by Hughes, Maya
He squeezed my ass and groaned into my ear, expanding inside me and filling the latex between us.
Our shower was fast and sloppy, spilling water out of the too-small-for-two-people bathtub and onto the floor. We fell into bed, and I barely got the t-shirt over my head.
Nix’s still-dripping hair, flannel pajama pants, and bare chest made him look more delicious than any man had any business looking.
Curled up against him, it felt like all the things that would usually keep me up at night couldn’t touch me. Overdue tuition. What the hell came next in my life. Cheating exes. Disapproving fathers. Jerky neighbors who couldn’t ever turn down the volume of their parties. With Nix’s heart drumming against my cheek, I could sleep and dream without the worries I always carried with me.
He was my own personal worry stone, only when I rubbed him, I got a much bigger surprise. His gentle snores ushered me into sleep and whatever tomorrow would bring.
* * *
“And another one.” I wanted to chuck my computer across the room, but I didn’t exactly have the budget to replace it.
“Another what?” Jules came down the steps and flopped onto the couch beside me.
“Another rejection.” I was overqualified to work minimum wage and underqualified to get an office job—or any job, according to everyone I’d applied with. I squeezed my head in my hands, wincing as I hit the small cut on my forehead. At least the bruising was now just a light yellow.
“What happens if you don’t get the Huffington Award?”
“I’ll just have to hang around here.” I hoped my smile didn’t look as brittle as it felt. I’d have to find work wherever I could to get the money together so they’d release my transcripts and I could get something else. Peace Corps, nonprofits—all of them wanted that annoying little piece of paper.
“Don’t even tempt me. Being all alone in this house by myself next year…”
“You can get new roommates, and there’s always Zoe.”
“I wonder if she’ll come to move out her stuff.” Jules tapped her chin.
“If not, we can always sell it.”
“There is this blowtorch I’ve been eyeing all semester.”
“A blowtorch?”
“My crème brûlée game would be upped to the next level.”
“I didn’t know there were crème brûlée levels.”
“No need to use the broiler like a savage.” She shook her head with disgust. “How many more job applications do you have out?”
“A few. I haven’t been keeping track.” Actually, I knew it was three, and they were for jobs where I’d be hard-pressed to make enough to live and eat and save to pay off my balance for the semester if I didn’t win. My dean had assured me my application was strong, and the only thing I could do was wait it out. “It’ll work out. I’m just freaking out in the moment is all. No baking today?”
“You act like I bake every day.”
I lifted an eyebrow and looked at her sideways.
“Fine, I usually do, but finals are going well, so I’m not losing my shit right at this moment.”
“Dean’s list?”
“Maybe.” Her cheeks flushed and she looked away. “Fine, I’m a nerd! Sue me.”
“I’d say you’re more of a dork rather than a nerd. Aren’t nerds usually big into like comics and sci-fi and stuff?”
“I know my way around a few different star franchises.”
“Star franchises?”
“Come on, Elle. Star Trek, Star Wars.”
“Right, I totally knew what you were talking about—I was just checking to see if you did.”
“How are things going with Prince Charming?”
“Good?”
“That’s a hedge if I’ve ever heard one. What’s the wrinkle?”
“Nothing, and that’s kind of why I feel that way. He makes me happy. He’s gorgeous and so sweet it makes my teeth hurt.”
“And he’s awesome in bed,” she added.
I looked at her like Wtf?
“Our walls aren’t that thick. I can hear Nix doing the Lord’s work in there.”
My mouth opened and closed. “I don’t think that’s what that means.”
“It does for me.”
I laughed at her matter-of-fact, singsong voice.
“Anyway, he’s got an amazing future and he’s graduating cum laude.”
“And…what’s the problem?”
“No one is that perfect.”
She shrugged. “Maybe he is.”
“If he is then it’s only a matter of time before he realizes how screwed up I am.”
“You’re nowhere near as screwed up as you think.”
“When I’m with him, it’s like nothing can touch me. I feel like I’m giggling like an idiot and nothing else matters.”
“And that’s a problem…why?”
“It feels eerily similar to how I was with the other two, even beyond how it was with them.”
“Maybe you’re someone who goes all in with a relationship and you’ve finally found someone who deserves that from you.”
“Or I’m a terrible judge of character and the other shoe will drop, only this time it’s going to knock out my head and my heart at the same time.”
“If you keep looking for the cracks, eventually you’ll find them.”
“You’re probably right.”
“Of course I am. I’m your wise old owl of a friend.” She pushed up her glasses with her finger and jutted out her top teeth like a nerd character come to life.
I lobbed a pillow at her head, sending her hair flying across her face.
She blew it out of her eyes. “Next time, you should lie down and I’ll charge for the advice.”
A knock forced us to declare a truce in our half-assed pillow fight.
Jules opened the door and leaned against it. “Elle, it’s for you.”
“Actually, I wanted to talk to you.” Berk stepped into the house with his hands shoved into his pockets. He glanced around, probably hoping the place didn’t crash down around his ears. I didn’t blame him. After Nix had told me he’d paid our landlord for that window they’d smashed, I’d put in a complaint with the city over his complete lack of concern for our safety in this place, not that they’d done anything about it yet.
