Broken Mercy

by Stacy McWilliams

  When he made me go on stage with him, my whole body was trembling, but his eyes shone with joy and love and something that looked like relief. His smile was dazzling and I melted. I felt his smile touch me everywhere, but it was when he was signing, Apologies, that I knew he wasn’t over what I’d done. I couldn’t help thinking that maybe I had a chance to apologize to him and make up for how I left things.

  Now I was standing in his hotel room, unable to face him because I didn’t want to see pain, anger, or hatred on his face. Instead of facing him, I stood staring out of the window and waiting for him to speak.

  “Amber,” he began in a soft whisper, from across the room.

  I froze, not even breathing because I was so scared about his reaction to me, to my presence, that I could barely breathe.

  “Look at me, please?”

  I released the breath I was holding and turned around to face him, with shaking hands.

  “Hi, Mason,” I muttered, and he smiled sadly at me.

  “Hi.”

  His eyes scanned my body from top to bottom, with his gaze heated, but I wasn’t there to sleep with him. I was going to apologize for the way I left and for hurting him, like I did.

  “You want a drink?” he asked when I didn’t speak.

  He motioned to the mini bar and walked over opening it, taking a bottle of water out for himself and speaking in a nervous tone, that I’d never heard him use. He’d always been so self-assured and arrogant, but this softer, gentler side of him, was one that I could fall in love with, all over again. He opened his bottle, took a sip and I watched as his throat worked, swallowing. He met my eyes and I blushed a little because he’d caught me staring at him, but he didn’t call me out on it, like he would have done before. I gave him a small smile to break the tension, as we stood and stared at each other. I answered him finally, and said in a low voice.

  “Sure, water would be nice. Thank you.”

  He gave me a sardonic look and I wondered where his head was at. He reached in and walked towards me, holding my bottle in his hand, as he took a sip from his open bottle.

  “You know, you don’t have to drink water, because I don’t drink anymore.”

  His honesty was refreshing, and I accepted the water from his hand, with shaking fingers.

  “I know, Mase, but I like water and I’m not a big drinker, if you remember.”

  “I do remember. I remember everything about you, Amber.”

  His gaze darkened for a minute and I wondered if he was angry with me for leaving him, or angry with me for going to the concert. He motioned to the sofa, and we both walked over and took a seat. I couldn’t help the nerves I was feeling. I wanted to ask him how he was, how rehab had gone, but I didn’t want to pry. I didn’t know what to say in answer to his reply to me, so I fiddled with my bottle, opening, and closing the lid.

  “Are you nervous, Amber?”

  I turned to face him, taking in his blue eyes, chiseled jaw and I saw him lick his lips, as he watched me.

  “Yeah, a little. I mean it’s a bit odd isn’t it?” I answered him honestly, as his eyes scorched into mine.

  “No, not really. It feels surreal sure, but odd isn’t a word I’d use to describe this situation.”

  I blushed and tore my eyes away from his, as memories of our last night together surfaced in my mind. I could tell him, about what happened after, but I wasn’t sure he’d even want to know. I hadn’t told Lexa, or my parents and it was a struggle, but as my breasts tingled and I could feel the release of milk. I knew I’d need to excuse myself, to check that my breast pads hadn’t moved, or he’d find out about more than my regret.

  I didn’t want his help, or to trap him. I was managing on my own and Zach was such a happy baby, that I felt dreadful leaving him. Josie, my neighbor, was a retired nurse, and she adored caring for him, while I worked. We’d become really quite close and it was her who encouraged me to go to the concert.

  “Hey, don’t look away from me, please. I’ve missed you and I need… fuck… this is harder than I thought,” he sighed.

  He then stood up and paced around for a bit, while I sat on the sofa and watched him feeling my body hum, as desire battled with my nerves. After a few minutes, he turned to face me, but I was still struggling to look at him.

  “Amber, is it okay if I go for a shower? Will you stay until I get out, and then we can talk?” he asked uncertainly.

