You’re probably the only person he knows.
I am. It’s sad. He gets absolutely nothing.
You’re not going to gamer sessions.
Burrito clowns know a lot more about gaming.
Then he should go to those and leave me alone!
Did you ditch him?
No, I’m in the bathroom.
You’re texting me from the toilet?
Ew, no, this is a populated place with limited restroom facilities and I’m deeply uncomfortable around urinals.
???
I’m in line, duh.
Ahhhh.
But what about you?
What about me?
How are things going with your parents?
Don’t know.
What?
I left the house early this morning rather than watch the fuse burn.
You ditched them?
I guess.
Are YOU going to ditch HIM?
No, he’s just so lost.
He’s like a puppy.
Poor puppy burrito clown.
Ha, yeah.
It doesn’t sound like he’s even going to Chloe’s party later.
But EVERYONE’S going to Chloe’s party.
Har, har.
Fine, it’s still just weird.
Like, I don’t know what to talk to him about.
What do you talk to me about?
That’s not the same.
You’d be surprised.
How’s your night going?
Not what I was expecting.
Same here.
I’m still with the burrito clown.
He keeps asking who people are.
Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do at these things?
Yeah, but …
I’m kinda making stuff up.
You’re giving bad info?
I mean, I mostly know who everyone is, at least where they’re from.
Sorta.
I don’t feel so bad anymore
About what?
Nothing.
He went to the bathroom.
Maybe he’ll ditch me.
Doubt it.
How did this become my life?
You only have yourself to blame.
URGH.
He came back!
Isn’t today the last day?
Yeah. I figured he was just pulling a tourist.
Or would at least have to go to church or something.
Maybe he’s genuinely interested
Or maybe he got time off for good behavior.
He’s texting again.
I’m not even going to dignify that.
Kill me now!
My parents found out about him.
This is how I die.
Mortification.
Oh, you’re probably at church.
Still.
If I’m dead when you get back, avenge me.
Your mother’s nice.
THAT’S ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY?
…
It’s not as bad as you think?
THEY INVITED HIM TO EAT WITH US.
You already know he’s capable of that!!!
We’re getting pizza.
Not burritos.
He may not survive.
What teenage boy doesn’t eat pizza?
You are no help at all.
It’s not in my interest to help.
I hate you all.
I hate everyone named Martin ever.
Martin Van Buren? Dead to me.
Technically he’s been dead to everyone a REALLY long time
Not talking to you!
I’m not going to survive.
I need you to call me and pretend you’re dying.
HE KEEPS SMILING AT HIS PHONE.
I can’t do this.
Maybe I should choke on the pizza when it gets here.
MY DAD IS ORDERING APPETIZERS.
This is never going to end.
At least he’s not mentioning his grandfather. That’d be a conversation that never ended.
Great, he mentioned you guys play WoW.
And he’s a Paladin too??? Well, there goes that conversation.
My dad’s in love with him now.
AND … HE JUST INVITED HIM TO THE BARBECUE.
I GIVE UP.
I know it’s almost plug-in, but are you better now?
I am never going to be better again.
And I don’t have to plug in till 10. I thought I told you that.
You’re not using all caps
That’s something.
When did this change?
I get an extra half hour in summer.
My parents are just too good to me.
So I’m not bothering you.
I don’t know if I’d go that far …
Your sarcasm has gone into overdrive.
This must be worse than I thought.
I have to distract you so you don’t run away and join the circus or something before tomorrow.
Ooh, that’s not a terrible idea.
It IS a terrible idea.
Plus imagine how many real maniac clowns you’d meet in the circus.
Yes, but it wouldn’t be THIS maniac clown.
Doesn’t your family have a big giant party thing tomorrow?
Shouldn’t this burrito clown be going to that instead?
Normally yes.
Not this year.
Why is my life the worst?
It’s not.
It is.
You really didn’t enjoy yourself even a little bit this weekend?
That’s the worst part.
He’s actually really nice.
And that’s bad?
Like, he even laughs at my jokes.
At the right parts.
I can’t deal.
So being nice and getting your jokes is bad???
THE
WORST
EVER
I really don’t get it.
I can’t hate him when he’s like that.
You still want to?
I’m doing my best.
That seems …
Weird?
Short-sighted?
Petty?
Childish?
Yes. I am every one of those things and more.
How about extreme?
I thought I explained it to you, but you still don’t understand.
I REALLY don’t.
I can keep my best friend or be nice to this random, unimportant dude. It doesn’t seem like much of a choice.
Are you going to be mean tomorrow?
No.
That’s what’s worse than the worst.
You had fun!
I knew it.
I did.
Does this mean you’re reevaluating those random and unimportant labels?
What is with you Martins?
It’s all a giant plot against you
Wearing you down one day at a time.
What about you? What’d you do this weekend?
Stuff.
Did you talk to anyone last night?
