I needed her.
I… fuck, I needed her, so badly.
I needed to find her, but I didn’t know where to begin.
I tried her parents, but neither of them had heard from her. I tried her siblings, but they hadn’t heard from her in almost a year, so she hadn’t gone there. I refused to give up and Norry and Joe were searching hotels, when I got a message from her.
Amber- I’ll be over tomorrow, for my things.
That was it. She was leaving me again, but this time I couldn’t blame her. It was my fault, because I’d screamed in her face and told her to go. I’d hurt her again and again; it wasn’t fair of me to keep bouncing her around like a toy. She deserved so much better than me, much better than what I was offering her. My heart broke as the agony of really losing her overwhelmed me and I text her back as tears ran unchecked down my cheeks.
Mason- Okay, I understand. I’m so sorry Amber. Please forgive me.
She didn’t reply and I spent the rest of the night wallowing in self-pity. Harris dragged my ass out of the house, after hours of leaving me sitting stewing. We hit a bar downtown and bumped into an old friend of mine. Karina Andrews from the Broken shoot. She was a model and was always more interested in me, than I was in her. I’d drunk way too much and somehow ended up with everyone back at my place, for a party that went on until early the next afternoon. We partied all night and since the kids were at my moms, I didn’t care about the noise or anything. I’d drunk so much; I was numb to it all. It was how I’d gone through the past few weeks and it helped me forget about everything.
When the door went at three in the afternoon, I stumbled towards it topless and covered in lipstick from Karina. I opened the door expecting to see our food delivery, but stepped back in surprise, when my eyes met Amber's. Her eyes roamed over my chest and I saw her eyes narrow, as she took in the lipstick marks.
“What are you doing here?” I slurred at her, happy to see her, but annoyed because she was looking at me, like she didn’t know me.
“I told you I’d be here. I texted you this morning to tell you I was coming by for my things, at three.”
My eyes blurred in and out, but I could make out a truck parked on the drive. It was a silver truck, but I couldn’t make out the model.
“Oh, are you leaving me then?” I asked her and she gave me a pointed stare.
“Don’t think there’s much point in me staying, is there?” she asked, with a quick glance at my chest.
I was about to answer her, when a hand snaked around my waist, Karina pulled me around and pressed her lips to mine. Amber let out a little noise and my heart sank, because I’d lost her. I knew it in that moment and even as I tried to extract myself from Karina’s hold, I knew I’d already lost. Amber stepped by us and quickly climbed the stairs. I heard her footsteps retreating and managed to pull away from Karina.
“Sorry, who’s that Mason?” Karina asked as I turned to follow Amber.
As I didn’t want a scene, or for her to turn full-on bitch to Amber, I gave her a non-answer.
“No-one. Just my Au pair.” I told her dismissively. “Go back to the party and I’ll be down soon. I just have to speak to her…”
I ushered Karina back into the living room with everyone else and bolted for the stairs, hoping to stop Amber, before she left me again. My feet slowed as I reached her room and I watched as she moved around with purpose, tossing things onto the bed. She separated out things, as I stood in the doorway and began folding them.
“What do you want Mason?” she asked, without looking at me.
Her voice was hard as flint and I wished I could go back to how things were, when we came home after the tour. She was smiling, laughing and, in my arms, where she belonged.
“Amber, I just…” I began and she spun around to face me. Her eyes were hard and her lips tight as she glowered at me with hatred in her eyes.
“What Mason? Came to hurt me a little more? I mean since I’m no-one and nothing to you, why don’t you just let me get the fuck out of here?”
Fuck, she heard that. I didn’t mean it like that.
My God.
How could she think she was nothing to me?
Probably because I’d treated her like she was nothing but an inconvenience, since everything went down. I couldn’t be alone with her. Being with her made me vulnerable and I couldn’t be vulnerable, not with her, not with anyone. Not ever again.
“Amber, let me explain?” I begged her.
She stormed towards me, limping a little on her foot. My eyes widened as I noticed that she didn’t have a cast on it anymore.
“No. Mason, you don’t get to do this to me again. Your chest is covered in lipstick. While I spent last night devastated, because you ordered me to leave. You spent last night with someone else. I lost our baby and where the fuck were you? While I was grieving and trying to come to terms with everything, by myself. Where the fuck were you? Off getting it on with some stupid sluts… I’ve had it. I’m done.”
She broke off, breathing hard, as she stood in front of me and my heart splintered, because she was right. Not about the sleeping with anyone else, but about me leaving her alone and letting her deal with everything by herself. Shame burned through me and I knew I had to let her go. I wasn’t good enough for her and this was just the tip of the iceberg, that proved it.
“I’m sorry, I messed up,” I muttered sadly, and she laughed, right in my face.
“No. You didn’t just mess up. You ruined everything. Fighting so hard to win me back, and then leaving me, when things got tough. Fuck you, Mason. Just leave me alone. I need to get, my shit and get out of here.”