  I bobbed my head in assent. I couldn’t leave yet. I had to know if he was okay. I had to know if he was coping without me and then, I could leave. I could go back to my little flat, that I’d bought with my car money, my inheritance and pick up our twelve-week-old baby.

  “Okay, I’ll be right back. Please wait for me to come back before you leave?”

  He reached out to touch me and then shook his head, dropping his hand, before he stood up. His caution made my heart squeeze and I gave him a bright smile, as I watched him walk towards the bedroom.

  “I’ll wait, Mason. I’m not going anywhere yet.”

  His eyes narrowed, and he frowned at me for a beat, before he turned around and went back into one of the rooms, opposite me. For a few moments, I sat chewing on my lip and then I plucked my cell out of my handbag, to check to see if Zach was okay. I quickly texted Josie, and she replied saying he was fine, fast asleep, and she sent me a photo of him in his bassinet, sound asleep. I missed him. I was only just working three days a week and I needed the money, because damn, babies were expensive. I still needed some new clothes because my figure had changed slightly, since I’d become a mom.

  Lexa had become a mom too, but her little girl was a few months older than Zach. She’d been pregnant when I’d left, and I wished I’d known. I wished I could have been there for her, but I couldn’t, because I’d had to leave. There was no way I could have stayed, with everything that had happened with Mason and me. I sat and tried to think how different my life would have been if I’d stayed, but I quickly shook the thoughts off because there was no point wondering, if I’d made the right decision. I made the only decision I could. I couldn’t stay with him after everything.

  Mason came back out of the bedroom and I quickly shoved my cell away. My lock screen was Zach and I didn’t want him to see it, because Zach was so much like him, that it hurt sometimes. When he gave me a gummy smile, or his blue eyes lit up, all I could see was Mason.

  “Hey, you okay?”

  I glanced up at him, smiling as I saw him toweling his damp hair.

  “Thanks for waiting. I was soaked with sweat and getting uncomfortable with the smell.”

  He was joking with me and I relaxed a little, but my breasts were really starting to ache. I knew I would have to leave pretty soon, or my big secret would be exposed to the one person, I needed to hide it from.

  “It’s fine and I’m fine. I can’t stay too much longer though.” I told him.

  I saw his face fall at my words. He gave me a slight head bob and came over to sit beside me. Even though there were two armchairs across from the sofa, we were sitting on. He reached over and I saw his sweater ride up, showing me his toned back. When he turned to me, I could see his chest and his pecs.

  “Hey, my eyes, are up here,” he muttered with a grin.

  I laughed as I lifted my eyes to his. He began to laugh and soon we were laughing at each other. It was sweet, fun, and nice, and I realized how much I’d missed him, since I’d been away. When the laughter died down, he turned to face me and opened his mouth to speak, when one of the kids woke up and began to cry. God I’d missed them so much. I watched as he sighed, ran his fingers through his hair and went into the room again, to settle them back to sleep. He began to sing to Lucca, and I wanted to cry because Zach didn’t have that.

  He was missing out on his daddy singing to him, because of me.

  My eyes squeezed shut, I stood up and began pacing, until a few minutes later, Mason came back out and closed the door softly at his back.


  “Sorry, Amber.” He began, but his face fell when he saw me standing by the door, with my jacket and purse in my hand.

  “I have to go, Mase,” I told him in a broken whisper.

  He didn’t react, as I tugged open the door and began to walk down the corridor. I reached the elevator and pushed the button, but before it arrived, he come running down the corridor, with my cell in his hand.

  He wasn’t looking at me as it chirped, but at the screen, in which he could clearly see Zach and me. It was a photo Josie had taken, where I was playing with him, and he was giggling. I loved it, but Mason stumbled backward, when he saw it and tears filled his eyes. For a moment, we stood in complete silence. I was horror struck and so was he. He wasn’t supposed to find out and if he did, it wasn’t supposed to be like that.

