Pained

by Vera Hollins

  “It is for me.”

  He sighed and looked at me like I was a child. “Okay then.” He motioned for me to get going.

  I stepped out and tugged my hood lower over my face, heading to the school. He locked the car with his key fob and fell in step with me.

  I felt a tug deep within me. I was surprised at the turn of events this morning. He’d decided to open up to me, telling me so much, and I felt like we were a bit closer. However, this didn’t make him any less unpredictable. I still didn’t know what to expect of him—of us.

  But only time would tell where we would go from here.

  Chapter 20

  THE HALLWAYS WERE ALMOST empty when we headed to English. I got tingles of excitement because we were going together for the first time, and it felt surreal. I had to keep my smile in check so I wouldn’t look like a total weirdo, sensing his gaze riveted to me.

  We managed to arrive to the classroom before Ms. Dawson, but the moment we walked in, the classroom went silent and all eyes turned to us. I hurried to my seat as whispers broke out, my eyes downcast. Hayden continued to his seat in the back of the classroom, completely unfazed by everyone’s attention.

  I looked at Jess next to me, and my eyes widened. She was extremely pale with dark circles under her eyes even her concealer wasn’t able to hide. A frown of worry creased my forehead.

  “Hey, are you okay?”

  “Yeah,” she replied, but it didn’t sound convincing at all.

  “Jess, you don’t look great. Did you get any sleep?”

  She formed a sad smile. “Yeah, but I wish I hadn’t.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I dreamed about Blake stealing all my clothes, and I had to go to school naked while everyone laughed and pointed at me.”

  “It’s going to be okay, Jess. They will forget it.”

  She shrugged. “Unless Blake decides not to let them forget. I never know what he’s going to do to me next, and it’s just horrible.” She glanced around us. “I feel like everyone’s looking at me. Some people even called me Food Slut when I got here.”

  I balled my hands. The whole school was obsessing over that picture of Jess, hungry for drama. She shouldn’t go through the same things I’d experienced. No one should.

  Ms. Dawson walked into the classroom, but as usual, nobody paid much attention to her, the room still ringing with laughter and talk.

  I leaned closer to Jess and lowered my voice to a whisper. “Please, don’t let them get to you. I’m sure they will lose interest soon and talk about something else. Like... You know.” I motioned discreetly between Hayden and me.

  Her eyes rounded. “Right. What was that about? Are Hayden and you okay now?”

  I blushed, thinking about these last few days. “We’re definitely on a roller coaster.” I twisted my hands together as I tried to find the right words to explain our complex situation. “He’s so difficult, Jess. I know his walls are so high and he can’t let me in that easily, but I wish I could help him. I wish he wasn’t so dark and distrustful.”

  She gave me a small smile. “I think in time everything will be better between you two, you know? You have to believe better things are coming your way.”

  I glanced at Ms. Dawson, who turned to the blackboard as she started the lecture. “Things are definitely better today.”

  I told her about last night in his room and our ride to school, skipping the details of our conversations.

  “That sounds like a progress to me,” she said.

  “Yeah.”

  The back of my neck tingled like I was being watched. I couldn’t resist glancing over my shoulder at Hayden, and my stomach made a backflip when I found his dark gaze on me. He sat reclined on his chair with his hands resting on the desk, piercing me with his eyes. I felt overly self-conscious, but I couldn’t look away. I was oblivious to the rest of the classroom, my body buzzing with awareness because he was close. A slow smirk crept across his face.

  “Sar? Sar, did you hear me?” Jess asked, and I frowned, tearing my gaze away from him. I was acting like some lovesick fool.

  “Sorry, what did you say?”

  She grinned. Her previously sad eyes gleamed with joy. “I said, it’s so cute how you two can’t take your eyes off of each other.”

  I fiddled with my fingers. “Yeah? It’s embarrassing.”

  “But still cute.”

  My phone vibrated in my pocket before I could respond, and I took it out. My stomach did another flip when I saw Hayden’s name on the screen. I opened the message.

