The End of the Innocence

by Jason Zandri

  “It was fine,” she said. “No changing the subject to me and my night; I want to know what happened with you.”

  Matthew looked at her but said nothing. After a moment, Melissa said,

  “Stop doing that.”

  “What?” Matthew asked.

  “You stare at me. I swear you look at me and calculate an entire conversation with me, one-sided, in your head.”

  “I don’t do that,” Matthew said.

  “Prove it,” Melissa snapped. “Rattle off every thought that just went through your head about my homecoming evening.”

  “Never mind; forget it,” he said.

  “No. No, you don’t get off that easy.”

  “Okay, fine,” he said, moving and sitting up against the headboard of his bed, and then folding his legs upward. “I was going to go with ‘uneventful evening’ at first because you didn’t tell me anything about the night. You usually slip with me and tell me stuff as if I’m one of your girlfriends. Absent that, you generally offer something, even if the event was mediocre.”

  Matthew paused. “Are you sure you want me to finish?”

  Melissa drew in a deep breath. “Go ahead.”

  “Because you didn’t offer anything at all and you didn’t mention him coming here for a while, even just for dessert, or you going there, I assume it’s worse than mediocre. It must have been critical. Was it fatal?”

  Melissa wiped a tear away from her eye. “All I wanted was a nice night.

  He was late picking me up. He didn’t get me any flowers, not even an inexpensive little arrangement or anything. He didn’t hold the door or wait up for me once we were inside. It was like, showing up with a date was all he was concerned about, and since he was there with me in that capacity, he was all set.”

  Matthew moved forward and put his hand on her knee. “I’m sorry about your evening not going the way you wanted it to. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

  Melissa sniffed, and Matthew wiped the tears from her face while she continued. “Then he was pissed off I wouldn’t put out in the car. I was beside myself even to kiss him good night; if he thought I was going to lose my virginity to him in the backseat of his Ford after that pitiful display … yeah, it was fatal. We’re done.”

  Matthew moved next to her on the bed and hugged her.

  “See what I mean?” she said a minute later, wrapping her arms around his waist. “You almost didn’t need to talk to me at all. You look at people and see right through them.”

  “It was a fluke,” Matthew said.

  ‘You do it all the time.” Melissa moved and partly climbed into his lap, draping her legs across his. “It’s unnerving.” Matthew pulled her in tighter to hold her securely. With her legs and feet off to one side, he held her head with one arm wrapped around her back to support it and the other mostly around her opposite arm so that his hand rested against her hair.

  They sat for a short while and said nothing to each other. Eventually, Melissa broke the silence.

  “Boylan’s,” she said.

  Matthew let out a small laugh. “You were thinking that too?”

  Melissa nodded. “The last time you held me like this; it was after everything at the house with my Mom and Joe. We sat on the front stoop for over an hour. It was cold out, but I wasn’t cold in your lap. We didn’t move, I never looked up, and you never let go.”

  “You held me so tight I thought you were going to break one of my ribs. I don’t think I could have gotten up to leave even if I wanted.”

  Melissa looked up at him then tipped her head back down and snugged her grip on him tighter. “I’m sorry; I wanted to talk about you, and we ended up talking about me.”

  “Clearly this is bothering you and you needed to get this out,” Matthew said.

  “Promise me that later you’ll talk to me?”

  “We can figure all that out soon enough, okay?” Matthew moved to get more comfortable.

  “Okay,” Melissa said.

  Matthew said nothing further and simply held her.

  ***

  Well after dinner and into the early evening, Matthew and Melissa sat on the couch in the rec room watching the television while Diane, Karen, and Mark sat adjacent and enjoyed their mixed drinks.

  “I have to tell you both again,” Mark said, looking at Diane and then Karen. “That was another fantastic meal. Can’t wait for Christmas.”

  Karen smiled. “If you keep eating well like this, you’ll not only be spoiled but you’re likely to put on weight.”

