All Your Fears

by Peter Hodgson

  The conversation with Kim replayed inside his head for the rest of the day. He dreaded to think how Denise would react if she knew what had been said.

  ***

  Kim walked halfway down the street and slowed her pace. Her blood ran harder and sang in her ears. She paused, her gaze fixed on a young school girl standing alone close to the market entrance. Long, blonde hair covered the back of a navy-blue jacket that matched a blue-and-grey plaid skirt. The socks were knee length. Black. She moved swiftly towards the girl who was facing her. With every step taken, her features became familiar. Her eyes shone blue and inviting. She smiled and nodded at Kim, acknowledging her excitement and sexual arousal. ‘This is my chance,’ Kim muttered. ‘I can’t let her escape.’

  The girl waved, sang the words, ‘Come with me and you will see the faces in my mirror.’ She scampered towards the bustling market. Kim ran after her, occasionally catching a glimpse of her ponytail bouncing on her shoulders. For a moment, she lost sight of her until she reappeared in a different location. The speed at which she moved was fantastic. A look of incredulity flashed across Kim’s features. The girl stood at the entrance to a narrow passage in between two disused buildings. She jumped in the air and waved mockingly. In an instant, she was gone. Kim ran down the passage and entered a storage yard enclosed within walls too high to climb over. The girl was nowhere to be seen. Two heavy handleless wooden doors afforded possible escape routes. Kim shouldered them in turn. Her body bounced off like a rubber ball. Looking around she saw bags of rubbish and rotting planks of wood propped against moss-covered walls. There was no sound or movement.

  A gloomy apprehension settled over her, and an icy chill rose behind her. She spun around a few times and stood as still as death.

  ***

  Merchants pub and restaurant were housed in a complex of old wine cellars. Toby’s bar – one of three in the establishment – had a cavern-like appearance. An alluring ambience was created by its oak panelled walls and arched ceiling, its stones glowing orange in the light from antiquated lamps.

  Stuart and Lauren had enjoyed a delicious meal with their closest friends and joined the rest of the party in Toby’s bar. Birthday girl Lauren was the star attraction. Most of their guests – male and female – admired her curvy figure, enhanced by a slinky bodycon dress Stuart had bought for her. The guests had divided into two separate gender groups. Stuart’s mates downed glasses of Dark Horse and White Witch. The ladies drank conservatively and fiddled with fruit skewers and paper umbrellas.

  Kim was perched on a tall stool. Gill stretched out an arm and gave her a glass of wine. ‘It explodes in the mouth, so I’m told … Try it.’

  She tasted, licked her lips. ‘It’s strong, but I like it.’

  ‘I thought you might.’

  Gill sipped Tia Maria and Coca-Cola. Kim made short work of her drink and ordered another. She drank it slowly and started to relax. Gill dragged her stool closer to Kim. ‘What a great place to come for a meal and drinks … Kim, did you hear what I said?’

  ‘My mind was wandering. Yes, it’s a cosy venue. I bet it’s popular with the locals.’

  ‘How are you feeling? You’ve been subdued these last few evenings.’

  ‘I’m happy enough.’

  ‘Good. It makes for a nice change being here at your neighbours’ birthday celebration.’

  Kim gulped the rest of her wine and said, ‘It does. I’ll buy the next round.’ She made her way to the bar. Did one of Stuart’s mates really wink at her? She made a coy smile and pretended she hadn’t noticed.

  Toby’s bar buzzed with partygoers young and old. The volume of conversation rose above the lively music. The air filled with a mixture of aftershaves and perfumes that generated an indefinable fragrance. Kim was entertained by the barman’s astounding juggling technique. He poured sparkling wine and gave her a couple of fruity alcoholic shots, free of charge. She necked them and gestured him to turn the music up. He obliged. ‘Down Under,’ by Men at Work, shook the speakers. Kim turned around slowly, careful not to spill the drinks. A man standing with his back to her looked familiar. His ponytail hung below a cowboy-style hat complemented by a brown suede fringe jacket. Kim felt a rush of pleasure and relief. She gave the drinks to Gill and tugged his sleeve. ‘You got my text, then,’ she said, voice raised. ‘I’m so happy to see you. I didn’t think it was a fancy dress party. Do I call you, “Buffalo Bill?”’

  ‘I prefer, “Wyatt Earp.”’

