by Vera Hollins
“If you ever touch me like that again, I’ll break your arm.”
I swallowed past the obstruction in my throat, shaking. “I-I’m sorry. I just wanted to talk with you...” No. Why was I apologizing? He was the one who should apologize. He’d hurt Jessica, and now he was taking his anger out on me for who knew what reason.
He raised his eyebrows and snorted. “Talk with me? I don’t talk with bitches like you.”
“Let me go.” I tried to pull my arm out of his grasp, but it was pointless. His grip tightened, and I couldn’t prevent a yelp of pain. I hated showing him just how much he was hurting me.
“If you think that just because you softened up Hayden you can do whatever you please, you’re wrong. I’m not him. I don’t give a shit about you. So the next time you come to me like this, you’ll be sorry.”
He let go of my wrist and slammed his locker shut, then bent to pick up his backpack he’d left on the floor. I held my sore wrist, which was red from the pressure. He was leaving, so I had to act quickly.
“Please stop harassing Jessica.” He stopped dead, his back stiffening. “She didn’t do anything to you, and she doesn’t deserve this. She’s suffering and—”
He moved quickly and reached me before I could react. He trapped me against the lockers again and dropped his backpack. “You’re either stupid or fucking delusional. You think you can just ask me to stop? Keep dreaming. What I do with Fats is none of your business.”
His anger was tangible, and it was getting to me. I couldn’t even look him in the eyes. “Why do you even bully her?” I whispered weakly. Too weakly. I despised it. I despised Blake.
“Didn’t you get the memo? It’s none of your business.”
I willed myself to look at him, fighting with all I had in me not to cower away. “She’s my friend, Blake. I care about her.”
He clenched his jaw. He observed me silently, taking his time before he stepped away from me. “Yeah. I know how much you care when you ‘care’ about someone.”
I frowned. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
He grabbed his backpack and sneered at me. “You know exactly what that means. You don’t care about others. You’re a selfish bitch who didn’t even hesitate to betray Hayden two months ago.”
I recoiled like he’d slapped me. “I didn’t betray him.”
His eyes burned holes in my head as he leveled his face with mine, invading my personal space again. We were all alone in the hallway now. I supported myself against the lockers when my legs threatened to give out on me.
“You didn’t betray him? Then what do you call the fucked up shit you did to him?”
At this, something just snapped in me. My guilt was always crushing me, but this time I didn’t let it hold me hostage. Blake’s remark erased my fear and allowed me to say the words that begged to come out.
“Which one do you mean? Taking a knife for him or choosing to live my life the way I wanted?” I kept my resentful stare fixed on him, satisfied to see his eyes widen for a fraction of second.
He stood to his full height and studied my face, his lip curled up in disdain. “Yes, you saved him, all right. And then you screwed him up.”
I glanced down, awash with guilt. “I didn’t want to hurt him,” I whispered.
I messed up when I said those tremendously hurtful words that day, but I was also a victim. I’d suffered too much, and despite seeing some things from the past in a different light now that I knew Hayden had BPD, his disorder didn’t justify everything he’d done to me. We all had problems to deal with—all of us had our own darkness. Some had it harder, some were lucky enough never to experience such pain and despair, but having issues didn’t mean we had the right to treat others like dirt.
That day, I chose not to be with Hayden, and I didn’t regret it. The difference now was that I realized relying on time to make things better and dating people who could help us “forget” was wrong. If I couldn’t deal with my feelings on my own—if I couldn’t be at peace with myself—no time would be enough to erase my lingering feelings. I learned this the hard way, but better late than never.
I didn’t know why I was justifying myself to Blake. I shouldn’t explain myself to him, but I felt the burning need to say it anyway.
“I never wanted him to suffer. Even though I couldn’t forgive him, I regret using those terrible words that day. I lied. I looked him in the eyes and lied.”
I flushed hotly with shame as I exposed myself to him, but I wasn’t actually speaking to him. These words were for the person I called to my mind more times in a day than I could count. These words were for the one who turned my world upside down with just one look of his dark, forlorn eyes. They were for Hayden, who attracted me beyond reason. I felt something raw, something so potent it couldn’t ever be understood unless it was experienced.
“Yes, I made that choice then, but that doesn’t mean I never cared for him. I care for Hayden, and I want him safe and happy. No matter what, I want him happy...” My voice broke, and I closed my eyes.
My chest ached so much. I pressed my hand against it and inhaled deeply, the pressure in my head growing stronger as the flashes of light danced behind my tightly closed lids.
“Then why did you leave me?” Hayden’s hoarse voice came from behind Blake, and I snapped my eyes open.
My world crashed around me when I spotted Hayden ten feet away from us, his eyes red and teary.
He stared at me with unmasked accusation and pain, and my heart plummeted. I hadn’t wanted him to know about it this way. I’d wanted to explain all my feelings and thoughts properly, but it was too late.
“Hayden, I—”
“Save it,” he gritted out, each syllable immersed in hatred. “I don’t want to hear a word out of your fucking mouth.”
He turned around and stormed out of the hallway, and I had an awful feeling that it would be nearly impossible for him to ever trust me after this.
