The End of the Innocence

by Jason Zandri

  “There are a lot of details I still have to work through. I have the summer to do it, for the remaining details like a car and where I’m going to stay.”

  “Your focus needs to be elsewhere,” he said and looked away from her.

  “Please, Matthew, don’t,” she said. “I have no idea how we got here, but we’re here. Somehow, maybe, I always wanted this. I hoped that somehow you did, too. I’m flooded with so many different feelings right now, and I can’t settle my head.”

  “Partially, I feel the same way,” Matthew said and turned back toward her. “I also know what you talked about at the burger place. People overheard you. They told me. You have as many doubts and concerns as you do genuine feelings.” Matthew choked slightly on his words as his emotions consumed him. “I’m realizing that I can’t deal with the ambiguity, especially where women are concerned, in my life and how it has gone ... I simply don’t have the trust that I need right now.”

  Melissa became defensive, “You don’t hold the exclusive rights to not trusting people. Having said that, what have I done to break your confidence or shatter your trust?”

  Matthew didn’t answer and set off walking along East Street.

  “Matthew.” Melissa followed behind. “I love you.”

  Matthew stopped walking and looked forward. Melissa came around the front of him and looked up into his eyes.

  “I don’t know when it moved from a crush to something tangible and substantial, but it has. Yes, I’m full of doubt and guilt, even some embarrassment. I realized how many times I pushed you away because I didn’t want to deal with what I felt. Then I talked some to Carrie, and then Diane, and realized what I really felt, but I didn’t feel comfortable telling you because you were with Donna.” Melissa paused and reached out to take Matthew’s hands into hers. “Then there was this opportunity to spend a whole week together; I didn’t want it to end. I also felt like I was taking advantage of the situation, but I knew if I didn’t say something, tell you, I would regret it. I decided I wanted to show you. I went to your place.”

  “You gained illegal entry into my apartment,” Matthew said with a slow smile.

  “Yes.” Melissa’s tears stopped, and she managed a tentative smile. “I committed breaking and entering so that I could show you.” Her tone returned to a serious one. “Please, don’t turn me away because of things I said or implied; my confusion doesn’t make me love you any less.”

  Matthew let her hands go and nudged her forward to walk towards Carlton Street and her apartment. They said nothing more until they reached the front stairs. He leaned in and kissed her softly. She wrapped her arms around him.

  “We have a lot to talk about,” he said, finishing his kiss and pressing his forehead into hers.

  “I know,” she said and closed her eyes and tightened her hold.

  “There’s a lot to work through: finals, the summer, you going to college

  … likely going and staying there,” Matthew said, closing his eyes too.

  “I know,” she said softly. “Now that I am here, at this place with you, I want time to stop.”

  Matthew stepped back to look at her. “I’m sure that we will always be in each other’s lives, no matter what happens.” He reached down, touched her hands, and squeezed them. “Being with you, like that, was so many different things; I still haven’t processed everything I felt. I’m dying to do it again, and at the same time, I want it to be just as special. Maybe we slow it down a little and see where things go?”

  Melissa had a worried look in her eye, but she nodded. “Yes,” she said

  with strain in her voice.

  Matthew turned and stepped away. Part of the way down the walk, he turned around. Melissa still stood looking at him.

  “Do you have plans for June 6th?” he asked.

  “That’s Prom night,” she said.

  “I know.” He nodded. “Do you have a date already?”

  “I’ve been asked,” she said. “I hoped like mad that you’d ask me.”

  “Would you go to Senior Prom with me, Melissa Bancroft?”

  She smiled wide. “Yes.”

  Matthew turned and took a step away. “Please, pencil me in, Miss Bancroft. It would be an honor to take you.”

  CHAPTER THITRY

  Diane sat at the kitchen table while her mother finished the dishes in the sink. Karen turned off the water and wiped her hands on the towel.

  “I don’t seem to recall you going through as many mood swings,”

  Karen said, pointing to the ceiling.

  “Melissa isn’t any moodier than most girls,” Diane said. “My life was a lot simpler, too. I didn’t do much more than date casually, and even though I moved out for a while, I never fell in love.”

  “Not like you’ve been with Mark.” Karen took a seat on the kitchen chair next to Diane.

  “Missy has been in love with Matthew almost as long,” Diane said, leaning back in the chair. “It was a schoolgirl crush, and she processed it differently, but it’s still the same. If you think about it, what she feels has been maturing for her the whole time since she was a little schoolgirl to the woman she’s become today.”

  “I have to tell you,” Karen said and leaned toward her. “To listen to the two of them talking to each other about things, sometimes they remind me of you and Mark.”

  “What do you mean?” Diane asked.

  “A week before prom, Melissa received her acceptance letter from the College of Upper California. She got so excited because she felt it was a long shot to be accepted there in the first place, but then she got so worried about things with Matthew. Her first concern wasn’t how we were going to pay for it, but how it would affect him.” Karen smiled and shook her head.

  “I remember that day over at the house,” Diane said. “Matthew spoke with his father for an hour about how he felt and what he should say to her.

