by Hughes, Maya
Was I a hair’s breadth away from ugly crying?
He had his arms crossed over his chest. His button-down shirt stretched over his body in all the right places. I missed him. I missed the warmth in his eyes and the way he put everyone around him at ease. I hadn’t thought he had this kind of stone-cold look in him. Maybe it was one he saved for the field.
My stomach plummeted. I was receiving—and deserved—the same look he gave his opponents.
“There is one thing.”
His words filled me with a flicker of hope.
He stepped closer, nearly toe to toe with me. “Did you ever love me?” His words felt clinical, like an exit interview question.
“How could I not? You have an entire city ready to throw you a parade whenever you leave your house. I love you and that’s why I couldn’t trust you—because it’s not just you I didn’t trust, it was me. The two times before when I thought I was in love? They’re peewee football compared to how I feel about you. You’re the pros, Nix, and if I couldn’t handle my heart being broken back then, there is no way I’d be able to deal when things fell apart with you. It was a preemptive strike, but all I did was blow myself up. So that’s me being completely and totally honest. I love you.”
His silence was so loud it hurt. It was like two hands squeezing my chest.
His face was an impassive mask, and I’d lost him. Of all the things I’d lost, losing him hit me the hardest because it was my own stupid hang-ups that had gotten in the way.
“You’re busy, and I’m sorry for barging in here and ruining your evening. I’ll let you get back to it. Please tell your grandfather I hope he’s back in the kitchen soon, and I—” I turned and blinked back the tears I refused to let fall until I was back outside.
“Stop.” That one word sliced through my rambling, soon-to-be-blubbering mess.
“Nix?” The pain of his rejection crushed me. I’d have to make it through, and maybe someday I’d find something to fill the hollow space in my chest where my heart had been. I backed away from him.
His arms shot out and he held on to me.
My pulse throbbed in my arms as his grip tightened.
“I needed to know.” His voice covered me like a thick, heavy blanket. Staring up into his eyes, I saw they brimmed with unshed tears that matched the ones drying on my cheeks. His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down. “I needed to know this wasn’t one-sided.”
After everything I’d learned about trust, I didn’t trust my ears. I couldn’t, and any response died in my throat because hope was a cruel jokester and I couldn’t handle that right now when the glue hadn’t even dried on the parts of me I’d tried to stick together.
“I needed to know.” He sank his fingers into my hair, his palm resting against my cheek and nearly lifting me off my feet as his mouth crashed down on mine. I couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, and then, like a movie slipped into fast-forward, I scrambled to get even closer to him.
I wrapped my arms around his back and tilted my head, parting my lips and letting him inside—into my mouth, my heart, and anywhere else he’d have me.
“It was killing me thinking you didn’t love me too.”
“I’ve loved you for a long time, so long I didn’t let myself believe it.”
Tears burned in my eyes, but this time I didn’t try to hold them back. They were tears of joy born out of a trial by fire of my own making.
Nix kissed away my tears and cupped the back of my head while our tongues danced, each swipe of his lips rekindling the embers of desire that had been drowned out since the last time we touched.
He broke off our kiss. Our matching panting breaths were the only sounds over the gentle din of chatter from the other side of the door. Resting his forehead against mine, he gazed into my eyes, and I wanted to kick my own ass three ways to Sunday. Love shined in his eyes like a lighthouse beacon in a stormy night.
“What will you do now that you’ve graduated?”
“I got my Peace Corps assignment.”
“Where?” The word was rough and tight.
“Burma.”
“8000 miles away.”
My eyes widened. “How’d you know?”
“I researched everywhere on your list when you told me before and checked out some flight schedules. Thirty hours of travel each way isn’t going to be pretty, but I can make it happen.”
Resting my hand on his chest, I pressed my lips against his. “Just when I didn’t think I could love you any more…” I shook my head at the insane kind of fool I’d been. “You don’t have to do that.”
“I can’t go two years without seeing you, not after what this week felt like.”
“You don’t have to travel to see me—because I’m going to be here.”
“You found a job here?”
“Sort of. It’s an internship. With all the money I saved this semester, I have enough to give myself a cushion—after you paid off my tuition, that is. I’m interning with an event planner.” I ducked my head and swallowed against the blush brewing in my cheeks. “They work with a lot of charities and nonprofits, and I thought maybe I could help them get the word out and partner with bigger organizations.”
He ran his fingers under my chin and lifted my head. Should I have run off to Burma to live in a hut for two years and help a local village? Probably. That’s what a good person would do, but Jules had given me the idea and my wheels had started turning, the ones that had been thrown into turbo at Give on the Gridiron.
“That’s the perfect fit for you. Think of how much more those groups can do with big names and even bigger money behind them. Doing good things doesn’t mean you have to be Mother Teresa 24/7. Don’t be afraid to do what makes you happy.” He nuzzled his nose against mine. “And I know you’ll put your whole heart into it. Anyone you work with will be lucky to have you at their side.”
I blinked back those anxious tears and nodded.
“Speaking of doing what makes you happy…how much of how you felt about me had to do with me being a professional football player?” A glimmer of nervousness flickered in his gaze.
