Ruin

by Samantha Towle

  “Zweus is an old friend of Mommy’s,” Gigi helpfully says.

  “We went to school together,” I clarify, leaving out the part that he was my first love, my first everything. “Zeus is in town, so we’re just catching up.”

  “What brings you to Port Washington?” Rich asks him.

  “Family.” Zeus gives me a pointed look, and I squirm in my seat.

  “Can you give us a minute?” I say to Zeus. “I just need to talk to Rich. It’s work-related.”

  Zeus makes a snorting sound but doesn’t say anything.

  I scoot out of my seat and move away from our table with Rich following me.

  I stop when we’re out of earshot of anyone and turn to Rich.

  Before I get the chance, he says quietly, “He’s her dad,” stating it, not asking.

  “How?” I ask, flabbergasted.

  “Well, I am a cop. It’s my job to notice things like that. But, honestly, it’s her eyes, Cam. She looks like you. But she has his eyes. They’re a dead giveaway.”

  I trust Rich. He’s not a gossip.

  But I still say, “Please don’t tell anyone. Gigi doesn’t know yet.”

  “You can trust me, Cam. But how the hell does Gigi not know who her father is?”

  “It’s a long story.”

  “I have time.”

  “Not now. Another time,” I tell him.

  “We still on for Wednesday?”

  I hesitate. “It’s just difficult at the moment…”

  “Okay,” he says, running a hand through his hair. “I’m off the weekend after next. How about I take you out on Friday night?”

  “We don’t do that.”

  “I think we should. I like you, Cam.”

  “Are you asking because of Zeus?” I say and immediately regret it.

  He frowns. “No. I’ve been asking you for a while now, Cam. Long before Zeus Kincaid showed up.”

  I glance down at my shoes. “Look…I like you, Rich. I do. But Gigi…she’s going to find out soon who her father is. It’s just not the right time for me to be starting anything up with anyone.”

  “We’ve been going for a while.”

  “We’ve been sleeping together,” I say quietly. “A relationship is a whole other ball game.”

  He holds my eyes. “Okay, I get it. We’ll put you and me on the burner until things calm down. But let me take you out next Friday, just as friends. You look like you could do with one right now.”

  I blow out a breath, giving in. “Okay. I’ll check with Aunt Elle and see if she’s okay with watching Gigi. I’ll text you and let you know for sure.”

  “Hastings,” a voice calls from over by the counter.

  “That’s my order. So, I’ll hear from you soon.” He touches my hand with his.

  “Yeah. I’ll text you.”

  He walks away. I watch him for a second, and then I turn around to head back to our table. My eyes clash with Zeus’s across the room.

  He looks angry.

  And, for a second, a feeling of guilt dips in my stomach. Like I’ve done something wrong.

  But I haven’t done anything wrong.

  I just had a sensible conversation with a guy who, yes, I’ve slept with, but he’s also my friend. And I need a friend right now.

  Zeus was the one who screwed someone else and then screwed me over.

  He was the one who was just getting his flirt on with our waitress.

  So, screw him.

  And, with that thought in mind, I tip my chin up and walk back over to our table.

  When I sat back down at our table, the atmosphere was a little strained between me and Zeus. But then the food arrived, and things got a little easier.

  I hope, going forward, things will be easier and not be as strained because we’re going to have to be around each other, for Gigi’s sake.

  Zeus pulls the car up outside our house.

  We get out. He helps Gigi from the car and then walks us up to our house.

  I unlock the door and open it. “Thanks for today,” I say to Zeus. “We had a nice time, didn’t we, Gigi?”

  “Yep. And fank you for Princess Twilight Sparkle.” She hugs the toy to her chest.

  “You are more than welcome.” He smiles at her.

  “Gigi, you go on inside. I’ll be there in a minute. I just need to talk to Zeus.”

  “Can I watch TV?”

  “Yes.”

  “Bye, Zweus.” She waves at him.

  He waves back. “Bye, Gigi.” His voice sounds wistful.

