by Vera Hollins
“Yes, I’m sure. Set it,” he let out through clenched teeth, bulging veins cutting across his neck. He darted out and sped up down the hospital lobby. “Talk to you later.”
“Hayden?” I rushed after him. “Please, don’t do this. You can’t fight. You’ll get hurt—”
“Shut up!” The hospital staff and visitors spun their heads around to look at him.
Embarrassment colored my cheeks, my heart pumping furiously from the unwanted attention. The hushed whispers erupted from all sides, frowns forming on the faces of those closest to us.
“Why are you so mad?” I tried to keep my voice as calm as possible as I scurried after him, not wanting to agitate him any more than this, but I felt distressed and appalled with the transformation in his behavior. He acted as if I did something that had set him off, but I hadn’t done anything wrong.
He pushed the glass doors open and dashed out into the cold, cloudy morning. “Why I’m mad?” He stopped in front of the hospital entrance and faced me, his eyes shredding me on the inside. “You think that just because we’re together now you can control me?”
What the hell? “What?” I gaped at him, my heart thumping loud in my ears.
“You think you have some right to tell me what to do with my life?! That’s who I fucking am, Sarah! And you lied to me! You told me you’ve accepted me, but now you’re trying to change me!”
No. No, no, no. How did things go so wrong? “No, it’s not like that. I’ve accepted you—”
“Shut up!” He closed the distance between us and loomed over me, shaking in rage. “YOU DIDN’T ACCEPT ME! You’re lying! You’re always trying to change me! Just like when you stopped me from making those bitches pay for setting your hair on fire! You showed me up in front of everyone and rejected my help!”
I grew colder. He’d held a grudge about that all this time?
My logic told me he was having borderline rage, but reading about it during my BPD research did little to prepare me for the actual thing. My heart absorbed every hurtful word he’d thrown at me, shrinking under the spreading toxicity that hurt like the daggers cutting into skin. A few people stood nearby, all of them looking between us with scorn or curiosity, and I just wanted to get away from their eyes.
“I didn’t want to humiliate you. I did that just because I thought it would hurt you deeply. Not only would you regret it later, which would make you feel horrible, but you would also have to suffer the consequences of your actions.”
“You only made me feel worse! You made me feel misunderstood! That’s the only way I know how to deal with the pain, but you don’t even care about it. You think that just because you know about my BPD you know everything about me, but you fucking don’t.”
No. He needed to calm down, and responding to his provocations wasn’t a way to deal with this, but it was hard not to defend myself when he was so wrong about me.
“Please, Hayden. That is absolutely not true. I care about you and your pain, and I never assumed I knew everything about you, but don’t do this now. We can talk about this later—”
“No!” His voice boomed, and I shrank. “Look at me!” He pulled my chin towards him, forcing me to meet his glare. “You just proved my point! You’re always a coward and thinking only about yourself! You just want to manipulate me now to make me stop saying the truth. My words mean nothing to you. You never understood me. You never understood my pain, and now you’re trying again to tell me what to do!”
Stop! Enough, Hayden!
I clenched my hand. I shouldn’t let him get to me. I had to remind myself that he didn’t mean it. His anger amplified each thought and feeling, twisting it into something utterly ugly, but he would have to calm down and think better about this... Ugh. This was so difficult. How could I be the calm one in this situation when he was hurting me? I had to be strong, but the confrontations were too draining.
“Geez, does he have to be so loud? So obnoxious,” an older lady standing near us said to her friend. They stared openly, their disapproval written all over their faces.
“What did you say, stupid hag?” Hayden snapped his head at her and took a menacing step toward them. All his dark emotions were focused in the glare he directed at them, and they yelped, darting away while crossing themselves and muttering about God’s punishment of sinners.
My chest opened into a big bleeding hole. Just a few minutes ago, everything was perfect, and I couldn’t have been happier, but then the cruel reality returned. I clutched the bag he’d given me, hoping for this to stop and for us to be better somehow.
“Hayden. Please. Let’s go. We’ll talk as soon as we get to my house, and it will be all right—”
“I’m not going anywhere with you,” he said with a pure hatred in his gaze. What?
My heart twisted. “What? What do you mean?”
“Right now you disgust me, and I can’t stand to look at you.”
Hayden. No, no, no. I swallowed an enormous lump in my throat, holding onto my stomach when nausea rushed from deep within. What the hell was happening between us?
He moved and tapped something on his phone, walking away from me, and I rushed after him, catching his arm in a desperate attempt to make things right. He tensed and halted, going still. He didn’t face me.
“Please...” My voice lacked conviction, turning into a pitiful plea drowned by dread and pain. I was so afraid. “I’m sorry if I did something wrong. Let’s talk and try to solve this. I love you—”
He snatched his arm away from me and turned his head to look at me over his shoulder. “Love me? You’re always lying, and I’m sick of it. Get out of my sight.”
He brought his phone to his ear and walked away, his long, furious strides leading him into the unknown. I pressed my hand against my chest and closed my eyes, wishing this was a nightmare and I would open my eyes and find out this wasn’t real. I would open my eyes and find happy Hayden next to me, with no doubts or mistrust inhabiting his complex mind.
This was like a razor to my heart, slicing me into pieces and leaving me to bleed, and I had no idea how to mend us. I had no idea how to help him—us.
I opened my eyes to find him in the distance, near the street. He was talking with someone over the phone. I glanced at the red crosswalk light and then back to his moving form.
“Hayden,” I let out, my heart taking a deep dive as I watched him walk and talk without even paying attention to the red light or the street. Why wouldn’t he look...?