Her words ripped at me and I gave her a tense head bob, as I turned and walked away from her. Leaving my heart crushed on the floor at her feet. I didn’t go back downstairs, but walked into my room, and closed and locked the door. My feet carried me to my bed, and I flopped down on it. I lay there and closed my eyes and wishing my pain would go away, but the guilt was eating at me.
I’d made her go through a miscarriage alone.
I’d abandoned her and left her to deal with being kidnapped, without me.
What the fuck did I expect from her?
I’d found my solace at the bottom of a bottle but hadn’t offered her any help, or support and now, this was where we were. Imagining her going through everything alone, crushed my soul and my eyes spilled over. My world was a fucked-up place. While I’d been focused on rebuilding my company, recording new music with the band, she’d been left behind to pick up the pieces of everything that had happened because she was involved with me.
I heard her footsteps going in and out of her room, but I let her get on with it. The last thing she needed was my drunken ass, harassing her as she left me. Even though I knew I deserved it, her leaving me, still devastated me. Once her footsteps stopped, I pushed up from the bed and walked to the door, unlocking it, and stepping out into the hallway. My feet automatically turned and carried me to her room, and I saw on her bed, all the things I’d gotten her. A bear at the fun park in San Antonio, a cowboy hat in Memphis, a necklace in New York. Everything was left, including the cell and it was seeing this, that hit me how much I’d truly fucked it all up. I’d taken for granted, that she’d put up with my shit and still want to be with me.
Why the fuck would she?
Why would anyone want to put up with me?
Fuck, I need a drink.
I spun around and sprinted down the stairs. My legs carried me to the kitchen, but the liquor cabinet was empty. We’d emptied it for the party, but I needed something desperately. I decided to go to my car and drive to the liquor store. Everyone in the living room was asleep and I swiped my hoodie out from the sofa. My eyes darted around for my keys and I tried to think where the last place I’d had them.
My brain was fuzzy, but then I remembered that my keys to my Dodge Charger, were in the hallway. I tugged my hoodie on, before rushing
out to the hallway and scooping up my keys. I grabbed my sunglasses, my ball cap from the table and tipped my keys onto my open palm. I breathed a broken sigh of relief, when I felt the cool metal on my palm. My wallet was also sitting there, and I stuffed it into my hoodie pocket.
My feet carried me straight to my car and I climbed in, without glancing around. I focused on setting the car into drive, jerking forwards and then backward. My clumsy driving ended up taking out a statue, that was on my doorstep. I pulled the handbrake on for a minute, to catch my breath and calm my racing heart. I thumped my head on the steering wheel and jerked when someone rattled on my window. My shame at getting caught behind the wheel, turned to surprise, when I saw Amber standing there glaring at me. She motioned to the window, I quickly rolled it down and faced her.
“Mason, what the fuck are you doing behind the wheel?” She asked me in a voice, that made my dick hard and my body tingle all over.
“I uh…” I began, she reached in and opened the door, taking the keys from the ignition.
“You what?” she hissed at me.
I could see color working its way up her cheeks. God she was so fucking beautiful and I was such a dumbass for letting her go.
“I needed booze…” I told her and I watched as her face went a blotchy, red color and her chest rose and fell.
“Booze? Are you fucking trying to kill yourself and everyone else on the road?”
Her words made me forget for a moment, that she was leaving me. Her eyes which were glistening and gorgeous, assessed me.
“Get out the car, Mason,” she commanded, but I shook my head.
“No. I need to go get some booze.” I told her, as though it was a simple thing.
Her nostrils flared, and she growled at me through her teeth, which turned me on, even more.
“Mason, you’ll kill yourself.” She protested and I smirked at her.
“Caring now, Ambs?” I asked her in a low voice, and she bristled.
“I’ve always cared about you. It was you, who didn’t care about me. It was you, who left me behind, not the other way around.”
Her words echoed in my head and I wondered if that was really what she thought, because it was so far from the truth, that it killed me.
“You think I stopped caring about you? Seriously?” I asked her and my heart thumped unevenly, as I waited on her response.
She glared at me and then hissed, almost under her breath, but loud enough for me to still hear her.
“This is getting us nowhere.”
She spun around and began walking away with my keys in her hand.
“Amber, my keys.” I called after her.
She ignored me and continued to make her way to her truck. I clumsily unbuckled my seatbelt, opened the door, climbing out and going after her, but leaving the car door open, so if she locked it, I could still get in. She reached her truck a few minutes before I did and was scrambling around for something in the dash, when I reached her. I paused for a moment to admire her gorgeous ass, when she spun around and caught my hungry gaze.
“I’ll drive you.” She told me in a stern voice, as she glanced away from my heated look, and it took me a moment to process what she was saying.
“Drive me where?” I asked her in confusion and her eyebrow lifted, as she glared at me.
“The liquor store, unless you don’t wanna go there anymore?” She probed.
