house. I know why he did that, but it’s still a lot to take in.” It was difficult just talking about it. “Or that evening in the forest when he pretended he was going to rape me...” I dug my nails into my palm.
“Sar.” She caught my cold hand, and her soothing warmness permeated into my skin. “All those things he did are beyond horrible, but honestly, I think they eat him alive. He rushed to save you from Josh, which clearly shows he cares. So, now he has to live with guilt and regrets.”
I looked at her in surprise. I wondered how she could understand Hayden’s state of mind so well when she didn’t even know him. I never told Melissa or her about Hayden’s disorder, yet she managed to understand the intensity of his emotions. She managed to understand him.
Her lips curled into a reassuring smile. “Anyway, I’m sorry about the breakup, but if you think that was the right decision, I completely support you.”
I felt a huge wave of gratitude and love toward her. I was so lucky to have her as my friend. “Oh, Jess. Thank you so much for this.”
“No need to thank me. You’re my friend, and I’ll always be here for you.”
“Mel was very upset with me. You know she despises Hayden.”
“Yeah. She can be stubborn, but I’m sure she’ll understand it’s for the best.”
“I’m just sorry I hurt Mateo. It was so stupid of me to kiss Hayden’s hand like that. I shouldn’t have even touched him when I was with someone else.”
She shrugged and pushed her hair behind her ears. “What’s done is done, Sar. Okay, what you did was wrong, but don’t be so hard on yourself. I’m sure Mateo will find a new girl and be happy with her.”
I sighed. “I hope.”
“That girl is so lucky!” a senior sitting near us squealed. She was staring at Hayden’s table in a daze.
“What girl? Why?” her friend asked. I looked at his table with bated breath, expecting to see him with Maya.
“The brunette that just sat next to Blake Jones! I think she’s his new girlfriend. She looks like a model!”
My gaze fell on the brunette sitting between Blake and Masen. She brushed her lips against Blake’s cheek, looking at him with a sparkle in her eyes.
Jessica’s gaze lingered on them. She scoffed and brought her gaze back to her plate. “So he’s with another stick today. Nothing new there.” She dug her fork angrily into one of the potatoes on her plate.
My lips twitched with amusement. “She isn’t a stick.”
“Yes, she is. She’s so skinny she’ll disappear into thin air soon. He really likes them slim, huh?”
I observed her face curiously, not saying anything. I knew she didn’t say that to body-shame per se. She was bitter because slim girls were Blake’s type. She raised her eyes from her plate and winced when she saw me looking at her. She blushed.
“What?” she asked defensively.
I scratched my jaw. “Yes, so far I’ve seen him only with slim girls, but why do you care?”
She frowned and dropped her gaze, blushing harder. “I don’t,” she mumbled and continued eating.
I looked at Blake and found his unwavering gaze on Jess. He didn’t even notice me staring at him, looking at Jess so intensely even I felt uncomfortab
le. I glanced at her. She stuffed her potato harshly into her mouth, seemingly unaware of Blake’s stare.
“Is there anything between Blake and you?” I asked, surprising us both with my bluntness.
Her fork slipped from her hand and dropped on her tray. “What?” she asked in an extremely small voice.
I scratched my neck. This was obviously important to her, but she wasn’t ready to talk about it, so I felt uncomfortable prying. “Um, I just find Blake’s and your behavior a little strange.”
She flinched. She leaned back against her chair and crossed her arms over her chest. “Strange? There’s nothing between us.” Her reply came out a bit too harsh.
“Okay. I’m sorry for asking.”
“What’s up with that question so suddenly?”
I glanced at Blake and inhaled quickly because he was still looking at Jessica. His eyes were incredibly heated, clear of their usual animosity.
I bit into my lip. “Just don’t look in Blake’s direction, okay? I asked because he can’t take his eyes off of you right now.”
“What?” she screeched. Her whole face went red as she turned to look at Blake.
