by Vera Hollins
His hand traveled up my arm and stopped on my neck, holding it gently as his thumb stroked my cheek. Tingles danced across my skin, and my lips parted. He leaned in and kissed me, his tongue sliding over my lips before it met mine, and this was all I needed to be complete again. His other hand clutched my waist, and he moved closer to me, his kiss consuming me with its burning intensity.
His fingers laced through my hair as he pulled away. His heated eyes held mine, our hearts beating in unison.
“I love you. I was so close to losing you. So fucking close. When I saw that rifle aimed at you... Everything just stopped existing. I was a fucking shell, already in a reality in which you were gone and there was nothing anymore.”
I grabbed his face. “I’m here. I’m completely okay.”
He closed his eyes, frowning. When he opened them again, the fierceness in them encompassed my whole world, and I was falling. I was falling so deep.
“Seeing you in that moment made me finally realize how wrong I was for pushing you away. I’m so scared of losing you. I love you, Sarah. I’m tired of running away from that. I don’t want to run away from you. I know I’ll be difficult sometimes, hell, I will probably make you hate me, but I want you to remember that Hayden isn’t really me, and I’ll always try to fight against him. No matter what I say or do, remember that you’re the most precious for me and I love you. I want to be happy with you and make you happy, Sarah, so please be my girlfriend.”
I ran my fingers down his cheek. I felt so much, and I wanted to tell him so many things, but I struggled with words. I loved him. I wanted to make that last step across the bridge and reach him.
I pulled his face toward me and kissed him, trying to convey to him just how much he meant to me. “Yes,” I whispered, my lips grazing his.
“Yes?”
“Yes, I will be your girlfriend.” I held him firmly, my eyes never leaving his. “I’m yours, Hayden. And I’m not going anywhere.”
Chapter 26
“HOW ARE YOU FEELING?” I asked my mother, having come to visit her before I went home.
I was discharged this morning since Carmen thought there was no need for me to stay in the hospital any longer. She’d told me Patricia was recovering and everything was under control, but she still looked exhausted, and the bruises on her face took on a nastier color today.
She looked through me, as if she didn’t really see me. “The painkillers are doing a lousy job. Everything hurts so damn much.”
I raised my hands to tuck my hair behind my ears, but then I stopped, remembering I was without hair.
She noticed this, and her eyes hooded. “What happened to your hair?” She finally decided to acknowledge me.
My chest tightened with pressure. I didn’t want to talk about it with her. In fact, the more I stayed next to her, the more nervous I felt.
“I decided it was a time for a haircut.”
She raised her eyebrows. “Don’t you think that’s a bit drastic? You loved your long hair.”
The pain in my chest doubled, and I had to force myself to think about Hayden. I wasn’t alone. I had people caring about me. I just shrugged, having no idea what else to say to her.
“You were never a good liar. What happened?” she pressed further.
Why did it matter? She certainly didn’t care, so telling her my deepest feelings and fears was pointless. I looked away, focusing on the plain view outside of the window.
“Just some girls who don’t like me much. They played with a lighter, so you can get the idea of what happened.”
“I hope you returned the favor.”
I snapped my head at her, shocked to hear these words coming out of her mouth. “Are you serious?”
She shrugged her shoulder, her cold eyes revealing just how normal that idea sounded to her. “You have to stop being so weak. Wake up. This is the real world. If they attack you like that, what do you plan to do? Cover like a little coward and hope it will pass? People just wait for you to show them your weakness so they can use it against you.”
“Doing something barbaric to them isn’t a solution.”
She cocked her head to the side, her eyes mocking me. “Enlighten me then. What is the solution?” I took a deep breath, fighting to remain calm and avoid responding to her provocations.
“They got expelled, but I can always sue them.”
“Well, good luck with that.”
And just like that, she dropped the subject. Another proof of how little she cared.
Her eyes traced my body. “How about you? I heard about your gunshot wound. How do you feel?”