I was torn because I did want more booze, but more than that, I wanted to take Amber back into the house, strip her naked and taste every single inch of her body. I wanted to make her scream my name so loud, that she’d never want to leave me. Make her come so hard, that she’d feel it for hours afterward. I stepped towards her, and she stepped back with her hands up.
“Decide Mason,” she hissed.
I watched as she licked her lips and her nipples hardened beneath her blouse.
“Decide what Amber? What position I want you in, because the answer is all of them. Every position. I want it all and I want it with you.”
I stepped towards her instinctively and her hands lifted, until she was touching my chest. She pushed me back a little and I went, smirking, as I saw her breathing was labored and her body trembling.
“No Mason, decide if you want me to take you to the liquor store, or if you want to go back inside, so I can leave?”
Her words made me pause and my eyes roamed all over her body, as they lifted upwards.
“Don’t leave me, stay, please?” I begged her and she shook her head.
“Mason I can’t, please don’t ask me to stay. I have to leave.”
Her voice was pained, and she glanced away from me, with her lip trembling. I watched as she reached up, swiped away a tear from under her eye and took a steadying breath, before she turned back to face me. Devastation and desolation washed over me, as I took in her determined gaze and I knew she was really going.
Fuck, this was going to hurt, so fucking bad.
“If you are leaving, can you take me to store please, because I can’t watch you walk away from me sober? It hurts too damn much already, and I’m half wasted, right now.”
She gave me a brief nod, turned, and reached over, gripping her purse, and tugging it towards her. She held it tightly across her chest and marched back towards my car, climbing into the driver's seat.
Chapter Thirteen
Rescue Me
Amber
Mason watched as I settled myself into the driver’s seat, and then grunted as he walked around the car. He was acting odd, but I couldn’t let him kill himself, not because of me.
I wanted to just leave him because it hurt. Everything he was doing was hurting me. I’d been sitting in my car, trying to pluck up the courage to drive away, when I saw his car move. I hadn’t noticed him come out, or been paying attention, but I didn’t miss his car jerking forward and then back. My eyes had widened in horrified recognition, when I spotted him in the driver’s seat. Before I could think any more about it, I was out of my car and racing towards his. Thankfully, he’d stopped trying to drive and I managed to steal his keys. When he followed me to my car, I almost gave in, because he turned his intense, brown eyes on me and was being deliberately provocative. I’d missed him so much in the weeks since he’d pulled away from me, but I couldn’t forgive him. I couldn’t let it slide, so I knew that I was doing what was best for both of us. Plus, he still had lipstick on his face and neck, so his appeal was diminished by that.
Once I was settled in the car, I began to drive, fiddling with the radio, when the silence between us became a little too uncomfortable. Mason’s voice filled the cab, and he rolled his eyes and went to turn it off, as Broken played through the speakers.
Baby, you saved me.
Baby, you loved me.
Even when, I was broken.
My heart was dead inside.
But you brought me back to life.
You healed me.
And stole my heart.
Because baby, I’m not broken anymore.
He reached over to turn it off and I grabbed his hand before he reached the dial.
“No, please leave it on.” I asked in a low voice.
He nodded at me and turned to look out the window, as his fingers linked with mine. For a moment, Quinn’s guitar solo filled the silence and then Mason began to softly sing, in a hoarse voice.
“You saved me.
You showed me how to love.
You answered my prayers from up above.
And Baby I’m not Broken anymore.
Everything I am.
And everything I do.
I owe it all to you.
I love you.
I need you.
I want you.
Say you’ll be mine,
Because, baby I’m not broken anymore…”
His voice by the end was husky and his fingers squeezed mine. He wasn’t looking at me, but out of the window, I pulled into the
store and turned to face him.
“Mason,” I began, and he slowly turned to face me.
His eyes shone with tears, and he swallowed as he stared at me for so long, without speaking, that I thought he’d forgotten how to.
“Ambs, I need you, please don’t go?” he begged, as a tear rolled down his cheek and landed on his lip.
He licked it away, I reached over and touched his cheek with my free hand.
“Mason, I don’t know what you want from me?” I told him honestly, and he turned his face into my hand, kissing my palm.
“Love. I just need you to love me, please?” he begged.
My heart broke all over again, because he was like a little boy, lost.
“Just give me some time, Ambs and I’ll be better. I’ll do better. I’d do anything for you.”
Time, he asked for.
What did he want time for?
To do what, to grieve, to change, to ignore me again?
I couldn’t do it. Not again. I needed the time. I needed space from him and everything that had happened to me. So, I had to be the one to, leave, even though I still loved him, and it was hurting me.
“I can’t. I need you to give me some time, space and let me sort my head out.”
He gave my palm another kiss and swallowed, before pulling back from me.
“Okay,” he breathed, then he released my hand and turned away from me.
For a moment we sat in silence, then I turned to him as he sat facing forwards, with a composed expression on his face.
“You want me to go in for you?” I asked him in a low voice to break the tension, and he shook his head, before taking a deep breath and turning away from me.
Broken Mercy Page 11