Chapter 13
“GREAT JOB, EVERYONE!” our Krav Maga instructor, Trevon, said. “We’re done for today.”
I put my hands on my knees to support myself, panting and covered in sweat. I was done in. The class had lasted for only an hour, but it felt like an eternity.
“To those who survived the first class, congratulations! To those who didn’t, the next one is going to be even worse!” Liam, another instructor, exclaimed, and everyone burst into a fit of chuckles.
“Damn, I need more muscles,” Melissa said and wiped the sweat off her forehead, looking as tired as I was. “All those muscles I got from kickboxing are barely enough.”
“I need everything. I have no muscles for this,” I said and headed with her to the locker room.
My body refused to cooperate after two months of inactivity. I was already spent during the warm up, but sparring finished me off, sucking the last ounce of energy out of me. I wanted to lie down and rest for days. Even so, this long-awaited training was exactly what I needed after a long, gloomy day.
I was worried for Jess. She avoided Mel and me, only responding to our texts to say she wasn’t sure she would come to school tomorrow, which was disconcerting because she’d never missed a day of school before. All because of Blake.
Anger climbed up my throat. Ultimately, my conversation with him was a flop, and as if that wasn’t enough, Hayden showed up and... I clenched my fists.
Even now, my heart hurt because of the way he looked after he heard every single word I’d said. I could only imagine how much it hurt him. It would only fortify his belief that I’d betrayed him, and I feared it was going to break him. I feared I wouldn’t be able to reach him again.
“Are you okay?” Mel asked me when we went into the locker room, noticing the change in my mood. It was empty since only two more girls took the class with us, and they were still in the gym.
I couldn’t tell her what was on my mind, so I just replied, “Yep. I’m just tired.”
She gave me a flat look. “You’re a terrib
le liar, Sar. Even my grandma, who’s as good as a nun, lies better than you.”
I tightened my messy ponytail and opened my locker. “I’m just worried about Jessica, okay?”
She frowned and pushed her sweaty hair away from her face. “Those motherfuckers. They deserve to rot. If I’d been there, I would’ve chopped their dicks off. Especially Masen’s. He’s a walking STD, so the female population would be better off.”
“This time Masen isn’t the real problem here, Mel. Blake is. I have no idea why Blake hates Jess so much. From day one.”
I didn’t even want to remember the “welcome party” he threw on Jess’s first day in East Willow High.
“That’s why I don’t get Jess. If she’s bullied that much, why doesn’t she want to take Krav Maga with us? She needs to learn to defend herself.”
I shrugged, not really understanding Jess myself. Maybe she considered herself too weak to even try. “I don’t know,” I said and started changing my clothes. I needed a shower badly, but there were no showers here.
I was proud of myself for starting Krav Maga. It was a big first step, and it already boosted my self-confidence. I needed it more than ever with the looming uncertainty that was Brad. I couldn’t shake off the feeling that he would do something any day.
“No, don’t tell me,” Melissa said. She was looking at her phone with a frown.
I finished dressing and turned to face her. “Is everything okay?”
“I don’t know. My mom just texted me to call her as soon as I can because she has something important to tell me.” She called her, tapping her foot as she waited for her to pick up. “Mom? What’s the matter?” I could hear her mom’s hysterical voice, and a chill passed through me. “What?” Mel rasped, growing pale. Her mom sobbed as she spoke frantically, and Mel dropped down on the bench.
“Mel?” I whispered and kneeled in front of her. She stared at the floor, her whole body trembling.
“Why, mom?” She closed her eyes, her face growing more tense as she listened. “I... I will. Okay,” she said after a minute and ended the call.
“What’s going on?” I asked her.
She looked at me. “Mom and dad... They had a huge fight.” She drew in a long breath. “They’re getting a divorce.”
Oh no. I took her cold hands into mine. “I’m so sorry, Mel.”
She dug her teeth into her lip, looking off into the distance. “So they’ll do it after all, huh?”
I didn’t know what to say, so I just held her hands more tightly. It really wasn’t fair. On one hand, if they couldn’t stand each other, a divorce was a good solution, but on the other hand, Melissa and Steven would be dragged into the chaos of their separation. It was a difficult situation for everyone.
“I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. It was downright stupid of me to think they would patch up their differences.” She chuckled, but it sounded indignant. “Since Steven isn’t answering their calls, I need to bring him home. They want to talk with us about how things are going to be from now on.”
Her grief-stricken face twisted my heart. I’d never seen her this sad or fragile before. Her lips trembled, as if she could start crying any moment, and I acted on instinct. I pulled her into a hug and leaned her head against my shoulder.
“I’m here to help you. If there’s anything you need, just ask.”
“Thanks.”
As expected, she didn’t cry. Moreover, she quickly composed herself and got up, ready to fight her demons.
“All right. There’s no time to waste. I have to get Steven.” She looked at me. “I’d really appreciate if you came along with me.”
I nodded. It surprised me that she was asking for my help, but I was glad she was letting me be there for her for a change. “Of course. Anything you want.” I picked up my workout clothes and put them into my duffel bag. “So, where are we going?”
