Broken Mercy

by Stacy McWilliams

  “Mason,” I mumbled.

  He turned to face me, with a devastated expression on his face, that made me even more confused. He ran his fingers through his hair as he stared at me. I licked my lips as my eyes scanned his body. He shook his head, as I reached it again and wouldn’t meet my eyes, as I said his name once again.

  “Mason, look at me please?” I asked, when he continued to ignore me, while pacing up and down on my hardwood floor.

  When he didn’t look at me, I began to get self-conscious and then hurt. Perhaps he didn’t want me anymore. Maybe he’d realized, that I didn’t satisfy him that way anymore. Clearly, he wanted to leave, but didn’t know how to tell me that we were over, for good, this time.

  “Mason, was this a mistake?” I asked him in a low voice, and he turned to me with horror on his face.

  “No, I… just… uh…” he began and then broke off.

  He ran his fingers through his hair and took a deep breath, walking slowly towards me and dropping to his knees, between my legs. He stared for a moment at the floor and when he lifted his eyes to mine, a tear fell and rolled down his cheeks. Before he dropped his eyes again and swallowed, making his shoulders move with his breaths.

  “Amber, I didn’t mean to push you into sex. Fuck… I just… fuck…” he began, then he looked back up at me, completely broken and a shell of the man I fell in love with.

  “Amber, I have so many things I need to apologize to you for. I will never, ever forgive myself for letting you go through everything alone. I will never forgive myself for letting you out of my sight that day, when we arrived home.”

  He paused and scooted a little closer to me, wrapping his hands around my waist and holding himself there.

  “I want you to know, that I know why you left and I get it, but I wish I could turn back the clock. I’d stop you leaving and never let you go. I’m so sorry,” he explained as I sat stunned on the bed.

  I hadn’t expected any of this from him, because Mason Michaels wasn’t a guy who apologized, or who admitted when he was wrong. He was always in command, always in control, and he hated it when things were out of his control.

  “I shouldn’t have made you have sex with me tonight, and I don’t want you to hate me again…”

  He broke off breathing harshly and trembling. I didn’t know what to do, but I couldn’t just sit, do nothing, and let him fall apart in front of me. I pulled myself forwards and sat myself on his lap.

  “Mason, I didn’t do anything, I didn’t want to do. I wanted you. I’ve always wanted you. Wanting you was never my problem. I was hurt and embarrassed when I yelled at you earlier, because I’ve been doing this on my own. My checking account is almost empty, but you don’t have that problem.”

  He lifted his head to meet my gaze and there was a hopeful expression on his face.

  “Mason, I love you. I always did and when you pulled away, from me, I didn’t know how to cope. I get why you were struggling, but I was too. Now it’s a year later and I’m back in your arms, but I’m not sure I belong here anymore.” I told him honestly, he lifted his head and met my steady gaze, with a fearful expression.

  “You don’t think you belong with me anymore?” he asked and the hurt at hearing my words, was evident on both his face and in his voice.

  “I don’t know. I have Zach to think about and our life is here. We have family here; we are settled and happy. I don’t know where, or how you fit into that.”

  His body stiffened at my words, and he dropped his arms from around my back, leaving me feeling more confused. I was trying to be honest with him, and he was acting like I was saying, I didn’t want him anymore. When I was telling him, I still loved him, but things were different now and there was no point denying it.

  “I should go,” he muttered, as he tugged his tee out from under me and pulled it on.

  I moved to stand and scooped up my bathrobe from the floor and pulled it on, as he tugged up his jeans and shoved his feet into his shoes. I didn’t know what to say to stop him leaving. Even though I wanted to ask him to stay, I knew it wasn’t fair on him, when I’d basically just told him he had no place in mine and Zach’s lives. He scooped up his leather jacket and pulled it over his arm, before turning to face me with a cold, hard, expression on his face. He opened his mouth, closed it, and then shook his head, before he turned and left the room, slamming the door closed at his back. For a few seconds, there was silence and then the apartment door closed, with a loud bang, that rattled my whole apartment.

