by Hughes, Maya
Zoe’s bedroom door was open a crack.
Pushing it open, I peered inside. She had a towel wrapped around herself and smacked her bed, sending a cloud of dust all over. Grabbing her discarded socks, she wiped down the dust on her desk and dresser. She picked up her bag off the floor and scattered her books all over the newly cleaned desktop.
Clutching the towel tighter around herself, she rushed forward, nearly knocking into me.
“Hey…”
“Elle,” I supplied.
“Right, hey, Elle. Did you need the shower? I just turned it on. I’ll be super quick.” She bolted into the bathroom, taking the quickest shower known to man.
I glanced between the open doorway and the bathroom across the hall. Was she really here? It had seriously been a thought in the back of my head that Jules had made Zoe up as a ploy to help me afford this place, going so far as getting someone to pretend to be her on move-in day and throwing some furniture into the room.
The water shut off and she stepped out of the bathroom.
Someone knocked at the front door, and I bent to check who it was through the window.
Zoe grinned. “Perfect timing.” She sprinted down the steps and opened the door for a middle-aged couple dressed in business wear like they were getting ready for a corporate takeover. Throwing her arms around them, she invited them in.
“Mom, Dad, I’m so happy you’re here. I was just grabbing a shower. Stay down here and I’ll run up and get changed.” She showed them into our living room.
“This is where you’ve been living?”
“Well, the allowance you gave me this year made it hard to find anything better, but I love this place so much and my roommates are amazing.” She beamed so brightly I was nearly blinded from a whole floor away. “Make yourselves comfortable. I’ll be right back.”
She darted back up the steps and winked at me before closing her door.
I stood at the top of the stairs, in awe of her balls. The front door opened again.
“Ready to graduate, biatch—oh!” Jules yelped as she spotted our strange visitors.
I laughed, covering my mouth. It felt weird, like getting on a bike again after years away. I rested my head against the wall and closed my eyes.
“Why the hell didn’t you tell me we had people over? And who the hell are they?” Jules hissed at me as she tiptoed up the stairs.
“They’re Zoe’s parents.”
“Zoe?”
As if conjured by our words, she breezed out of her room like a quick-change artist in a sundress with her cap in hand and her robe over her arm. “See you two at graduation,” she called out on her way back down the stairs.
“What the hell?” Jules and I bent to watch her disappear out the front door with her parents.
“If you weren’t here, I’d have thought I hallucinated the whole thing.”
“She just showed up?” Jules nudged Zoe’s door open, looking inside her room.
“Out of the blue. Rushed in here minutes before her parents knocked on the door.”
“She lives,” she whispered like an ancient prophecy had been fulfilled.
I huffed.
“There were a couple letters for you on the floor down there.” Jules held them out to me.
A potent cocktail of fear and longing ricocheted inside my chest. My head shot up, the blood rushing to my brain and black spots dancing in front of my eyes. I lunged for the envelopes in her hand, ripping through the less official-looking one. It was a cream square envelope with a hospital return address on the back flap. What in the hell? My name was scrawled across the front, a single sheet of paper inside.
You deserve this.
- Nix
Did he mean my pain? The torture I’d been putting myself through? I wanted to curl up into a ball and disappear. Being cheated on didn’t compare to this. That was a pain all its own, but this was a living, breathing creature digging deep inside me and tearing me apart. I squeezed my eyes shut, and the well of tears I’d thought had long gone dry found a new source. They poured down my cheeks and made it hard to breathe.
“Open the other one.” She nudged the fallen envelope toward me.
With trembling hands, I slipped my finger under the unsealed corner of the envelope. Flattening the tri-folded sheets of paper, I sucked in a shaky breath. Through watery eyes, I scanned the document, searching for the words I’d hoped to see over and over with every request for something I could do to get the hold released.
Block removed. Tuition paid in full.
Behind the short, perfunctory memo was a full copy of my transcript.
Degrees awarded:
B.A. in English
And today’s date.
A sob caught in my throat. He’d done this for me.
After everything, after the things I’d said to him and how I’d treated him, Nix had saved my future. I didn’t deserve him, and it would only be a matter of time before the love I had for him wouldn’t measure up and he’d realize every way I was lacking then I’d have to watch him walk away.
Wrapping my arms around myself, it was all I could do to hold myself together. I laid on my bed. Curling up on my side, I clutched his letter against my chest and rocked back and forth.
Jules ran her hand over my back, and I wished it were the type of cure that solved all problems like it had back in elementary school, wished she could give me a cookie and a back rub, telling me it was all going to be all right and me believing her because I knew it was true.
Now, though, I knew the real cost of mistakes. There weren’t any do-overs like in kickball. I didn’t get to say the pitch was a bad call and ask for another.
A bit later, with Jules’ help, I dragged myself back out of bed, took a shower, and got dressed. The least I could do was attempt to function in front of my parents. I didn’t need to add to their worry on top of everything else crumbling around me.
They showed up at our door, knocking and snapping a picture of me as soon as I opened it wearing my cap and gown.
