Tainted Forever

by Terri Anne Browning

  Derrick cleared his throat. “Tell me about your dad and his soon-to-be ex-wife,” he said, changing the subject.

  “I can’t really help you with that,” I told him.

  “Can’t or won’t?”

  “Can’t,” I affirmed, and for some reason, I was sorry I couldn’t help him. “I didn’t grow up with Scott. After he broke up with my mom, we moved to Virginia, and he stayed here to continue his career. When she died, I was forced to move in with him and Jillian, but he was always on set in Canada or wherever.”

  “I take it you didn’t get along with your stepmother?”

  “Every Disney movie that portrays the poor little stepdaughter and the big, bad stepmother?” His brows arched. “They didn’t get it completely wrong. Although, Maleficent seems pretty tame compared to Jillian.”

  “That bad, huh?”

  “Jillian is consumed with wanting to be famous. With my mother’s death and my arrival on the West Coast, I was suddenly in the spotlight, and she wanted it on her. She hated me for it and because I wouldn’t use my new friends to make her oldest daughter just as famous.” I grimaced, remembering the time in my life when it felt like I was never going to be free of that house, wishing I had someone in my corner who cared.

  But I did have people who were and did, though, I reminded myself.

  It was just the person I really wanted there hadn’t been.

  Scott.

  Whatever. I was over it; there was no reason to even go down that road again.

  “Do you think she’s going to make trouble for Shannon?” he asked with concern as the attendant pulled up a white Jaguar in front of us and Derrick moved forward to open the passenger door.

  “Honestly?” I asked once we were in the car and he was pulling into traffic. “Probably. Celeb divorces are always publicized as much as possible, and Jillian will be in the spotlight the way she craves. She’s going to milk that for everything it is worth. If that means making it ugly for everyone involved, she won’t care. Any attention, good or bad, is still attention in her eyes.”

  His jaw clenched. “Yeah, I was afraid of that.”

  --

  The drive to my apartment in West Hollywood passed with comfortable conversation. It was easy to talk to Derrick, and as he’d said, he was a really good listener.

  When he pulled into the parking lot outside my apartment, I wasn’t ready to go in, but I still reached for the door handle.

  “You never did vent,” Derrick said, making me pause before I had the door open. “You should do that. Get it all out of your system. It will be good for you, help you move on.”

  “I’ve been venting for four months now,” I told him. “I’ve put it into music and screaming at the mountains while I was away. Amara even let me rage out a few times. If it’s not all out of my system by now, I don’t think it ever will be.”

  “Did you ever stop to wonder why?” he asked quietly.

  “Many, many times. But I already know the answer.” I blew out a pained exhale. “I still love him. I probably always will.”

  “And you two can’t work it out?”

  I closed my eyes, trapping the stupid tears that suddenly stung my eyes. “Have you ever been with someone who put you first?” I choked out.

  “Girlfriend-wise or we talking family?”

  “Either. Both.”

  “My family has always put each other first, no matter what. We’ve all martyred ourselves for each other plenty of times, actually. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for Shannon and my other sisters. But I’ve never been in a relationship long enough for it to matter if I put her first or she reciprocated.”

  I swallowed hard and forced my eyes to open. “I have people who love me enough to put me first. I would never ask them to give up something important to themselves for me. Never. Yet they would do it without even blinking. I never doubted they cared about me. Not once. But there have been two people in my life who have never put me first. I’m just an afterthought to them. And for some fucking reason, they are the two I need the most.”

  “Scott and Jace?”

  I nodded, unable to speak for the emotion choking me.

  “I’m sorry, sweetheart,” he murmured. His fingers were soft when he rubbed his thumb over my cheek. “I wish I could change that for you.”

  For a second—only for a second—I leaned into his touch, believing he would if he could. But just as quickly, I moved back and opened the door. “Thanks for the ride…and listening,” I said when I was standing. Leaning down to look at him, I offered him a small smile. “Be safe on your drive home.”

