Until... | Book 3 | Until The End

by Hamill, Ike

  # # #

  Ricky tried to argue, but it was no use. His mother had decided his fate—he was going to work and his father was going to drive him. He climbed into the passenger’s seat as his father started the engine.

  Mary had arranged everything, saying that Vernon had to drive Ricky in so he could explain something to him on the way. Ricky thought that she had arranged for Ricky to be dropped off just to guarantee that he didn’t do something stupid like driving to the airport and jumping on the next plane down to North Carolina.

  “You want to hear about the snow storm?” Vernon said. “That’s why I have to go out of my way to drop you off?”

  “This was mom’s idea.”

  “Right,” Vernon said. “Well, it was the nineteenth of January, in nineteen-ninety-one. All ones and nines—easy to remember.”

  Ricky sighed and looked through the car window at the passing terrain.

  “We were up near Farmington. It was me, your mother, Nancy, Old Bob, Paul, and Wilson. None of those other people matter though because the thing that happened was just me and Nancy. She was a bit older that me and your mom. She was one of those tough people. You could never imagine that she would ever feel uneasy. There was a quiet confidence around her like a shield. Untouchable.”

  “Dad, we don’t have much…”

  “Don’t worry. It’s not a long story. Nancy and I drew short straws and we had to go out on foot to the neighbor’s cabin because we brought everything except matches. Old Bob had a lighter, but the wheel fell out and we couldn’t find the flint. Anyhow, it was a bright day, everything was frozen, and all we had to do was follow the snowmobile tracks a half-mile. The snow was unbelievably deep that year, but the snowmobile path was hard-packed and walking was easy. It gave us a false sense of security.”

  “Is this the time you were out all night?”

  “It is,” his father said. Ricky’s prompt didn’t seem to make his father get to the point any quicker. “We were walking and talking and we heard some snowmobile’s coming from down the way. You could tell from their engines that they were running full out, and the way the path curved we knew that we had to stop to the side if we didn’t want to be run down. I was first. The loose snow on the side of the path swallowed me, but that wasn’t the worst of it. Under the loose snow, it was packed into a shape like a bowl that funneled me right down to the base of a tree. Under the branches, deep in the center, there was actually a patch of bare ground. A second after I rolled to a stop, Nancy rolled right down next to me. We were both laughing. At that point, it still seemed like it was going to turn into a funny story that we could tell the others when we got back. We didn’t know how trapped we were.”

  “The snowmobiles?”

  “We heard them go right by without dropping their speed at all. They didn’t even know that we had been up there, stepping aside to make room for them. They missed the whole thing. Nancy pushed her way under the branches and started to try to climb back out of the darkness. I was right on her heels as she tried to climb and then slid back into me on an avalanche of loose snow.”

  “How deep was it?” Ricky asked.

  “No way of knowing,” his father said. “It’s just one of those things. The snow makes these traps sometimes, especially around the bases of evergreen trees, and you don’t know how hard it is to try to get out until you’re faced with the idea that you might have to wait for spring when everything finally melts.”

  Ricky tried to picture it and he couldn’t. He opened his mouth to ask his father to explain it better, but before he could his father seemed to change the subject.

  “You feel like you’ve been in love?”

  “Sorry?” Ricky asked.

  “I’ll explain. There’s love, and then there’s a close facsimile that you think is love but it’s really just a bargaining chip.”

  “Bargaining with who?”

  “Yourself,” his father said.

  “I don’t know what that means.”

  “You ever pray?”

  Of his parents, his father was the one who had been the first to stop going to church. For a while, Ricky and George had gone with their mother, but even that stopped when she decided that keeping up appearances wasn’t as important as getting stuff done on Sunday.

  His father glanced at him and saw the confusion his question had inspired.

  “I mean like when you’re in a tight spot. Do you ever pray for your safety or someone you love?”

  “Oh. Sure, I guess.”

  “What do you really think you’re doing in that moment?”