  I pull the door to a close once Gigi’s inside. I hear the thud of her boots being abandoned in the hallway.

  When I hear the TV come on in the living room, I start to speak, “I think today went well with you and Gigi.” Me and you, not so much. “Gigi seems to really like you.”

  “I really like her.” A smile touches his lips. “Not to be pushy, but when can I see her again?”

  “She’s at pre-K during the day tomorrow. But you can come for dinner tomorrow evening, if that works for you?”

  “Yeah. That’d be great. What time should I come?”

  “Four, if that isn’t too early. Then, you can spend some time with her before dinner, which is at five thirty. She’s usually bathed and in bed by six thirty, seven at the latest. If she doesn’t get a full night’s sleep, she’s cranky. Gigi is not a morning person.”

  “Like you,” he says.

  His words poke at the sensitive part of me that remembers why he knows. All the mornings I woke up, wrapped in his arms.

  And all the mornings since that I’ve woken up, alone and without him.

  “So, four’s okay?” I say.

  “It’s perfect.”

  “Okay, well…”

  “Thanks for today, Cam,” he says. “For letting me spend time with her. I really appreciate it.”

  “You don’t have to thank me, Zeus. You’re her…” I stop myself from saying father, as Gigi hears everything, and I don’t want to risk it. “You have as much right as I do to spend time with her,” I say in a quieter voice.

  “Yeah.” He exhales a sad sound, pushing his hand through his hair. “I know. It’s just…I don’t know.” He shrugs, looking helpless. “It’s surreal, you know.”

  I nod because I can only imagine what he’s feeling.

  “It’ll get easier,” I softly tell him.

  “Yeah. But it won’t get me back those four years.”

  There’s a brief silence between us.

  Then, I ask, “Have you spoken to Marcel?”

  He shakes his head. “I’m waiting until I’m in a place in my head where I don’t want to kill him.”

  “So, you’ll be speaking to him in about ten years?” I say.

  He laughs a sound from deep inside his chest. “Fuck, I’ve missed you, Dove,” he says, surprising the hell out of me.

  I have so many barbs on my tongue that I want to fire out, like, Well, you wouldn’t have had to miss me if you’d kept your dick in your pants, but I bite them back and keep my mouth closed.

  “I should get inside.” I take a step toward the door.

  My hand is on the handle when his voice pulls me back. “Why are you with him?”

  I turn my face to him. “Who?”

  “Deputy Dick.”

  “I’m not with him, Zeus. We’re just friends.”

  “With benefits.”

  “I’m not discussing this with you.”

  “He’s not good enough for you.”

  “And you were?”

  “No.” He steps closer to me. “I was never good enough for you. I was just selfish back then, and I wanted you so fucking much.”

  Until you didn’t.

  I laugh, a bitter sound. “So, you cheating on me and dumping me was your way of being unselfish. Wow. I’ve heard some shit in my time, Zeus, but this…” I shake my head, disgusted.

  “That’s not what I meant.”

  “No? Then, what did you mean?”

&nbs
p; Another step closer. So close that I have to tip my head back to look up into his face. He stares down into my eyes. The look in them is so intense, my insides start to tremble.

  Then, he shakes his head and takes a step back. “You’re not ready to hear it yet.”

  He starts to walk away from me.

  My heart wants me to yell at him, I’m not ready to hear what yet?

  But logic tells me to say, “I’m not interested in anything you have to say.” And that’s exactly what I do.

  He stops at my words. His back turned to me. A few beats later, he looks over his shoulder at me. “I didn’t give that waitress my number. If you were wondering.”

  “I wasn’t,” I say too quickly, giving myself away. I hate the relief I feel that he didn’t give Megan his number.

  A smile creeps onto his lips. “You always were a terrible liar, Dove. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  And yet again, he walks away from me, getting the last word in.

  It’s been almost two weeks since Zeus showed up on my doorstep and discovered that he had a daughter. He’s seen Gigi every single day. Even on Tuesday when she has a street dance class after pre-K. He asked if he could drop her off and pick her up. He also took her out alone on Sunday morning—to the movies to watch a reshowing of Tangled.