  Mark laughed. “I’ll risk it,” he said. “Say, Diane …”

  Diane didn’t respond because her focus was back toward her sister and Matthew. Karen reached over and touched her arm, then tipped her head to Mark.

  “Oh. I’m sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.”

  “It’s okay. You’ve been preoccupied on and off for a bit tonight; everything okay?” Mark asked.

  Diane looked back at Melissa and Matthew, and then turned to Mark and her mother. “I guess the homecoming dance didn’t go all that well for

  Missy,” Diane said, lowering her voice so it didn’t carry over the television.

  “I hadn’t heard,” Karen said. “Of course, Missy has been sharing less and less with me; I guess that last bastion of being her chief confidant is gone.”

  Mark said, “Matthew seemed to indicate things went well over at Lyman Hall for him and his girlfriend. I didn’t get a lot as far as details go, but he was in a bit later than I figured him for and he was in a good mood afterward.

  Hopefully, if he had a lot of fun, he was smart about it.”

  Karen looked over at Mark and her expression changed.

  “Sorry; I know it’s different having a son over daughters, but at the end of the day they are young adults,” Mark said, and then took another sip from his drink.

  “Melissa is still seventeen,” Karen said, adjusting her seat. “And, if I’m not mistaken, isn’t that young girl that Matthew is seeing also still only seventeen?”

  “Mom,” Diane said. “Yes, but they will be eighteen soon, the both of them. At some point, the threshold gets crossed. It’s stupid for it to be a set chronological number when it should be a maturity thing.”

  “Well, I hope if the two of you are lucky enough to have children, once you’re formally married, and if it is a girl, that you are as liberal in your thinking then as you seem to be today.” Karen finished off her drink.

  “Did you want another one?” Mark asked.

  “If we’re going to talk about my baby girl having sex, then yes, and make it a double,” Karen said, easing her tone some so they both knew she felt amenable to the conversation and not as upset as she might have sounded.

  “Well, Mom,” Diane said quietly. “I talked to Missy. At the end of the night, the guy made a pass at her for that, and she declined it.”

  “Well, good for her,” Karen said.

  “It’s also part of the reason she’s not seeing him anymore,” Diane said, and then downed the last of her drink and motioned the empty glass to Mark.

  “Believe it or not, I think she might have wanted to if the evening went better.”

  “With that Paul guy?” Mark asked.

  “From the conversation I had with her, I think she wanted to feel that type of connection and closeness to someone; to a man. If she could ‘pick off a tree,’ so to speak, she would choose differently.”

  “Are you saying she misses that connection to men and it’s my fault?”

  Karen said. “I tried so hard to find a good male role model, someone who

  could be involved positively with you girls, especially at first when you were both younger. When that never happened, then yes, I selfishly tried to find someone, anyone, for myself.”

  Mark stayed silent, making fresh drinks for the two of them and topping his off.

  Diane leaned over and touched her mother’s hand. “I’m not saying anything to make you feel bad or to suggest you could have done mo
re or something better. I’m explaining why I think she’s reaching a point where she almost craves it.”

  “Not for anything,” Mark said, sliding the drinks over. “I think that’s why Matthew remains somewhat emotionally disconnected and distant. I’m by no means perfect. I did the best I could raising him, and believe it or not, all this time dating Diane probably softened some of the distrust he’s had towards women because of his mother. But honestly, I think the age difference being as shallow as it is, there are times where Matthew almost views Diane as an older peer rather than a female parental influence.”

  “The world is an imperfect place,” Karen said.

  “We are the sum of all our experiences,” Mark said as he sat. “How we move forward from that sum is totally up to the individual. I can’t keep a constant vigil on Matthew; I never could as a single parent, and even with Diane’s help after we became established together, Matthew’s will was just too strong. The road he’s on is where he wants to be, and if he’s to make any course corrections, they will have to be on his terms.”