I had no intention of telling her how I truly felt. “I’m fine. My wound throbs sometimes, but it’s nothing serious. Mrs. Black told me I’d be as good as new in a few days.”
“It’s good you’ve recovered enough to go home already. I just wish they would let me go soon too.” She sounded like a pouting child, grumpy because she couldn’t go anywhere.
“Don’t rush it. You should focus on your recovery and rehabilitation.”
She crossed her arms across her chest. “I need something to drink,” she muttered.
I grimaced. The reminder of her addiction left a sharp sting in my chest, but I didn’t dwell on it.
Instead, I forced the words I had to say out. “I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry for leaving you in the cabin the way I did. I had to. You couldn’t move, and I wanted to look for help and come back for you.”
Her eyes flashed with anger, and she pursed her lips. “You just left me there. You wanted to leave me with that sick bastard.” She was staring at me in accusation, and it hurt so much. “What could you have done? Nothing. We were in the middle of nowhere, and even if you had found help, Brad could’ve taken me somewhere else by that time. He could’ve killed me!”
I closed my eyes, feeling like my mind was going to overload. Many things could’ve happened—all of them bad—and regret was a bitter pill to swallow. I wished I hadn’t been forced to make such an unfair choice, but I’d done it with the best intention.
“You were never a good daughter to begin with, but leaving your own mother like that? That’s inexcusable.”
Something squeezed my heart so hard, crushing it painfully slowly until it bleed out in anguish. Never a good daughter to begin with... She never even wanted me, always considering me a burden but expecting me to be “a good daughter” whenever she found it convenient. I was boiling on the inside with the unfairness, wanting to scream out loud how horrible and selfish she was.
But I was tired of starting fights that wouldn’t lead anywhere. I just wanted to get out of here, focus on school, and go to college and away from her. Just a little bit more, and I wouldn’t be reminded that family was not always about love, unity, and loyalty.
At least her attitude helped me get my resolution to push forward and appreciate more what life had to offer me. Kidnapping had helped me realize I didn’t owe my mother anything. This dreadful event had let my determination blossom and removed the shackles of fruitless hope and duty that had kept me tied to her. I had the right to pursue my dreams and do with my life whatever I wanted.
I’d get out of this small town that held so many painful memories for me. I wouldn’t let her chain me to herself and make me stay. I was done with letting her selfishness win. She wasn’t a good parent, and I was done pretending we were family. I was better off without her.
This liberating realization, though, did little to mend the gaping hole in my chest. It hurt too much, and I could only hope that time would help me heal.
“I just want you to know I’m sorry for everything you went through. Hopefully, this time Brad will remain behind bars permanently,” I gritted out through my teeth, zipping my jacket. The room became suffocating, and I needed to get out.
“Skipping a topic?” She refused to let it go, growing more distressed.
I couldn’t do this right now. I had to get out before I lost it.
“I have to go
now. I’ll come to see you tomorrow.”
She snorted and curled her lips in a derisive smile. “Sure. Go and enjoy your day.”
I flexed my hands and nodded. Don’t think about it, Sarah. Just go.
I marched out of the room, hoping to push the memory of this conversation to the farthest corner of my mind. I closed the door and took two tentative steps away from it, shutting my eyes to regain my composure. It would be okay. I would spend the rest of my day with Hayden, and he would help me forget about all the hardship and sadness. I would be okay.
“Baby?” I snapped my eyes open. Hayden was directly in front of me, his worried eyes inspecting every inch of my face. “Are you okay?”
“Hayden,” I breathed out and pulled him into an embrace, noticing a small paper bag he was holding.
“Hey.” His hands wrapped around me, giving me the support and safety I’d always needed. “I’m here. Everything will be okay.”
I gripped his jacket as I tried to snuggle closer to him without hurting him, basking in his addictive scent. “I need you,” I murmured into his jacket. “Hayden, I need you.”
