A Walk in Wildflower Park

by Bella Osborne

  ‘Hi, Rosie. How are you?’

  ‘Never better,’ said Rosie, patting Bert’s arm as she took the chair next to him. ‘I’ve been for a stroll around the gardens. The roses are stunning. It’s beautiful outside and we don’t know how many more sunny days we’ll have. You should join me out there sometimes.’ Rosie directed her words at Bert.

  ‘Not a lot of point if you can’t see,’ said Bert, failing to hide the grumble in his voice.

  Anna wiped a tear from her eye and for the first time was thankful he couldn’t see her. He would not want her pity. She couldn’t imagine how hard it must be to lose your sight and your independence. ‘Do the roses smell nice?’ she asked Rosie.

  ‘They smell delightful and so do the freesias and lavender.’

  ‘Might be worth checking them out, Bert,’ said Anna.

  ‘I’ll think about it,’ said Bert and he thrummed his fingers on the arm of the chair.

  ‘Thank you,’ mouthed Rosie to Anna.

  Sophie had her head in a cupboard and her backside wriggled as she spoke. ‘Dave’s taken the kids to the cinema.’

  ‘Well done, Dave.’

  ‘Yeah. He can have a nap there and I can have a sort-out. I’m clearing out all the sweets before Halloween when they’ll get another truckload of sugar. Dentists the world over must clap their hands on Halloween. They’ll never go out of business.’

  ‘You need a hand?’ asked Anna, from her spot at the kitchen table. It was nice to see Sophie more relaxed. The new routines they’d put in place for themselves and the children seemed to be helping.

  ‘Actually, yes. Could you sort through Arlo’s toy cupboard and pull out anything you think is too young for him?’

  ‘He’s six. Nothing’s too young for him.’

  Sophie sat back on her haunches, making her belly appear more pronounced. ‘I’ve got three weeks to go and after number three shows up we’ll be on the countdown to Christmas when another load of toys will arrive and we’ve got no space now.’ Her face was pleading.

  Anna didn’t need to be asked twice. ‘Okay, I’m on it,’ she said, getting to her feet.

  After about twenty minutes she could see what Sophie meant. Pretty much everything he’d ever been given was shoved in the cupboard. Anna found the same things but in newer slightly more advanced versions like one wooden train set and then a more conventional one, a chunky pirate ship and then a sleeker version. She pulled out a pair of Disney headphones and went to find Sophie.

  ‘Does Arlo still need these?’

  Sophie rubbed her hand across her sweating forehead. ‘No, he got some Bluetooth ones for his birthday.’

  ‘Can I have them?’

  Sophie gave a quizzical look. ‘Really? Are you into Mickey Mouse?’

  ‘No, but I’ve had an idea.’

  ‘Sure, knock yourself out. There’s a whole load of Duplo that needs a home too if you’re interested.’

  ‘No, you’re okay. I think you need a break. You’re looking tired out.’

  Sophie looked like she was going to protest and then her expression changed and she hauled herself up onto a chair. ‘You’re right, I am.’

  ‘I’ll get you a drink then I’ll finish off here while you tell me how wonderful your new improved husband is and try not to make me feel like a stale husk of a spinster while you’re at it.’

  ‘It’ll be hard, but I’ll try. Can you put some stuff in the loft for me too, please?’

  ‘Sure.’

  It didn’t take Anna long to get rid of the small sweet mountain and tidy the cupboard. A big box of old toys, all wiped down with wet wipes, was in the hall waiting for Dave to take to the charity shop alongside the box of things for the loft. Anna took it upstairs and pulled down the loft ladder. She took a lungful of air and started climbing. I’m fine. I’m fine, she recited in her head. It was just a ladder; it was the same as the stairs. She was pleased to make it to the top with only a slight quickening of her pulse. She found a place for the box and was about to come down when she noticed a tiny Velux window.

  Anna was feeling brave. She knew she was quite safe. A quick look out of the window couldn’t do her any harm. She strode over to the window and looked out. Her stomach flipped. She steadied her breathing. She could do this. She opened the window a fraction and leaned out. She could hear the buzz of the mowers doing their annual cut of the park wildflowers. She looked about and a pressure descended on her and her head started to swim. ‘I’m fine,’ she said out loud. ‘It’s safe.’ She glanced down out of the window and fear seized her insides. She gripped the edge of the window and closed her eyes. This was not good. Nausea swilled around her stomach. Images flashed through her mind. They were all in her imagination but she couldn’t escape them all the same.