  “Are you sure your IQ is higher than 25? Because you look like an idiot when you stare at me like that.”

  Embarrassment flooded my cheeks, and I glanced at him over my shoulder. He was looking at me with mocking eyes, spinning his phone on the desk as he rested his chin on his propped hand. I clenched my teeth as I typed my text.

  “If I’m an idiot that makes two of us because you can’t keep your eyes off of me either.”

  I jabbed the send button, noticing Jess stare at me out of the corner of my eye. “What?” I asked.

  ”You’re smiling.”

  What? “No, I’m not.”

  Her grin was huge. “Yes, you are.”

  The way her eyes glimmered told me she knew it was all about Hayden, and I huffed and stared pointedly at my notebook, feeling completely embarrassed. I felt like an even bigger fool for not being aware I was smiling.

  I was supposed to pay attention to Ms. Dawson, but I couldn’t when I could feel Hayden watching me, and I got goosebumps all over my arms and neck. I counted my breaths. Breathe more slowly, Sarah. Act normally.

  A new text arrived, and I opened it with a mix of anticipation and trepidation.

  “That’s only because you look like you’re having diarrhea. Do you need a potty?”

  Hayden!

  I groaned loudly without thinking, catching the attention of the whole classroom. Everyone went into a fit of laughter, and I started to sweat.

  Ms. Dawson looked at me with raised eyebrows, but she didn’t comment. She continued reading us a paragraph from a book.

  My phone notified me of a new message, but I debated with myself whether I should open it or just delete it.

  “That groan... You’re really taking a shit now?”

  Delete it. Delete it immediately, Sarah.

  I pressed “Delete” and decided to ignore Hayden no matter what this time.

  “You two are definitely cute,” Jessica whispered.

  I gaped at her. “Are you nuts? He’s sending me messages about my alleged diarrhea!” She giggled. “Don’t tell me that’s cute, because that’s not, and I repeat, not cute,” I said a bit too harshly, feeling like I was always two steps behind Hayden, and I hated it.

  “You’re right. It’s not cute at all, but do you know what’s cute? The way he looks at you.” She looked at him and sighed. “Yep, there it is.” She met my gaze. “Sar, there is such intensity in his eyes... I don’t remember ever seeing him look at someone with such warmth. He really cares about you.”

  I wasn’t able to form an answer, staring at her in confusion as I tried to figure out how things turned out this way so quickly. Until last week, I couldn’t even hope for something like this, and now here we were.

  “So Hayden, did Decker and you hook up?” our classmate Dan asked, speaking so loudly even Jess and I heard him from the first row.

  Ms. Dawson didn’t let this stop her from reading in her monotonous, flat voice. All students turned their heads around, looking at either Hayden or me, and my chest felt heavy when I met Hayden’s eyes. His face was blank, and I couldn’t know what might come out of his mouth.

  “We heard you gave her a ride on Monday, and now you showed up together. Was she a good fuck?”

  I turned to the front and looked straight ahead, unable to stand all those inquisitive and amused stares. Hayden remained quiet, and with each second of his silence, I grew tenser.

  “She was a b
etter fuck than your girlfriend,” Hayden said in a flat voice.

  A collective gasp spread through the classroom, followed by a loud laughter.

  “That hurt!” one classmate said.

  “It’s no wonder you look sexually frustrated, Dan!” the other said.

  “His girlfriend is a cheater, huh?” a girl in the second row asked.

  They were all laughing on Dan’s account, but all I could think about was that now they considered me Hayden’s new slut. I wiped my clammy hands against my jeans. I wanted to run away from here.

  “Silence! Mr. Black, you better watch your mouth. If not, I’ll throw you out of my class,” Ms. Dawson finally reacted.

  I heard Hayden snort. “Really? Then consider me thrown out.” His chair scrapped against the floor, and I whipped around to look at him. He was actually leaving!

  “Mr. Black! I didn’t give you the permission to leave.” He ignored her, picking up his things. “Mr. Black! You can’t leave this classroom. Sit down!”

