by Zachary Ryan
I walked over to my bag and grabbed my bottle of water. I closed my eyes and let the cool breeze calm me. It felt good having this moment to just relax and enjoy the day. It was good hanging out with my friends at the bonfire, and it killed me to know that eventually that was all going to go away.
I heard someone approaching me. I opened my eyes and turned to see Edgar walking over to me. “Hey,” I said.
“Hi.” I could tell that he was a little nervous. His hands were in his pocket and he wasn’t really looking me in the eye.
“Did you come here and see me practice?” I asked.
He shook his head. “No, I just was in the neighborhood. I was running and just saw you over here.”
I looked him up and down. He was wearing jeans and a hoodie. Nothing about what he was wearing made sense. “I didn’t know people ran in their jeans.” I looked down at his shoes. “Or, in their Vans.”
He looked down and blushed. “I didn’t want to come off as creepy.”
I smirked into my bottle. “It’s sweet that someone wants to watch me cheer.” I knew Jarele and his friends watched, but it was full of sexual desire. I didn’t mind, because it was the same when I watched Jarele play football.
He scratched his head. “So, I was wondering if you wanted to hang out sometime?” he asked.
I enjoyed the idea that someone was trying to make plans with me. I felt lately I was just being escorted through life. This was the first time someone was actually seeking me out, and I wasn’t a tag along.
“Sure, I’d like that.” I went into my bag and grabbed a notebook paper. I wrote down my number and handed it to him. “Text me, and we can set something up.”
He looked down at the number and then at me. “This isn’t some kind of prank. This isn’t some number to a pedophile, right?” he asked.
“I would be more concerned that I knew a pedophiles number by heart.”
He chuckled, and it was a cute laugh. It was full of innocence, and I wished my laugh was like that. I looked at Edgar, and I saw someone who didn’t have the same pain that I was going through. Maybe he was my escape from everything I’ve been through. He wouldn’t need to protect me from the world, and I could just be me without worried eyes.
“What was that?” Kate asked, walking up next to me after Edgar walked away.
“One of Lane’s friends that wanted to hang out.” I tried to make it sound like it wasn’t that big of a deal.
I tried to walk away before she did make it a big deal. She grabbed my arm. “Please tell me you aren’t trying to get back at Jarele with some reject.”
I ripped my arm out of her grip. “What do you mean, get back at him?” I asked, because I was very curious what she was implying with her sentence.
She sighed. “I know about the whole Angela thing.”
I ignored the rage that was building up inside. “How?”
“There’s been gossip and photos circulating,” her voice went softer, and she didn’t do nice, which meant it was serious.
I crossed my arms and tried to keep it together. “Who sent them out?” I asked.
“Probably one of Angela’s friends. I don’t know, but people know about Jarele cheating on you.”
I didn’t know why, but I just started to laugh. She looked at me with concerned eyes. Those were the eyes I was trying to avoid and found refreshing when Edgar didn’t give them to me. “I can’t even fucking call her a bitch or a slut. I can’t sit here and tell her to stay the fuck away from my man.”
She reached out and squeezed my hand. “Jarele made a mistake. We are all about to graduate, and we’re all a little crazy right now about it.”
I stepped back. “So, you’re defending him?” I asked. I shouldn’t be surprised. I was the girl that was brought into the social group when we started dating. I joined poms sophomore year, but no one noticed me until Jarele and I started dating.
“That’s not what I’m trying to do. It’s been over a month since it ended.”
“It only ended because she was killed. That doesn’t mean shit.”
“He loves you.”
“And now I’m stuck having to hide my face because of this. No one’s going to bash her for this. No one is going to sympathize with me because who wants to attack a victim of a school damn shooting. Fuck this.” I stormed off because I needed some damn air.
I got into my car and blasted the music. I felt my phone vibrate and it was Jarele calling me. I couldn't be with him right now. He’s the monster that caused all of this, but I didn’t hate him.
I felt my whole body needing him to hold me right now. He had always made sure the demons didn’t get to me. I cried until I needed someone to make it stop. I told Jarele to come over. I wouldn’t fight with him. I wouldn’t cause a scene, because that was what my mother was doing with my father.
I turned to see Gabe was sitting there with a weak smile on his face. “Go away,” I said.
“But I want to help,” he said.
