The Prince and Betty

by P. G. Wodehouse

  CHAPTER IX

  MERVO CHANGES ITS CONSTITUTION

  Humor, if one looks into it, is principally a matter of retrospect. Inafter years John was wont to look back with amusement on the revolutionwhich ejected him from the throne of his ancestors. But at the time itsmirthfulness did not appeal to him. He was in a frenzy of restlessness.He wanted Betty. He wanted to see her and explain. Explanations couldnot restore him to the place he had held in her mind, but at least theywould show her that he was not the thing he had appeared.

  Mervo had become a prison. He ached for America. But, before he couldgo, this matter of the Casino must be settled. It was obvious that itcould only be settled in one way. He did not credit his subjects withthe high-mindedness that puts ideals first and money after. Thatmilitary and civilians alike would rally to a man round Mr. Scobell andthe Casino he was well aware. But this did not affect his determinationto remain till the last. If he went now, he would be like a boy whomakes a runaway ring at the doorbell. Until he should receive formalnotice of dismissal, he must stay, although every day had forty-eighthours and every hour twice its complement of weary minutes.

  So he waited, chafing, while Mervo examined the situation, turned itover in its mind, discussed it, slept upon it, discussed it again, anddisplayed generally that ponderous leisureliness which is the Mervian'sbirthright.

  Indeed, the earliest demonstration was not Mervian at all. It came fromthe visitors to the island, and consisted of a deputation of four,headed by the wizened little man, who had frowned at John in the Dutchroom on the occasion of his meeting with Betty, and a stolid individualwith a bald forehead and a walrus mustache.

  The tone of the deputation was, from the first, querulous. The wizenedman had constituted himself spokesman. He introduced the party--thewalrus as Colonel Finch, the others as Herr von Mandelbaum and Mr.Archer-Cleeve. His own name was Pugh, and the whole party, like theother visitors whom they represented, had, it seemed, come to Mervo, atgreat trouble and expense, to patronize the tables, only to find thesesuddenly, without a word of warning, withdrawn from their patronage.And what the deputation wished to know was, What did it all mean?

  "We were amazed, sir--Your Highness," said Mr. Pugh. "We could not--wecannot--understand it. The entire thing is a baffling mystery to us. Weasked the soldiers at the door. They referred us to Mr. Scobell. Weasked Mr. Scobell. He referred us to you. And now we have come, as therepresentatives of our fellow visitors to this island, to ask YourHighness what it means!"

  "Have a cigar," said John, extending the box. Mr. Pugh waved aside thepreferred gift impatiently. Not so Herr von Mandelbaum, who slidforward after the manner of one in quest of second base and retiredwith his prize to the rear of the little army once more.

  Mr. Archer-Cleeve, a young man with carefully parted fair hair and theexpression of a strayed sheep, contributed a remark.

  "No, but I say, by Jove, you know, I mean really, you know, what?"

  That was Mr. Archer-Cleeve upon the situation.

  "We have not come here for cigars," said Mr. Pugh. "We have come here,Your Highness, for an explanation."

  "Of what?" said John.

  Mr. Pugh made an impatient gesture.

  "Do you question my right to rule this massive country as I think best,Mr. Pugh?"

  "It is a high-handed proceeding," said the wizened little man.

  The walrus spoke for the first time.

  "What say?" he murmured huskily.

  "I said," repeated Mr. Pugh, raising his voice, "that it was ahigh-handed proceeding, Colonel."

  The walrus nodded heavily, in assent, with closed eyes.

  "Yah," said Herr von Mandelbaum through the smoke.

  John looked at the spokesman.

  "You are from England, Mr. Pugh?"

  "Yes, sir. I am a British citizen."

  "Suppose some enterprising person began to run a gambling hell inPiccadilly, would the authorities look on and smile?"

  "That is an entirely different matter, sir. You are quibbling. InEngland gambling is forbidden by law."

  "So it is in Mervo, Mr. Pugh."

  "Tchah!"

  "What say?" said the walrus.

  "I said 'Tchah!' Colonel."

  "Why?" said the walrus.

  "Because His Highness quibbled."

  The walrus nodded approvingly.

  "His Highness did nothing of the sort," said John. "Gambling isforbidden in Mervo for the same reason that it is forbidden in England,because it demoralizes the people."

  "This is absurd, sir. Gambling has been permitted in Mervo for nearly ayear."

  "But not by me, Mr. Pugh. The Republic certainly granted Mr. Scobell aconcession. But, when I came to the throne, it became necessary for himto get a concession from me. I refused it. Hence the closed doors."

  Mr. Archer-Cleeve once more. "But--" He paused. "Forgotten what I wasgoing to say," he said to the room at large.

  Herr von Mandelbaum made some remark at the back of his throat, but wasignored.

  John spoke again.

  "If you were a prince, Mr. Pugh, would you find it pleasant to be inthe pay of a gambling hell?"