  I did chuckle at the thought of Zeus Kincaid watching a Disney princess movie.

  But it shows what he’s willing to do to be with her. I can’t fault him at his instant devotion to her. He’s fallen hook, line, and sinker for our girl.

  And she adores him, too.

  Gigi still doesn’t know that Zeus is her father. But I know we’re getting close to that time.

  Zeus hasn’t once pushed the issue with me or asked when we’re going to tell her the truth.

  I guess I’m delaying it because I’m scared of her reaction. But also because it would make it real.

  I need to be braver and tell her.

  I’m thinking this weekend will be the best time. After her morning ballet class. Zeus has asked to take her. So, we can sit down together after that and tell her.

  Zeus is here. He’s in the living room with Gigi, playing Guess Who?—the My Little Pony version. He brought it with him for her.

  It’s the only other gift he’s bought her since he got her Princess Twilight Sparkle that first day, so I don’t mind too much. She takes that toy everywhere with her. I think it’s partly because she always wanted one. But more so because Zeus bought it for her.

  I’m in the kitchen, making dinner. We’re having mac and cheese. Nothing too fancy. Zeus is staying for food, like he has every night. No Aunt Elle tonight, as she’s at the station. She’s not been home a lot lately. She’s got some big case going on.

  But she said she would watch Gigi tomorrow night for me, so I can go out for a drink with Rich.

  I guess I could’ve asked Zeus to watch her for me, but it would’ve felt weird, asking him to babysit her while I was out with Rich. Even though Rich is just a friend. I know Zeus has a problem with him. So, it’s not worth the hassle.

  It’s hard, being around Zeus so much. Our relationship is strained, but we’re cordial to each other. It’s almost like we dance around each other. We exchange pleasantries. Yeses and noes. Pleases and thank-yous. But not a real conversation.

  If I’m being truthful, I still harbor a hell of a lot of anger and resentment for how he ended our relationship. But I have to bury that, for Gigi’s sake. I have to pretend. That I never loved him. That he never broke my heart.

  It’s hard.

  I still want answers from him that I never got.

  The main questions being, Why did he do it? Why did he cheat on me?

  If he had fallen out of love with me, then why not end things with me before dipping his dick in someone else?

  I mean, I would have been heartbroken if he’d ended things with me because he didn’t love me anymore. But to know that he had sex with another woman…it destroyed me.

  And I’ve never really come to terms with those feelings. Because, a few months later, I found out that I was pregnant with Gigi and was made to believe that he wanted nothing to do with her, so my anger for him turned to hate. I hated him for abandoning his child.

  Now that I know that was never the case, my anger and resentment have swung back to what he did to me.

  And, honestly, it’s been feeling harder and harder to ignore it and pretend like I don’t feel that way when I’m around him.

  I pour the mac and cheese into a serving dish and grab the serving spoon. I carry them through to the dining room.

  “Dinner’s ready,” I call as I pass through the hallway.

  I put the mac and cheese down on the table, which I set with plates, silverware, a jug of water, and glasses before I started dinner. I head back to the kitchen to get the salad and garlic bread I prepared.

  When I bring them to the table, Gigi and Zeus are already seated next to each other, waiting for me.

  “I poured you a glass of water,” Zeus tells me.

  “Thanks,” I say.

  I put the salad and garlic bread on the table and take a seat across from them.

  Zeus dishes up mac and cheese onto Gigi’s plate for her. Then, he holds out a hand for mine. I pass my plate over and let him serve me. He hands me back my plate, and I put some salad on, too.

  Zeus piles mac and cheese on his plate. I’ve had to double up on the food I usually make, as he has a huge appetite. He always has. But then he is a big guy, and he trains a lot.

  We eat dinner, making small talk. Mainly, Gigi tells us about her day at pre-K. Zeus asks me about my day at work, so I tell him. And then I ask about his day.

  It’s all very domestic. Too familiar.