  ‘You all right?’ Sophie called up through the hatch.

  Anna swallowed down the bitter taste in her mouth. ‘I’m fine. I’ll be down in a minute.’ She opened her eyes, took one last look and knew there was no way she was getting on an aeroplane.

  She took a few minutes to calm herself down before shutting the window and going back downstairs. Anna found Sophie settled in the living room reading a magazine. She glanced up as Anna came in. ‘There’s an article here about what to do with leftover cake. What kind of sick world do we live in where people have leftover cake?’ Sophie shook her head and then took a fresh look at Anna. ‘You’re pale. Are you okay?’

  Anna sat down but it was hard to keep her mind off the decision that had been made for her upstairs.

  ‘What do you mean you don’t want to go to New York?’ Hudson was looking exasperated. ‘We agreed we’d both go, and I’ve pitched our plan to Roberta.’ They were standing in the tiniest of meeting rooms, the only one available. It was like being in a cupboard.

  Anna rolled her lips together. ‘I can’t do it. I know I can’t get on an aeroplane because I can’t spend ten hours not looking out of the window.’

  ‘It’s eight hours and you can wear an eye mask.’

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous.’

  ‘You’re the one being ridiculous. You have to face your fears.’

  ‘What, because you’re telling me to?’ Anna had to forcibly stop her hands going to her hips.

  ‘No, because if you don’t, you’ll always regret it.’

  His statement and sincerity took the wind out of her sails. ‘I’m sorry, Hudson. I really can’t. But you should go.’ Her voice turned croaky and she cleared her throat. Being in a confined space with the scent of him commanding the small room was not helping.

  ‘Roberta is going to think I’ve totally lost the plot. She’ll probably not give me any job after this.’

  ‘Don’t be petulant. I’ll speak to her and explain. This is my problem, not yours,’ said Anna.

  ‘You know, there’s still time to have therapy. It might help.’

  Anna shook her head. ‘I’m not American …’

  ‘I wasn’t aware the British way was to chicken out.’

  Anna was tired of fighting. ‘That’s my decision. I’ll tell Roberta. I’m sorry,’ she said, giving him an apologetic look before she left the room.

  They spent the rest of the day avoiding each other until the last meeting of the day had them sitting side by side. Anna had ended up emailing Roberta because she was impossible to tie down for a conversation. The tracker she’d put on it told her it had been read – hopefully that would be the end of it. Roberta was late and came bustling in grinning like the cat who got the gold top. ‘Board have just approved our plans and released funds for the next stage of the project.’ There were murmurs of positivity in the room. Roberta turned to Hudson. ‘We have dates for New York. Last week of November. Report due by Christmas.’

  ‘Yes, boss,’ said Hudson. She gave an over-exaggerated eye roll showing she secretly loved it. She turned to Anna. ‘Can you prepare a board pack to brief them on the details of your exploration trip?’

  ‘Of course.’ She looked to Hudson to check h
e didn’t have an issue with her doing that for what was now his trip and his job going forward.

  ‘Excellent. Priya, can you get details from Hudson and Anna and book their flights.’

  ‘Err, sorry,’ said Anna, feeling all eyes focus on her. ‘I sent you an email, Roberta. Did you get a chance—’

  ‘Yes. I read your suggestion, Anna. It doesn’t matter who you are, where you come from. The ability to triumph begins with you. Always. Oprah Winfrey said that. This is your opportunity to triumph and I want you to seize it,’ said Roberta, looking off into the distance as if she was addressing a feminist rally.

  ‘Err, sorry,’ said Anna, giving a little wave to get Roberta’s attention back. ‘I can’t go for … medical reasons.’

  Roberta straightened her back. ‘Are you refusing to travel?’

  Anna swallowed. ‘Well, no. It’s just that—’

  ‘Good. Because I think you’ll find it’s in your job description.’ Roberta turned away. ‘I want a financial projection for the rest of the project based on Liam’s forecast but factoring in any scope changes I’ve authorised.’