  He strode through the classroom without even acknowledging her, not disturbed in the least that everyone was staring at him.

  Our eyes met for a brief moment before I faced forward again. I closed my eyes shut as I sensed him near me. He was a few feet away... More than two feet away... Directly behind me...

  He leaned in, his lips almost touching my ear, and I stilled as he whispered so only I could hear him, “Don’t pay attention to losers.”

  Before I could even react, he winked at me and left.

  THE RUMOR ABOUT HAYDEN and me sleeping together spread around the school at breakneck speed, and everywhere I went I was met with curious glances. A few girls looked at me like they couldn’t understand what Hayden found in me. Some claimed I was his girlfriend, and I didn’t like it one bit. Once again, I was in the spotlight, and this unwanted attention came like an icing on the cake after all the drama from the last few days.

  Was this how it would be if Hayden and I got together? People would look at me like I was an animal in the zoo?

  Spanish brought me more trouble because of Christine, who had heard the rumors. She and her clique called me names and started insulting me the moment I entered the classroom, humiliating me for everyone to see and hear. She even pushed me to the floor, but luckily, Ms. Holt arrived just then and intervened, threatening them with detention. They left me alone after that, but I could feel Christine’s eyes on me.

  When the class ended, I rushed out with no small amount of relief, finally able to breathe a bit easier because I didn’t have to be near Christine anymore, but I didn’t make it far when I heard Coach Benner’s voice coming from around the corner.

  “You need to get your shit together. Find a job or something. I can’t bankroll you all the time.”

  “I’m not expecting you to. Besides, I’m leaving Enfield. Isn’t that what you wanted?” a familiar voice responded, and every part of me grew rigid with tension. Brad.

  I halted before I rounded that corner and looked for somewhere to run, but they were coming in my direction, and by the sound of their footsteps, they were about to turn into this hallway. Just my luck.

  I braced myself for the encounter, my heart beating out a crazy rhythm in my chest. They turned into the corridor, and my gut twisted hard at the sight of him. His brows rose when he saw me, and his lips quirked up in a smile.

  “Sarah! We meet again,” he said with a grin and stopped. His voice was the epitome of politeness, a perfect mask in front of the coach, but I saw what was hiding beneath it; the traces of amusement on his face showed me the real truth. He recognized my fear and he was enjoying it.

  I drew back. “Stay away from me.”

  He chuckled, raising his hands in the air. “Easy now. No need to get upset over nothing.”

  Over nothing? I couldn’t believe him.

  The coach looked between Brad and me with a frown. “Brad isn’t going to hurt you. What happened before was a long time ago and Brad has paid his debt to society. You have nothing to be afraid of.”

  I gaped at him. Did he seriously believe that? And Brad had hardly paid his debt when he was released way earlier than he should have been.

  The bell rang before I could respond. Saved by the bell.

  “You better go to your class,” the coach said.

  Brad’s smile grew wider, sending a shudder of disgust through me. “Take care, Sarah.” The words were supposed to sound reassuring, but they only struck an immense fear into me.

  “J-Just stay away,” I repeated and rushed away, his chuckle ringing out behind me.

  I went to my locker with my heart lodged in my throat and leaned against it, willing myself to calm down. I thought about what I’d heard before they saw me. Brad had told his brother he was leaving Enfield. Did this mean he would leave my mother alone?

  Hope blossomed in my chest. We had to file for that restraining order anyway, but maybe we could finally get rid of him. Maybe he’d gotten a clue after yesterday and would leave us alone. Yes, that could be all that was to it.

  I headed to the cafeteria and texted mom about this, determined not to let him spoil my day.

  “Is he really leaving?” she responded.

  “That’s what he said to the coach. But we’re still going to get a restraining order tomorrow, right?”

  I held my breath as I waited for her reply. I had a hunch that she would change her mind. Her text arrived shortly after.

  “Yeah. I’m not leaving anything to chance.”

  I exhaled a deep breath, relieved, and met Jess by the cafeteria doors. She smiled at me when she spotted me.