  “Who is this?” Mason spat out as he spun to face me.

  I swallowed around the lump in my throat, at having to say the words to him. I never, ever, intended for him to know.

  “My son, Zach.”

  He stepped towards me, holding my cell out to me, and glaring at me, as I tugged my cell from his hand, that was clenched around it.

  “Your son?” he asked, and I stared at him for a beat, before I answered him.

  “Yes, my son.”

  I saw him trying to do the math, then he stepped towards me, trapping me between his arms and the wall.

  “Is he mine?” he asked bitterly.

  I wanted to lie to him, but I couldn’t do that, so I bit my lip and lifted my eyes to his, about to say yes. He must have read the answer on my face, because he hit out at the wall, behind, making me jump. For the first time ever, I was afraid of him.

  “Why, why would you keep him from me? Did you really hate me that much? Did you think I’d make a terrible father?”

  He paused and a tear rolled down his cheek, as he muttered brokenly, to me.

  “I know I messed up with us. Fuck, I screwed up so badly with us but why would you do that, Amber?”

  My eyes filled with tears at his pain and I reached out to touch his chest, when he stepped back away from me.

  “Please don’t touch me,” he muttered, and I dropped my hand, helplessly to my side, as pain washed over me. I’d never meant to hurt him, but seeing how much I had killed me.

  “I wanted to see you. I tried to find you after I got out of rehab. I wanted to tell you how sorry I was for how I treated you. All I wanted was to tell you how much I loved you and missed you, but I never expected this Amber. You know how much I love my kids and you kept him from me.”

  His words tore at my chest and my eyes spilled over. My breath catching on a sob, as I tried to find the words to explain to him, why I’d done, what I had.

  “Mason, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you…” I began and he held up his hand.

  “I can’t… Stop, please…”

  He swiped at his eyes and stared at me in complete and utter devastation.

  “Mason,” I muttered as I stepped towards him, but he shook his head and stepped away from me.

  “Go, just go, please just leave… I understand that you don’t want a fuck up like me, involved in your child’s life. He’s your son…”

  He took a steadying breath and I saw him close up on me and watched as he pulled his cold act, together.

  “What are you waiting on? Five minutes ago, you were desperate to go, so fucking go. You're good at leaving, aren’t you?”

  He spun around and walked purposefully back to the room, as I collapsed on the floor and began sobbing into my hands.

  Fuck, I had to get away.

  I pushed up from the floor and pressed the button for the elevator. I didn’t expect Lewis and Harris to be coming out as it arrived, but I blazed by them, in a flurry of tears and pressed the ground button, furiously. Lewis stepped back into the elevator and scanned his card, pressing the button for me, but he didn’t leave. He gave Harris a sharp look, that I saw in the reflection in the elevator and he nodded at him. The doors closed and I tried to control my breathing, but I never expected anything from Mason. For him to dismiss me and his son, like he did, had absolutely devastated me. I couldn’t believe I’d ever loved him. Lewis asked me if I was okay as the elevator descended and I shook my head, because I wasn’t okay. I was so far from okay, that I didn’t know which way was up. He walked me towards the door, I stopped and fumbled with my cell, trying to see through my tears, so I could call myself a cab.

  “Amber, what are you trying to do?” Lewis asked kindly and I sobbed as I told him.

  “I. Need. A. Cab.” I managed to get out between sobs, he took my arm and led me to the seats. at the reception desk.

  “Stay here and I’ll organize a car for you. You’re in no state to be going in a cab, anywhere.”

  I tried to thank him, but sobs wracked my body again. I wrapped my arms around my waist, trying to hold myself together. He was back within a few minutes and while I wasn’t sobbing any longer, my nose was still streaming, and my eyes were stinging. He handed me a cup of water, a packet of tissues and sat beside me, until I took a few sips of water and wiped my face. I turned to thank him and saw he was looking at his cell.