“About 0.001%. Why?”
“Funny you’re changing the direction of your life, because I’m doing the same thing. This week was rough and made me realize a lot of things. Football isn’t something I can do anymore. I’ve done it for my dad my entire life, and all it’s going to do is grind me down. The paycheck isn’t worth it when I can be here in the kitchen with Gramps. He needs to take it easy, and I’m the only one who can convince him to slow the hell down. So, I’ll pay my dues and take it over from him soon.”
“Wow.”
“Right?” He laughed.
“You’re sure about this?”
“As sure as I am about us.” He dragged his thumb across my cheek. “This week was rough without you.”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there, and I’ll spend as much time making up for it as I can.” I tightened my hold against his back, fisting his shirt between my fingers. “You’ve gotten under my skin since that first second.”
“Are you sure you weren’t just a bit awestruck by getting to see me buck-assed naked?”
“I won’t say that wasn’t part of the package.” I let out a watery laugh.
“I knew it—you’re just using me for my body.”
“More like loving you for everything you are.” I dragged my fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck, letting the soft strands run through my fingers.
“Including my ass.”
“I’m more partial to this.” I dragged my fingers along the indentation just below the waistband of his jeans.
“We’ll have to make sure we get reacquainted soon.” He stared at me like he was afraid I’d disappear right in front of his eyes.
I nodded. “And we have the rest of our lives to do that.”
“The rest, huh?”
I swallowed past the thickness in my throat. Now wasn’t the time for me to hold anything back. Every cell in my bra
in should’ve been screaming out for me not to make some crazy, rash declaration, but this time my brain and my heart were in perfect agreement. “Forever.”
“I can deal with forever.” He dragged his thumb across my bottom lip. The rough pads of his fingers sent shivers down my spine. “On one condition.”
“Tell me.”
The corner of his mouth lifted. “There is one thing you can do to make it up to me.”
38
Nix
“We’re never giving up! We’re never surrendering!” I slammed my back against the wall. A plastic cartridge filled with more darts slid into my hand. I rocked my head to the side and grinned at Elle, pulling her close to me and tasting her lips like I might never taste them again.
I wasn’t taking another touch, another kiss, another night for granted when it came to her.
“This wasn’t exactly what I had in mind when you said I could make it up to you.” She licked her lips.
“We’ll have plenty of time for that later.” My gaze darted to her lips. “Right now, we need to kick some capture the flag ass.” Two Fulton U flags were up for grabs; one was gold with a navy Trojan on it, and another was navy with a huge non-school-sanctioned FU in the center of it in gold lettering. The latter sat at the end of the upstairs hallway.
“Did you take me back for my phenomenal nerf battle skills?”
“One of many reasons.” I pressed a quick kiss against her lips, unable to help myself.
Forty sweaty and victorious minutes later, we all kicked back in some chairs in the backyard. Keyton and Berk, first out of the game again, had freshly made burgers ready to go.
“How many of these games do you play a year?” Keyton took a bite of his burger and took a swig from his beer.
“As many as we feel like.” Berk crammed his burger into his mouth.
“Cool.” Keyton grinned and had another drink.
“Although, I’d like to add boob shots to the no-nut, no-eye clause in the rules.” Marisa raised her hand. “Taking a dart to the nip is no joke.”
“Ris, seriously? We don’t need to know about your nips.” LJ covered each ear with half a hamburger bun.
“What’s the matter, L? You don’t like hearing about your bestie’s breasts? My bosom? My sweater chickens?” She tugged at the edge of the bun, trying to pull it away from his ears.
“If you don’t stop, I’m not going to dinner tomorrow.”
She plopped down in her seat. “No need to overreact. Sheesh.” She sullenly picked at her patty.
“What’s the big deal about dinner?” Elle squirted some ketchup on her burger.
“It’s dinner with my dad, the last one of the school year until I’m free.”
“I guess you guys don’t get along?”
“Hard to get along with someone who was never around and then lords his free tuition waiver over your head and makes you come to weekly dinners at his house, but other than that, we get along just fine. Peachy keen.” Her brittle smile had everyone admiring the leaves and grass in the backyard.
A knock on the gate saved us all from the abject awkwardness that had settled over our group. Berk jumped up, nearly spilling his plate on the ground.
“Jules!” he announced to everyone in a three-block radius.
“Elle said you guys were grilling, and I know everyone is leaving…I had a lot of brownies left over and didn’t want them sitting in the freezer all summer. So, I wanted to drop them off.” She shoved the container into Berk’s chest.
“Drop them off—that’s crazy. Stay for a bit. We’ve got more than enough food.”
Jules edged toward the gate, but Berk wrapped his arm around her shoulders and tugged her over to everyone else.
Elle and Jules seemed to be having some kind of silent, eye-only communication, and Jules dropped into a seat looking like she expected to be offered up a turd sandwich.
With a plate settled on her lap, Jules took small, calculating bites like there was a game of mouth Tetris she needed to get right in order to eat. “How did your friend like the cake?”
Berk’s head shot up with brownie crumbs on his cheek.
