by Hughes, Maya
“Me too. Closing this chapter was going to happen whether I wanted it to or not, so it was nice to go out on a positive.” I looked around the living room, the posters hung on the wall, Berk’s textbooks and snacks all over the table.
“It was here and gone in a blink. Now the real world. Well, real for some. I don’t think we can count pro football as the ‘real’ world.” She curled her fingers in air quotes.
“What about you? The real world beckons.”
“Don’t remind me. At least with me winning the Huffington Award some doors will open up and I can breathe a little. Then I can make a decision.”
“It’s a lock? They told you?” I sat in my char and tugged her down onto my lap with her legs draped over the side. “I knew you’d win!”
“Nothing’s official yet, but my dean said he’s never had a better application, so I can’t imagine it going any other way.” For once she was glowing with happiness without any tired shadows around the edges.
“You worked hard for it.” I ran my hands over her thighs, gently squeezing.
“Is anyone else here?” She leaned in closer and cupped my head against her chest, absently running her fingers through my hair.
“I don’t think so, but—”
The front door flew open. “And if he’s feeling generous, he might leave his chair behind.”
A cavalcade of football players came storming inside, laughing and breaking the momentary tranquility of me and my girl.
Elle spun around on my lap, facing the door with the unfortunate side effect of rubbing me just right through my sweatpants. She lifted her butt to stand, and I grabbed onto her hips.
“This is all your fault, so you have to suffer with me.” I ground myself against her as I whispered in her ear, letting the results of her teasing torture us both.
She let out a yelp and shuddered.
“Which chair?” I called out.
“The one you’re sitting in.” The guys piled into the room, taking over the formerly quiet space and filling it with Yuengling, chips, and video games.
“Maybe. I might leave it behind, but it’s also got some good memories.” I tightened my grip on her hips. The subtle throbbing sent rippling waves of pleasure through me, and it affected Elle too judging by the way her fingers tightened on the wide leather armrests of the recliner.
“This isn’t fair,” she whisper-yelled at me.
“It’s not fair you gave it to me in the first place.”
“Not like I can help it.”
“And I can’t help my reaction to you. Looks like we’re stuck here.”
Elle’s eyelids fluttered and she shot up off my lap, grabbing my hand and tugging me forward with more strength than I’d ever imagined she had.
Rushing to the stairs, she nearly collided with LJ bringing out a pan of buffalo chicken dip.
“Nix needs to show me something upstairs,” she blurted out then yanked me up the steps behind her.
“I’m sure he does,” Berk called out after us.
Inside my room, she slammed the door shut. “Naked, now.” She whipped her shirt up and over her head. “I’m going to make you pay for that little stunt down there.”
Grinning, I kicked off my shoes. “I can’t wait.”
33
Elle
“Elle.” Mitchell stood beside me as we waited in the wings of the stage before taking our seats in the neatly arranged rows behind the podium the deans and the president of the university would stand at to give us our awards. “Good to see you here.”
“Wish I could say the same.” There wasn’t any need to play nice. He was an asshole and that was that. A few people peered out at the audience, shielding their eyes from the bright lights of the stage.
His smirk was as self-satisfied as ever. “No need to get snarky. We’re both here for the same reason.”
I hated that he was right. We were there to stand up on the stage and have people applaud our good deeds.
Nix came up behind me and rested his hand on my arm. Mitchell’s eyes widened as his Adam’s apple bobbed.
“Hey, Elle. I was looking for you.” He stared into my eyes like we’d been apart for years—not hours—with a yearning and happiness that made my toes tingle.
Mitchell cleared his throat, drawing Nix’s attention.
Breaking the connection between us, Nix stepped to my side and turned to Mitchell.
“Sorry, I didn’t see you there. Phoenix Russo.” Nix extended his hand. “And you are?”
“This is Mitchell Frank. I told you about him.” I looked at Nix over my shoulder.
He scrunched his eyebrows together like he was scanning the recesses of his mind for even the slightest mention of someone with that name. I could’ve kissed him. “You dated?”
Mitchell tugged at his tight collar. “We dated for nearly a year.”
“A whole year? Elle hasn’t really mentioned you much at all. I guess it wasn’t that big of a deal.” Translation, he wasn’t much of a big deal.
“We worked on the Fulton Filanthropists together. This year, I’m heading it up solo, and we’ve raised over five thousand dollars for charity.”
“Elle, didn’t your Give on the Gridiron event raise that in the first hour with the signed jerseys?” Nix looked at me, and the delighted glint in his eye made it hard to keep my hands off him.
“I think it was by the third hour. Things were a little disorganized at the start.” The struggle to keep a wide, gloating grin off my face failed miserably. I loved this man. The fleeting thought stuck in my chest, and my heart sped up. I love him.
“I’m sure next year you’ll top that in no time.” He draped his arm over my shoulder.
“The dean’s waving us over. Let’s see what he needs.” I pressed my hand against Nix’s chest. “Bye, Mitchell.” Mitchell stared after us slack-jawed. I shouldn’t have let it make me so damn happy, but it did.
“Now’s your time to shine, B and E.” Nix kissed me on my temple as we stood offstage, waiting to walk out to our seats.