  "That is neither here nor--"

  "On the contrary, it is, very much. I happen to have some self-respect.I've only just found it out, it's true, but it's there all right. Idon't want to be a prince--take it from me, it's a much overratedprofession--but if I've got to be one, I'll specialize. I won't combineit with being a bunco steerer on the side. As long as I am on thethrone, this high-toned crap-shooting will continue a back number."

  "What say?" said the walrus.

  "I said that, while I am on the throne here, people who feel itnecessary to chant 'Come, little seven!' must do it elsewhere."

  "I don't understand you," said Mr. Pugh. "Your remarks are absolutelyunintelligible."

  "Never mind. My actions speak for themselves. It doesn't matter how Idescribe it--what it comes to is that the Casino is closed. You canfollow that? Mervo is no longer running wide open. The lid is on."

  "Then let me tell you, sir--" Mr. Pugh brought a bony fist down with athump on the table--"that you are playing with fire. Understand me,sir, we are not here to threaten. We are a peaceful deputation ofvisitors. But I have observed your people, sir. I have watched themnarrowly. And let me tell you that you are walking on a volcano.Already there are signs of grave discontent."

  "Already!" cried John. "Already's good. I guess they call it going somein this infernal country if they can keep awake long enough to takeaction within a year after a thing has happened. I don't know if youhave any influence with the populace, Mr. Pugh--you seem a pretty warmand important sort of person--but, if you have, do please ask them as afavor to me to get a move on. It's no good saying that I'm walking on avolcano. I'm from Missouri. I want to be shown. Let's see this volcano.Bring it out and make it trot around."

  "You may jest--"

  "Who's jesting? I'm not. It's a mighty serious thing for me. I want toget away. The only thing that's keeping me in this forsaken place isthis delay. These people are obviously going to fire me sooner orlater. Why on earth can't they do it at once?"

  "What say?" said the walrus.

  "You may well ask, Colonel," said Mr. Pugh, staring amazed at John."His Highness appears completely to have lost his senses."

  The walrus looked at John as if expecting some demonstration ofpractical insanity, but, finding him outwardly calm, closed his eyesand nodded heavily again.

  "I must say, don't you know," said Mr. Archer-Cleeve, "it beats me,what?"

  The entire deputation seemed to consider that John's last speech neededfootnotes.

  John was in no mood to supply them. His patience was exhausted.

  "I guess we'll call this conference finished," he said. "You've beentold all you came to find out,--my reason for closing the Casino. If itdoesn't strike you as a satisfactory reason, that's up to you. Do whatyou like about it. The one thing you may take as a solid fact--and youcan spread it around the
town as much as ever you please--is that it isclosed, and is not going to be reopened while I'm ruler here."

  The deputation then withdrew, reluctantly.

  * * * * *

  On the following morning there came a note from Mr. Scobell. It wasbrief. "Come on down before the shooting begins," it ran. John tore itup.

  It was on the same evening that definite hostilities may be said tohave begun.

  Between the Palace and the market-place there was a narrow street offlagged stone, which was busy during the early part of the day butdeserted after sundown. Along this street, at about seven o'clock, Johnwas strolling with a cigarette, when he was aware of a man crouching,with his back toward him. So absorbed was the man in something which hewas writing on the stones that he did not hear John's approach, and thelatter, coming up from behind was enabled to see over his shoulder. Inlarge letters of chalk he read the words: _"Conspuez le Prince."_

  John's knowledge of French was not profound, but he could understandthis, and it annoyed him.

  As he looked, the man, squatting on his heels, bent forward to touchup one of the letters. If he had been deliberately posing, he couldnot have assumed a more convenient attitude.

  John had been a footballer before he was a prince. The temptation wastoo much for him. He drew back his foot--

  There was a howl and a thud, and John resumed his stroll. The first gunfrom Fort Sumter had been fired.

  * * * * *

  Early next morning a window at the rear of the palace was broken by astone, and toward noon one of the soldiers on guard in front of theCasino was narrowly missed by an anonymous orange. For Mervo this waspractically equivalent to the attack on the Bastille, and John, whenthe report of the atrocities was brought to him, became hopeful.

  But the effort seemed temporarily to have exhausted the fury of themob. The rest of that day and the whole of the next passed withoutsensation.

  After breakfast on the following morning Mr. Crump paid a visit to thePalace. John was glad to see him. The staff of the Palace were loyal,but considered as cheery companions, they were handicapped by the factthat they spoke no English, while John spoke no French.

  Mr. Crump was the bearer of another note from Mr. Scobell. This timeJohn tore it up unread, and, turning to the secretary, invited him tosit down and make himself at home.

  Sipping a cocktail and smoking one of John's cigars, Mr. Crump becameconfidential.

  "This is a queer business," he said. "Old Ben is chewing pieces out ofthe furniture up there. He's mad clean through. He's losing money allthe while the people are making up their minds about this thing, and itbeats him why they're so slow."