She gave me an almost apologetic look. “To their underground fights. Steven is fighting tonight, and I need to get to him as soon as possible.”
MY NERVES DANCED IN my stomach on our way to that underground fighting place. I’d never thought I would end up there, but here I was, on pins and needles as I thought about what awaited us. There was a chance I was going to see Hayden, which spurred my heart to beat faster.
“Thank you for this, Sar. Really, it means a lot,” Mel said, her eyes focused on the road.
“It’s okay. I’d do anything to help you.”
I did want to help her, wholeheartedly so, but it would be a lie if I said I wasn’t terrified after everything I’d heard about the local underground fighting places. Many stories were just rumors, but one thing was certain—for money, some people were willing to cross all boundaries. It was dangerous for us to go there alone, but Mel told me she’d been there a few times and they knew she was Steven’s sister. She assured me we would just go inside, find Steven, and get out, as simple as that.
I wanted to believe her, but I had to take it with a grain of salt, unable to calm down. My hands were too cold, and I created various scenarios in my head. None of them were good. Those people were in a gang. They were criminals, and many of them, if not all, carried weapons and knew how to fight. It was a dangerous world, and I never wanted to experience it.
I shuddered thinking about the people who had the misfortune to live that life. They were sucked into that volatile world, living it and breathing it every day, and there was no other reality for them. They woke up each day to the uncertainty of their lives. Today, they could lose a part of their body. Tomorrow, they could lose their life.
It was a sad way to live.
“Why can’t you just call him?” I asked her.
“Believe me, I tried it many times, but he rarely pays attention to his phone when he’s there.” She tightened her grip on the steering wheel. “And he just had to fight tonight of all nights. He knows our parents aren’t getting along these days, but he doesn’t give a shit.”
“You never told me much about Steven’s fights.”
“What’s there to say? Some fight for money, some fight for fun, and Steven fights for both. He has to get cash for his drugs somewhere.”
I gnawed on my lip. I didn’t know what to say about Steven’s drug addiction. Mel once told me he’d tried everything from weed to heroin. He didn’t want to admit he was addicted, claiming he could stop using any time, but he never tried stopping. He couldn’t get money from their parents, but he could make good money fighting. Hayden, Blake, and Masen had good cars and bikes because they earned a lot of money fighting and racing.
“The place itself is shady, of course. A lot of them are older folks, but there are also teenagers. Many of them come from dysfunctional or poor families, but then there are those like Steven and his friends, who are from rich backgrounds. Social differences don’t mean a thing there, though. They’re all the same, no matter the race or gender. The only thing that matters is how good they can fight. If they’re good, they will survive. If not...”
Her unfinished sentence hung thickly in the air, its implication chilling me to the bone. I got antsier with each passing mile, and the pepper spray I carried gave me no sense of protection at all.
“What if we can’t get out of there that easily?”
“We will, don’t worry.”
Although she sounded relaxed, her face was anything but. She was unusually serious, and I knew it wasn’t just because we were going to the dragon’s lair. Her parents’ divorce got to her more than she showed, and I wished she would stop guarding herself in front of me for once.
“I really mean it when I say this means a lot,” she said after a while. “I don’t talk much about my social life, because there isn’t much to say. I don’t have any real friends. So there’s no one else to call and ask them to come with me.”
Her face gave away that she didn’t feel fully comfortable asking for help. We never spoke much about it, but I was aware that Mel didn’t have good friends beside Jessica and me. She was unpo
pular in her school because Steven was one of the bullies, and also because she stuck up for the bullied, which meant going against those who were popular. In addition to that, her straightforward attitude and often harsh choice of words didn’t quite sit well with others.
“So if you ever need a favor from me, just ask. I’ll do it gladly,” she added.
“I know, Mel. You don’t even have to say it. And I don’t expect anything in return. I’m just glad I can help you, even if I’m not really doing anything.” She nodded and cast me a quick tight-lipped smile.
We entered the industrial area on the outskirts of Enfield. Many street lights didn’t work, so the streets were shrouded in semi-darkness and completely deserted. She turned into a small alley between two factory compounds that led us to another alley, progressing further through the labyrinth.
“How did you remember the route? The further we go, the more confusing it is. Also, scarier.”
She shrugged. “Sometimes, I feel like Steven’s babysitter. I often pick him up from weird places, so I was bound to remember it at some point.”
“Is that why you trained in kickboxing? To deal with this kind of situation?”
She didn’t answer. I was about to repeat my question, thinking she hadn’t heard me, but then she said quietly, “That was one of the reasons.” She didn’t say anything else, and I didn’t want to push it.
She passed a run-down brown brick building and slowed down, reaching the unlit parking lot that occupied a tiny space between the building and the old factory behind it. It would be easy to miss if you didn’t know exactly where to find it.
It was jam-packed with vehicles, so Mel barely found a free spot. “I have to warn you,” she said when she turned off the engine. “There will be some really weird people, and I don’t want you to freak out, okay?”
I nodded. I didn’t want to go there at all, but Mel needed me, so I had to be strong for her. “Don’t worry about me. I’ll be all right.”