by Vera Hollins
I wanted to tell him that a relationship with Hayden wasn’t so likely at this point, with so many things still separating us, but that didn’t matter now.
“I hope you’ll find your happiness too,” I said, thick emotions clogging my throat.
His eyes glistened briefly, before he blinked and turned around. “Let’s go,” he said to his friends.
My temples throbbed as I watched them leave. They got into his car and sped off. I couldn’t move, too aware of everyone’s eyes on me as they whispered.
“Pussy whipped,” Masen said, and I twisted around, cutting my eyes at him.
“Stop it,” I told him.
“Or what?” He raised his eyebrows at me. “You’re going to use your pepper spray on me?”
Blake chuckled, staring at me like I was pathetic. I glanced at Hayden. He was focused on some spot on the ground in front of him, his eyebrows drawn together. He looked like he was having an internal fight with himself.
Now that this was over, pure shame hit me as twice as hard, and I started for my bike. I forced myself to take slow steps instead of running away. I didn’t need to make an even bigger fool of myself.
“Sarah!” Hayden called me, and I halted. I wasn’t sure if I’d imagined it.
I got goosebumps as I turned around, dreading his next words.
“I’m driving you home,” he said.
What the...? Everyone looked at him like he’d gone crazy.
“What?” Maya and I said at the same time, and I grimaced, remembering she was here too.
She stepped away from Hayden’s car, her eyes ablaze as she glared at me with deep hatred.
No. I didn’t need a new enemy.
“But you’re supposed to drive me home!” she whined, coming closer to Hayden. She even threw a smile on her face, hiding her hostility toward me.
I gaped at her as the realization hit me. I was finally seeing the real her. She was calculating, hiding her true self from Hayden, and I wondered how I didn’t notice this before.
Hayden snorted. “I was supposed to? Since when? The last time I checked, I wasn’t your fucking driver.”
Her seductive face fell in an instant, leaving anger and disbelief. She sent another glare my way before she removed the distance between them and slid her fingers down his arm. “Come on, honey. We don’t spend any time together lately, and I really miss you,” she purred into his ear and licked it slowly.
I closed my eyes. Why was I still here? Their displays of passion were sickening, and I didn’t want to witness another one.
I was about to move, when he pushed her away. “I don’t care. You’re not my girlfriend, and we don’t have to stick together all the time. Find your own ride.”
She isn’t his girlfriend?
“Ouch!” one student said. He was filming this on his phone, along with a few guys standing next to him. Just great.
“Sarah.” Hayden looked at me flatly. “What are you waiting for? Get in my car.”
“No,” I refused and walked away.
My heart beat too fast as I neared my bike, too many thoughts twirling in my mind. Where did this sudden change come from? He’d already humiliated me enough today. What else did he want?
A strong hand caught my upper arm, preventing me from going further, and I looked over my shoulder with wide eyes.
“Hayden?” I breathed out. My whole body buzzed with awareness of him.
“I want to talk to you. So, come with me.” He inhaled and closed his eyes, flexing his jaw. I watched his mouth as he exhaled a slow, long breath. He returned my gaze moments later, his eyes showing both resolve and insecurity. “Please,” he added, and something just shattered in me.
Please.
I couldn’t look away from him, fully aware of what this meant. He went after me in front of everybody. He wasn’t pushing me away. No, he was begging me.
His nearness was too much for me. Everything was too much for me.
Hot and cold. One moment so close and the next so far away.
I glanced at his hand holding me, feeling his touch to the marrow. The pull between us pulsed strongly, binding us closer to each other, and I yearned for something I couldn’t even describe.
He pushed me away this morning. He pushed me away so many times. I could refuse him. I could refuse to forgive him for everything he’d done. I could always hold a grudge and feel bitter. I could distrust him.
Hayden was dark, but there was also light in him, and he was the one who brought me up when I was down. He was the one who glued all the broken pieces of my heart back together. He was the one who managed to make me happier than I’d ever been before.
I let out a quiet sigh. “Okay, but I can’t leave my bike here.”
He didn’t say a word, holding my gaze. The way he looked at me sent my heartbeat into a frenzy, and I blushed. My skin tingled where he held me.
“We’ll take your bicycle. Let’s go,” he said a few heartbeats later and let go of me.
He headed back first, and I followed. The crowd was still watching us, and I didn’t even want to think about the stories that would circulate around this Hellhole tomorrow. Maya stomped away, spurting out a string of colorful curses.
Blake cast him an incredulous stare. “Are you serious, bro?”
I stopped next to his car, suddenly all too shy to get in. Blake and Masen’s faces told me they didn’t agree with Hayden’s change of heart.
“Do you see me laughing?” Hayden bit back. He took the key fob out of his pocket and unlocked the car.
Masen shook his head. “Pussy whipped,” he said again, this time directing it at Hayden.
“What did you say?” Hayden glared at him.
Masen raised his hands and bent down a little as he took a step back. “Nothing, bro. Chill. Have a nice ride.” He winked at us and walked away.
“Yeah,” Blake said and turned to leave, too. “Try not to kill each other.”
I fisted my hands and fixed my eyes on the ground, drowning in embarrassment. Now what?