I turned to him. “Turn back time and instead of pulling the trigger on our school, just pull it on yourself,” I said, and blocked him out. I ignored his pleas for me to listen to him. I ignored him saying that this was Jarele’s fault and not his. I ignored everything he could ever say, because right now, he wasn’t my protective big brother. He was the monster that threw me in this cage and laughed as he walked away with the key to my freedom.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Lane
“Why again do you want to try poetry?” I asked Zachary, as she came up to me after school. I didn’t feel like going home right away, so I was out by the park benches working on a new poem. We had final submissions for the last literary magazine coming up.
She shrugged. “Because I’m not part of the musical, and I need something to get my mind off of things. I can’t just go sleeping with everyone now, can I?”
I blushed and looked away from her. Zachary had always been open about her sexual appetite. She said she enjoyed a good hook up from time to time. She told me she was waiting for her moment with Tristen because he had her heart.
“Yeah, that would be a terrible thing, wouldn’t it?” I still couldn’t look at her.
“Lane, I don’t know why you’re so awkward about sex. There’s nothing wrong with it. You’ll find someone that’s special for you.”
I already knew how special my moment with Colby was. I smiled at the memory as it flooded my brain.
I looked down at our bodies, and I had the condom in my hand. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. I felt my hands were sweaty.
Colby turned to look at me. I knew he saw the worry in my eyes thanks to the moonlight. He stood up and grabbed both sides of my face. “Are you okay?” he asked.
I shook my head. “What if I’m bad?” I asked. “Colby, you’ve done this before. I know damn well Jefferson is experienced, and I’m nowhere near his level. Shit, my first kiss was Zachary and that was during spin the bottle freshman year.” I looked him in the eyes. “You’re my first, and I won’t be good enough for you.”
He leaned forward and captured my lips with his. He made sure that my anxiety was calmed in this moment. He broke the kiss. “You don’t think I’m terrified I won’t be good enough for you? Jefferson was all about enjoying the sensation, but not enjoying the moment. He didn’t give a shit if I was safe or secured. He wanted to make sure that he got off.”
I saw the hurt in his eyes. I was the one that touched the side of his face. “I’ll never be like that to you.”
He smiled. “Good. Take your time and just know that this is our first time. It’s okay if it’s a disaster. We will have many more times together.” He winked.
I blushed and leaned forward again to kiss him. “Okay.” The pressure was lifted after that. It ended up being sloppy and awkward. It didn’t last long, but that night would be forever my favorite memory with Colby. I could never thank Colby enough for being so understanding and being my rock for this staple moment in my life.
“Lane, you with me?” Zachary asked, bringing me back to reality.
“You’re right. I’ll find someone special that my first time will matter. Just like you,” I said.
She huffed out a laugh. She grabbed a piece of paper. “You mean, when the guy told me the next morning that he regretted it. He didn’t mean to get that drunk and have sex with me. He wanted to forget the whole damn thing.”
“Why didn’t you tell us?” I asked. I wanted to understand when this happened.
Zachary shook her head. “And tell you that I was humiliated. I was a sophomore and this senior guy found me attractive. I thought he wanted to be with me, but he was just trying to use me as a rebound for his girlfriend dumping him. He didn’t mean to take that far.”
“Is that why you keep Tristen at a far distance?” I asked, trying to understand why she kept pushing him away. They clearly enjoyed each other.
She started writing. “Because I’m done disappointing people. I rather have him at a distance than have him close only to realize I’m not worth it.”
“Zachary,” I said.
She stopped writing and looked up at me. She wiped a tear away. “This poetry thing isn’t for me. It makes me think too much about my feelings.” She stood up. “Hell knows that’s why I like acting. I don’t have to be myself even if it’s for a few hours. I’ll see you later.” She waved me off before I could say anything else.
I grabbed the piece of paper to read her poem. I didn’t mean to pry, but this was my chance to see what her inner thoughts were.
I gave you a piece of me hoping you would love and value it.
You took one look at it and decided it wasn’t worth it.
It destroyed me but maybe just maybe the next guy would fix the scars you had created.
Too bad I wasn’t the only one he called baby.
Damn adding more scars to this broken heart.
Maybe the third time was the charm, but instead I was left with a text full of excuses.
Then I met someone who could truly heal the scars but what if he turns out to be just like them?
