Triumphant Love: Banished Saga, Book Nine

by Flightner, Ramona

  He paused and then whispered, “Luck saved my life. There’s no reason the man beside me was taken down by a stray bullet while I marched on.” He looked at Sebastian, his eyes gleaming with agony. “I wish I could forget.”

  Sebastian reached out and gripped his son’s shoulder. “I wish you’d been spared having to ever go to that horrible conflict, my boy. But I am proud of you. For fighting. For doing your part.”

  Nicholas nodded. “I … I don’t like others to think of me as a hero. I’m no hero, Dad. I merely survived.”

  Sebastian squeezed his shoulder again as Nicholas called him dad. Lately Nicholas called him Seb or sir. “You did, and we are thankful for it. I know you’ve spoken with Jeremy. He told me that you’ve spent time together.”

  Rubbing at his eyes, Nicholas bowed his head. “Rissa and Gabe were correct. It has helped me to speak with Jeremy. Although we lived through very different wars, it helps to see a man who has managed to tame his demons.” He looked at Sebastian. “He’s kind enough, and astute enough, to never claim that he’s conquered them.”

  Sebastian’s gaze filled with understanding. “If he did, the forced bravado and lies would only lead to false hope, disillusionment, and a sense that something remains wrong because you continue to suffer. I’m thankful he’s strong enough to be honest.”

  Nicholas let out a stuttering breath. “I fear my brothers and sisters will be disappointed in me.”

  Sebastian laughed. “Never. Although I fear they do consider you our returning hero.” He shared a chagrined smile with Nicholas. “Your mother and I will attempt to corral them.”

  Nicholas leaned forward, staring at the man who had always loved him like his son. “I’m so glad you’re here, Seb.” He paused. “Dad.” He saw Sebastian’s eyes flash with pleasure at his statement. “I … I’ve never known what it is to not have a father’s love. And you’ve always treated me as though I were yours.”

  “You are mine,” Sebastian said in a rough voice. “In every way that matters.”

  After long minutes, where the fire crackled in the grate, and they depleted the whiskey in their glasses, Nicholas whispered, “I worry I’ll never overcome the nightmares. The memories.”

  Leaning forward, Sebastian gripped his arm, his gaze fierce and filled with devotion. “You may always have moments when you are thrust back into your worst nightmare. But I will pray that you always find your way back to us. That you never lose faith that you are loved and deserving of that love.”

  Nicholas trembled and covered his face with his hands.

  “Oh, my boy,” he murmured as Nicholas fell into his arms, holding him close as his son sobbed in his arms.

  * * *

  Sebastian eased the door open to the room he shared with Amelia. He saw her shift under the blankets and knew she was awake, waiting to discuss the day’s events. Rarely did they fall to sleep without chatting about their day. It was one of his favorite rituals. That and having her reach for him each morning as he eased from bed, as though mourning the loss of his presence beside her.

  He slipped from his clothes and then into bed. “My love,” he murmured as he waited for her to snuggle into his embrace. “Our boy is well,” he murmured. “His time with the McLeods has been well spent.”

  She kissed his chest and fought tears. “I wish he would have come straight to us.”

  Sebastian made a soothing sound. “It would have been worse had he been stranded in the middle of a blizzard.” Sebastian breathed in deeply, his nose buried in her hair before kissing her nape. “And he’s had some time to begin to heal.” He kissed her neck, his hands stroking over her arms. “Don’t tense up, darling. I know he’ll heal at home with us too. But it’s helped him to speak with Jeremy. To have another man, who lived through a war, coaxing him through his fears.”

  Amelia made a sound of frustration, muttering her apologies as she elbowed Sebastian in his chest. She wriggled until she faced him and wrapped her arms around him. “As his mother, it’s difficult for me to acknowledge that others may be better equipped at helping him than I am. But Clarissa said much the same, so I must accept that you are both correct.”

  “Oh, my love,” Sebastian murmured, as he bent his head to kiss her. “Your love, your constancy …” Sebastian broke off as he stroked a hand over her face. “It’s the one thing he’s never worried he would lose.”