Of course
She was super smart
Knew everyone
Or at least pretended she did.
She?
Jealous?
No.
Do I know her?
If I knew you … you’d know her.
This is doing nothing to help my hatred of Martins.
Martins are not that bad.
I know.
I’m just …
???
Nothing. It’s nothing.
I’m being ridiculous.
Tell me about this barbecue.
It’s nothing big.
Just my dad cooking all the meat in the entire world and us trying to eat as much as we can.
And what we don’t eat my mom will frantically try to send home with everyone.
Who wouldn’t want to go to that???
I guess.
But my
uncles will be there.
And that’s bad.
Well, my mom’s brother is. He’s SOOOO embarrassing.
Like, fifteen-thousand Os.
And your other uncles?
Only one other uncle this time.
He’s actually my dad’s friend.
And my uncle’s friend.
He’s only five-thousand Os embarrassing.
Will your cousins be there?
Yeah, and my aunt.
Oooh, I hope the clown doesn’t try to eat all the chicken wings.
My aunt might stab him with a fork.
Oh, wait, maybe I hope he does.
So violent!
It’s every person for themselves here.
I make no apologies.
Yeah you do.
Okay, yeah, I apologize constantly.
But it would be funny.
Plus, if word of bloodshed got back to Sarah and Chloe, I could have a reasonable excuse.
Oh crap, Lexi’s going to stop by.
What am I going to say to her?
The truth???
He followed me home like a burrito clown puppy?
I don’t know if I’d put it that way.
You’re right.
But they WILL hear about it.
SO???
Ugh, I don’t know what’s going to happen.
This is going to explode.
I just know it.
It won’t explode
You’re going to be fine.
No freaking out.
It’s way too late for that.
I’m well into freaking out.
You’re fine
I’m fine
This is all fine.
You say that.
But you are safe. Far away in cyberspace.
Trust the all-knowing Martin.
Trust?
HA!
No thank you.
This is going to turn out all right
I promise.
I hope so.
Still breathing?
You’re not funny!
Everyone will be here in like two hours.
Well, except my cousins, they’ll be here soon.
Why are they so special?
They’re toddlers. They get to show up whenever they want.
But also there will absolutely be a nap this time, so they need to get here so we can feed them and then put them to bed.
Does everyone get a nap time or just them?
I wish.
I barely slept last night.
Is it really that bad?
No.
Yes.
No.
Not really.
I’m just …
What if Chloe finds out?
What if Sarah finds out?
What if Lexi tells them?
What if they all freak out?
Trust me
They won’t.
What’s that supposed to mean?
Nothing
Just don’t freak and they won’t freak and everything will be all right.
I wish I believed that.
Just breathe.
OK?
He’s not here yet.
Lexi is, though … with about a metric ton of cookies.
Oh, plus, turns out you’re right.
I guess Sarah and Chloe are going to some church thing today and Gabe will be there.
He was at Chloe’s party and they talked and one thing led to another or something and he and Chloe got together or are getting together or whatever.
Are you at that church thing? Could you figure out what’s going on? See how safe I am?
No, wait, scratch that.
I agreed. You’re my internet friend who wouldn’t know these people and not someone I can use for my own ends.
Forget I said anything.
Ugh, the burrito clown is here.
Okay, gotta go have the world’s most embarrassing family party.
Later.
I SURVIVED!
You did!
Oh, are you back?
Yeah.
Are you going to see the fireworks?
Getting ready now.
Oh, that’s cool.
Very not cool.
Step2 called
She’ll be back Friday.
The timer for the explosion is now set.
I can hear the clock ticking in the background.
Okay, that sucks.
I’m sorry.
Don’t be.
You helped me forget about it for a while.
And you’re really not going to fireworks?
OMG! Why will no one leave me alone about that?
It’s kinda weird.
I am not a fan of the explosions or gunpowder or anything.
But they’re so pretty!
Not pretty enough.
They’re not pretty like thunderstorms.
You like thunderstorms
But you don’t like fireworks?
I trust nature more than people. What can I say?
Fair.
But still un-American.
Uh, no, it’s not.
It’s just not modern American.
I can guarantee you Benjamin Franklin would be on my side about going out and blowing things up.
You think so?
He suggested the turkey over the bald eagle.
One will mess you up and the other will steal from you.
Except bald eagles are majestic like fireworks.
They’re carrion birds.
Turkeys are hardcore.
And explosions are unnecessarily dangerous.
If you say so.
I do.
You realize you’re talking about a dude who flew a kite in a thunderstorm in hopes of electrocuting himself.
Oh dear sweet boy, I bet you believe George Washington really cut down a cherry tree too.
He didn’t?
Nope.
You need to stop reading your news feed. It’s teaching you bad things.
It’s teaching me TRUE things. That’s more important.
This is positively un-American.
If the truth is un-American, I don’t want to be right.
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