  I know it’s because he’s been spending every night eating with us. But I don’t want Gigi getting too used to it, as it won’t always be like this. Zeus won’t always be here, in Port Washington, to eat dinner with her every night.

  Maybe the sooner we tell Gigi that Zeus is her father, then we can figure out a routine for her to spend time with him. One that doesn’t necessarily have to include the three of us being together all the time.

  Mixed in with my anger toward him are also memories of the good times and reminders of why I fell in love with him all those years ago.

  I’m like an assorted bag of emotions at the moment, fit to explode, and it’s exhausting.

  “Thanks for dinner. It was amazing, like always,” Zeus says, leaning back in his seat.

  “It was just mac and cheese.” I put my fork down on my plate.

  “You make the best mac and cheese, Mommy,” Gigi says.

  I smile at her. “Thanks, baby.”

  “So, you’ve cooked dinner and fed me every night,” Zeus says. “And, as a thank-you, I want to take you out for dinner tomorrow night.”

  “Me?” I squeak, my pulse leaping.

  A lazy grin spreads across his lips. “You and Gigi.”

  “Mommy can’t go. She’s going out with her fwiend Wich, the policeman, tomorrow night.”

  Crap.

  The silence is deafening.

  It’s like a tumbleweed blowing through the dining room.

  I force myself to look at Zeus. His face is clear of expression, his eyes blank.

  I hate it when he does that. It means I can’t get a read on what he’s thinking.

  “Well, I’m not going out until eight. But…I might be eating later.”

  Rich mentioned dinner after drinks.

  “No problem,” he says, his words a little clipped. “Is it okay if I still take Gigi to dinner?”

  “Pwease, Mommy, can I go with Zweus?”

  “Of course you can,” I tell her.

  “Yay!” Gigi claps her hands together.

  “What time should I have her home?” he asks me. There’s still an edge to his voice, which is starting to annoy me.

  Why does he have such a problem with Rich?

  You know why, a little
voice whispers in my head.

  Go away, Voice.

  “Seven thirty at the latest,” I tell him.

  “And who’s watching Gigi while you’re out with Deputy Dick?”

  “Who’s Deputy Dick?” Gigi asks.

  “No one. Zeus is just being silly.” I glare at him.

  He steadily stares back at me.

  “Aunt Elle is watching her,” I tell him, my voice harder than it was.

  “Fine,” he says roughly.

  “Fine,” I echo.

  He pushes his chair out. My eyes follow him up.

  “I gotta go, Gigi girl. But I’ll be here at four thirty tomorrow to pick you up.”

  “Where we gonna eat, Zweus?”

  “You can choose.”

  “Yay!” She claps her hands together again. “I’s fink and tell you tomorrow.”

  His face softens, and he ruffles her hair with his hand. “Sounds like a plan.” He casts a glance my way. “Thanks for dinner.”

  “No problem.” I push to my feet. “I’ll see you out.”

  “No need,” he says. “I know where the door is. Bye, Gigi.”

  “Bye, Zweus.”

  I watch him leave and then sit back down in my seat, my stomach swirling with emotion.

  It’s clear that he’s pissed because I’m going out with Rich.

  And he has no right to be pissed.

  The guy cheated on me, for God’s sake!

  Even still, I feel like I did something wrong when I didn’t, and it’s not fair of him to make me feel that way.

  “Is Zweus mad, Mommy?”

  My eyes swing to her. “No, of course he isn’t.”

  “He looked angry.”

  “He’d never be angry with you.”

  “Not me, Mommy. You.”

  Crap.

  I hate that my girl is so perceptive at times.

  “I think he’s just disappointed that I can’t make dinner with you guys tomorrow night.”

  “You totally should come. Zweus and me are more fun than Wich.”

  My brows furrow. “Do you not like Rich, Gigi girl?”

  “He’s okay. But I wike Zweus more.”

  My heart clenches painfully, and I realize that maybe Gigi has been picking up on more than I thought.

  “You know that Rich is just Mommy’s friend. Like Zeus is Mommy’s friend.”