  “Goodnight, Kin.”

  “Night.” Shutting the door, I waved and stepped back.

  I turned and went into the apartment building, and this time, I didn’t look back.

  Chapter 13

  Kin

  I woke up the next morning determined to drop all the negativity in my life and start moving forward.

  I climbed out of bed, threw on a pair of running shorts, sports bra, and a tank top, and went for a long run. I had a million things to get done later in preparation for Lucy’s baby shower the following day, but first, I needed to get my ass in gear and start keeping in shape again. I’d gotten lax while secluded in the mountains of Tennessee. Shane would have given me so much shit if he knew I hadn’t been running regularly.

  After a five-mile run that kicked my ass, I went back to the apartment and took a long shower.

  As I walked into the kitchen in search of something to eat, it was to find not one but two shirtless men. I paused, taking in both Cash and Nate as they moved around the kitchen making breakfast and coffee, joking around with each other.

  “Oh hey, Kin,” Nate greeted. “You want coffee?”

  It took me a few seconds to pull my eyes away from the sight of his chiseled chest and abs before I noticed he was lifting the coffeepot in my direction. Realizing I was staring—and drooling—I quickly averted my eyes. “Yeah, coffee would be good, thanks.”

  Grinning, he poured me a cup and handed it over. I carried it to the counter and pulled creamer out of the fridge before looking for the sugar.

  “You hungry?” Cash asked, turning bacon in a skillet. “I can make you eggs while I’m at it.”

  “No thanks,” I told him, trying not to look at his chest as I had Nate’s. Cash’s physique was just as amazing as the bartender’s, but I’d known Cash longer than anyone else in this apartment. He’d been Caleb’s best friend long before I even grew boobs. I couldn’t drool over him and not feel dirty about it. “I’m just going to eat a bagel.”

  Replacing the creamer, I snatched the cream cheese spread and popped a bagel into the toaster. While I waited for it, I kept my eyes on my cup of coffee.

  “Heard about what happened with Jace last night,” Cash said as he plated the bacon and started scrambling eggs. “Want me to rearrange his face?”

  My thumb brushed over the sore skin on my wrist, but I shook my head. “Don’t mess with your bandbrother, Cash. I don’t want to cause issues. I just want to forget about it.”

  “He shouldn’t have put his hands on you,” he said between clenched teeth.

  “He didn’t realize what he was doing. Jace was upset. He didn’t mean to hurt me.”

  “Why are you defending him?” Nate demanded, his eyes going to my wrist where faint bruises had formed.

  “Because Jace isn’t like that. He would never touch me with violence, and he didn’t last night. He was just freaking out, and he didn’t understand he was holding me so tight.” I pushed my hair back from my face, frustrated they were turning on Jace.

  Was I pissed at him? Yes, there was no doubt about that. But I didn’t want people villainizing him. He’d broken my heart—repeatedly—but he wasn’t a bad guy. If anything, I was hoping we could at least find some middle ground and be friends, if for no other reason than our shared responsibility of having a goddaughter.


  My bagel popped up, and I dropped it onto a saucer, turning my back to the two guys as I smeared cream cheese over it.

  “You’re right,” Nate said after another tense few moments passed. “Jace would never hurt you. I know that. I just don’t like seeing you with bruises, Kin.”

  “I’m not fragile,” I told him with a small smile, trying to lighten the mood. Lifting one half of the bagel, I bit into it.

  “I’m actually surprised you left him standing, from what Amara told me,” Cash said as he plated the rest of the food and handed a dish over to Nate. “I know you’re not fragile, honey, but don’t let him touch you like that again, or he’s going to end up with a few bruises of his own.”

  As he passed, he dropped a kiss on my forehead and carried his loaded plate back toward the bedrooms. It was so much like Caleb would have done that it made my eyes sting.

  “That goes double for me, sweetheart,” Nate told me with a wink as he followed after the rocker.