  I collapsed against the wall and slid down to the floor, because even though I’d said that I didn’t know where he fit in. I didn’t expect him to just walk away from me and from Zach, like that. Mason always surprised me, and it always shocked me how cold and cruel he could turn. I couldn’t believe we’d had sex, less than twenty minutes ago, now he was gone and probably wouldn’t ever return. I’d be all alone again, with only Zach and my friends for company.

  Fuck my life.

  I sat on the floor wondering how the fuck our hot and heavy sex, had led to him leaving me. After a few more minutes passed, my stomach began to growl. I pushed up from the floor and made my way to the kitchen. My eyes scanned the room and I saw Mason’s sunglasses and baseball cap still sitting on the table. I closed my eyes, sucked in a breath, and turned away from it, to see our takeout still sitting in the bag on the counter. I ripped open the polystyrene bag and put my food onto a plate, before shoving it into the microwave to heat, while I poured myself a large glass of wine.

  Josie would be back with Zach in a few hours. She’d just come to get him ten minutes before Mason arrived, and she was keeping him for a few hours, so I could have a little time to myself. I hadn’t known Mason was coming over when I’d asked her to mind him, but I wished he was home, because my heart longed for me to go after him, but how could I?

  What had changed in the last ten minutes?

  Nothing at all and it wasn’t fair to get involved with him, even if the sex was mind-blowing, when I had nothing to offer him in return. He would only end up disappointed in me again, and then he’d leave me again. It was kinder this way, for everyone, although it hurt like a bitch. I took a sip of my wine and my cell pinged, but I ignored it, because my food was ready. I sat down to eat and I forgot to check my cell, as I inhaled my food. Mason’s food would last for dinner the next day, so I set it down beside the fridge, as I popped my dish and empty wine glass into the sink. My body ached as I rinsed and washed up, popping them on the drying rack and standing leaning against the counter, since my legs were still like jelly.

  Every time I thought about Mason and how he’d pushed into me, spanked my ass, or pushed his tongue into me, my body quivered. Feeling the sore muscles between my legs, reminded me of just how amazing he was in the bedroom. I thought again about what I’d said, and while I’d told him the truth about me having a life here. I should maybe have waited a little and discussed it with him. I wished I could call him and get him back here, but I knew he wouldn’t want to come back. He’d already come back once, and I’d basically told him he wasn’t enough.

  Fuck. Fuck. Fuckety. Fuck.

  I thought, as my thoughts raced around and around in my head. I leaned forwards and took a deep breath, inhaling and exhaling. The scent of Mason’s aftershave hit my nose and made my stomach flip. I still smelled like him and I hadn’t cleaned up after our hot and sweaty sex. I decided to go for a shower and then try to relax afterwards on the sofa, with one of my favorite authors books. I was reading Rough Love by Lizzie James and was loving it.

  My legs shook as I went into the bathroom and I turned the shower on. The water was hot and as I washed away the smell of sex and of Mason from my body, my heart broke a little, at the hurt I’d undoubtedly caused him. He didn’t deserve to have to face up to losing me again, or the pain that my leaving him had cost us both. I knew that even though I regretted leaving him, there was no way I could have stayed. I’d have hated him,
and he’d never have faced up to what he’d put me through, if had.

  I washed and scrubbed at my hair, and then conditioned it and rinsed off. My cell chimed again with another message as I came out of the shower, but I ignored it, as I dried off and walked through to my bedroom. I grabbed a clean pair of sleep shorts and a long tee, that was one of Mason’s, that I’d taken with me and pulled them on. I was kind of glad he wasn’t here to see how pathetic I was. Still sleeping in his shirt and missing him, even though it was my fault he was gone. I had to get my head out of my ass. I moved through the apartment, tidying up and popping clothes into my laundry hamper, which was almost full. I needed to go do some laundry, but it could wait for a bit. I picked up my cell and saw a message from Josie, telling me Zach was settled and asleep. She said that she’d bring him back over, when he woke up and was looking for a feed. There was another message there and I just stared at it for a few minutes.