  “And your love,” she whispered. “You’ve always loved him as though he were yours. And I know you did not shy away from him tonight. I know you were as generous with him as you’ve always been.”

  “Loving someone isn’t being generous, Amelia,” he murmured as he tugged her closer to him. He chuckled as she arched into his touch. “Tomorrow we will rejoice again at Nicholas’s presence in our lives. For now, let me cherish holding you in my arms.”

  * * *

  Gabriel sighed with pleasure as he stretched his long legs out in front of him and watched the fire. Although he and Jeremy were busy at work, he continued to carve out time to spend with his friends and family. He ignored the newspaper beside him, warning of another potential war in Europe and of the Soviet problem, praying that the fragile peace would continue. He could not imagine the world thrust into another war again.

  At the creak on the floorboards, he glanced in the direction of the front hall and stairway leading to the upper floor. He smiled when he saw Sebastian hovering in the doorway. “Come in and enjoy the fire. I thought you’d be at Jeremy’s, stealing some of his fine whiskey.”

  Sebastian laughed as he walked to the sitting area, shucking his coat, hat, and scarf. “No, I’ve no desire to make the man wish we’d leave any sooner than we are.” He groaned with pleasure as he sat and warmed himself beside the fire. “You have a wonderful home, Gabe.”

  Gabriel looked around him, at the children’s hand-drawn pictures tacked to the wall, to the box of toys in the corner, and finally at the irregularly shaped blanket knitted by Clarissa on the back of the settee. He grinned at his friend. “I’ve known a few difficult times with Rissa, but we’ve come through them. And our home has always been our refuge.” He grinned as he saw his friend of nearly twenty years relax and close his eyes. “How are you, Seb?”

  “Better, now that Nickie is back. Now that Amelia’s held him in her arms again, it has eased a tension I had become so accustomed to that I hadn’t realized how great a toll it was taking on us.” He let out a deep breath. “Pray none of your sons ever have to go to war, Gabe.”

  Gabe made a sound of agreement before shuddering at the thought.

  “The mill is doing well, but, with more competition, the mines have slowed down in Butte. The demand isn’t high for copper now that the War is over.” Sebastian paused. “We’ll be fine. But I worry about the men who I might have to let go.”

  Gabriel shook his head, his hands on his belly as he crossed his feet at his ankles. “It amazes me how everything in this state, including your little mill way down the Bitterroot Valley, is affected by the goings on in Butte.”

  “Whether you like it or not, without Butte and the money it brings in, we’d be a very poor state with little industry,” Sebastian said as he yawned.

  “How could you be away from the mill for the few days you’ve been here? I’ve never seen you take more than a day off at a time in nearly twenty years.”

  Sebastian half shrugged his shoulders and then grinned at his friend. “I’ve a decent man working beneath me. And he likes the opportunity to be in charge. It’s not often, but he does a good job, and the men respect him.”

  Gabriel’s gaze filled with concern as he considered what Sebastian refrained from saying. “Will he resent the return of Nickie?”

  Heaving out a sigh, Sebastian sat up and propped his elbows on his knees as he met his friend’s worried gaze. “He says he won’t because I’ve assured him that Nickie won’t usurp his role. But I fear he doesn’t believe me.” After a moment, he lifted one shoulder, as though in resignation, and said, “Onl
y time will show I meant what I’ve said.”

  “Does Amelia understand Nickie won’t be your number two man?”

  Sebastian smiled, and his gaze filled with joy at the mention of his wife. “Yes. She trusts me implicitly with the running of the mill and has never questioned me. When we talked about it, she understood that I want Nickie to continue to work all the various roles to ensure he understands the complex running of a mill.” Sebastian gave a few slow nods. “He’s worked many of the roles for a limited time, here and there, but I want him to know instinctively what to do, should an emergency arise. And to value every member of the crew we have working with us.”

  “Why would you think he doesn’t?” Gabriel asked. “He’s always seemed an astute, empathetic lad.”