  “What’s with that look?” she asked me.

  “I just saw Brad,” I replied and recounted Brad’s visit yesterday and what I heard him say to the coach.

  She gave me a wide smile. “So he’s leaving Enfield? That’s great news.”

  “Most definitely. Let’s just hope he’ll stick to it and be gone for good.”

  We entered the lunchroom, and my eyes went to Hayden’s table automatically. It was empty save for Masen and some girl, who were busy swallowing each other’s faces. A few girls turned to look at me as we passed them, and with each step I took, I drew more unwanted attention. I felt fidgety when we joined the lunch line.

  “She’s Hayden Black’s new chick,” one girl whispered behind me. My spine stiffened.

  “No way.”

  “Way.”

  “She’s ugly.”

  “Yeah. And skinny as fuck.”

  I took a long breath through my teeth and picked oven roasted potatoes and vegetables, shutting out their voices. Jess chose a roast beef sandwich, and I darted to our table, eager to get away from those girls.

  We sat down at our table, but my uneasiness remained, with all the recurring glances from all sides. I’d already regretted coming here, and my appetite was gone.

  Hayden entered the cafeteria minutes later, and his eyes immediately found mine. A rush of warmth trailed its way through me, allaying my anxiety. His face was expressionless as we looked at each other, but there was a spark in his eyes that drew me in and held me his captive. He reached the lunch line and turned his back to me when he stopped to choose his food.

  I dropped my gaze to my tray, my face burning. “I feel stupid,” I muttered.

  Jess took a big bite of her sandwich, munching on it with gusto. “Why?” she said as she chewed.

  “Because I keep staring at Hayden.”

  She giggled and took another bite. “Isn’t that”—she chewed and swallowed—“Normal? Because you like him?”

  “That’s creepy.” I moved my food around the plate with my fork. I couldn’t take even one bite, let alone eat it all.

  “Well, he stares at you all the time too, so I guess that’s just your thing.”

  “Our thing?”

  “Yep. Some couples kiss each other all the time; Hayden and you stare at each other all the time.” She shrugged.

  I gaped at her, chuckling. �
��We’re not a couple, Jess.”

  “Not yet.”

  I sighed and watched Hayden walk over to his table. He was typing something on his phone with his free hand. He glanced at me when he sat down, and my phone vibrated in my pocket. I took it out and unlocked it, my heart missing a beat when I opened his message.

  “Stop staring at me.”

  My lips stretched into a wide grin as I typed my answer.

  “This is a free country.”

  I sent it and looked at him. His eyes burned into me as if he couldn’t get enough of me. He looked at his phone when he received the message and read it. A second later, he cracked a smile. It slowly grew larger, illuminating his whole face. Oh wow.

  He smiled at my text.

  He’s so beautiful when he smiles.

  The sweet pressure in my chest doubled. I was on cloud nine.

  “I’m so glad for you, Sar,” Jess said.

  I returned her gaze, remembering that I had yet to tell her about my confrontation with Blake. My smile fell. I didn’t know how I was going to tell her this without upsetting her.

  “Um, there is something I have to tell you.”

  “What?”

  “I went to Blake’s locker to talk to him after school on Tuesday.”

  She paled. “What?” she croaked out and put her sandwich down.

  “I went there to tell him to stop harassing you.” A heavy pressure spread through my chest at her disapproving expression. “You looked so hurt, Jess, and I was worried. I was so mad at him, and I wanted to do something to stop him.”

  Her frown deepened. “So you went to Blake? That monster?”

  Monster. That word. “I had to. You’re my friend, and I can’t just stand aside.”

  She looked around the lunchroom and moved her hand through her hair in frustration, distress on her face ebbing into concern.

  “What happened? Did he hurt you?”

  I frowned, reminded of his strange reaction when I touched his shoulder. Our whole conversation was something I gladly wanted to forget.

  “Not really. As usual, he was mad, and he didn’t want to listen. In the end, it turned out to be pointless.”