Great. She had to do it.
Blake’s eyes darkened immediately, growing hostile. The way he glared at her gave off totally opposite vibes, making me uneasy, and I sighed. He was so confusing.
She looked away and hid behind her hair. “That asshole,” she muttered. “Yes, there’s something between us, and it’s called mutual hatred.”
Talk about complicated.
I shrugged. “If you say so.”
I decided to let it go for now, and we didn’t mention Blake or Hayden anymore.
I DIDN’T HAVE A WRITING club meeting today, so I headed to the bike rack after my last period. It got colder during the day as a yet another reminder that winter would be here before long, and I willed myself to walk more quickly. I was exhausted, and my back injury throbbed every once in a while. I didn’t have any scrapes from my fall this morning, but my hip ached dully each time I moved my right leg, which protested against my quick pace.
I needed to take my bicycle to a mechanic, but there were none nearby. This meant a few more hours of walking in the cold, when I would rather be tucked inside my warm bed and be done with this day.
My mind took me on another journey to Hayden’s behavior this morning. I wished things were simpler between us. I wished the road between us wasn’t paved with bumps that could trip me any moment and cause me more pain.
“Ugh,” I grunted and stopped next to my bicycle.
Tires screeched behind me, and I turned to see a car stop abruptly in the middle of the parking lot. My hair stood up on the back of my neck when Mateo and two guys got out of his Ford and bolted to Hayden, who was standing next to his car with Maya.
No, no, no. This couldn’t be happening! What was he doing here?
I dashed over to them, ignoring the pain in my hip. A small crowd of students had already gathered around them. Hayden stepped forward and faced Mateo and his friends with a poker face and arms crossed over his chest. Mateo told him something, but I wasn’t near enough to hear. Hayden laughed in response and bared his teeth at Mateo.
Mateo fisted his hands. “You’ll be sorry for making her break up with me,” I heard him say, and my jaw dropped. He came here to fight Hayden because I broke up with him?
Hayden laughed again. “You’re something else. I made her break up with you?” He applauded, his eyes mocking him. “A brilliant conclusion. It’s so brilliant I wonder how she could’ve been with such a dumbass like you.”
Mateo shoved him, wiping Hayden’s smirk off his face. I jumped between them before he could push him back and I faced Mateo. “Stop this!”
Mateo glared at me. “Step aside, Sarah.” My stomach coiled. I couldn’t even imagine he would take this to extremes, and I felt responsible for this mess. “I’m going to show him his place.”
“Show him his place?! You can’t be serious! You have no business here! Go aw—”
“You’re the one who has no business here,” Hayden growled at me and pulled me to the side. What the hell? His eyes burned with animosity as he stared me down. “This is between him and me. I don’t want you to butt into my business again.”
“No!” I snatched my arm away from him. “This has everything to do with me, and I won’t stand by and do nothing!” I stepped next to Mateo and cast him a pleading gaze. “Please don’t do this. This is so wrong.”
“You’re wrong!” Mateo spat out, his eyes holding anger and hurt. “You’re wrong for being in love with this asshole when all he’ll ever do is abuse you!”
No. I choked with fear and embarrassment, everything twisting in me. I didn’t even dare to look at Hayden after Mateo said loud and clear that I loved him.
I glowered at Mateo, my shame replaced with anger. He didn’t have any right to reveal my feelings for everyone to hear—before I even had the chance to tell Hayden—or talk about them like they were something stupid and crazy. I thought he was better than this.
“I already told you, and I really don’t understand what wasn’t clear to you, that’s my problem.” I hated that I was raising my voice, which only attracted more unwanted attention, but Mateo got my hackles up. “Hayden doesn’t have anything to do with my decision. It was my decision. Mine. And I find it insulting that you think I did it under his influence.”
His expression turned desperate. “How can’t you see I can make you happier than he will ever be able to?”
Oh, Mateo. Remorse swirled in my chest. I felt awful that it had come to this, but what else could I do now?
