by Lois Richer
What tone? Did he have to be so sarcastic?
That tone you just used with Eli. Olivia would glare at him. Eve’s gone, Gabe. She can never be part of Eli’s life again.
Thank you. I had realized that, he’d shoot back, irritated by her criticism.
Then why are you so afraid, cowboy?
The question ended his pretend discussion. He wasn’t afraid.
Was he?
“Is Livvie comin’ to my school with us t’day?”
The question drew Gabe out of his contemplation and annoyed him.
“Olivia’s working at The Haven today, like she always does.”
“Oh.” Eli’s shoulders sagged until he was almost hunched over, like a fearful little ball.
Feeling like a bully, Gabe was ashamed.
“She couldn’t come to our supper last night, either,” Eli murmured. “I wish she coulda.”
“I’m sure she wishes she could have, too. But she had an emergency, remember?” He remembered how excited Eli had been to serve the meal they’d prepared, recalled, too, how utterly devastated Eli had been when Olivia phoned to say she had to return a homesick child to Edmonton. So now Gabe repeated the paltry words of comfort he’d offered last night. “Olivia can’t help it if she has to cancel her plans. Sometimes some of the kids she works with need her.”
“I need her, too.” At least that’s what Gabe thought Eli mumbled.
“Won’t I do?” he asked, gutted when Eli shook his head in a firm no. “Is it private?” He hated that Eli would keep something private from him.
“Kind of. Sometimes I tell Livvie ’bout stuff.” Eli peeked at him, as if worried his father would object to that.
“I’m glad you can talk to her, son.” Gabe couldn’t discourage Eli from speaking to the one person he trusted, but he felt compelled to warn him. “Olivia’s helped us both an awful lot because she’s our friend. But the thing is, she’s very busy. We don’t want to take up too much of her time.”
“Isn’t Miss Victoria’s leg never gonna get better?” Eli asked, his frustration evident.
“It will. But it takes time. So Olivia has to do all the things Victoria would do. Because we are Olivia’s friends, we don’t want to make even more work for her. Right?”
“I guess.” Eli blinked, but Gabe figured he’d understood most of it.
“That’s why I don’t want to ask her to come on our tour of the school today,” he explained. Also because I’ll be better able to focus on what your teacher’s saying if Olivia isn’t there to distract me. “Maybe we’ll have time to stop at The Haven. Then you can tell her about it before you go to Ms. Nettleworth’s place this afternoon. Okay?”
“Okay.” Eli’s eyes blazed. He straightened up, finished his cereal and tucked the bowl into the dishwasher as Gabe had shown him. “Should I go brush my teeth?”
At Gabe’s nod, Eli dashed away to complete the task. Gabe squeezed his eyes closed.
Eli’s not the only one who wants to see Olivia. So do I. But every time I’m around her I get all these feelings and it reminds me of the past. I don’t want that to happen again.
Please, God, help me understand how to deal with this churn of emotions inside.
I can’t love Olivia!
And yet he did. The knowledge had been lurking in the corners of Gabe’s brain for a while now, waiting for him to stop lying to himself. He was in love with the lovely organizer. But he didn’t want to be, didn’t want his heart vulnerable, and he sure didn’t want to ever feel that gut-wrenching sense of betrayal again. Bottom line, Gabe did not want to reexperience the weakness that love brought. The cost of being vulnerable was too high.
But what he wanted didn’t seem to matter. He still loved Olivia. He tried to push it away.
Okay, so he was supposed to forgive Eve. He’d talked to the aunties by phone yesterday, told them the whole ugly story. The aunties had texted later offering their sympathy but insisting that God expected Gabe to forgive Eve. They said only forgiveness would get rid of this iron lump of anger festering in his gut. But how exactly was he supposed to do that when even her name made him uptight, never mind thoughts of her betrayal with Eli?
Olivia would tell him to suck it up. No-nonsense Olivia. Even thinking about her made him smile. She’d become such an integral part of his world. Of Eli’s, too. In fact, she was the one who made Gabe’s world with Eli work. She was the buffer between them. The odd day when he didn’t see her seemed gray and lackluster. Olivia made life worth living.