Jules’ eyes widened and she glanced from me to the open door.
“Me?” Her squeak was so high I was surprised it didn’t shatter the lenses of her glasses.
“Yeah, I have a special occasion coming up and wanted to know if maybe you’d be able to make a cake for me.”
“Me?”
“Unless it’s the Keebler elves making all the awesome stuff you bring over to the house.”
“It’s me. What did you need?”
“A layer cake. It’s this recipe.” He handed her a printout. “I’ve searched all over for a bakery to make it, but on short notice with graduation season, no one can get it done.”
“Any decoration?” She sounded like a bubble machine was about to carry her away.
“Do you have rainbow jimmies?” He shifted from foot to foot like it was impossible for him to sit still.
“Of course. Is this for one of the guys?” She beamed at him. “Do you need me to write anything on it?”
“Nah, not for the guys, and you can put ‘Happy birthday, Alexis’. She’s going to freak when she tastes this. I’ve told her all about your stuff and she’s really excited.”
My eyes slammed shut and I dropped my chin to my chest. It was like watching someone get punched full on in the face.
“I—” Jules cleared her throat. “I can do that, for sure.” She covered the crack in her voice well. “When did you need it by?”
Standing, I gingerly walked toward them. The floorboards squeaked and creaked under my feet, each one like a new splinter in Jules’ heart. Berk was oblivious, but the way her fingers gripped the edge of the paper and the slight tremor rumbling through her made me want to pull her into a hug an
d order a gallon of ice cream.
He pulled out his phone and glanced at the screen. “Tomorrow at four?”
She nodded, like she didn’t trust her voice.
“You’re the best.” He squeezed her in a hug with her arms trapped down at her sides. “Tell me how much it is and I’ll get the money to you—or did you need me to pay in advance?”
She shook her head and forced a smile.
“You’re a lifesaver.” He waved to me and popped back out the door.
Jules stood staring at the closed door for so long I was afraid to move.
Lifting her hand, she wiped at her cheek.
“Jules…” I dropped my hand onto her shoulder, and she jumped.
She grinned at me, a kind of sad, deranged expression, and rubbed at her eyes under her glasses. “I’m fine.” An exhale of breath that was meant to sound light and carefree sounded anything but. “No big deal, I’m just baking a cake for Berk’s girlfriend or something.” She shrugged.
“Jules…” I reached for her, but she stepped away, crossing her arms over her chest.
My mouth opened and closed, and the helplessness killed me.
“Why’d you keep pushing me at him?” Her voice cracked, and the corners of her mouth tightened. “Oh my god, I’m the other woman!”
“Maybe it’s new.” I covered my mouth with my hand, tears burning in my eyes at her pain. “Has he ever mentioned anyone when you’ve written to each other?”
“In our sex letters? You think he’d mention having a girlfriend?” She flung her arms out.
“You said they’d moved beyond sex stuff.”
“They have.” She stared after the closed door. “I thought we were getting to know each other, but I guess he got bored.”
She shrugged like she didn’t care, but the wobble in her lip and the look in her eyes were unmistakable.
“Don’t say that.” I grasped for anything, absolutely anything to make this less shitty. “Maybe she’s just a friend.”
Jules shot me an ‘are you freaking kidding me’ look. “Let me go get the stuff together for this thing.” She scanned down the paper. “She’s got good taste. It’s an awesome Milk Bar recipe.”
“Do you want me to help?”
She wiped her nose with the back of her hand. “It’s better I do this myself. Don’t you have work?”
“Shit.” If I wanted to make rent I did, not that I doubted Jules would spot me, but I also wanted to be there for her. “You sure you don’t want me to stay?”
“I’ll be okay. It’s not the first time something like this has happened, and it won’t be the last. At least I didn’t have to look at the pity in his eyes as he sawed my heart out of my chest.”
32
Nix
Sweat dripped off the tip of my nose. Gripping the ball in my right hand, my fingers found the familiar groove of the laces against the pebbled skin. I shouted out the play and looked for my open receiver.
Reece was taking the meandering route through the defenders. His draft position was secure. He shouldn’t have even been out there on the field, and the same went for me. A flash of blue streaked across the field. Keyton had been practicing in the offseason. He broke free from the defenders, finding a perfect pocket for me to sink the ball into.
I let it fly, wincing at the pain in my arm. Looking up into the stands, I stared at my dad talking to a few different agents and recruitment teams. I almost expected him to jog onto the field and lift my upper lip, showing off my teeth to them like a prized horse.
Elle was coming over after her shift. I wanted to pick her up, but I didn’t want to be late again. She’d said she’d be fine. The easy way she walked into our house and I walked into hers made me happier than it should have. Three months ago, she’d have removed my balls with pliers if I’d crossed on the sidewalk in front of her house and now there wasn’t a night I didn’t sleep with her head resting against my chest, running my fingers through her hair.
She always smelled so good, like the color of her hair tricked my brain into thinking of anything sweet, though she’d probably have killed me if I ever called her sweet. As much as she still pretended to be prickly, I saw the real her, the vulnerable and unsure Elle who was just as afraid of getting hurt as anyone else.