He kissed my head. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”
I took deep breaths, soothed by his nearness and the strength of his body against mine. “She’s horrible. She’s never cared about me, and now she accused me of leaving her there with him.” I gripped his jacket more tightly. “I had no choice. I had to leave her and try to get help...”
“Don’t beat yourself up. You did what you thought was best. And who cares what she thinks? She’s a shitty mother anyway, so she can go and fuck herself if she wants.”
I stepped backward and took his hand. “I tried not to be affected by her so many times, but it’s difficult when I have to see her every day and be reminded that I don’t have a real mother.”
His hand roamed up and down my back in a calming way. “I understand, but you don’t need that bitch anyway. I’m here, Sarah. I’ll always be here. That’s a promise.”
His lips landed on mine before I could reply, leaving me in an enraptured daze. Our arms wrapped around each other as our kiss grew more sensual, and we got captivated in a whirlwind of love and need. He drew me closer to him, and an overwhelming heat enveloped my whole body. We were completely lost in each other, mending our wounds and tearing down all the obstacles that separated us.
“Ahem,” someone cleared their throat, and we pulled apart, both stunned after such a numbing kiss. I met the nurse’s amused stare, blushing. “This is a hospital, and you’re in the way.” She pointed at where we stood, which was right in the middle of a narrow hallway.
“Oh,” I replied, all flustered. This was embarrassing. “We’re so sorry.”
Her smile grew bigger. “I completely understand, but can you please leave your romantic display for some other place?”
Hayden opened his mouth to say something, but the nurse was already walking away. His eyes hooded, following her retreating back closely. “She acted like we’d been fucking.”
I grew crimson red. “Hayden!”
“What?”
“Watch your language.”
He snorted, and a chuckle erupted from his throat. “You wish, grandma.”
“Seriously, it’s not okay.” I heaved a heavy sigh and pointed at the bag. “What’s that?”
I thought he wouldn’t drop the topic that easily, but his face transformed from relaxed to anxious in a second, and my eyebrows drew together.
“Hayden? Is everything okay?”
He glanced at the bag and inhaled a long breath. “Yes. It’s just that...” His eyes met mine with an unusual vulnerability in them. “This could prove to be the shittiest decision I’ve ever made.” He clutched the rope handles in another display of his insecurity. “I need you to understand me, Sarah. I have a disorder, and I’m not able to convey with words how it really feels. I’m not able to explain to you why everything about me is extremely fucked up.”
He looked away, staring into the distance as he thought about something. I waited for him to continue, my stomach clenching in suspense.
“This is for you.” He handed me the bag. I glanced inside and saw something wrapped in a brown decorative paper. It had a shape of a book. “Consider it your gift for leaving hospital.”
I broke into a smile, confused and touched. “Thank you. You really didn’t have to give me anything—”
“I’ve been thinking a lot about this. I may regret this tomorrow, but I need you to know who I really am. I feel like you can’t fully understand me, and I can’t have you hate me the next time I do some shit.”
“What are you talking about? What is this?”
He frowned, looking at the bag like he’d already regretted giving it to me. “That’s my diary.”
What? I gaped at him. “Your diary?” He’d been keeping a diary, and he was giving it to me?
“Yes, but it’s not like the usual shit. It’s more like some short ramblings about life, feelings, and my BPD. I want to give you an insight into my hell.” He caught my hand. I was surprised by how cold his hand was. “I have to warn you. It won’t be pretty. It will be raw, horrible, and confusing, and there is a huge possibility that you’re going to hate me after reading it, but I need to be honest with you, no matter how much it tears me apart.”
My heart expanded with love, each cell of my body screaming with need to shower this guy with love and care. He was giving me his all. He was unveiling each layer of him for me to see, entirely exposing himself, even though it made him the most vulnerable. I clenched my fingers around the handles, treating his diary like his heart—like the most precious thing.