  Sebastian looked at Gabriel and sighed. “You know how loud a mill is. How can I be certain some noise won’t lead to a flashback?” His light-brown eyes filled with agony at the thought of his beloved Nicholas suffering. “I’ve woken him the past few evenings as he’s screaming in terror. I’ve held him in my arms, while he shakes and fights to return to us.” He ran a hand through his hair. “What would happen if a noise at the mill brought on one of those fits? Who might he hurt?”

  Gabriel let out a hissing breath at the prospect. “Perhaps he shouldn’t return to the mill at all.”

  “If it were summer, I’d send him into the forest. Have him work out his frustrations with an ax as he chopped down trees.” Sebastian raised his arm and pointed his fingers to winter’s icy breezes rattling the window. “That’s not practical now.”

  Sighing, Gabriel nodded. “I fear he’d have problems, even in the woods. And he could still get into trouble with the sawyers, if they saw him reacting like that.”

  Sebastian sighed and closed his eyes. “I know. I wish I could protect him from everything. But I can’t.” He opened his eyes and gazed solemnly at his friend. “Just as you can’t protect Little Colin from the reality of being deaf. All you can do is help him as he learns to interact with the world as he understands it.”

  Gabriel stiffened at the unexpected and unsolicited advice. “I was unaware you had such strong feelings about how I cared for my son.”

  “Gabe, don’t get all indignant because I have the gall to give you advice in the same manner you do me.” He gave his friend a warning look. “I’ve chatted with Amelia and then with Clarissa, and it seems you want to pursue taking the entire family east this summer to see if more can be done for Little Colin.”

  Gabriel rubbed at the muscles at the back of his neck. “Surely we can do something more for him. I refuse to accept that he shall go through life with limited to no hearing.”

  Sebastian sat beside his friend for a long moment. “What is it you said when Rory died?” he whispered. He watched as Gabriel froze at the question. “Do you remember?”

  Gabriel’s unfocused and distant gaze was aimed at a spot over Sebastian’s shoulder, filled with the memory of pain, loss, and self-hatred. After a long moment he whispered, “I would accept anything, any ailment, as long as Rory were alive.” He blinked, focusing on Sebastian.

  “You’ve been to every doctor from here to Seattle, Gabe. You’ve done all you can. There are no other treatments. The fever ruined his hearing.”

  “How can I ensure he is well, that he is taken care of, when I am gone? He is such a precious boy.”

  Sebastian shrugged. “I can’t answer that, Gabe. But I would say, after watching how fiercely Billy protects his little brother, I would not have too many fears on that score.”

  Gabriel let out a deep, stuttering breath.

  “You are not a failure, Gabe,” Sebastian said in a low, forceful voice. He nodded as Gabriel’s shattered gaze met his, tears making his blue eyes glisten. With a fond smile, Sebastian said, “I know you, and I know how you think. By somehow not preventing Little Colin from ever getting sick, from ever having a fever, you believe you failed him. You didn’t. As parents, all we can do is our best and then help our children through whatever comes afterward.”

  “That’s a hell of a thing to accept,” Gabriel muttered. He gave a chagrined smile. “Thank you for you frankness.”

  “Talk to Rissa,” Sebastian urged.

  After nodding his agreement, the two men sat in quiet contemplation as they watched the fire.

  * * *

  Gabriel sat in their bed under the covers by the time Clarissa entered their room that night. He smiled as she closed the door and began to slip pins from her hair. “Skip the routine tonight, Rissa. I need to hold you.”

  Her pleased smile faded, transforming into one of concern as she looked deeply into his gaze. After quickly shucking her gown, corset, and shift, she slipped into her nightgown and then finger-combed her hair before sliding under the covers, moving to lay on her side so she faced her husband. She wrapped an arm over his belly, tugging him close to her. “What is it that causes this tension thrumming through you?” she asked. “Whatever it is, it will be all right.”

  He let out a low groan, nestling his head in the crook of her neck. He breathed in deeply of her subtle scent, his body relaxing as he pulled her closer. “This is what I needed. To hold you. To reassure myself that you …”

  Stroking a hand over his back, she whispered into his ear as she kissed the side of his head, “I what, Gabe?” When he didn’t answer, she whispered, “That I desire being in your arms? That I long to be held by you?” She frowned as her subtle teasing didn’t elicit a chuckle. She eased away, staring deeply into his troubled blue eyes. “That I love you?”