I lifted my hand to my shoulder to massage it but pulled my helmet off instead. Rubbing my shoulder after a throw would result in at least a three-hour rundown lecture after practice, AKA the final showcase.
“Thanks, man.” Keyton jogged over to me. “I wouldn’t have gotten those guys to look twice at me if you hadn’t shown up today.”
“Don’t worry about it. You’ll kick ass next year and wow them even more.”
He tugged on the front of his jersey, jerking his pads down. “Ah, I don’t know. This season’s been so awesome because of you and Reece. Once you’re gone, I don’t what we’ll do.”
“You’ll survive, and if you want this, don’t let anything get in your way. You’ve got the skills. Now you just need to trust them.” I tapped the center of his chest. “Did the guys talk to you about moving into the Brothel next year?”
“LJ and Berk mentioned it, but I wasn’t sure.” His eyes dropped to the pristinely cut grass.
“Reece and I are moving out no matter what. I’m sure they don’t want to split the rent two ways.”
“They said someone else already said yes. Marisa?”
Well, that would be interesting. “She’s staying there already.”
“Cool, I’ve never lived with a woman before.”
“Not even your mom?”
“Nah, she died when I was little.”
“No shit. Mine too. Looks like we’re both in the club and didn’t even know it.”
He let out a short huff. “I guess so.”
“Living with Marisa will be no big deal. Other than the weekly manicures and tampon runs, you’ll be fine.” My eyes widened. “But seriously, under absolutely no freaking circumstances do you let her cook, or eat anything she’s cooked.”
His eyebrow lifted.
“I’m not kidding. Nothing. Not toast. Not a bagel or a muffin. Nothing, or you’ll be praying to the porcelain gods for who knows how long.”
“Good to know.”
“And we’ve found most of the leftover remnants from the old frat and cleared them out by now.”
“Remnants?”
I shuddered. “Latex doesn’t exactly break down as quickly as you’d think. Even with the new paint job and cleanings the landlord did, let’s just say there were…stragglers.”
“Maybe I should look for another place. I’m not much of a partier, and I don’t want the guys to feel weird about it.”
I clapped both my hands onto his shoulders. “Trust me, they’re not big into partying either. It’s a great house. The landlord fixes anything we need.” Unlike Elle’s asshole of a landlord. “It’s a great location and the price is good. Do you know which room you’d be in?”
The tips of his ears reddened. “They said yours.”
“Great. Come by after you have a shower and check it out. Seriously, I’m glad it’s you they’ve got moving in there. Those two need someone responsible to keep them in line.”
His chest puffed up at that compliment as he smiled wide.
“I’ve got to go talk to my dad. I’ll catch up with you, and if I don’t see you, just head to the house.”
“Thanks, Nix.” He jogged toward the locker rooms.
My dad droned on and on and I stood there, letting my mind wander to better things, Elle-shaped things that felt so good pressed up against me. All the layers of padding and protection came in handy. I clasped my hands in front of my crotch.
“And not only is Phoenix an asset on the field, he’s an asset off of it as well, and there are so many ways he can bring a positive spotlight to a team in these days when so much negativity has taken hold.”
Dad had his speech down pat. I nodded at all the right spots, smiling and going alon
g with it all. It was easier this way, and frankly, I didn’t give a shit. Maybe once I finally played my first season, I’d blow out my shoulder and all his aspirations for me would die right along with his attention. Then I’d be free from a dream that had never been mine.
That thought blindsided me, ramming into my head like that car through the intersection.
That wasn’t what I wanted.
I wanted to play. I’d always wanted to play…right? But, the idea of getting hurt like that…didn’t scare me like I’d thought it would. A career-ending injury to stop all the madness didn’t send shivers down my spine or fill me with a clawing dread. What the hell did that mean?
“Nix.”
I shook myself out of those thoughts. “Yeah, Dad.” I walked up to his side.
“Anything you’d like to say?” He looked at me out of the corner of his eye.
“No, I’m good. Nice meeting you all, and I look forward to seeing you at the draft.”
Everyone dispersed, and Dad kept his hand on my shoulder. The message was clear: Stay put.
“That was a missed opportunity to stand out. You’ve been distracted.” He stared straight ahead.
“I’ve been taking the meetings and calls whenever you’ve asked.” I shook his hand off my shoulder. “Stop trying to control everything in my life.”
Rushing into the locker room, I showered, changed, and looked around the blue- and gold-painted space one last time. This was it.
I pulled up in front of my house, greeted by the smiling face and soft lips of the only woman I’d ever pictured a future with. The urge to tell her was almost undeniable. I wanted to drag her to the rooftop garden of the student center and shout it to the whole campus.
“You’re still sweating.”
I brushed back her hair from her face. “It was a tough workout. Being back on the field felt weird.” I tucked her under my arm as we walked into the house.
“Good weird or bad weird?”
I shrugged. “Just weird knowing it was the last time I’d suit up on the field with those guys.”
She rested her hand on the center of my chest and looked up at me. “I’m glad you got to do it one more time.”