“Sarah?” Hayden called me, holding his door open.
“Y-Yes?”
“Why aren’t you inside already?”
I licked my lips. “I’m just wondering if I’ve just signed my own death warrant,” I mumbled a lame joke to cheer myself up.
“There is only one way for you to find that out,” he said cryptically and got inside. Those were the same words he used the evening he brought me to the Nepaug State Forest.
I opened the door and took a deep breath. “Wait and see,” I said to myself and got in, my tension reaching a whole new level.
Chapter 11
WE BARELY SPOKE A WORD before we reached the mechanic. I brought my bike into the shop, while Hayden waited for me in the car. I couldn’t believe this was happening.
Hayden is waiting for me outside. He’s driving me home. Don’t hyperventilate.
He’d said he wanted to talk to me but he hadn’t yet, and anticipation chipped away at my patience. The rain started in full force while I was in the shop, and I was glad that Hayden was driving me home. I would’ve been drenched otherwise. I agreed on the price and left my bike at the shop, dashing to Hayden’s car so I wouldn’t get soaked.
I got in the car, feeling strange. Hayden tapped his fingers on the steering wheel absentmindedly, looking off into the distance through his window that was covered with rain drops. He had yet to acknowledge me, deep in his thoughts, and I stared at him. There was something achingly beautiful in the way he looked outside as the droplets of water cascaded down his window, creating dazzling lights that reflected off the glass, and I got another urge to draw him.
I put the seat belt on just as Poets Of The Fall’s “Fragile” began playing on the stereo, and I focused on the lyrics. The words were powerful, talking about the love that healed and gave peace in the times of insecurity and emotional tempest. Hayden started the car, switched on the windshield wipers, and merged into traffic. He continued tapping hi
s fingers against his steering wheel, prolonging the silence between us, and I sighed.
“What did you want to talk about?” I asked, staring straight ahead. I was excited, but I also dreaded what could come out of his mouth.
“I’m sorry.”
He’s what? I looked at him on indrawn breath. “What?”
He glanced at me, mockery replacing regret in his eyes. “You must be deaf.”
Really, Hayden? “I’m not deaf.”
“Then why are you acting like you are? If I say I’m sorry, why can’t you just accept it?”
“Because I can’t accept what I don’t understand, Hayden, like why you’re apologizing to me.”
“I’m apologizing for this morning. My reaction was uncalled for.”
Say what?
“Oh,” I replied. I couldn’t think of anything better to say, because once again, he managed to surprise me.
“I...” He moved his hand through his short hair, drawing a long breath and exhaling it. “My reactions are uncalled for most of the time.” His face was taut with frustration. “I’m aware I shouldn’t have lost my temper, but I got so mad and...” He sucked in a heavy inhale. His knuckles were white from how tightly he gripped the stick shift.
“Why?”
“I don’t know why,” he hissed. “I’m confused by my own emotions. I got angry at you, and then I got angry at myself for getting angry at you, and then... Shit. It’s a vicious circle. It’s infinite, and it’s boiling in me.”
I closed my eyes. My chest pulsed with ache as I thought about his words.
“You didn’t do anything wrong,” he said, his voice taking on a note of remorse.
Our gazes met, and the intensity of his sorrow took me aback. He was letting me see it. He wasn’t masking his pain, and it was like an arrow straight through my heart.
“Then why did you get so angry at me if I didn’t do anything wrong?” I whispered hoarsely.
“Because I’m disappointed in you.”
“Disappointed?”
“You fucked me up. I don’t trust you. For me, you’re like a black stain on a white surface. You aren’t supposed to be here, and you make everything dirty.”
No. “Hayden, don’t. You’re insulting me again and—”
“I’m not insulting you. I’m telling you how I feel. I’m being honest with you. You represent my darkness, which is why I’m confused as to why I even wanted to tell you this. Why I called you here? Why did I rage at myself the whole day because I was an asshole to you this morning? It feels right to tell you all of this, but I still don’t trust you. How come?”
My breathing grew unsteady. He was sharing his deepest feelings with me again, and it was intense, just like before. My barrier was up, hand in hand with my fear of opening up, but that need to voice my feelings burned stronger.
“I...” I swallowed, my hands fidgeting in my lap. “I’m also confused because I don’t know what to expect from you. You always manage to surprise me, and I don’t know what to think or feel anymore.”
“That makes two of us.” He lips curved faintly into a sad smile. “We have a bunch of emotions we can’t deal with.”
I met his dark eyes. “We’re both lost.”
“We’re both lost,” he agreed.
He turned into our neighborhood, and I realized this ride would come to an end too soon. I didn’t want it to end, and that unsettled me.
“You said you tried to believe in me this morning. I do have a good side. It’s beneath the layers of darkness, hate, numbness, fear, and so much more, but it’s there. You called me a monster, and you have no idea how many times I repeated that word to myself. Too many times. I hated you for saying it. I wanted to hurt you for saying it, but at the same, I knew you were right. That monster lives inside of me. It’s always there. It’s always reminding me of my disgusting mind, never-ending pain, and struggles.”