My eyes darted to the left, spotting a car that was speeding with no intention to stop, and I couldn’t breathe... No. Not again. The bag with his diary slipped out of my hand and fell on the ground. Hayden was already on the road...
“Hayden!” I ran toward him, but my legs would never lead me to him on time...
The car started braking too late, its screeching sounds finally drawing Hayden’s attention to it, but he couldn’t do anything because the car connected with his body, hitting him mercilessly. In a blink of an eye, he flew through the air—a cruel image that got engraved deep into my mind—and rolled over the ground, landing on his back.
Time suspended, stretching into dark forever, and I was falling into abyss, his unmoving form causing the most horrible fear I’d ever felt. This time, there hadn’t been anyone to save him.
I wasn’t even aware of how I reached him, clutching his shoulder while people gathered around, but my eyes didn’t see him anymore. I saw Kayden’s dead body.
No. The blood puddle beneath his head was spreading, Kayden’s black, glazed eyes turning my world into nothing, and everything was dark again... No, no, no, no, no.
“Get someone from the hospital! He’s still alive,” someone shouted, and I snapped out of the nightmarish haze, my eyes focusing on Hayden’s closed eyelids. He was pale, looking distressed even unconscious.
“Hayden...”
My trembling hands gripped his hand. I was falling apart. No. He mustn’t die like Kayden. He must survive.
&
nbsp; “Please... Open your eyes...”
The first sob broke out of me, pain suffocating me whole as I hoped with all my might for him to react and get out of this.
“The doctors are coming!”
Two doctors with the nurses rushed out of the hospital, pushing a stretcher on their way to us.
“I’m sorry... I thought he was going to see me and stop... Jesus...,” the driver mumbled incoherently above me, but then all sounds in the background muffled when the reality hit me.
Hayden wasn’t going to open his eyes.
“Hayden...” The sobs continued, and everything was black. I wrapped my fingers around his wrist, his faint, slowing pulse shredding my heart into sharp pieces...
I’m sorry, Hayden.
Please, please, please...
Don’t leave me...
You have to be all right.
Don’t leave me!
More blood spread under his head, his life oozing out of him, and as the hospital staff reached us and moved him to the stretcher, all I could do was hope for a miracle.
A precious miracle that would save him and give us both one last chance at love and happiness.
Afterword
IMPORTANT BPD DISCLAIMER:
Hayden isn’t a representation of all people with borderline personality disorder, and this author’s intention wasn’t to portray this disorder or people with BPD in a negative way. Each person with BPD is different and may react differently in the same or similar situations. Hayden is just one person with this disorder whose own life circumstances played a role in some of his actions.
AS THE TITLE INDICATES, the main theme of Pained is extreme emotional pain, and it shows us more of Hayden’s side of the story, conveying his struggles and the problems that stem from his disorder. Living with a disorder is a non-linear battle that can last for a whole life, and Hayden represents people who struggle with something they can't control, no matter how much they try. Among other things, Sarah and Hayden’s story is a portrayal of relationships in which one or both partners have mental issues, and as such, it's full of regression and bumps on their road. I wanted to shed light on the emotional storm and insecurities mental illness can cause, while showing that there is light at the end of the tunnel. This is the central theme of the Bullied series.
As I researched borderline personality disorder, I stumbled upon many comments saying that people with BPD shouldn't even have partners and stay alone, which simply appalled me. So, like Bullied, Pained carries important messages, and one of them is understanding people with mental issues, who need it the most. Understanding and not judging too quickly. Pained also explores forgiveness, second chances, and finding love and happiness despite all odds.
Damaged, the third book in the Bullied series, is the conclusion to Sarah and Hayden’s story.
Acknowledgments
IT HAS BEEN A LONG journey since I started writing the first draft of Pained, and even though it’s said that writing is a solitary process, it takes quite a few people for the words to reach the world.
Kat Strack, thank you for the immense support and for spreading the word about my books. I don’t think you realize how grateful I am to you for recommending a completely new author in the indie publishing world and for believing in her.
Also, big thanks to Chaimaa. I really can’t thank you enough for all your posts.
I want to thank all bloggers for giving me a chance and for helping my books reach more readers. One huge thanks to everyone from my ARC team. You, ladies, are amazing, and I’m honored to have you on my team.
To my bestie Milica, thank you for always being so supportive and for listening to me ramble about my books. You’re the best!
To Jo, Kylie, and everyone from Give Me Books promotions, thank you so much for your amazing work.
To my editor Bethany Salminen, thank you for the hard work and helpful notes. I can’t thank you enough.
Ellie McGrath and Claire, thank you for your help with beta reading! It has been extremely helpful to me.
To my Evil Bunnies, my extraordinary reading group, thank you for everything. I just love your enthusiasm and your dedication to my books and characters. You all rock!
To the love of my life and my number one supporter Rasha. You’re always there when I need you, and you make life so much easier and brighter. Thank you for being you.
And one humongous thank you to all my readers. You’ve supported me all along and always motivated me to work harder and be a better writer. Thank you for reading Pained and for your time. I truly appreciate it.
About the Author
Vera Hollins is the author of the Bullied series, which has amassed 40 million reads online since 2016. She loves writing emotional, dark, and angsty love stories that deal with heartbreak, mental and social issues, and finding light in darkness.
She’s been writing since she was nine, and before she knew it, it became her passion and life. She particularly likes coffee, bunnies, angsty romance, and anti-heroes. When she’s not writing, you can find her reading, plotting her next book with as many twists as possible, and watching YouTube.
Read more at Vera Hollins’s site.