  ***

  The evening grew late. Karen had taken her leave earlier and asked Mark if Melissa could stay and finish the movie with Matthew. He’d felt fine with it, and Diane said she would either cover her up on the couch or bring her back.

  When they got ready to end their evening, Mark and Diane went back into the rec room. At the bottom of the stairs, they looked over to the snowy picture on the television screen.

  “The tape must have ended,” Mark said in a whisper.

  “They fell asleep,” Diane said, and then walked past and shut off the television and VCR. She pulled the tape out and put it in the rewinder. Then she looked at the receipt, the additional movies in the bag, and at last down to her watch. “These don’t have to go back to Mad Mike’s until Sunday.”

  Mark waved his hand. “Should I wake up Matthew so he goes to bed, and

  you cover Melissa here, or did you want to wake her and take her home?”

  Diane looked over at the two of them on the couch. Matthew sat on the near end with his feet by the front edge of the couch, and her sister sat behind them with her head resting on his shoulder.

  “I think we could just leave them,” Diane said, taking the Afghan off the ottoman and draping it over them.

  “Do you think that’s smart? Your mother will kill me if she finds out we encouraged that by not waking them.”

  “It wouldn’t be the first homicide by in-law,” Diane said with a smile.

  Mark shook his head.

  “Look.” Diane came back over to him. “Missy could use the closeness to someone, even if it’s platonic. In fact, given some of the emotional things she’s going through, that’s the only thing she should be doing. Matthew is a gentleman, from your good parenting. Even if he were single, he wouldn’t take advantage. He’s dating someone, and so won’t just for that reason, forgetting all the others. It might even be good for him, too. That closeness to someone who genuinely cares for him. What’s the worst that could happen?

  They eventually end up together?”

  Mark said nothing at first and looked at the two of them. He rubbed his face, collected his thoughts, and then turned to Diane. “I hope you’re right. I almost feel like I’m meddling. I want them both to be well-adjusted adults.”

  “Matthew is; he’s eighteen. Melissa basically is, and honestly, you’re forty-two, and there are days you’re not as well-adjusted as you’d like to think you are, and that’s okay. You deal with those days as best as you can.”

  Diane stepped over and kissed her sister on the forehead.

  “Sleep well, little sister; your whole life is still in front of you. Focus only on the morning sunshine when you wake up.”

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  Melissa stirred a little and eased her eyes open. The room looked dim, and she felt disoriented from her sleep. Then it dawned on her that she wasn’t in her bed and that someone lay next to her.

  She jerked back, and her abrupt movement caused Matthew to stir. She froze and looked at him. Her heart raced. What had happened? Why would the adults leave them here like this? She stayed perfectly still until her tension eased. Then she looked at her clothes and felt relieved to find herself still fully dressed. She looked over at Matthew and saw he was as well.

  The anxiety left her, and she calmed. Melissa smiled and looked at him while he slept. For a moment, she sat and watched his chest rise and fall.

  Then she reached over and moved a stray strand of hair on the side of his head.

  A slight creaking noise had her turn her head. Her sister sat on the stairs.

  Melissa pointed up the stairs, and Diane nodded.

  Melissa covered Matthew, and then turned her head to make sure Diane had left. Once she’d made sure, she kissed Matthew gently, and then dashed upstairs.

  “How did you talk Mom into leaving me there like that?” Melissa asked while closing the basement door behind her.

  Diane smiled and took the coffee out of the cabinet. “We told her I’d either bring you back after the movie or, if you fell asleep, we’d leave you where you were.”

  “You said it just like that? ‘Mom, if she falls asleep, I’ll just cover her where she is and bring her back in the morning.’ I’m sure you left out the part about Matthew being on top of me,” Melissa said in a snarky tone.

  “Technically, you were on top of him,” Diane said with a grin.

  “Semantics. You slept with him.”

  “Are you crazy? He has a girlfriend. She’ll be pissed,” Melissa said in a loud whisper.