I stole a glance at Hayden, afraid of what I might find on his face, and my heart faltered when I met his gaze. What I found there was far from contempt. It was vulnerability, combined with a glimmer of hope reflecting in his dark, desolate eyes, and my emotions scattered. He looked at me as if he sought confirmation of my feelings. My wild heartbeat reminded me of how much I needed him to believe me and realize I wasn’t the kind of person he thought I was.
I faced Mateo with a frown. His friends stood right behind him, their arms crossed over their chests as they waited for his signal to fight, and I was afraid they would hurt Hayden terribly.
“I don’t love you, and I can’t be with you,” I said, feeling too exposed and uncomfortable.
“It’s because of him!” he exploded, pointing his accusing finger at Hayden.
“It’s because of me!” More people gathered around us, and I tried to reason with him once more, looking at him with another pleading gaze. “There are many people here, so if you do anything, you won’t be able to get away with it.”
“Stop speaking for me,” Hayden snarled behind me and pushed me away. “I don’t need you to defend me. If this pussy wants to fight, I’ll fight.”
“No!” I cried out as Mateo shouted, “You dickhead!”
Mateo pounced on Hayden, and I barely had time to react. I slid between them and pushed against Mateo’s shoulders before he could swing at Hayden. I was able to shove him away, but he was too strong, and I staggered, crashing against Hayden. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me against him to steady me.
“What the fuck are you doing? Are you crazy? You’ll get hurt!” Hayden hissed into my ear, holding me right under my chest so I wouldn’t fall, and my body stirred.
“I don’t care.” I regained my footing and took a step away from him, aching for his closeness. I had no idea where this confidence came from, but unlike the usual me, I didn’t think about the shame or consequences. “I won’t allow you two to fight because of me. If you want to fight, you’ll have to go through me.”
Mateo grew still, his anger tamped down. His eyes shimmered with hurt as he regarded me silently, and I willed myself to withstand his gaze. He took a step back and then another, shaking his head.
“We’re finished here,” he said to his friends.
They uncrossed their arms, looking less tens
e than just a moment ago, and nodded at Mateo. I almost sighed in relief.
“I never really had a chance?” he asked me with a sad smile on his face.
More guilt poured into me. I’d liked Mateo and wanted to be with him. I’d genuinely hoped we could be so much more... I never wanted to see these sad eyes looking at me this way, but there was nothing I could do now to wipe away that sorrow.
“I’m sorry, Mateo. I thought... I thought we would last. I really wanted us to. I’m so sorry.” I exhaled a shaky breath.
Hayden was silent behind me. I glanced at him over my shoulder, and our eyes caught. His face donned surprise, but there was a slight, barely visible smile tugging at the corners of his mouth and my heartstrings. His expression told me so much, showing he was battling his fierce emotions, letting me know there was much more to him beneath that hard, cold shell.
“What’s going on here?” Blake asked, and I went still. He and Masen raced across the parking lot, promising to turn this into a disaster. I couldn’t let that happen.
“Nothing,” I shouted at them and moved in front of Mateo to shield him. “Please, Mateo. Go.”
They stopped next to Hayden, and Mateo’s friends regained their aggressive stance. All of them looked like they were ready to make the first move; the air filled with tension and testosterone.
“This pussy got dumped, so he wants a shoulder to cry on,” Hayden answered Blake.
“You piece of—” Mateo began, taking a step toward him, but I turned to face him and raised my arms out wide.
“Mateo, don’t. I’m begging you.”
He flinched when he noticed my distressed expression, and I saw something breaking in him as he examined my face.
He sighed. “I just hope you’ll be happy with him,” he said so silently I could barely discern his words.
Everything in me felt cold as we looked at each other. There were so many things I wanted to say to him, but I couldn’t. He shouldn’t have come here, but I understood why he did, and I couldn’t blame him. I couldn’t blame him at all.