  He wanted to flesh out everything he felt with him so that he didn’t say something upsetting to Melissa. He was upset about her going away, but wanted to be happy and excited for her. He looked for a way to say all those things to her and not diminish her excitement over getting accepted and going away.”

  “I think, as much as they feel for one another, they’re being level-

  headed about it. I’ve heard so many horror stories from the mothers I work with, about their daughters, mostly, being completely irrational about boys.”

  Karen turned to look over to the stairs.

  “She’s somewhat irrational,” Diane said, smirking.

  “Oh?” Karen turned back. “Tell me.”

  “Never mind,” Diane said.

  Melissa came down the stairs and turned the corner. “Diane,” she said, surprised. “I didn’t hear you come in.”

  “I haven’t been here long,” she said while she stood to hug her. “Mom tells me you’re waiting on Matthew, and then you’re all going over to Michael’s graduation.”

  “Yeah,” Melissa said. “We’ve been making each other’s rounds between Lyman Hall and Sheehan the past couple of days. Now, with those out of the way, over to Xavier we go.”

  “Is everyone going?” Diane asked.

  “Yes,” Melissa said. “It was touch and go for a while with Donna and Marie, but Liz managed to talk to them and convince them to let things go, and that it was better to say goodbye, so to speak, to one another gracefully.”

  “Donna came by the house and spoke to Matthew at some length as well,” Diane said.

  “I know.” Melissa glanced at Diane. “He told me. It bothered me a little, but he was honest about being with her. I guess he decided he wasn’t going to repeat the whole ‘do and ask forgiveness later’ with me the way he did with her.”

  “You know,” Diane said. “You and Matthew … long distance relationships are hard, but they can work. It’s rare but possible.”

  “We know; we’ve enjoyed the time together since April vacation.

  Prom was wonderful; I don’t think
I’ll ever forget it.” Melissa looked somewhat withdrawn. “We love each other … a lot. We’re also realistic. We figure, one way or the other, we’re always going to be in each other’s lives. I know he’s trying to make things easier for me, so I don’t worry. I don’t want

  to lose him.”

  “He’s in your heart; you’re in his. You’ll never really lose each other,” Diane said just as a knock sounded at the front door. “The distance between here and the front door—” She pointed. “—that physical distance, that’s what you have to overcome. Otherwise, you’re never further away than your thoughts and feelings for one another.”

  Melissa got up and went to see who’d knocked.

  “Are you all set?” Matthew asked. “We’re running late, but we should make Michael’s speech.”

  “Let’s go.” Melissa pulled the door closed behind her.

  ***

  Michael Anderson took the podium and looked out over the crowd as the applause subsided. He smiled once he’d looked at the far end of the gathered people and saw his friends standing and watching.

  “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. It is a great honor to be here in the warm weather in the final days of spring, just a few days ahead of the Summer Solstice, to address all of you as our class valedictorian. On behalf of the Xavier class of 1987, I would like to express our appreciation to all of the school administration, the teachers and faculty, and all our family members, who helped to get us where we are today; young adults ready to take on the world.

  “Four years ago, I remember leaving middle school for the last time and heading into the exciting and sometimes scary world of high school. I know a lot of you, my classmates, were nervous though you likely will not admit it now. I will freely admit, I was. High school can be intimidating, for sure. However, it can also be a place for growth and opportunity, where you can meet and mingle with hundreds of other students. Some of them you have called friends from even farther back than middle school, back to elementary school, or even perhaps back to the neighborhood you grew up in. Others were new friends yet to make.

  “High School offered you the opportunity to share ideas, passions, and strengths. The chance to make mistakes and start anew.

  “Everyone’s journey is different, but in those differences there are often similarities. As we made our way up the ranks, from lowerclassmen to upperclassmen, it became clear that my classmates were compassionate, upbeat, curious, respectful, diverse, and highly talented people.

  “To many, we were still ‘kids,’ but we were filled with kindness and dedication, which resulted in thousands of hours of community service performed for various organizations in the surrounding towns, including fundraisers for Relay for Life, the food bank, the animal shelter and more.

  “We were filled with vast talents in the performing arts, to athletics, to vocational endeavors, and to various fields of academic study.

  “We have been given such rich opportunities and taken them head on; for that reason, I believe we can overcome any obstacle. We must, because if we do not, we are wasting these opportunities put before us and our potential.

  “It’s nice to have the time to go to the beach, play video games, and drink unrealistic amounts of carbonated beverages until it feels like we are going to burst, but we need to realize that our lives are turning the corner. I say, we must increase speed into the turn, and let the momentum propel us faster coming out of it and into the lives we will meet head on.

  “It is time to set goals for your future. Before you can do that, however, you need a vision. A dream. Over the next few years, you may end up at a college or trade school. You may begin working full-time or even start a family. No matter what your dream is for the future, you can get there with the dedication, determination, and focus that you have learned while here at this very high school.

  “We, the class of 1987, are a powerhouse of innovation and creativity.

  We will push boundaries to make this world a better place even in small ways. I do believe we are onto as many larger things as well.