  Ricky looked back through the car window. They were passing the gas station that made pickle sandwiches. When George was sick, it was practically all he would eat. The pickles had to be round with crinkly edges and the mustard had to be bright yellow.

  “I guess it’s a way to offload some anxiety so I can calm myself down. I ask God to take some of the burden and then everything is more clear,” Ricky said. Part of his answer was true and the rest was a guess as to what his father was trying to get at.

  “Exactly,” Vernon said. “I like to think of it as a bargain that you’re making with yourself. You’re deciding to trust yourself, provisionally, to make it through some hardship. Well the same thing can happen when you’re going through a tight spot with someone else at your side. You know that you have to trust that person, but instead of thinking it as a prayer, you call it love.”

  “Dad?”

  “Yes?”

  “Could you pull over and let me drive? I think you’re having a stroke.”

  His father laughed with him.

  “You know I’m not great with metaphors. Let me start over.”

  “Make it quick, you only have a couple of minutes until we get to the station.”

  “Right,” Vernon said. Still, he took a deep breath and composed his thoughts before he spoke again. “You went through a tight spot with Amber. I went through a tight spot with Nancy. That night, stuck in that snow pit under that tree, Nancy and I had to rely on each other in order to stay alive. By the time we were rescued, we had invested so much trust in each other that we both mistook it for love. In the days that followed, we couldn’t figure out why every minute together was torture. We felt like we owed it to each other to fall in love because we each owed our lives to the other. It wasn’t true.”

  “And you think that’s why I care so much about what happens to Amber?”

  “I’m asking you to consider the possibility,” Vernon said.

  “Could you consider a possibility for me, Dad?”

  “Sure.”

  “Could you maybe try to regard me as a rational, thoughtful person who doesn’t just act on my impulses without considering them carefully?”

  “I do,” Vernon said.

  “Do you? Slow down. We don’t like it when people speed through this turn,” Ricky said.

  His father took his foot off of the accelerator and let the car lose velocity until they were barely going half the speed limit. When Vernon cranked the wheel to pull into the parking lot, Ricky rolled his eyes and sighed.

  “Thanks, Dad. I appreciate you coasting me to work.”

  “You said you didn’t want me to go fast. What time should I pick you up.”

  Ricky didn’t answer. He was transfixed by the woman who was leaning against her car over near the entrance. He got out before his father had even pulled to a stop.

  # # #

  “Amber?” Ricky called as he jogged towards her. “You’re okay!”

  “Oh, right. Yes. Sorry. It’s been a long night and my phone won’t charge. I usually charge it wirelessly and when I went to plug in the cable, it wouldn’t go in all the way, and…”

  “But what are you doing here? What happened last night?”

  She sighed.

  “It’s a long story. Hey, sorry to show up at your work like this, but I didn’t know your address. I caught a flight to Boston and drove up in this rental.”

 
“It’s fine—don’t sweat it. Let me go inside and tell them I’m sick or something and I’ll be right back.”

  Amber laughed at him. “You can’t show up all dressed in your uniform and tell them you’re sick. Listen, I’ve been up all night anyway. Just point me in the direction of a hotel and a place where I can buy a new charger and I’ll catch up with you after your shift.”

  “Did you sell your uncle’s place?”

  “I don’t want to go there alone.”

  “Oh,” Ricky said, nodding.

  “So… I’ll just do a hotel or maybe a…”

  “Nonsense. You can’t tell me you’re in a hurry to stay in another hotel in Maine.”

  Ricky turned around and waved to his father. The car was still sitting there with the engine idling. His father was watching him through the door that Ricky had left open. Vernon’s mouth was hanging agape. When Ricky waved, Vernon shut off the car and got out to come towards them.

  “Amber, this is my father, Vernon. Dad this is Amber. Can you take her home and get her set up in the guest room? She’s been up all night and needs rest.”

  “Oh, no…” Amber started to say.