  Diane chuckled and looked at the time. “Do you want any coffee? I can make extra.”

  “No, I don’t drink it.” Melissa’s head swam. “Does Matthew?”

  “Sometimes,” Diane said. “If I ask him if he wants some, and he’s not in a rush, he’ll drink it.”

  Melissa looked about the kitchen, and then ran her fingers through her hair. “How does he like it?” she asked, and a light flush suffused her cheeks.

  “What was that?” Diane said with an even bigger grin.

  “You know what I asked,” Melissa said with a slight huff. “I asked you how he likes it.”

  Diane almost couldn’t control her grin, and her shoulders shook. “Two sugars, and some milk. Not too light.”

  “What’s so funny?” Melissa asked while she stepped into the adjacent dining room to get a brush out of her purse.

  “Your entire reaction to him right now; you’re doting on him.”

  “No, I’m not,” Melissa said.

  “Come on,” Diane said good-naturedly. “You woke up next to him. I’m sure you were startled at first, but once you had your bearings, you realized how warm and comfortable you felt.”

  “He’s got a girlfriend; that’s it. I can’t go there,” Melissa said.

  “You’re right.” Diane shifted her tone. “The right thing is to stay clear as I mentioned before. At the same time, you need to admit to the way you feel.”

  Melissa got upset. “I know how I feel.”

  “Then why do you always avoid him?” Diane stepped forward and looked down the hall to make sure Mark hadn’t woken.

  “I did tell you all this before. What if I say or do something, and things don’t work out? What if that ruined our friendship?”

  Diane said nothing while Melissa paused in her thoughts. She stepped away to tend to the coffee.

  “I’d rather have Matthew at a distance than to have it all end somehow.”

  Melissa said, and then turned and stepped over to the window.

  “Do you believe that?” Diane asked.

  “I keep telling myself that.”

  “It’s not what I asked you, Melissa.”

  “No, not anymore,” she said. “Oh,” she said, exasperated. “It’s always been an issue when Liz would come sniffing around. I always worried he’d end up dating her, and I knew I’d have serious issues with that. The other girls he’d go out with
? It never seemed to bother me all that much. It was movies and pizza and whatnot.”

  “And now?” Diane looked down the hallway, and then went back over to tend to the coffee maker.

  “Well.” Melissa combed out her hair and pulled it into a ponytail. “I guess right now there are a couple of things. We’re getting older and wanting less

  than casual things, for one. For another, this thing with Donna seems to be more serious than I thought it would end up being. I took it for granted that it was an end-of-summer thing.”

  Diane turned and looked at Melissa. “You still have to wait it out.”

  A small frown came across Melissa’s face. “I wonder if that’s such a smart move—waiting it out. If I don’t say or do something, and this is my last opportunity, I might never forgive myself for not telling him how I feel.”

  “And if you do, and drive a wedge …” Diane said.

  “I know what I’m risking,” Melissa said. “But it’s like you said when we talked about this. You risked a professional relationship and a friendship with Mark when you tried to move things along. It’s paying off for you, what you did.”

  “Yes,” Diane said, smiling. “But it could have blown up too.

  “But you have the answer to your ‘what if’ question.” Melissa sighed. “I guess I’m tired of waiting. I want to say what I feel. I want the answer to my what if.”

  “Be careful what you wish for,” Diane said while Melissa made her way to the back door.

  “I’ll think it through better, later today,” Melissa said, opening the kitchen door. “I just woke up in his arms, and I want to relish that for a little while before I decide yes or no on throwing a wrench into the works.”

  Diane nodded, and Melissa headed out the back door.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  Donna and Marie walked out of class and toward Marie’s car. The light December snow drifted to the ground.

  “Any plans for the Holiday break?” Marie asked.

  “I’m supposed to spend Christmas Eve with Matthew and his family,”

  Donna said, somewhat reserved.