The awards droned on for what seemed like hours, but I kept my face neutral, trying not to be blinded by the lights hanging in the rafters. With Nix beside me, it wasn’t so terrible sitting in front of a couple hundred people in the audience. His small finger strokes to my pinky were enough to keep my mind off the fact that the stack of award note cards didn’t seem to be getting smaller.
A room-shaking round of applause broke out for Nix as he stepped up to receive his award for sportsmanship. There might’ve been an airhorn or two smuggled into the much more subdued ceremony.
He sat back down beside me and winked.
They moved from sports to community service. At least I’d be put out of my misery before they gave out the academic awards.
“This year, we have three awards for the work our exemplary students have done in the community. First, the Brennan Award goes to Mitchell Frank.”
His stunned expression was a sight to behold. The Brennan and Grayson awards were pretty plaques to shove in a drawer. They didn’t come with the prestige and financial award like the Huffington, but who the hell could’ve done more than Mitchell other than me? Who the hell had come in second place? Whoever it was, I’d thank them after the ceremony for the look on his face alone.
My legs bounced up and down, and I slipped my hands to the edge of my seat. There wasn’t anyone else who’d been as visible in our area. The Huffington was mine! With the award and the money, I could take the summer and figure out what I wanted to do. The Peace Corps wasn’t what I wanted. Maybe I’d get Nix to find out who I could talk to with the team about more community work there.
Nix mouthed, “You’ve got this,” and gave me a wide grin.
Maybe I’d see where he got drafted and follow him like a lovesick puppy. That didn’t make me want to run away screaming like I’d have thought it would.
“And for the Grayson Award…” The university president read through his spiel, but I couldn’t e
ven hear him. I’d done it! I looked around to see who else I’d seen at the events who might be in the running. “Elle Masterson.”
My head jerked back and my stomach plummeted. What? There had to be a mistake. I hadn’t won the Grayson; I’d won the Huffington.
They were calling me too early.
Only, they weren’t.
The air in my lungs shrunk to a pea-sized spot and I couldn’t feel my lips. Every waking hour for nearly two years, I’d busted my ass for this award. I’d sacrificed my social life, sleep, and sometimes my sanity. A pre-sob shudder reverberated in my chest, and the petering applause of the audience crackled in my ears like shattering glass.
On numb legs, I stood and walked forward to claim the award—my shiny, new, second-place award. I shook the hand of the university president and posed for a picture from the photographer in front of the auditorium full of people. I’d peeked at the results that day in the dean’s office—there hadn’t been anyone who’d done more than me, and no one could’ve swooped in with such a short amount of time to fill with events they’d organized. Mitchell sitting behind me with his even smaller plaque was a testament to that. I’d raised money. I’d ladled out soup and chopped vegetables until it took days for the feeling in my fingertips to come back.
Had the winner discovered a cure for a fatal disease?
Sitting back in my chair, I stared at the plaque. Nix sat beside me, trying to get my attention, but the rabbit hole I’d fallen down was way too deep for me to come up and face him right then.
It wouldn’t have physically been possible for me to do more than I’d done. I had three settings: burnout, just past burnout, and careening into burnout.
The only thing I’d done for myself in the past two years was the time I’d spent with Nix, late nights snuggled up beside him in bed as he stroked his fingers down my side, sending ticklish zings down my spine. All I wanted to do was crawl under the covers with him and not come out until he made this numbness go away.
“Our final award for community work is one I’m especially proud to present. This nominee was a late entrant, but with all the work he’s done lately, it was hard to overlook the contributions he’s made to the community on top of the exceptional spotlight already on him out on the field. This year’s Huffington Award winner is Phoenix Russo.”
I’ve heard people say when something big happens in life, the entire world slows down, and I swore I could’ve seen a hummingbird’s wings flapping in front of my face.
Nix stared at me wide-eyed as everyone in the audience clapped and cheered.
“Phoenix was a major part of a recent community service project building homes for families in need, and the story brought massive attention to the cause. He also started the first of what we hope will be many campus-wide blood drives. It was the largest ever for a campus our size, according to the Red Cross.”
The scene in front of me got blurry like a funhouse mirror had been slipped in front of my eyes.
Like a zombie, Nix walked over and stood beside the president as he rattled off all the accomplishments Nix had achieved in addition to his incredibly busy football schedule, things like giving out meals at a local soup kitchen. The audience swooned and clapped, murmuring about how surprisingly good he was.
Betrayal was something I’d tasted before. I’d been burned by the raw, searing pain that comes along with it, but I’d never had anyone serve it up quite like Nix. I’d never had someone rip open my chest and ladle scalding mounds of it straight onto my heart.
Dropping my plaque, I bolted from the stage. My attempts at keeping it together were like a bucket against a tidal wave.
A hand wrapped around my arm and spun me around.
Nix stood there in his suit with his perfect hair and the award still in his hand. “Elle, I don’t know what the hell is going on.”
I shoved both hands against his chest. “No!” My voice echoed off the rafters on the side of the stage, and more than a few heads turned in our direction.