  ‘Gill, this is Jay Yeldon.’

  ‘Hello there,’ she said. ‘We met briefly at Kim’s after I’d given her some bad news. Smarty had been stolen. Happy days for Kim now he’s back. How are you doing?’

  ‘I’m good, thanks. I’ve just arrived. I was looking for Lauren to buy her a birthday drink.’

  ‘She’s standing near the dance floor,’ Kim said. ‘You can’t miss her. She’s wearing a tight, white dress.’

  ‘And what can I buy you two?’

  ‘Kim bought a round before you came in,’ Gill said.

  ‘Okay. I’ll slide some whisky across the bar when you’re ready.’

  Jay snaked his way through the crowd and introduced himself to Stuart and Lauren.

  ‘Ruggedly handsome,’ Gill remarked. ‘He stands out in a crowd.’

  ‘You might think he’s a bit odd, but he’s down to earth. What you see is what you get.’

  ‘Do you see much of him?’

  ‘We haven’t known each other for long.’

  ‘He’s had an effect on you, for sure. Your cheeks are flushed with excitement … Oh, come and dance with me, Kim. They’re playing one of my favourite records.’

  They stepped onto an empty dance floor. Some of the men turned and watched their wives and girlfriends join in the fun. Gill waved her hands above her head in unison to the beat of ‘Love Train.’ Jay caught a glimpse of Kim gyrating her hips. Her sensual appearance aroused his masculine desire.

  ***

  Kim stumbled into the bedroom and giggled at her alcohol-fuelled clumsiness. ‘Fuckin’ hell. I’ve had a bit too much to drink and I can’t think straight. The room’s spinning. It’s your fault. I hope you’re not going to sleep downstairs, Wyatt.’

  ‘I’ve no intention of sleeping alone. Get into your bed.’

  Kim took off her clothes and dropped them onto the floor. She slid under the duvet whilst Jay undressed. Once beside her, she rested her head on his chest. Her hand skimmed over his torso. She played with his manhood.

  ‘I don’t think the little chap can rise to the occasion,’ he said. ‘I shouldn’t have mixed my drinks.’

  ‘It can wait. You can give me one in the morning. And your little chap isn’t so little either.’

  They drifted into sleep, and a ringtone rudely shattered their serenity.

  ‘Kim, wake up … Kim, your mobile’s ringing.’

  She groaned, reached into her bag, fumbled for the phone. ‘Somebody has done this to annoy me. Who the fuck …? Hello … Who is …?’ She sat bolt upright. ‘This isn’t happening. I don’t believe …’

  The phone fell from her hand. Jay, alarmed by the tension in her voice, propped himself up on one elbow. ‘What’s wrong, Kim? Who was it?’

  ‘You know who.’

  ‘How can I possibly know? Tell me.’

  ‘It was my mother.’

  Chapter Thirteen

  Diary entries – September, 2012

  3 Monday. Sitting and waiting again for him to come home. Who is he with tonight? (I bet it’s fat slag Natalie.) Hardly any friends left. Can’t use the phone unless he’s with me. Bastard. Dreading work tomorrow. Black eye for all to see. Third one since we’ve been in this hovel. I was his precious princess. Now I’m a lapdog, his bitch, his whore. I’m scared now. What will he do next?

  13 Thursday. Old Carter from the upper flat complained about the noise last night. Said he would call the police if the loud music and rows don’t stop. Not a chance. The rows will never stop. Need money for cup
s and plates to replace the ones he’s smashed. Went out with Jenny on her birthday. Bought her some expensive perfume. Returned to the flat late. His temper exploded. Feeling depressed. Losing weight.

  21 Friday. Went to a nightclub. Saw him chatting up the tart again. Accused ME of being jealous. Dragged me into the bathroom and pushed my head down the toilet. Tells his friends I’m his obedient bitch. Buys me chocs and wine sometimes. How can I hate him so much and love him at the same time? I feel empty. A broken woman. Dead inside. Trapped.

  ***

  Jay settled in his comfy chair, lit a slim cigar and savoured the taste. The cigar was his treat after spending three hours poring over essays, correcting spelling mistakes and entering comments where appropriate. He reflected on Saturday night at Merchants and how attractive Kim looked. An otherwise splendid evening had been marred by the late call to her phone. There had to be an explanation for the unsettling events that had taken place over a relatively short period. Something strange was happening. He wanted to know who had phoned her and why. He rubbed his chin and considered the probability someone was trying to unsettle her. A crucial question formed on his lips: What had Kim done to warrant such planned revenge?