He loved her.
Stunned by the absolute rightness of that thought, Gabe swallowed the rest of his coffee. But the dark bitter brew couldn’t erase the truth that rang through his brain. He loved her, but he would never act on it.
And yet—life without Olivia? He couldn’t wrap his brain around that without his stomach sinking to his feet.
Unsettled by his inner conflict, Gabe drove Eli to the school. The tour explained who his teacher would be and which rooms Eli would be in, however, none of it dislodged his thoughts from Olivia.
Sweet Olivia, who feared getting too involved with any of The Haven’s youth lest she hurt them. Olivia, who went out of her way to keep from hurting everyone. Olivia, who put her heart and soul into whatever she did.
Gabe drove Eli to The Haven with his jaw clenched, feeling caught between a rock and a very hard place. Yes, he loved her. Seeing her was like having the sun slide out from behind a cloud.
But love was a vulnerability he couldn’t afford. The cost was too steep.
“So how did school go?” Olivia smiled at him, then hunkered down to Eli’s eye level.
“Okay.” Eli eyed the picnic table loaded with food and drink, then surveyed the kids lounging around enjoying their lunch. “Can I have some of that?”
“Of course. Help yourself.” She waited till he hurried away. Then she scowled at Gabe. “What happened?”
“Nothing. We went to the school, Eli met his teachers, saw where he’d be sitting, and we left.” Gabe itched to follow his son and sample some of those golden chicken drumsticks before they disappeared, not because he was hungry but because that would put some distance between him and Olivia. Maybe then he could convince his brain that he couldn’t care for her. “It’s all good.”
“No, it isn’t.” She glared at him. “Eli’s not talking, not even to Mikey, and Eli always talks to Mikey. What happened?”
“Nothing.” Gabe edged toward the table. “Can I beg some lunch, too? Once I drop Eli at Ms. Nettleworth’s I’m going to have to work double time to catch up on my chores if I am to take that group of yours on a ride.”
She stared at him. Gabe could feel her gaze probing his soul.
“Chicken,” she accused darkly, glaring at him.
“Olivia—”
“Forget it. I don’t want to hear your denials again. Go eat.” She waved a hand. “I can talk to Eli later. On second thought, maybe I’ll get something, too. I missed breakfast.”
Once again the familiar concern for her he so often felt flared inside him.
“You can’t afford to do that, Olivia,” Gabe chided. “You’ve got to keep your energy up.”
“What energy?” she muttered, rolling her shoulders as if to ease tension. “I think I’m too old for this.”
“Eat. You’ll feel better.” The mundane subject allowed him to breathe. When Olivia put so little on her plate, Gabe piled up a second one to temp her. He followed her to an empty table away from the mayhem and watched her sink onto the bench.
“What I really want is this tea. I’m so thirsty.” She sipped the icy beverage, ignoring her plate, and closed her eyes. “Perfect.”
That’s when Gabe noticed the two dots of color on her cheeks.
“Are you feeling all right, Olivia?” he asked.
“No. I think I’m gett
ing a cold. A summer cold. The worst.” She wrinkled her nose in disgust before taking a tiny bite of carrots. “Also, I messed up again. One of the counselors believes I erred by not hugging Skylar after our latest discussion, the one where he agreed, again, to follow our rules.”
“What difference would you hugging him make?” The remark irritated Gabe. Olivia didn’t mess up. She was meticulous about her work and he hated that someone dared criticize her and made her doubt herself. “You were trying to make Skylar realize that he and everyone else have to obey the rules. That doesn’t require hugging.”
“She suggested hugging him might get through to him better than lecturing him.” She gave him a dour glance, silver-gray eyes narrowed when he snorted in disgust. “She’s a counselor, Gabe. She’s had lots of training. I’m sure she knows more about kids than I do.”
“Maybe,” he allowed. “But not about running The Haven. You’re taking care of every aspect that has to do with these kids because that’s your job. Hers is to work directly with the kids.” He noticed that she kept glancing around, scanning the children. Something else was going on. “You’re worried. About anything specific?”