My hands were cold and trembling. He was shaking my world. Again.
“Why are you telling me this?”
The moments passed in rising suspense as he reached our street and slowed down. “Consider it my thanks for how honest you were during our ride this morning.”
He stopped in front of my house and shut off the engine. A jolt rolled through me. This was it. We were about to go our separate ways.
“Did you really try to believe in me?” he asked me suddenly, turning to look at me.
Whoa. I blushed and moved my face away to hide it. Calm down, heart. Calm down.
“Why do you ask? Does it matter?”
“Why do people ask questions? I ask you because I want to know. Do you think I’d ask if it didn’t matter?”
“I can give you an answer, but would you trust me?”
His eyes desperately searched for something in mine before they slid over my face, studying each spot like he saw me for the first time. My body flushed hotly. Rain pattering on the car was the only sound that could be heard as we stared at each other, captivated with one another. He dropped his gaze to my lips, and his eyes grew a shade darker. Breath locked in my throat.
He swallowed and tore his gaze from my lips. “It would be a lie if I said I would,” he said quietly.
A heavy, acid feeling lacerated me. I balled my hands. “Then why do you ask?”
“Because it keeps bothering me. It keeps replaying in my mind. The words you said this morning, what that dickhead said earlier...”
I stopped breathing. Would he say anything about my feelings?
“How you saved me twice...,” he continued. “All the good things you’ve said... And everything is so conflicting.”
His expression held me spellbound. It was a painful tale of need, doubt, regret, and care, and it was touching the deepest parts of me. How could I have ever thought he moved on? He hadn’t moved on. That feeling was there, but he was suffering, too.
“Fuck.” He closed his eyes and rested his head against his seat. I should thank him for the ride and get out, but I couldn’t move, waiting anxiously for him to say something more.
“Look,” he said and looked at me, but this time his face didn’t show anything. “I feel completely confused. I have so many conflicting thoughts at the moment, and I’m starting to feel overwhelmed. I don’t know what I want to do, and it scares the shit out of me.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, unsure of what else I should say, but it didn’t sound right, so I tried again. “Can I... Can I do something?”
He shook his head. “No. Don’t. I don’t want you to do anything or feel sorry. I’m not telling you this because I want something from you. I’m doing this for myself. Now, can you please get out? I need to be alone.”
“Oh. Okay.”
I didn’t have the right to feel rejected, but it stung anyway. Then again, I still didn’t know Hayden, and I couldn’t imagine how he coped with his emotions. Maybe he was able to sort things out when he was alone.
I had to take baby steps. This was a baby step, but a step forward nonetheless. We didn’t trust each other, so this had to be enough for now.
“Thank you for the ride.”
“Don’t mention it.”
Hayden had that impenetrable wall surrounding him, and he’d put me through so much, but maybe there was something for us beyond that cycle of hate and hurt. I had yet to take that leap of faith, walking down the long road to recovery. It was slippery with mistrust and hurt, so I had to tread carefully.
The rain had stopped, so I didn’t have to race to my house. I put my gloves on and slipped my backpack over my shoulder, about to open the door, when he tensed and clenched his fists. He was on the fence about something.
“Yes?”
“Thank you for earlier,” he let out in a strained voice.
“Earlier?”
He exhaled loudly through his nose. “For sticking up for me when that shitface came. It was stupid, and it drove me mad, but I want you to know I appreciate it.”
I swallowed back the lump in my throat. So
many words wanted to pour out of me, but just like always, I was incapable of saying them. “You’re welcome. Anyway, it’s time for me to go.”
“Yeah.”
“See you?”
My heart missed a beat when he didn’t say anything at first. I shouldn’t be this nervous, because my words had been casual, but at the same time, they held a deeper meaning, and we both knew it.
The smile his lips formed wasn’t happy at all. “Better not.”
I just nodded and got out.
He started the car the moment I closed the door and sped down our street, splashing the sidewalk as he passed through puddles. I watched him leave, longing filling me with each yard that separated us. I hoped he was going to be okay.
With a sigh, I headed to my house. Just as I unlocked the door, I heard a car come up the street, and I glanced over my shoulder. It was a black Toyota with tinted windows so I couldn’t see its interior or driver at all, and goosebumps erupted all over my body. My stomach lunged when the driver slowed down, as if he was going to stop in front of my house.
He didn’t stop, but sped up as soon as he passed. He drove away, but that did nothing to stop my heart from hammering against my chest. I lost my grip on my backpack, and it dropped to the ground with a thud. My breath came out in quick pants, everything in me screaming that this was bad. All pleasant feelings from just a few moments ago evaporated at the harsh reminder of the looming threat.
Maybe I was worrying excessively. Maybe I was imagining things. Maybe it was just a random car that slowed down and passed by my house for no reason.
I could dismiss all my negative thoughts and decide to forget about it.
But I didn’t, because my instincts told me exactly who that was. Brad.
Things were going downhill fast, and I had absolutely no clue when or what he would do next.
THE NEXT MORNING GOT off to a weird start since I didn’t know how to act around my mother. I worried for her, but I couldn’t talk to her. We barely acknowledged each other, acting as strangers in our home, and it was painful.