  “Absolutely,” Vernon said, taking her hand and shaking it. “Trust us, Amber, this time of year the only places open are not fit to stay in. I’ve still got time before work. I’ll get you set up at our house. Jump in.”

  “I have a car,” she said.

  “Then follow me,” Vernon said with a wave. He was already returning to his car.

  “I’m on until six,” Ricky said. “See you when I get back?”

  Amber looked between him and Vernon’s car for a moment before she nodded.

  “Great. This is great. So glad to see you back in Maine,” Ricky said with a big smile. A cloud passed over his eyes and his smile faded. “Wait—why are you back?”

  She thought about it for several seconds. Ricky was about to ask again when she finally opened her mouth to answer.

  “I’ve come to help you with your thing, and ask if you’ll help me with mine.”

  Ricky narrowed his eyes and nodded slowly. “An exchange, then?”

  “A favor for a favor.”

  “Okay,” he said. “Okay. I can do that. See you soon.”

  He backed towards the door of the building and waved before he turned.

  # # #

  For the first two hours of work—a training seminar, some paperwork, and a meeting—Ricky had to work to conceal a smile. He kept thinking of his mother taking in Amber and leading her up the stairs to Ricky’s old bedroom. When speaking to Amber, he had referred to it as the “guest room,” but she would be sleeping in the same bed that he had curled up in for the first twenty years of his life.

  By lunch, his secret smile was gone. Ricky kept hearing his father’s voice in his head.

  “We felt like we owed it to each other to fall in love because we each owed our lives to the other.”

  Amber had no feelings for him. She had told him that in both word and deed. Ricky had told himself over and over that he had no feelings for her, but he had to admit that it was a lie. Even his parents knew it.

  He was so distracted all day that by the time he walked out of the building, he just stood there, looking over the cars in the parking lot, trying to figure out what had happened to his truck.

  “You need a ride, Rick?” a woman asked. It was Bethany. She had worked for the sheriff’s office for almost two years. In the office, she was a newcomer, but compared to him she had worked there forever.

  “No, I…” he started to say. “Actually? I kinda do. I forgot that my dad dropped me off and I was about to call the house to see if someone could pick me up.”

  “You live near the West Road, right?”

  “I do.”

  “I can get you there,” Bethany said.

  She gestured to a little blue car and Ricky went around to the passenger’s door. He waited there while she organize the papers from the seat, stashed some in the glove compartment and some in the back. Finally, she unlocked the door.

  Ricky got in.

  “You mind?” she asked.

  Bethany was holding up a tin of chewing tobacco. Ricky reached for it, confused as to what she was asking.

  She laughed at him. “You’re a million miles away, aren’t you. You on drugs, Dunn?”

  “No.”

  “Then you should be.” She slapped the tin against her hand a couple of times and then scooped some of the wintergreen tobacco into her cheek. Ricky shrank against his door. He hadn’t seen anyone chew tobacco in years, and he had never had to watch someone spit into a plastic bottle before. He turned his attention to the scenery through the window as she drove with her window halfway down. The air was cold, but it helped with the smell.

  “What’s your plan, anyway?” she asked.

  “For?”

  “I don’t know—for the future, I guess. You looking to make a career or are you killing time until something better comes along.”

  “Career,” he said. It was far from the truth, but it was the only answer he was willing to give until he was better established. He had a couple more reviews to go through before he had anything near job security and he didn’t want anyone to doubt his resolve.

  “Good,” she said. “We get a lot of turnover. It sucks.”

  Ricky nodded. He kept quiet for the next few minutes while Bethany spit into her bottle and fiddled with the radio, trying to find something good to listen to. She paused when the radio said, “You’re listening to the Muh-Muh-Muh-Mountain of Pure Rock.” A song by Nirvana came on and she turned up the volume until Ricky couldn’t even hear the rushing wind anymore. He was cold, but he made no outward sign. People in the sheriff’s office didn’t ever mention when they were cold or hot. To do so was to invite immediate derision. Ricky didn’t know if that rule extended to car trips home after work, but it wouldn’t have surprised him if it did.