“That’s impossible. No matter what I find inside, I can’t hate you. I’ve already accepted you, and there is no going back. Now I just want to go forward. With you.”
I brought my hands around his neck and drew him in for a kiss, needing to show him just how much I loved him. He was trying so hard, which instilled happiness into me. I left small kisses all over his face, pouring all my love into each touch of my lips.
“I love you.” I returned his smile. “I love you so much. Thank you for this.”
“Promise me you won’t run away from me. Promise me you won’t leave me after you read it. You can’t leave me. Please.”
I cupped his cheek and smiled reassuringly. “I’m not going anywhere. Don’t worry. I’m here to stay. You can’t get rid of me that easily, you know?” I laughed, trying to ease his anxiety.
“You better stick to those words, Sarah. I need you.”
My heart fluttered. I caressed his cheek, carving my love into his skin. “As I’ve already told you, I’m here to stay. Now let’s go. I can’t wait to get out of here.”
We headed down the hallway, holding hands, and butterflies swarmed my stomach. I was excited to be able to walk with him like this. My boyfriend. My heart melted in my chest, urging me to jump from happiness and kiss him senseless.
“I didn’t know you kept a diary,” I told him when we reached the elevator.
He shrugged and pressed the call button. “It’s one of those things my therapist advised me to do. I’ve always used my poems as my outlet, so writing a diary felt... Different.”
“Does it help you?”
He grimaced. “Yes and no. Overall, it helps me get a better image of myself, but there are many pieces missing and some parts are a mess... You’ll notice there are several pages that are torn, and some entries are finished abruptly.” He raked his hand through his hair, exhaling hard. “Just... Please, don’t judge me. Okay?”
“I won’t. Don’t worry. I—”
His phone rang just as we entered the elevator, interrupting the thread of my thought. I pressed the button for the first floor, watching him silently as he took it out of his pocket and answered the call.
“Yes?”
His voice and expression changed instantly, becoming guarded and on alert, and a chill rushed down my spine. He looked at one spot
on the floor as he listened, his eyes gaining their edge. He fisted his hand.
“That motherfucker is crazy. I told him I wouldn’t be able to do it.” He listened more, his body stiffening. “That fucking asshole. I know. I know! You don’t have to remind me!”
Tension coiled deep in me like a whisper of a promise that something bad was going to happen. A tightening throb spread through my chest, making breathing difficult.
“All right! Stop talking! I’ll fight him.”
Fight?! No. No, he couldn’t fight. I gave him a panicked look. I’d completely forgotten he was a part of that gang amid the havoc of the last few days. He’d been terribly injured, and his ribs weren’t recovered yet, but he was going to fight again, risking his life. I didn’t want him to fight anymore. He had to stop this.
“I hate this guy’s guts. He definitely wants to settle a score after the last time, and I’m sure he’s planning something nasty, so I have no idea why T insists on the match.”
“No,” I mouthed, but he didn’t move his gaze from the floor, seemingly unaware I was trying to get his attention. “Hayden.” He didn’t react, breathing heavily as he listened intently to the person on the other side of the line. His body was rigid with fury.
“Fine! Set it for this Wednesday.”
Wednesday? No. That was the day after tomorrow. My fear built up, preventing me from thinking rationally. I didn’t want him to be a part of that cruel, bloody world anymore. I wanted him to stop hurting himself. I wanted him safe and free from his demons.
“No,” I said, catching his attention at last. “Don’t fight.” His eyes sliced me, his nostrils widening. “It’s so wrong. I don’t want you to fight again. You still haven’t recovered, and this will hurt you more. Please, cancel the match.”
Without any warning, his eyes grew darker and more dangerous, making me afraid to move even an inch. I was shell-shocked. He transformed right in front of me in less than a minute, from light to frightening dark.
The elevator doors opened when we reached the first floor, but he didn’t move to get out. His posture was hostile as he glared at me. He was furious with me, and I had no idea why.