  He rested his cigar in the ashtray, reached for pen and paper. He used a memory trick to convert three words he had formulated to generate the telephone number saved to Kim’s phone. He scribbled down the numbers, double-checked the conversion and made the call.

  A female voice answered. ‘Hello. Who is it?’

  ‘Who am I speaking to, please?’ he asked in a polite manner.

  ‘I asked you the same question.’

  ‘You might be able to help me … Hello … Are you there?’

  The recipient hung up. Jay pulled a face, disappointed with himself for not coming up with a better opening line. He phoned Kim.

  ‘That you, Jay?’

  ‘Yes. How are you?’

  ‘A bit weary. Otherwise, not so bad. I’m so happy to hear from you. I’m at Lauren’s. She’s just gone up to the shop for some coffee.’

  ‘I see. I wanted to come round and have a talk with you about Saturday night.’

  ‘Now is fine. Fire away.’

  ‘The call you received, apparently from your mother. What did the caller say?’

  ‘I don’t remember.’

  ‘Who could it have been?’

  ‘I’ve no idea. It was a prank.’

  ‘I don’t think so. You said the car incident was a prank. Too coincidental. You took the call seriously.’

  ‘I’d had too much to drink. I’m glad I did because it took away all my tension and sadness. The call was some pillock messing around, pretending to be her.’

  ‘Very well. So be it.’

  ‘Are you going to see me this week, or am I still in the bad books?’

  He was surprised at the sudden change of subject. ‘I’m not annoyed with you. Why should I be? It would be a pleasure to take you out for a meal. Wednesday or Thursday evening?’

  ‘I’m seeing Gill tomorrow. Thursday evening would be fine. I can’t wait to see you.’

  ‘Thursday, it is. Bye for now.’

  He walked over to his writing desk, admired the trees opposite, silhouetted in the fading light. The end of another day – a day that held on to a deepening mystery.

  ***

  Gill licked her lips and said, ‘This lemon Victoria sponge is delicious.’

  ‘Moreish,’ Kim agreed.

  They were sitting opposite each other outside the Atrium café in the shade of the castle ruins. Gill turned her face towards the museum. ‘Have you ever been in there, Kim?’

  ‘The museum? No. It wouldn’t interest me at all.’

  ‘Me neither. I never cared much for castles and historic houses. History was my worst subject at school. I can remember a few dates when wars started, but nothing else. Boring stuff.’

  ‘Don’t let Jay hear you say that. He teaches history at Eaton High. Or is it Eaton Victoria? Whatever.’

  Gill caught the attention of the waitress, ordered two lattes and said, ‘Exactly how long have you been together?’

  ‘A couple of months. He’s a considerate man. He helped me look for Smarty.’

  ‘I know. Smarty turned up in the end, thanks to Karen who spotted him.’

  ‘And you too for taking him to the vets … We had a great night out last Thursday. He took me for a meal and I didn’t have to pay for anything.’

  ‘Lucky you. So, how did you meet him?’

  ‘Are you sure you don’t fancy him yourself?’

  ‘No, of course not. He’s not my type.’

  ‘He came to my rescue. I was walking Smarty one evening along Parson Lane. I had a bad experience that shook me up. I’m still troubled by it.’

  ‘If the memory is unpleasant you don’t have to tell me; it’s no problem.’

  Kim’s stare went straight through Gill. She was quiet for a moment, then decided to tell her what had occurred over the previous months. Gill leaned forward and listened intently, elbows resting on the table. Kim spoke in a monotone voice. Her face hardened as she revisited her real life nightmares.

  Gill straightened herself, thanked the waitress for bringing the lattes and said, ‘Strange. I’m at a loss to explain it. You should have told me all this. I might have been able to help you or at least offer some support. Do you think you could have dreamed some of it? Sometimes we confuse dreams with reality.’

  ‘I know if I’ve been dreaming. The car I saw on Parson Lane wasn’t a dream, neither was losing Smarty. But the school girl I saw …’

  ‘You chased her in the market. She ran into a yard and hid from you.’