  The song ended and Bethany turned down the radio. Ricky glanced over and saw that her lip wasn’t bulging out anymore—the tobacco was gone.

  “I played that song for my niece’s boyfriend the other day,” Bethany said.

  “Oh yeah?”

  “He was wearing an old Nirvana shirt. Halfway through the song, he was like, ‘Who is this?’ Can you believe that?”

  Ricky shook his head and forced out a laugh.

  “No way.”

  “Wait, I bet Kurt was dead before you were even born, wasn’t he.”

  Ricky nodded. “Yeah.”

  “Wow. What’s happening to the world? Either I’m getting old, or the rest of the people are getting way too young.”

  Ricky smiled at her. Bethany wasn’t very old, in his opinion.

  “You have a girlfriend, Rick?”

  He blushed and looked down at his hands. “I… I, uh.”

  “Boyfriend?”

  “No,” he said, “neither, I guess. I do have a… I guess I have a crush on someone.”

  “At work?”

  “No,” he said quickly. “No, not at work. She’s someone that I met a few months ago. We’ve been talking. I don’t think that she feels the same way about me is all.”

  “That’s always the way. I’m one of the few people you’re ever going to meet who is completely happy all by myself. I never really understood the motivation to pair up like everyone does. It seems like a waste of energy to me. What’s her name?”

  “I’m right up here,” Ricky said.

  “Down this road?”

  “Uh, yeah, but you can let me off here. The road is muddy and torn up right now. I’ll just…”

  When he took off his seatbelt she shrugged and pulled over.

  “Thanks so much for the ride. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “Take care,” she said.

  Bethany pulled away as soon as he shut the door. Ricky stood there, waving until she was over the hill. He started walking, wondering why he had been so eager to get out of the car. It was still anothe
r mile to his parents’ house and the wind was cutting right through his jacket. Ricky hunched his shoulders and ducked his head, walking as fast as he could.

  Twelve: Amber

  Amber woke up and thought she was still asleep and dreaming. The blankets weighed heavy on her and the room was cool except for the pocket of warm air around her. Way in the distance, she heard activity downstairs against background noise that could have been a radio or a television. There was a soft glow coming through the windows from a cloudy sky. She couldn’t tell if the light was the last of the sun or maybe a rising moon. It didn’t matter for some reason. Even if it was after dark, she felt perfectly safe in a bed that was so soft that it felt like it was trying to swallow her.

  There were feet on the stairs and then a thump much closer. When the tags jingled, she remembered the dog that had followed her into the guest room and taken a spot on a small rug near the foot of the bed. Amber hadn’t even considered chasing Tucker out of the room. It was clearly more his house than hers and she didn’t mind a four-legged protector.

  There was a low knock on the door and she heard Tucker stand up and make his way in that direction.

  “Yes?” she called.

  It was Ricky’s voice that answered. “You mind if I let Tucker out? It’s his dinner time.”

  “Of course.”

  The door cracked open and soft yellow light spilled in from the hall.

  “Sleep as long as you like, but there’s dinner downstairs for you too. Unless you want to go out.”

  Amber could smell the food already. It smelled like Thanksgiving.

  “I’ll be right down.”

  Tucker left her and Amber waited a few seconds before slipping out from under the heavy blankets. The cool air felt good. She tidied the bed up and changed into fresh clothes.

  They were all together in the kitchen. Amber had met each one of them separately. Vernon she knew only from following his car. He had introduced his wife from a distance, launching Amber off to meet Mary on her own at the door.

  “I just need ten minutes to finish up before everything sets,” Mary had said that morning, gesturing to a kitchen full of glass jars that seemed to cover every surface. “I only get one shot at this candle wax and it was already soft when Vernon called, so I couldn’t break off.”