  I stood there, waiting until both Riley’s and Amara’s bedroom doors shut before I tossed my bagel in the trash and downed the rest of my coffee. I was no longer hungry, and what little I had already eaten felt like a stone sinking to the bottom of my gut.

  Sighing, I grabbed my keys and purse and went out the door.

  First stop on my list was a maternity and baby boutique downtown. I’d reserved a present for Lucy weeks before, once everything on her baby registry was finalized. I paid extra for them to wrap it for me, and I just needed to pick it up.

  Walking into the popular little store, I wasn’t surprised to see the many women in various stages of pregnancy out shopping. This place had some pretty cute clothes for pregnant women and their expected bundles of joy, all of which was one of a kind that couldn’t be found in big chain department stores around the country. Everything from nursing bras to cloth diapers and monogrammed pacifiers.

  Lucy and I had found this place after her first doctor’s appointment just a few weeks after her wedding. Ever since, she’d been coming back at least once a month. She restricted herself to only buying the small things like onesies and gender-neutral blankets and clothes, knowing her family and friends would want to buy her all the major things. Especially her dad.

  She and Harris had already picked out the crib, which they’d put up the month before and she’d sent me pictures of while I was still in Tennessee. Once they knew they were expecting a girl, they went from buying everything in yellow and white headfirst into everything pink and purple and glittery.

  As I approached the sales counter, I noticed the guy standing there talking to one of the managers I remembered from previous shopping trips with my best friend.

  Jace.

  My heart rate picked up as I contemplated coming back later to pick up my present for Lucy. But even as the thought was forming, I clenched my jaw and squared my shoulders. No. I couldn’t be a coward and just keep avoiding him. Not if we were going to try to be friends.

  We weren’t together anymore, but our best friends were married to each other. We were going to be Hayat’s godparents. I needed to get used to being around him because we were still going to be connected through Lucy’s precious baby girl.

  As I drew closer, he seemed to sense me behind him and turned his head. When his eyes landed on me, I saw the heat that instantly filled his eyes along with the relief. His gaze skimmed over me from head to toe, and his throat bobbed as he completely turned to face me.

  Diverting my gaze, I was welcomed with a smile from the manager who was tending to Jace. “I’ll be right with you, miss.”

  “She’s with me,” Jace informed the woman without looking away from me. “Thank fuck you’re here, baby. I’m trying to get Lucy something for tomorrow, and I don’t understand what any of this shit is on her registry. Harris said just pick something but…” He blew out a frustrated breath. “Will you please help me?”

  He looked so adorably helpless, I couldn’t tell him no. Unfortunately, that was something I’d never really been able to do in the past either. Sighing, I moved up beside him at the counter. “What’s left on the list?” I asked the woman behind the counter.

  “I was just telling Mr. St. Charles there are still several items that any first-time mother would be happy to have,” she said with a smile. Typing something into her computer, she turned the screen to show us what items hadn’t been purchased yet.

  By several, the woman was overstating the small list dramatically. Of the hundred or so items Lucy had picked, there were only three items left, and all of them would make the badass rocker beside me blush at giving them to his best friend’s wife.

  Biting back a laugh, I shook my head. “I think we’re going to go off-script for his gift,” I told the woman. “Excuse us while I help him shop.”

  She beamed at me. “Take your time. We do have a sale going on right now on pamper goodie bags for mommies-to-be. That includes everything mom needs during and after baby’s birth.”

  “Thanks, we’ll keep that in mind,” I told her with a giggle as I pushed Jace toward the back of the store.

  “Would it have been bad if I’d actually picked something off the list?”

  “Remember that time you walked in on Harris and Lucy having sex in his office at First Bass and you couldn’t look her in the eye for a month?” He groaned but nodded. “Well, I’m pretty sure that would have happened again.”

  “Gotcha.” He glanced around at all the baby stuff, his shoulders drooping in defeat. “So what do I get her instead? One of those mommy pamper things she was talking about?”

  “You want to give Lucy breast pads, nipple butter, hemorrhoid wipes, and feminine pads?” I asked, tilting my head to the side as I stared at him in amusement.