“No.” But he knew she was because her gaze rested a long time on the boy named Skylar.
“Stop worrying.” Gabe held out his extra plate. “Eat.”
“Yes, sir.” She made a face, but when he continued to hold out the plate, she finally took half a sandwich and a slice of watermelon. After sampling each she grinned. “Thanks. Guess I was hungrier than I thought. What’s your afternoon look like?”
“Same old.” Gabe shrugged, not wanting to tell her of his phone call to the aunties. Then he’d have to tell her that this morning’s conversation with Eli had shown him he was a fool if he kept believing everything was going to work out. Gabe prided himself on not being a fool.
Clearly the past was coming between him and Eli, and even though Gabe wasn’t convinced it was possible to forgive Eve, he was beginning to accept that he had to try.
“I’d better get Eli to Ms. Nettleworth’s,” he said after checking his watch. “Thanks for lunch.”
“No problem. See you later?” When Olivia smiled at him like that, brushed his arm with her fingertips as if she really did want to see him later, Gabe felt strong, important, confident—all the things a man aspired to be, if only because he wanted to be worthy of a wonderful woman like her. All the things Gabe wasn’t because he couldn’t get past his past.
“Yeah.” He savored one last look at her lovely face, then went to find Eli. And maybe later, when he returned, he’d have another chat with Tillie and Margaret. There had to be a way to forgive Eve, even if he didn’t want to.
* * *
Olivia watched Gabe leave. She wanted to call him back but then decided she had nothing to substantiate her concerns about Skylar. Gabe was an expert with horses. He would handle whatever the boy threw at him.
Thrusting aside the worry that had clung all morning, she returned her dishes to the kitchen, checked with Adele about the trail ride dinner planned for tonight, then took attendance of each child climbing onto the bus that would drive them to the Double M ranch to attend Gabe’s riding group this afternoon.
Skylar smiled as he passed her. If there was acrimony on his part, it didn’t show. Olivia silenced her concern as she watched the bus leave. There was a lot to do today. She didn’t have time to waste on what-if.
She spent the next two hours teaching a class on hand-building pottery. What a pleasure to instruct the three girls who seemed to have no ulterior motives.
“You’ve done a great job,” she congratulated, admiring their displayed items. “Now you need to smooth off the edges more because when these dry, they’ll be very difficult to work on.”
“How fast will it dry?” Sari, a bright-eyed girl who’d blossomed into a chatterbox after the first two silent days, asked.
“Typically, we’d cover it tightly and then smooth it off in several stages as it slowly dries. But with this heat and all the wind we’ve been having, I’d suggest double covers. Tomorrow it should be dry enough to skim off a first layer. If you leave it too thick it will probably crack.”
Olivia loved teaching pottery. She’d offered this hand-building class because she’d noticed that as The Haven’s ministry grew, some youth didn’t wish to pursue riding. Some needed more personal attention or were unable physically, and some were eager to learn hobbies that they could hopefully pursue at school later.
That’s why she’d persuaded Aunt Tillie to teach a knitting class and, after much coaxing, gotten Adele’s agreement to give simple cooking lessons. Olivia strove to find each child’s niche in hopes they’d eventually open their hearts and share their struggles.
Olivia was becoming more comfortable in this area as she realized The Haven’s ministry wasn’t about her fears, but about the troubled kids who came here, about reaching them however she could. Now she was learning to pray for guidance, shove back her hesitation and grasp whatever opportunity she found while God worked things out. Slowly she began to enjoy the challenges, though each day was still a test. But thanks to her fosters aunts’ support, she was learning how to be used.
The pottery girls’ giggles filled the air. Fresh scents of mountain wildflowers and Adele’s delicious baking tickled Olivia’s nose. The murmur of her aunties’ voices as they shared tea on the patio—all these things made Olivia aware of how bleak and barren her former life had been. Avoiding kids, pouring her energy into organizing to forget her past and the guilt that still lurked in the nether regions of her mind—those past actions had never tested or fulfilled her like this work.