  Anna looked at Hudson. He gave a toothy smile and started to mime being on a plane, accepting a drink from an air steward and reclining. It was all his bloody fault. If only he hadn’t put her forward for New York in the first place. She glared at him and he pretended to put on headphones and an eye mask. How was she meant to get out of it now and still keep her job?

  Anna was trying to fit in more trips to see Bert but it was difficult. She came rushing into the nursing home and almost sent someone flying. Thank goodness she had a lid on the coffee cups. She dashed through the lounge and found Bert asleep.

  ‘Hi, Bert. It’s Ameri …’ She was definitely off anything American. ‘It’s coffee time, Bert.’

  He came to with a start but smiled at the sound of her voice. She placed the cup carefully into his outstretched hands. ‘Careful, it’s extra hot today.’

  ‘Okay,’ he said, shuffling upright. ‘What news have you got for me?’

  ‘Bert, I’m really sorry. I can’t stop long. I’m out for dinner with Connor later.’

  ‘Oh.’

  Anna wasn’t sure how he managed to convey so much disappointment in such a small word but he did. ‘I’m really sorry, Bert. I’ve got twenty minutes. Then I need to dash. Okay?’

  ‘Yes. It’s fine. I do understand, you know. I was young and had a purpose once too,’ he said.

  ‘What’s up, Bert?’ asked Anna.

  He leaned forward and in a voice she suspected was meant to be a whisper he said, ‘I don’t like old people.’

  She didn’t like to point out the obvious. ‘It happens to us all, Bert, and it sure beats the alternative.’

  Bert seemed to ponder this. ‘All they do is moan about their aches and pains.’ He paused. ‘And moan about other people moaning about their aches and pains.’ He gave a wry smile.

  ‘They don’t all moan,’ said Anna. ‘I mean, don’t tell anyone, but you’re all right.’

  ‘I have my moments.’

  ‘I know. And Rosie seems nice.’

  A flicker crossed his lips. ‘She’s the best of the bunch.’ They sipped their drinks for a moment. ‘Anna, is Rosie in here?’

  ‘Nope,’ said Anna, checking the other chairs. There weren’t many in the lounge today.

  ‘Super. Do you think you could describe what Rosie looks like? I want to try and picture her.’

  Anna pulled in a breath. She hadn’t been expecting that to touch her as it did. She blinked to stop the tears. ‘Of course.’ She cleared her throat. ‘She’s about my height, which is five foot one. She’s got thick white hair with a darker layer of grey underneath and it’s cut short but stylish. I can’t remember what colour her eyes are but she smiles a lot and has a heart-shaped face. There’s a touch of Felicity Kendal about her. Is that okay?’

  Bert was nodding. ‘Thank you.’

  ‘Right, are you sitting comfortably because Hudson has got me into a right flaming fix …’ Anna recounted the job situation and Bert nodded and made the right noises in the right places until she got to the end of the story. ‘What do I do?’ Bert sipped his coffee but said nothing. ‘Bert,’ she prompted. ‘What do I do?’

  ‘Oh, sorry I thought it was a rhetorical question. I don’t know. You’re in a real pickle.’

  Anna slumped back in her chair. ‘Thanks, Bert, really helpful.’ They sat and sipped their coffees in silence for a minute. ‘What would you do?’

  ‘Hmm. You see I don’t have any phobias, which makes it hard for me to understand. That being said, Hayling Island is the furthest I’ve ever been. I would have loved to have travelled. Barbara and I liked to watch the travel programmes years ago. All those exotic places. We never had the money though. There was always something else we needed it for rather than fancy holidays. But now I wish we’d gone. Because now I couldn’t see them even if you teleported me there.’

  Bert’s regrets weren’t helping. ‘Teleporting, now there’s an idea,’ said Anna.

  ‘Do you really want my advice?’ asked Bert, his tone dour.

  ‘Yes,’ said Anna. She was very fond of Bert. He was a lot like her old grandad only not quite as blunt and didn’t smell of Old Spice aftershave.

  ‘Find a way to overcome this. The longer you leave it the harder it will become. You have your life ahead of you and who knows how different it could be if you could get on an aeroplane?’