“What cake?” I snagged a brownie from the container he seemed perfectly fine with hoarding. “You’re holding out on us and ordering cakes for yourself?”
“No…” His leg bounced up and down. “It was a birthday cake.”
“How’d she like it?” Jules’ fingers tightened on the edge of her plate.
“She said it was the best cake she’s ever had.” He said it quietly like it was a conversation just between the two of them.
Jules smiled at him, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “I’m glad Alexis liked it.”
She’d detonated the A-bomb. LJ whipped around, and Reece shook his head.
Elle, Jules, and Keyton all stared at us wide-eyed.
“No.” LJ waved his finger in the air. “Nope. She’s bad news, man.”
“Do I need to remind you what happened the last time she came around?” Reece smacked the back of one hand into his palm.
“I got all the stuff back, plus, I didn’t bring her here. I went to her.”
Dragging my hands down my face, I shook my head. Berk’s heart was way too damn big. She was a user, and every time she came around, Berk was left holding the bag and cleaning up her messes.
“You’re going to be a pro football player—this is when you start thinking about the type of people you want around you and the type of people who’ll be toxic to your success.”
“I get it.” He handed the container of brownies off to Seph, who squeezed his hand as he walked off. “I’ll get more beers for everyone.”
“Who’s Alexis?” Elle looked to all of us.
“A friend of Berk’s from before college. And she’s…well, let’s just say she’s not good for him.” LJ seemed to deflate back into his chair.
“He seems to care a lot about her. He got her a cake,” Jules offered meekly.
“Sometimes he’s his own worst enemy,” Reece said as everyone looked through the wide kitchen windows at Berk shoving more bottles of beer into his arms. “I’ll go help him before he drops an entire case of beer on the floor.” Reece tapped Seph’s leg and she stood, letting him save our beers. He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “So lucky.”
Her cheeks burned brightly and she ducked her head as he rushed into the house.
These guys were the best friends I’d ever had, and in a matter of weeks, this house would no longer be one I called home. It wasn’t like I’d be sad living in a place that didn’t have the moniker the Brothel, but we’d gotten closer than friends there, more like brothers, and as an only child, that meant more to me than all the plays out on a field.
The backyard gate unlatched. Striding across the grass with his telltale limp, my dad had his gaze laser-focused on me. Jumping up from my seat, I rushed over to him.
“Dad, what are you doing here?” I led him back to the gate and stood at the side of the house with my arms over my chest.
He looked at me and took a breath, the kind he always took before laying into me about the thousand things I’d fucked up between waking up in the morning and the minute he saw me. Staring up at the sky, he shook his head.
“I fucked up.”
My jaw dropped. I swear they heard the thud from a block away.
He stared at me with tears in his eyes. “You’re—” He covered his mouth with his balled-up hand. “You’re my son, Phoenix, and I love you. I love you more than anyone on this planet, and I’ve always wanted what was best for you. I wanted you to succeed and do even better than I ever could. I was a screw-up who still can’t believe your mom decided I was the one for her.” His voice cracked.
“Dad—”
“Let me finish. There’s a lot I need to apologize for. When you were little—” He sucked in another breath. “When you were little, you looked so much like her it hurt. Every day was a reminder of what I’d lost and what you’d lost, and there was
n’t anything I could do about it. All the money and all the fame and I’d have given it all away for another hour with her. So, I was a coward and I stayed away, letting Gramps take care of you while he was running the restaurant. Of course you learned to love it while spending time with him there.”
He paced up and down the narrow walkway beside the house. “Then you got a little bit older and started taking an interest in football, and I latched onto that. That was how you were like me. I could fix all the football stuff, make you better, make you the best. I fixated on that and told myself your mom would’ve wanted it for you, but it was what I wanted. Despite me, you’ve turned into the kind of man your mom would’ve been proud of.”
Tears pooled in my eyes, and his blurry figure wavered in front of me.
“She’d have kicked my ass and been so proud of you for not letting me force you into a life you don’t want.” He pulled me close, wrapping his arms around me in a hug that belied his age and how much his body had been through. He buried his face in my neck as his shoulders shook.
We stood there with tears mending some of the cracks of a relationship I’d thought irreparable. He patted me on the back and broke his hold on me, wiping his nose. “I’m a freaking mess.”
“Did you want to come and have some burgers?” I pointed my thumb toward the backyard, lifting my shirt to wipe my face.
“You’ve only got a few days left with these guys. Enjoy it. I’ll see you at the restaurant.”
My head jerked back. “The restaurant?”
“Yeah, Gramps’ll need some help, and you can’t do it all on your own.”
“You cook?”
“You’re not the only one who grew up there.” The corner of his mouth lifted and he pulled me in for another hug. “I’ll see you soon.”
He waved and disappeared around the front of the house.
I stood in a daze, still not believing it had actually happened. Walking back into the yard, I caught Elle’s gaze.
“You okay?” she mouthed.
Her worry shouldn’t have sent a thrill through my body, her expression telling me she’d always be there and would always have my back. “I’ll tell you later,” I mouthed back before grabbing a beer.