In her new job there would be no concerns about whether a child needed someone to listen, whether she’d failed a needy child, caused a problem or endangered some poor kid. Maybe she wouldn’t have to trust God as much, either.
Silly little daydreams about staying at The Haven had filled her head lately. Not just because then she’d see Gabe constantly, or for the blessing of having her family’s fellowship every day, or for the delight of watching Eli grow, but for reasons that encompassed everything about this place. She loved it here.
She couldn’t stay, she knew that. Victoria was in charge. There wasn’t enough work for them both and, anyway, Olivia didn’t belong here. She wanted to belong with Gabe but that, too, was a pipe dream. But couldn’t she at least stay long enough to see just one of her labors succeed? To see one child completely change for the better?
When she was gone, would the dreams stop? Olivia wondered. Dreams of Gabe and his life with Eli in their snug new home, sharing all their father-and-son firsts—first day of school, first Thanksgiving together, first Christmas. Sadness engulfed her knowing Eli would forget her as he built his place in the world, a world she wouldn’t be part of. And Gabe—did he ever wish she’d stay, be part of his world permanently? Of course that was silly. Gabe was still stuck in the past.
The girls laughed and worked together on their clay, leaving Olivia with her thoughts.
Would Gabe miss her? When the stars came out and he needed a second opinion, would he find someone else to bounce ideas off of? Would he care if he never saw her again? Would he keep praying for her after she left? Would the bond they’d built hold up when she came back for Christmas, Easter, the aunts’ birthdays? Probably not.
But Olivia knew now that wherever she went, part of her heart would remain here with Gabe. The realization that she was falling in love with him had dawned slowly over the past few weeks. Now it was rooted deep inside. Gabe was the man she loved, the real love of her life. She desperately wanted him to love her back.
Olivia knew Gabe cared for her. But each time she thought he’d finally declare his love, his bitterness against Eve came between them. She knew his long-held bitterness wouldn’t let him trust her, not as a man should trust the woman he loves. The way she yearned to be loved.
>
I guess I need to learn to trust You with Gabe, too. She smiled sadly. Everywhere she turned the lesson was trust.
“Olivia? I think something’s wrong.” Sari’s troubled voice drew her from her thoughts.
Jake, The Haven’s hired man, raced toward their pottery shed. Olivia hurried to meet him.
“What’s wrong?” she demanded.
“Don’t have all the details,” he huffed, trying to catch his breath. “Gabe phoned, said a kid, Emmet, fell off his horse and hit his head. Gabe’s at the hospital. It had something to do with that kid, Skylar.”
“I knew he was up to something.” Olivia glanced at the girls. “Can you girls clean up? Jake will help you store your pieces and take you back to the main buildings.”
“We know what to do in an emergency because you made us practice.” Sari grinned cheekily. “Go. And send Skylar home.” She was one of the kids Skylar had publicly mortified.
“Jake?” Olivia glanced at the hired man.
“Go,” he ordered.
Olivia hurried to her car, praying as she went.
Please take care of Emmet. I’m trusting You, she repeated over and over, but every time she said I’m trusting You, her heart sank a little further.
I should have stopped Skylar.
Chapter Eleven
Where was Olivia?
Gabe paced the hospital corridor, thankful his boss, Mac McDowell, had insisted that copies of permission slips for every rider from The Haven be kept on file at the ranch. Being able to bring it along meant there had been no delay in treatment of this kid.
“Gabe?” Olivia raced toward him, hair flying back, her scar puckered and reddened against the whiteness of her face. “What happened?”
“That kid, Skylar, loosened the cinch on Emmet’s saddle. They’d just begun to canter when someone yelled and next thing I knew Emmet was lying on the ground. He hit his head on a fence rail and cut his hand.” He grabbed her shoulders and hung on, hoping to soothe the terror he saw written on her face. “Emmet’s fine, Liv. The doctors are with him. I only brought him here as a precaution. I called but your phone is off,” he added, knowing he sounded testy.