“Sweetheart, look at you.” Mom pulled me into her arms for a hug, and it was all I could do to maintain my composure. Forcing a big, wide smile, I let her fuss over me.
“You look good, kid.” Dad hugged me and squeezed me tight. “I’m sorry I let you down.”
Pinching my lips tight, I shook my head. “You didn’t.” I patted his back. “Everything’s great. I’m graduating, right?” I pushed back the welling tide that had my eyes prickling and made it so I had to let out a deep breath through my mouth. I was graduating because of Nix.
“I’m so proud of you.” Dad squeezed my shoulders and released me back to Mom’s fussing and fixing, dealing with the imaginary smudges that can only be removed by a mother’s spit, the stray hair that’s always in the way for every picture.
Standing in front of our house, we took more pictures: just me and Mom, me and Dad, Jules and me, Mom and Dad and me with Jules serving as our photographer.
In more than one picture, Mom called me out for not looking into the camera. Instead, my gaze drifted to the house across the street. It was quiet. The guys were in the business school, which meant their graduation had been earlier. The philosophy department was relegated to the last slot of the day.
Fake it till you make it, right? I’d fake it like I wasn’t broken inside in a way I had no idea how to fix. I’d been running from love for so long, and I’d have to keep running—away from his soft eyes, his strong arms, and the way his soul sang to mine. I’d wear this fake smile as long as I had to, because there was no coming back from Nix.
There was only an expanse of desolation in front of me. He’d given me everything I’d worked so hard for, and it all dimmed in comparison to what it was like trying to go on without him.
36
Nix
“We brought you this.” Reece stepped forward with his fingers twined with Seph’s.
I winced at the alcohol-on-an-open-wound pain radiating through my chest.
/> He handed over my cap and gown. Graduation would come and go, not that there would be anyone there to watch me walk, not that I even wanted to stand up in front of crowds of people who thought they knew me because they’d seen me throw a ball across a field for the past four seasons.
“We figured you paid for it. You should at least get to wear it.”
“How’s your Gramps doing?” Berk sat beside me and crossed his arms.
“We’re just waiting for him to wake up.” I dragged my hands down my face.
“Has Elle been here?” Reece craned his neck like she might be pressed up against the wall and would pop out from behind one of the chairs like a street magician.
“No, she’s not here.”
“Do you need one of us to call her? Or go get her?” Berk grabbed his phone. “I have her roommate’s number, I think.”
I shook my head. “No.”
“Seriously, we can go get her.”
“I said no.” My words were a shot in the hushed tones of the room. Everyone stared at me like I’d lost it. Little did they know, I’d lost it a while ago.
“We can wait with you.” LJ sat in one of the chairs. Marisa sat beside him and gave me a small smile.
“You don’t have to.” I shook my head. “I’m sure you’ve got graduation parties and stuff to get to.”
“Nah, we’re good here.” Berk patted me on the back. “Anyone want some candy from the vending machine?” He popped up, and everyone laughed. It was the first ray of lightness that broke through the intense cloud cover on my life.
Gramps was in the clear, though the surgery had been rough with an even larger blockage than they’d anticipated. After sleeping on the miniature furniture in the hospital for three days, I’d dragged myself back home once he woke up and pretty much banished me, saying I smelled rank.
Dad had stayed too, but we hadn’t spoken for two days once he came back into the waiting room. We took up our spots on opposite sides of the space, making it unbearably uncomfortable for anyone else who tried to grab a seat. The other waiting rooms didn’t have the same simmering tension and unbridled animosity clogging the air like the blockages clogging Gramps’ arteries.
My only break from the antiseptic and fluorescent limbo I was in had been when I went onto campus and did what needed to be done. No matter what happened with Elle, I knew she shouldn’t be trapped in some bullshit limbo not able to properly move on with her life because my dad had screwed her over.
I’d slipped the envelopes under her door then Jules had opened it. She’d tried to convince me to come in, but the thread I was holding it together with was fraying more and more by the second.
Collapsing into my bed, I’d slept long enough to remember I was human and then headed back to the hospital. Dad took up his spot in the corner of the room and let his ominous presence do all the talking since his mouth wouldn’t, even when Gramps made me promise to go check on the restaurant. Dad didn’t say a thing when Gramps asked me to get the new menus printed and gave me a list of things to make sure had been ordered, not piping up even when he asked if I’d stay through the preview night dinner service while he was in the hospital.
On autopilot, I got to the restaurant, and everyone swarmed me, needing to know what was going on. I gave everyone the rundown and they got to work, just like they knew he’d want. With all the dishes ready to go, everyone started sitting down at the large family-style setup we’d created, transforming the restaurant into an extension of the family they’d all become.
“Sorry, we’re closed for a private event,” someone said through a small crack in the door, ready to close it on whoever couldn’t read the three signs posted and didn’t know the neighborhood tradition of preview night.
But the pale pink flutter of hair through the closing gap between the door and the frame had me getting out of my seat. She wedged her face into the small space, and our gazes collided.