  Anna blinked. She was breathing faster just at the thought of what he was saying. It all made sense but unless she was unconscious she couldn’t see how she was going to make it through the flight.

  ‘Now, have you got time to read me the newspaper sports pages?’ he asked, clasping his hands together in front of him, as if almost in prayer.

  ‘Sorry, Bert, I have to dash but I might have something better.’ Bert’s expression said he didn’t believe her. She placed something in his hands. ‘This is my iPod. I don’t use it any more because my phone does everything but I think it might be useful to you …’

  Anna went on to explain about podcasts, talking newspapers and audio books. She showed him how to hold down the main button and use his voice to instruct the iPod to go to the app he wanted. Bert was a little startled when the iPod spoke back to him but seemed to find it funny and tried to have a conversation with the disembodied voice.

  Anna set Bert up with an audio book she thought he’d enjoy and said her goodbyes before helping him put on the headphones. He gave her a thumbs up, which was her cue to leave. She got to the door and she waited for a bit and watched as Bert sat nodding away. Occasionally he laughed out loud but the whole time he had a huge grin on his face. The old ladies nearby were also grinning at the sight of Bert wearing his Mickey Mouse headphones with their large black Mickey ears on the top but it really didn’t matter because Bert was happy.

  Chapter Thirty

  Anna decided to make an effort for dinner with Connor. He’d been very good about being usurped by Hudson over the cat flap fitting and the whole mouse up the trouser leg scenario hadn’t been mentioned at all, which was probably for the best. Connor had chosen a nice pub in Harborne where the building was clearly from a bygone age but the décor was modern and the food was up to date and tasty. She explained that she couldn’t go to New York because of her phobia of heights and immediately wished she hadn’t. Connor seemed to go into psychiatrist mode.

  ‘Where do you think this phobia stems from?’ he said, putting down his cutlery.

  Anna concentrated on her plate. ‘I’ve always had it.’

  ‘I don’t think that’s possible. Phobias are usually triggered by negative experiences. Have a think – there must be something that happened to make you like this.’ She glanced up and he was watching her expectantly. Great.

  ‘I followed a window cleaner up a ladder when I was a toddler. I guess it was that,’ said Anna. Connor was shaking his head. ‘Yes. It was definitely that,’ she added emphatic
ally.

  ‘And yet you live in a block of flats.’

  ‘On the ground floor,’ said Anna, pointing her knife and then realising it was quite rude so she put it back to work in cutting up her chicken.

  ‘How do you cope in a high-rise office?’

  ‘I don’t go near the windows and try not to think about it. How about we do that now?’ She held his gaze.

  Connor blinked. ‘Sure, sorry,’ he said, picking his cutlery back up. ‘It interests me. That’s all.’ They ate in silence for a few moments. ‘You ever thought of going on the roof?’

  Anna dropped her knife in surprise and the resulting clatter had heads spinning in her direction. ‘No,’ she hissed. ‘That would be crazy. Nobody goes on the roof.’

  ‘Aversion therapy is meant to work.’

  ‘My mum calls it kill or cure, and I’m keen to avoid the former. Can we drop the subject, please.’

  ‘Yes, of course. Sorry,’ he said and Anna felt the tension in her shoulders loosen its grip. ‘Was that our first fight?’ he asked.

  ‘I guess.’ Anna’s mouth lifted at one side. ‘And if it was, it was a pretty mild one.’

  ‘Does it mean we’re, you know, seeing each other?’

  There was a question she hadn’t seen coming. Wasn’t it meant to be her who instigated those sorts of conversations? She wasn’t ready for this. She wanted some more time to think it through before she answered, but she’d known Connor for a few months now. She should have expected this conversation to arise eventually. Connor was still watching her intently from across the small table awaiting her answer. It felt like she had been sitting in the basket of an old bicycle and rushed at high speed to a crossroads and now she had to decide where she was going.

  Connor looked away and started eating. She’d left it too long. The excruciating pause had gone on so long he’d returned to his meal and now a hideous cloud of awkwardness hung over them both. Anna hunched her shoulders and hacked at her chicken.

  She couldn’t spend the rest of the evening feeling tense. ‘I like you and this …’ she gestured across the table ‘… works for me. Is that okay?’