  He rested his forehead against hers, closing his eyes for a moment. “God, how I love you, Rissa.”

  “Good,” she rasped, as she suddenly fought deep emotions. “I couldn’t manage this world if you didn’t.”

  His hold on her tightened, and he sighed. “No, that’s not it. I spoke with Seb tonight. And I was forced to realize something.” He stroked a hand down her back, his fingers tangling in her hair that she hadn’t taken the time to braid.

  “What, my love?” she whispered. “What causes you such torment?”

  He met her worried gaze and whispered, “For months now, I’ve battled this sense, this belief that I’m a failure because Little Colin is deaf.”

  Her jaw tightened, and her blue eyes flashed with anger as she pushed at him until he lay on his back, and she leaned over him. “You are not a failure, Gabriel McLeod. You work hard every day to ensure we have a wonderful home with warm clothes and food on the table. You shower us with your love, attention, and affection. We never wonder if you care.” Her eyes shone with sincerity. “I know there is nothing you wouldn’t do for us.”

  “Rissa,” he murmured, as he brushed a finger over her cheek.

  She sat a long moment, staring into his anguish filled gaze. “It’s why you want to take Little Colin to see even more specialists. Because you want to rid yourself of this feeling.” At his barely perceptible nod, she blinked rapidly as she fought tears. “Our baby is deaf, or near deaf, Gabe. No one can do anything to change that. All we can do is help him as he navigates this world.”

  She took a deep breath. “More testing will only scare him.” She paused as she gave voice to her own fears. “And I worry that, by pushing him to have more exams, to see more specialists, that he will begin to believe something is wrong with him. That we wish he were other than he is.” Her eyes filled with doubt. “And that couldn’t be further from the truth.”

  “Oh, Rissa, no,” Gabriel murmured as he pulled her into his arms, holding her close, as he buried his face in her neck and hair. “He’s perfect as he is. I wanted to protect him and to alleviate any guilt and doubt I had. It was about me.”

  “No, my love,” she whispered, “no. I know you, and I know your first concern was about Little Colin. About the life he’ll live and wanting to ensure he’ll have the best life possible. That’s not selfish, and that’s not cruel.”

  He kissed her head.

  She ran her h
ands through his hair and kissed him. “There will come a time when we will need to find a way to give him wings, Gabe. But not yet.” She kissed him again, a sigh escaping as their kiss deepened.

  “Are you all right with us not traveling to Massachusetts? With trying to accept Little Colin’s reality?” he whispered.

  “Yes, of course I am. I have no desire to return to Massachusetts, although I’m sure Geraldine would like to see where we came from at some point.” She caressed his face. “You have always been the most wonderful father, Gabe.”

  He groaned, pulling her tightly to him. “I need your faith in me.”

  “You’ll always have it,” she said with a bright smile, resting her cheek on his chest.

  Chapter 4

  Geraldine hung back as she watched her father and Sebastian laugh and groan as they hefted a trunk—full of Amelia’s recent purchases in town—into the wagon, along with the Carlins’ few suitcases, all to be delivered to the train station. However, the Carlin family members would ride to the station in the small sleigh standing at the ready. Geraldine smiled, as she could not remember a time when Sebastian and her father were not friends.

  “What amuses you?” Nicholas asked, as he stood just behind her. Nearly three weeks had passed since he had arrived at their doorstep, and the long talons of the War’s aftereffects were slowly easing their hold on Nicholas. The lost look had been replaced by a stoic resolve. His brown eyes often shone with merriment, especially when he was with Billy. Although he still needed to gain more weight, he no longer appeared emaciated.

  “I’m not amused. I’m grateful,” Geraldine said, as she turned to face him, her gaze lighting on her mother and Amelia deep in conversation. “Our fathers and mothers are wonderful friends. It makes me wish we lived closer. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t know them.”