  It was from Mason’s personal page, and I was scared to actually open up the message, to see what he was saying in it. To stop myself reading it, I put my cell down and walked over to the under-counter fridge and took out the wine bottle, I’d been drinking. There wasn’t much left in it, so I poured another small glass of wine and went to sit on the sofa. I was careful to avoid sitting where Mason and I had sex earlier. My hands shook as I stared at my cell, trying to pluck up the courage to read his message. When I finally opened it up, I was surprised with how cool and detached he was.

  Hey Amber, I want you to know, I don’t regret a moment of our time together. I’m just sorry you can’t find space for me in your life. I’ll be in touch with regards to access to Zach. Here is my number, in case of emergencies. 555 3215. Take care, Mase.

  I read and reread the message several times and was a little hurt by the tone of it. I didn’t know what to reply, or what to say to him, so I sent a thumbs up and closed my messages down. My hands shook as I tried to ignore the anguish that was settling into my gut. I picked up my e-reader and opened up my book, getting stuck into Logan and Meghan’s story again. I managed to read for half an hour, without my mind wandering. It was a good escape, but my mind drifted back to Mason over and over again. Eventually, I set the book down and decided to go do some laundry.

  On my way down in the lift, I met Luke, one of my neighbors, and we chatted a little about the weather and how he was. He was a bit of a party animal and I saw him escorting a lot of girls from his apartment, in the months that I’d lived there. He was sweet, cute, and funny, but he wasn’t my type. I’d never asked him out, or gone out with him, when he offered.

  “Bye, Amber, see ya later.” He muttered as he stepped out onto the ground floor.

  I continued to the basement to do a load and I stepped out the elevator and went along the corridor, into the laundry room. I walked hugging my basket to my chest and making sure I hadn’t dropped my soap powder, or anything on the way. My sorting took a few minutes and I popped two loads on. One was Zach’s things, baby clothes, burp cloths, towels, and blankets. One was a dark wash for me and after they were on, I went and sat down, completely absorbed in my book and ignoring the outside world for a bit.

  As the loads finished, I switched them to the dryers, closing the machine and then going back to my book. I was sucked in once more and was just at an amazing part, when my cell got signal again. It was like a black hole in the basement and the cell phone signal, was rubbish. It was on the chair and it chimed again with a message, but I glanced down and ignored it. Until it went again, then again, and I scooped it up. There was a message from Mason, and it took me reading it four times before it sunk in.

  Amber, I’m sorry to tell you that Mason was in a car accident, and he’s now in Presbyterian.

  That was the first message, an hour ago and it was from Mason's account. Then there were others that had just come through.

  Hey, it’s Lex. I know you don’t want to hear from me just now, but Mason’s in a bad way. He’s coded twice and been resuscitated. I just thought you should know.

  The next one was from Lexa again.

  Amber, it’s really serious. He’s got internal injuries and is critical. If you want to come see him, Joe will come pick you up. Norry was in the car with him and died on impact and so did Donny, the driver. It hasn’t hit the news networks yet, so don’t tell, anyone, please.

  I stared at the cell numbly, as I reread all the messages and then sprang into action. I couldn’t believe that Mason had been hurt. If I hadn’t pushed him away, then he wouldn’t have left, and we’d probably be in my bed right now. I rushed towards the elevator, calling Josie as I did, but the signal was dreadful, and the call dropped out as soon as I’d gotten inside. I pressed the button furiously as I replied to Lexa.

  Of course, I want to come. I love Mason. I’ll be there soon. I’m just going to speak to my neighbor and see if she can mind Zach, a bit longer.

  My heart was thundering in my chest and I ran to Josie’s apartment and knocked on the door.

  “Hey, sweetie, he’s still sleeping…” Josie began, then took a good look at my face and stepped closer to me, putting her hand on my shaking arm.

  “Amber, are you okay?” she asked me in a concerned voice. “Was it that Mason? Do I need to kick his ass? Is he trying to take Zachy away?”