  “Always remember where you came from. Always remember where you are going. Always remember your friends.” Michael looked back at the group stood at the end of the audience. “Remember how they were with you, stood by you, grounded you, and when you needed it, carried you.

  “Congratulations, graduates. This is your day, and it is one well earned.”

  The crowd erupted into applause, and people stood and clapped.

  Michael looked back to his parents and waved.

  Matthew, Tim, Melissa, Patti, Lesley, Liz, Donna, and Marie all cheered as loudly as they could and waved to him. Once Michael looked past his parents, he acknowledged them with a thumbs up.

  ***

  Once the entire ceremony had ended, the gang milled about and waited for Michael to finish taking pictures.

  Matthew stepped over toward Donna. Liz looked over, saw him coming, and pulled Marie away with her.

  “Hi,” Matthew said.

  “Hi, Matthew,” Donna said, and then turned a little away from the sunlight and curled her hair behind her ear.

  “Thank you for coming; I know it meant a lot to Michael.” He looked at the sun reflecting from her hair.

  “Thank you for making me feel guilty about the promise we made over the summer at the beach, and that Michael honored it by coming to our graduations.”

  Matthew seized up at her response.

  Donna smiled and broke the tension. “I was kidding,” she said, and Matthew relaxed. “I needed the prodding, but I’m glad that I came. It was the right thing to do, and it was excellent to hear one of us speak. We’re all middle of the road people … Michael, he’s going places.”

  Matthew looked over at Michael and nodded in agreement. “I’m glad you didn’t push back too hard,” he said. “I didn’t have much to stand on other than the promise we all made. You could have declined for a host of justifiable reasons.”

  Donna squinted in the sunlight, and then pulled down her sunglasses.

  “I wanted to honor my word. I thought to myself, ‘if it were the other way around, what would Matthew do?’ If I were the one requesting a recall of a

  promise made, you’d go. I wanted to do the same.”

  “I’m no one to live up to,” Matthew said. “I make a ton of mistakes.”

  “You do,” she said. “You let me go.” She kept her tight expression only for a moment, and then let it go. “Maybe there was a reason for that too.

  I got petty and the whole thing brought out the worst parts of me. Maybe I needed to be in this situation to see them so that, at some future point where I cannot recover from an episode like that, I can. Now that I know what to look for, maybe I can choose not to act that way and avoid it altogether.”

  “Everything happens for a reason?” Matthew asked.

  “Maybe,” she said, and then reached over and took his hand. “I still have deep feelings for you. I know you still must for me, too.”

  “I do,” he said with a glance over at Liz, and then across the way to Melissa. He felt guilty holding Donna’s hand, so he let it drop away. “It’s difficult when I see you, to not act on them.” Matthew stepped back a little.

  “If I might try to put it eloquently, it absolutely sucks.”

  Donna laughed and covered her mouth with her hand. “I love you for that … the way you always could disarm me and make me smile. I hope I’m fortunate enough to find someone in my life again that makes me feel the same way.”

  “You will,” Matthew said. “And someone will be so lucky to have you.”

  Donna stepped forward and turned her head to gaze at Melissa.

  “You’re aware I’m going away to college; I’ll be back in the winter for break.

  Maybe I’ll look you up, and we can catch up.”

  “I would like that.” Matthew backed up to catch up with some of the others. “Are you and Marie going to meet up with us afterward?”

  “Are you
kidding? We were excited to be asked.”

  “Really?” Matthew asked. When he turned around, he almost ran into Liz.

  “No … I was,” Donna called across the short distance that had opened up between them. “I had to convince Marie, but we’ll be there.”

  “Okay; see you in about an hour.”

  Matthew watched Donna walk away, and then turned to Liz, who still stood right in his personal space.

  “We have to stop meeting like this,” Liz said with a smile.

  “I know,” Matthew said, scratching his head and backing up a little.

  “I’ve been plowing into you, my whole life.”

  “Well,” Liz said with an evil smile. “Not exactly in the best way.”

  Matthew shook his finger at her with some authority. “I’m a taken man.”

  “So I’ve heard.” Liz arched an eyebrow. “I might have had a little something to do with that.”

  “Oh, really?” Matthew said.

  “Maybe just a little,” Liz said. She softened her poise a little. “I do think you should be happy. You’re a great guy. You and me … I’d love that, but I don’t think I’m ever going to be everything you’ll want and need. At least not as a whole package.”

  “And Melissa is?” Matthew asked, looking over at her.

  “I don’t know,” Liz said while she pulled back her hair. “I do know she’s closer to that than I am.” Liz dropped her hands. “To be honest, I’m more concerned about her going away to school.”

  “What do you mean?” Matthew asked.

  “Your mother left you and your father; you already know what it’s like to be abandoned and betrayed; you’ve already lived through something like that. Her father left when she was a baby—well, toddler, I guess, and she’s always had her mother and Diane ‘right there.’ My concern is, being away, separated from all ‘this’ that she knows, and you being here …” Liz looked away from him and against the direction of the sun.

  “What?” Matthew asked.

  “I hope she doesn’t do things that would be more in character of me than her now. You deserve the woman she is. I hope she can stay that way,”