  ‘She wasn’t hiding.’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Positive. I can only think of one explanation for her disappearance.’

  ‘What is it?’

  ‘She was a ghost – had to be. You should have seen the way she slipped in and out of the crowd. Her speed was freakish.’

  ‘Look Kim, it couldn’t have been a ghost – and in broad daylight? Ghosts belong to stories and films. Have you watched a film recently that disturbed you?’

  ‘I don’t watch scary films any more. My sister made me watch DVDs when I was young. Old horror and slasher films.’

  ‘Let me tell you what I think happened. She mistook you for someone who knows her, maybe one of the teachers from her school, or a relative. She shouldn’t be out on her own and panics because she doesn’t want to be scolded by you. You chase her into the market. She is challenging you. You become angry and confused because you can’t work out where she’s run to. You think she’s gone down the passage. She hasn’t.’

  ‘I’m sure she did.’

  ‘She hid behind a passing tradesman or workman, and walked along with him to block your view.’

  ‘I suppose she could have dodged me … I’m sure I’ve seen her face before.’

  ‘She probably looks like a young girl you once knew.’

  Kim considered her theory. ‘I’m starting to doubt myself. Your explanation does seem to make sense.’

  ‘Have you spoken to Jay about your experiences?’

  ‘Some of them, yes.’

  ‘And what’s his opinion?’

  Kim shrugged. ‘He doesn’t have an explanation. Anyway, I don’t want to burden him with my problems. He might think I’m crazy and finish the relationship.’

  ‘It’s possible, I suppose. You haven’t been together for a long time.’

  ‘I’ve no reason to doubt his intentions. I mean, he’s a teacher. They have responsibilities. They live by strict rules.’

  ‘Be careful. Don’t rush into anything too fast.’

  ‘I’m not rushing at all. We’re happy enough in each other’s company. I’m not attached to anyone and he’s free and single.’

  ‘Do you see him every day?’

  ‘No. We both have our jobs to attend to, and I prefer to be on my own or spend time with you.’

&n
bsp; ‘Do you see much of Lauren?’

  ‘Every now and then. She’s married, as you know. You met her husband at Merchants, the night she had her birthday party.’

  ‘Yes, they’re a well-matched couple. Lucky Lauren.’

  ‘They are … What brings you to Eaton Cross?’

  ‘I’ve had my problems too. I’m trying to reinvent myself, start over again. I’m from Leeds, originally. My husband was involved with the wrong kind and I became a part of it. He was a domineering, possessive man. Wherever I went, he came after me. I had nobody to turn to. No family or friends. I lived in a world of misery with no light at the end of the tunnel. My life was a mess. I lived in fear and had to escape.’

  ‘I know what it is to live in fear.’

  ‘You’ve been there too?’

  Kim’s eyes answered in the affirmative.

  ***

  The pleasant afternoon didn’t end when she arrived at Redburn Close. Lauren invited her in for a coffee. They talked about the night at Merchants. Lauren showed her the new earrings, perfume and shoes she had been given. The atmosphere was relaxed and the conversation convivial, with no hint at her indecent behaviour in the garden. Kim left her friend on a happy note and was heartened by the magic of the day.

  Back home, she took a shower and sat down to a meal consisting of microwaved sausage, mash and peas. When she had finished eating, Smarty followed her into the kitchen and was allowed to lick the plate. She washed dishes and cutlery, brought her diary up to date and called Jay. He was in a pub on the outskirts of town, drinking with a colleague. Talking to him was a comfort to her. Before ending the call he told her a joke too subtle for her to understand. She blew a kiss down the phone.

  ‘All is well,’ she thought. ‘He’s happy to have me.’

  She picked up a magazine, read an article until the letters jumped off the page and settled into position again. She tossed the magazine onto the floor. Smarty opened his eyes, made a throaty growl and went back to sleep. She ignored his unusual behaviour, threw her head against the soft cushion. Her insides melted. Overpowered by a sexual yearning she threw open her gown, caressed her torso and throbbing mound. The rubbing became rhythmical and harder. She involuntarily thrust her pelvis upwards in response to the intensity of her euphoria. She imagined her friends performing a sexual act – abhorrent, yet electrifying. Jay growls and pounds Lauren from behind. She moans with pleasure, commands him to fuck her harder. A young girl with a mischievous smile watches them and waves a forbidden finger.