  His face turned beet red. “What?” he whisper-shouted. “Oh, motherfuck, I need a drink.”

  “It’s not even noon.”

  “Doesn’t matter. I need alcohol for this shit.”

  Laughing out loud at him, I pushed him toward the girl section. “Relax. I’m going to help you out. I’ve seen every outfit Lucy has already purchased for Hayat, as well as what the grandmothers have gotten. You can buy our goddaughter a few dresses, a stuffed animal, and like a truckload of diapers, and Lucy will love you forever.”

  Seeing a particularly pretty little dress that I instantly fell in love with, I grabbed it in two different sizes and handed them to Jace.

  “That’s the same dress,” he stated the obvious.

  “Yeah, but it’s so pretty, and Hayat won’t be able to wear the smaller size for long. This way, Lucy will have another one to dress her in when she outgrows it.”

  “Oh. Yeah, good thinking.” For the next few minutes, I thrust several more outfits at him, then made him pick out a stuffed animal on his own. “The nursery is decorated in pink with purple trim, but they went with a zoo theme with all kinds of adorable little animals, so you won’t go wrong with any of these.”

  He picked up a gray elephant. “This is cute.”

  I lifted the one beside it, noting how soft it was. I rubbed it against my face. “Very nice. Get it if you want,” I told him.

  Adding that to the basket another saleswoman had offered earlier when she passed and saw how full Jace’s arms were, I led the way toward the diapers. “Lucy said she preferred this brand, but her mom said she would need more size one diapers at first than the newborn ones, especially if this baby takes after her daddy.”

  He handed me the basket and grabbed three large boxes of the size ones. “What else?”

  “This should be plenty,” I assured him.

  Silently, we carried his items back to the sales counter. I stood with him while the manager scanned everything, waiting for her to get done with him so I could let her know I needed to pick up my present.

  “Do I wrap these up? Put them in a gift bag?” He frowned at the large bag the woman was placing the folded clothes into. “You usually do all that shit for Ch
ristmas and birthdays, so I don’t really know what to do with this stuff.”

  “I can wrap everything in tissue paper and place them in a gift bag for an extra charge, sir,” the woman assured him.

  “Oh. Uh, yeah. Thanks.”

  “Teddy bears or blocks?”

  He looked at her like she was talking gibberish. “What?”

  “The bag, sir. Would you prefer teddy bears or blocks? We have the blocks in both pink and blue, but from all these dresses, I would suggest pink if you go with that.”

  “Kin?” he asked, uncertainty in his voice and mirrored on his face.

  “It’s a gift bag, Jace,” I told him with a snort. “Either will be fine.”

  He sighed and nodded. “Teddy bears, then, I guess.”

  The woman smiled kindly. “Perfect choice, sir.”

  Jace paid for everything, and the woman started to take the items into the back to put into the gift bag for him. I stopped her as she turned to go. “I’m picking up a present, actually. Kin Montez.”

  “Right. I’ll have someone bring it out for you,” the manager assured me.

  Jace leaned back against the counter as the woman left us. “What did you get her?”

  “It’s a dream glider. A bassinet type of swing that Hayat can be rocked to sleep in. It was at the top of Lucy’s list, and I snatched it up before any of the grandparents could.” I laughed, remembering the text I’d gotten from Jesse Thornton for getting the dream glider before he could, and then the email from Devlin Cutter.

  Hayat didn’t know how lucky she already was with how much her grandfathers were going to spoil her.

  Jace’s hand caught mine, his fingers interlocking with my own. I went still in surprise, fighting my body’s instant reaction to his touch. Helping him, even laughing with him over the last half hour, had been nice. It was easy to fall back into old habits with him, but with his skin caressing mine, it was difficult to separate friendship from relationship. “Thank you for helping me.”

  I tried to tug my hand free, but his other hand had caught my wrist, his fingers gentle as he lifted it and examined my bruises.