“I know, but I wanted to talk to Nix.” Her words carried and died on my name, a swallowed sound like it was hard to push it out.
I crossed the distance between us. It might as well have been the Grand Canyon. Every step reverberated through my body.
Her voice sounded like one I hadn’t heard in years, not less than a week. I felt like I’d lived a thousand lifetimes since standing with her in the wings of the theater.
“She can come in.” I patted one of the new guys on the shoulder and pulled the door open, letting her in.
She ducked her head and stepped inside. “I just found out about your grandfather. With everything that happened with graduation, my parents were here and I…well, I thought you were avoiding me. Not that you had a reason to, because you didn’t do anything wrong. That was self-centered to think it would have anything to do with me—you know, you not being home, not taking my calls…and now I’m rambling.” Her gaze landed on every square inch of the place except where I stood.
I wanted her to look at me. Close up, with nothing between us, I wanted her to see me, to finally see me and how much I loved her, how much I needed her, even when I wished I didn’t. Even when I told myself I shouldn’t, the way my heart was making a dash for the end zone from the fifty-yard line, I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to.
I held out my arm, motioning for her to follow me back into the kitchen. Holding the door open for her, I let her walk inside.
The door swung shut behind her, and I pretended everyone on the other side of the room didn’t have their eyes trained on us through the slowly closing gap. Restaurants were second only to hair salons for the amount of gossip that swirled around.
I crossed my arms over my chest, balling up my fingers against my sides to keep from reaching out to her. The muscles in my shoulder resisted the extra pressure.
Her cheeks were flushed like she’d run from wherever she was coming from. The soft pinkness of her lips was just as I remembered, just as I’d memorized staring down at her night after night. With everything that had happened over the past few days, I’d been so close to calling her. Breaking down in the moments I left the waiting room or my grandfather’s room, I wanted to bury my head in her stomach and let her wrap her arms around me and tell me she loved me and it would all be okay. But I couldn’t, not if she’d never trust me. Giving her all of me while she held some of herself back would eat away at me.
“You wanted to talk.” I kept my voice level, swallowing past the lump in my throat.
She took a deep breath, sucking it in through her pursed lips. “I’m so sorry about your grandfather. I just heard and…and I wanted to say that to you. I know how much he means to you, and he was always so kind to me.”
At least she cared enough to come here. She looked as worn down as I felt, but it wasn’t like all the times I’d seen her dragging herself home before. If anything, all that should have been over now that graduation had come and gone. “Was that all?”
“Thank you,” she blurted out. Her lips tightened and her voice wobbled. “Thank you for what you did with my tuition. I’ll pay you back, but thank you. You didn’t have to do it. I don’t even know why you did it, but thank you.”
“You don’t know why I did it?”
Her words fanned the glowing ember sitting in the bottom of my chest, the doubt. Would it always be there? Even after everything I’d said, did she still not know?
“You don’t know why I did it?” My pointed repetition drew her attention, and her gaze shot to mine.
“I get that you didn’t plot behind my back with the Huffington Award, and I know you were telling the truth. I knew even then, but I’m not good with trusting myself. So, I wanted to tell you that in person. I know that isn’t something you’d have done behind my back. You’ve been who you are from the beginning, and that’s the same kind, loyal, and patient guy I met the first time I saw you.” Her voice cracked. “But I blinded myself to that. My own hang-ups and bad experiences stopped me from believing everything we could’ve been.” She wiped her nose with the back of
her hand. “I’m sorry. I wanted to be the girl who could be everything you wanted and needed. I wanted to give that to you, so much, and I’m sorry I’m even here talking about this when your grandfather’s in the hospital, but I didn’t know if or when you were leaving town and I didn’t want to leave without saying that to you.”
“You ripped my heart out, Elle.”
She stared at the floor between us and nodded. “I know.”
The sides of my eyes prickled with tears.
“I know. If it means anything to you, I ripped my own heart out. I thought…” She took another deep breath, steeling herself for the words to come. “I thought if I didn’t ever let myself love you, I couldn’t be hurt again.” She brushed at the tears trailing down her cheeks. “But I was wrong.”
She looked up at me with the sawing pain I’d felt in my chest reflected in her eyes.
“And there’s nothing I can do to make up for how I treated you.”
I tipped my chin to the side and held her gaze. “There is one thing.”
37
Elle
The knot in my stomach tightened with each passing second. Pretending everything was just fine in front of my parents for the past two days had put me on the razor’s edge, and the way Nix was looking at me now turned the knot in my stomach into a fist. It was hard to look at him. His jaw was so tight I could see each shift of his tendons.
I shouldn’t have come, maybe just sent a letter or carrier pigeon when I was on the other side of the globe. With my diploma, the Peace Corps had given me the final approval to head off on a two-year stint in Burma, 8119 miles away from Philly, away from Nix—although in this moment, I wished I were already that far away.
I hadn’t been sure exactly what kind of reception I’d get from Nix when I saw him, but I hadn’t expected this kind of cold detachment. I’d failed. He was surrounded by his restaurant family, and I was intruding. That had been made abundantly clear.