The rest of the winners filed off the stage and posed for pictures with their families and friends.
“You don’t get to lie to me about this. You don’t get to use me like this and then try to pretend you don’t know what’s happening.” Angry tears burned in my eyes.
“There are no lies. I don’t know what’s happening. I was supposed to get the sports award and that’s it. I never applied for this. This was yours. I never wanted it.” He was frantic, trying to get me to meet his gaze.
“All your caring and surprises were a freaking cover—for what? What benefit can this have? You know how much this meant to me.” There was no stopping the tears now. “You knew I needed this grant to help me figure things out.”
He reached for my arms, but I jumped back.
“And that’s exactly why I’d never do this.” His gaze jumped from mine to over my shoulder. “But I know who might’ve.”
I turned to follow his gaze. A tall, broad man with the same eyes as Nix stood near the stage, a man I’d met once before at the hospital.
“My dad…” Nix took a deep breath and shook his head. “My dad did this.”
“Right, your dad just magically won you the award I’ve told you all about.”
“Yes. That’s the only thing that explains it, and if you need the money from this, I’ll give it to you. I don’t want it.”
“I don’t want your charity. You know it’s not just the money I needed from this award, and I’m sure that would be blazed all over the cover of Sports Illustrated too: ‘Selfless athlete assists indigent college student.’ Shove it.”
“I’m telling you the truth.”
“No, you’re a liar. That’s all you’ve ever been.”
“Would you just listen? Elle, I love you.”
“Liar.”
He hung his head and shook it. “You’ve been waiting for this, haven’t you?” He stared at me with tears in his eyes. “Waiting for a reason to end this, a slip-up to justify cutting me loose…”
The slow shake of my head was like a match strike in his eyes. I covered my ears with my hands.
His fingers wrapped around my arms and he stared into my gaze with a pleading that sliced me to my core. “I love you. Tell me you don’t feel the same about me. Forget what you’re trying to come up with in your head to use to push me away and believe me.” He pressed his lips against my forehead.
Tears flowed down my cheeks, and I squeezed my eyes shut. I wanted to believe him. I wanted it so badly it made it hard to think straight, but I’d been down this path before, ignoring things because I wanted to believe someone loved me as much as I loved them. I loved Nix, and he’d lied. He’d been using me to help his reputation.
I’d faced this before, and I couldn’t let myself believe what wasn’t really there. The ticking clock on this had started the second I’d slept with him; that was how it always went. “No.”
I broke the hold he had on me and backed up.
His lips tightened and he nodded. “I don’t have anything else I can say, Elle. You’re so worried about being hurt that you can’t even see that you’re hurting the people around you. I love you and would never hurt you like this. No matter what you think, know that’s true.”
I stared past him to the bright lights of the stage and other award winners taking pictures and laughing together.
Would he have really stolen my award, knowing how much I’d worked for it, how much I needed it?
My head was spinning. None of this made sense.
His body rigid, Nix walked past me with a slow gait like he was waiting for me to change my mind, waiting for me to tell him all was forgiven, but the words stalled in my throat like my car going up a hill. As much as this hurt, it would be okay. Better for us to end now rather than in a year when I walked in on him in a hotel room with some other woman, or five years from now when I walked into our bedroom with him balls deep in someone else.
The future I hadn’t even let myself admit was floati
ng through my head evaporated in a puff of smoke.
I walked outside, and it was already dark. There was no one else around, everyone having run off to their celebratory dinners or parties. I was there…alone.
“Elle.”
I’d made the right choice, hadn’t I? Nix and I had always been this weird picture people kept trying to figure out. He’d have been gone in no time anyway.
“Elle.” Fingers wrapped around my elbow.
Turning, I came face to face with Jules. “What are you doing here?”
She looked at me with concern swimming in her eyes. “Nix called me.”
His name burst a dam I’d been holding back, a swelling tide breaking through the last lines of defense. I threw my arms around her and collapsed.
Her soothing pats on my back as she rocked me back and forth only made the tears and choking sobs rack me harder. We folded onto the curb outside the theater I didn’t even remember leaving, and she brushed her fingers down the back of my head, telling me how it would be okay, only it wouldn’t.
It couldn’t be after what had just happened.
When my hiccupping tears turned to sniffles, Jules peeled me off her shoulder and took both my hands in hers.
“What happened?”
The story came pouring out of me like water from a busted fire hydrant.
Jules held my hands and brushed a tear off my cheek.
“And I let him walk away. No…” I shook my head. “I shoved him away, but it was bound to happen eventually, right?” I looked at her, waiting for that Jules support she always gave me.
“Elle, you’re my best friend, and I love you.” Her lips tightened and she took a deep, shuddering breath. “But why don’t you think you deserve someone to love you?”
Her aim was far too accurate for that kind of solid gut punch, and I tried to tug my hands away from her.
She held tight. “No, don’t run away from this. I’m not going to let you push me away too. Have you not seen the way that guy looks at you? They fixed our freaking porch—that was way too much work to just be some PR stunt or an attempt to get laid. He cares about you, Elle, even when there are no points to score. Why else would he have called me? He wants to make sure you’re okay. He loves you.”