  "It beats me, too. I don't believe these hook-worm victims ever turnedmy father out. Or, if they did, somebody must have injected radium intothem first. I'll give them another couple of days, and, if they haven'tfixed it by then, I'll go, and leave them to do what they like aboutit."

  "Go! Do you want to go?"

  "Of course I want to go! Do you think I like stringing along in thismusical comedy island? I'm crazy to get back to America. I don't blameyou, Crump, because it was not your fault, but, by George! if I hadknown what you were letting me in for when you carried me off here, I'dhave called up the police reserves. Hello! What's this?"

  He rose to his feet as the sound of agitated voices came from the otherside of the door. The next moment it flew open, revealing GeneralPoineau and an assorted group of footmen and other domestics.Excitement seemed to be in the air.

  General Poineau rushed forward into the room, and flung his arms abovehis head. Then he dropped them to his side, and shrugged his shoulders,finishing in an attitude reminiscent of Plate 6 ("Despair") in "TheHome Reciter."

  "_Mon Prince!"_ he moaned.

  A perfect avalanche of French burst from the group outside the door.

  "Crump!" cried John. "Stand by me, Crump! Get busy! This is where youmake your big play. Never mind the chorus gentlemen in the passage.Concentrate yourself on Poineau. What's he talking about? I believehe's come to tell me the people have wakened up. Offer him a cocktail.What's the French for corpse-reviver? Get busy, Crump."

  The general had begun to speak rapidly, with a wealth of gestures. Itastonished John that Mr. Crump could follow the harangue as apparentlyhe did.

  "Well?" said John.

  Mr. Crump looked grave.

  "He says there is a large mob in the market-place. They are talking--"

  "They would be!"

  "--of moving in force on the Palace. The Palace Guards have gone overto the people. General Poineau urges you to disguise yourself andescape while there is time. You will be safe at his villa till theexcitement subsides, when you can be smuggled over to France during thenight--"

  "Not for mine," said John, shaking his head. "It's mighty good of you,General, and I appreciate it, but I can't wait till night. The boatleaves for Marseilles in another hour. I'll catch that. I can manage itcomfortably. I'll go up and pack my grip. Crump, entertain the Generalwhile I'm gone, will you? I won't be a moment."

  But as he left the room there came through the open window the mutterof a crowd. He stopped. General Poineau whipped out his sword, andbrought it to the salute. John patted him on the shoulder.

  "You're a sport, General," he said, "but we sha'n't want it. Comealong, Crump. Come and help me address the multitude."

  The window of the room looked out on to a square. There was a smallbalcony with a stone parapet. As John stepped out, a howl of rage burstfrom the mob.

  John walked on to the balcony, and stood looking down on them, restinghis arms on the parapet. The howl was repeated, and from somewhere atthe back of the crowd came the sharp crack of a rifle, and a shot, thefirst and last of the campaign, clipped a strip of flannel from thecollar of his coat and splashed against the wall.

  A broad smile spread over his face.

  If he had studied for a year, he could not have hit on a swifter ormore effective method of quieting the mob. There was something soengaging and friendly in his smile that the howling died away and fiststhat has been shaken unclenched themselves and fell. There was anexpectant silence in the square.

  John beckoned to Crump, who came on to the balcony with somereluctance, being mistrustful of the unseen sportsman with the rifle.

  "Tell 'em it's all right, Crump, and that there's no call for any fuss.From their manner I gather that I am no longer needed on this throne.Ask them if that's right?"

  A small man, who appeared to be in command of the crowd, steppedforward as the secretary finished speaking, and shouted some wordswhich drew a murmur of approval from his followers.

  "He wants to know," interpreted Mr. Crump, "if you will allow theCasino to open again."

  "Tell him no, but add that I shall be tickled to death to abdicate, ifthat's what they want. Speed them up, old man. Tell them to make uptheir minds on the jump, because I want to catch that boat. Don't letthem get to discussing it, or they'll stand there talking till sunset.Yes or no. That's the idea."

  There was a moment's surprised silence when Mr. Crump had spoken. TheMervian mind was unused to being hustled in this way. Then a voiceshouted, as it were tentatively, "_Vive la Republique!"_ and atonce the cry was taken up on all sides.

  John beamed down on them.

  "That's right," he said. "Bully! I knew you could get a move on asquick as anyone else, if you gave your minds to it. This is what I callsomething like a revolution. It's a model to every country in theworld. But I guess we must close down the entertainment now, or I shallbe missing the boat. Will you tell them, Crump, that any citizen whocares for a drink and a cigar will find it in the Palace. Tell thehousehold staff to stand by to pull corks. It's dry workrevolutionizing. And now I really must be going. I've run it mightyfine. Slip one of these fellows down there half a dollar and send himto fetch a cab. I must step lively."

  * * * * *

  Five minutes late
r the revolutionists, obviously embarrassed and ill atease, were sheepishly gulping down their refreshment beneath the stonyeye of the majordomo and his assistants, while upstairs in the statebedroom the deposed Prince was whistling "Dixie" and packing the royalpajamas into a suitcase.