  I shook my head as my first tears began to fall and my voice shook hard, as I told her what had happened.

  “Mason left because I told him, I didn’t know where he would fit into our lives…” I began and she nodded up at me without speaking.

  “Then he was in an accident and I… uh… he’s in a critical condition.”

  My eyes darted around the room and I saw my son, our son, sleeping soundly in his bassinet.

  “Can you keep minding Zach while I go to him? I can’t let him go through this alone.”

  Josie stepped forwards and gave me a tight squeeze.

  “Sure, I can, there’s enough milk in my freezer to feed him all night. Don’t you worry about Zach and me, we’ll be fine.”

  I wrapped my arms around her and thanked my lucky stars that I moved into the apartment I did and found my amazing friends. She pushed me away from her and glanced down at my bare legs and the shirt that was falling off my shoulder.

  “Go, get dressed and go to the hospital. Keep me updated and if you need anything, just call me.”

  “I will, thanks again.”

  My eyes darted back to Zach and then away again, as guilt rose up in me. I was spending so much time away from him and I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t take him, with me. If any journos were there, they’d have a field day with it. Josie gave me a soft push towards the door, I turned and rushed back to my apartment. My whole body was shaking, as I threw the door open and stopping in surprise, when I saw Mason standing there. He turned to face me and I promptly burst into tears, as I rushed into his arms.

  “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know they’d told you that I was in an accident, and they mixed up who, I was. Carver Daniels was in the car with me. Norry had been with him in Manhattan, when I called to get picked up, and he’d swung by to get me too.”

  He rubbed at my back and I glanced up to see a few cuts and abrasions on his face, and a lump on his forehead. His eyes were dark and the irises was barely visible. His body shook as he held me. I led him over to the sofa, sitting down and pulling him down beside me.

  “They mixed us up in the ER and Carver is in a pretty bad way, but I was okay. I have a few cuts, scrapes and a concussion, but I’m fine otherwise.”

  He met my eyes and stared at me for a moment, before he leaned over and pressed a soft kiss to my lips. My heartbeat stuttered, as all the scenarios that played out in my mind evaporated. I wrapped my hands around him, holding him tightly to me. I didn’t care anymore about what he’d done to me, what had happened in the past. Our future was what was important and having him safe and, in my arms, though a little bruised, was everything to me. We could fix everything tha
t was broken, as long as we had each other.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Mending Bridges

  Mason

  Storming out of Amber’s house, was a mistake. Getting into the car angry and frustrated, meant I sat back and closed my eyes, as I tried to get a handle on my emotions. I’d sat there and poured my heart out to her, and she’d told me I didn’t fucking fit in her life.

  We’ll fuck her and fuck that.

  My fingers itched to text her and I wanted to tell her to fuck off, but I knew if I text her in anger that I’d regret it. I forced myself to sit back and breathed in through my nose and out through my mouth. I was trying hard to ignore the temptation to go and get fucking wasted. Carver was in the car and I hated him. He was an entitled, arrogant piece of shit. He always tried to make out that he was this nice guy in public, but behind closed doors, he was a complete cock and I’d already knocked him on his ass, a time or two.

  “So, Mase, I hear you’re a dad again. What’s that, like your sixth kid?” he muttered, in his stupid, nasally voice, that grated on me and I turned my head to glance over at him.

  “Ha-ha you’re a funny guy. At least my girls know I’m a good guy, unlike the chicks you date, don’t you have to pay them to be quiet afterwards?”

  My spiteful answer caused his face to pale, and he glowered at me, as he shrank back in his seat. I wanted to boot him from the car, but Norry was working for him too. Since we were staying in the same hotel, it made sense for us to share the car. We were crossing the bridge, when I decided to send Amber a message with my cell phone number. I wanted her to have it and I’d have to arrange with my lawyer, child support for Zach, because I wasn’t about to let my kid grow up without anything. Just because she didn’t want me in their lives, didn’t mean I’d leave Zach out.