  “Donny, will drive you home,” he told me absently, pointing towards the reception desk, where a man in a suit was standing watching us.

  “Thank you.” I answered, because I was so grateful to him, but he didn’t answer me.

  He ignored me as I stood up and walked over to Donny, who pushed off the reception desk and walked towards me.

  “Where to Miss?” he asked.

  I answered him in a voice, that sounded so different to my normal one.

  “Lower East, sixty-fourth street please.”

  He gave me a sharp nod and led me out to a sleek black SUV, that was parked outside. He didn’t speak as he drove me home. I leaned back and closed my eyes, wishing I still had a way to contact Mason, to tell him why I’d acted like I had. He had to know it wasn’t easy. I missed him every single day, but I didn’t want to reach out to him, after how he’d treated me. I had to do it alone, because I couldn’t trust him. Not really. Not after going through everything I’d gone through, without him and his support.

  We reached the apartment building, I quickly left the car and rushed inside. I called the elevator and pressed the button for the fourth floor. Once I was inside, I could feel my tears building again. I unlocked Josie’s door and tiptoed along the hall, grateful to find her asleep. I scooped up Zach and carried him out, closing and locking the door after me. She’d known I’d be home late, and she’d told me she’d keep Zach all night if I wanted. I didn’t want to spend the night away from my baby though. As I held him in my arms and breathed in his baby smell, my heart shattered all over again, at what had happened. I opened the door to my apartment and walked through to the bedroom, where I put Zach in his crib. He was beginning to stir, but I wanted to change before I fed him. I kicked my boots off, tugged my jeans down, opened up my wrap around top and took out my breasts. Both were hot and solid feeling and when Zach began to cry, milk began to run down both sides of my chest. I tugged on some shorts quickly and pulled a tank on, before going over, and picking up my crying baby.

  “It’s okay, little man, mommy is here,” I told him.

  I walked to the nursing chair and sat on it, positioning him at my breast. He latched on and began to feed, as I stroked his dark brown hair.

  “I love you so much, but I messed up,” I told him as he fed, and my tears began to fall again.

  “I saw your daddy tonight and I didn’t even get to tell him how sorry I was for everything. For how I left and now he hates me and will probably never want to see me, or you. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I didn’t mean for any of it to happen, now we’re all alone again and it’s all my fault.”

  My tears fell onto his head and I leaned down, brushing my lips against him. He began to settle, and I switched him sides, sigh
ing as he began to feed on the opposite side, but he fell asleep and I popped him into the crib. For a moment, I just stood watching him. Then I pulled my tank down and walked over to my bed, climbing into it. Seeking the solace, that only sleep could bring.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Heartbreak Hotel

  Mason

  I watched in dismay, as Amber left. I wanted to ask her to stay. I wanted to beg her to forgive me, but she seemed off since I’d come back from my shower, but more so since I’d come back from settling Lucca to sleep. She was gone in a moment and I just had to stand there and watch, as the woman I loved walked out on me again.

  At least this time, I’m awake to see it.

  Then my eye caught sight of something on the floor, under the sofa, where she’d been sitting. I walked over and scooped up her cell, rushing out after her. When her cell chirped in my hand, I couldn’t help glancing down. When I did, everything seemed to slow, as I saw the little boy on her screen. His blue eyes danced merrily, and he was smiling at her, as she held him above her head. My world tilted on its axis, as I took him in and saw that his eyes were the exact same color as mine.

  Who is this?” I hissed at her, I spun to face her and her face paled.

  Her eyes met mine and I could see something in them. I was too angry, because I already knew the answer to the question, I was going to ask.

  “My son, Zach.” She answered as I stepped closer, holding out her cell to her.

  Her son, Zach.

  Was he someone else’s?

  Had she been with someone else after me?

  I had to know.

  I had to find out.

  The next few minutes passed, as I tried to figure out if he could be mine. Or if some douchebag had knocked her up immediately, after she’d fled from me.

  What was I supposed to do?