I rather have all these scars then risk adding another one
Just for the chance that all these wounds could finally heal.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Lane
I put Zachary’s poem in my bag. I knew she didn’t want it right now, but I thought maybe down the road she would cherish. I bumped past Edgar as I walked back into the school. “Sorry, I didn’t see you there,” I said.
Edgar smiled. “I guess I’m caught up in my own world. Thank you for introducing me to your friend, Cass. She’s so incredible. I can’t believe she’s willing to give me a chance,” he said.
“At?” I asked.
“We’re going on a date together.” I was taken aback by his comment. He looked down at his phone. “I better get going. I need to think of some date ideas. He waved me off before I could say anything.
I didn’t know Cass had broken things off with Jarele, and I didn’t want to say that I was against it. She needed to leave him. She was just an arm candy when she was around him. She told us that we didn’t really understand what they’ve been through, but I just didn’t like that he was controlling her.
I walked toward the gym. I was angry at what I saw. Cass was wrapped in Jarele’s arms. He was whispering sweet nothings in her ear. Was she playing a game with Edgar? Was this all just a joke to her? I wasn’t going to let her do this to someone that doesn’t deserve to be hurt by some popular bitch looking for attention.
“Cass!” I screamed.
Cass looked up at me. She broke out of Jarele’s grip. “Lane, what’s up?” she asked.
I stormed up to her. I grabbed her arm and I pulled her away, so that we could have privacy. I let go of her arm once we were outside of the gym. “You want to explain to me what the fuck is going on,” I said.
“What are you talking about?” she asked.
“You agreed to go on a date with Edgar, but you’re still with Jarele?”
“I told him that we should hang out sometime,” Cass said.
“I just bumped into him and he thinks that it’s a date,” I said.
“I’m sorry that he misunderstood what I said. I’ll set him straight, but you don’t need to get upset about it. It’s not that big of a deal,” she said.
“Because you’re the popular girl. You don’t understand what it’s like to over assume with anyone. You already know everyone wants to date you. You don’t get what it’s like for us rejects,” I said. I could feel the anxiety starting to form. I felt my whole body start to consume to the darkness. I needed to get out of there.
“I don’t understand why you’re attacking me like this right now, Lane,” she said. She tried to grab my hand.
I stepped back. “I need to go,” I said. I turned and walked toward the bathroom. I opened the door and closed it. I walked over to the sink. I splashed some water on my face.
“You didn’t want to admit to her that you had a crush on DJ Carrtelli?” Gabe asked.
I turned to see him standing there with a such a smug face. “You didn’t even know about that,” I said. I kept my crush to DJ close to my chest. I thought when he wanted to hang out with me that he actually cared about me. I truly believed that he was interested in me, but it was actually Cass he was trying to get to know. He was the guy that I laid at night thinking about. It was why I never thought Colby ever wanted anything to do with me.
“But I’m inside your mind. I know about all your little secrets and scandals,” he chuckled. “DJ was so out of your league. It’s going to be so tragic watching Cass break Edgar’s heart. I just hope that Edgar doesn’t cut his wrist like you did when DJ rejected you.”
“Fuck you!” I screamed. I stormed at him.
He stepped back. “You should watch out about your volume. Do you honestly want people to hear you? Do you want people to see you in this state?” he asked.
I tried to control my breathing. I focused on the sound of the water rushing. I stepped a couple of steps back. I felt the wall against my back. I felt my legs give out, and I slid to the floor. I looked up at Gabe. “I hate you,” I said.
“Why don’t you just admit the truth, Lane? No one truly cares about you. You knew you and your relationship with Colby was all a joke? You knew he still loved Jefferson even when you two were dating. You admitted it all the time to Colby,” he said.
I ran my fingers through my hair. I closed my eyes. “Shut up!” I screamed. I just wanted him to stop talking.
“You’re only upset with Cass because you know she’ll do the same thing to Edgar that DJ did to you. She’ll lead him on just to make sure Jarele is jealous. The royals of our school don’t care about us peasants.”
I snapped my head up. “Neither did you!”
He shrugged. “At least people know my name; do they know yours?” he asked. He walked toward the door. “Have fun with your little moment. Once again, you’re all about keeping things behind closed doors, but I have a feeling soon there won’t be a door to hide behind.” He opened the door and walked away leaving me alone and vulnerable.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Ben
“You need to go check on Lane. I’m worried about him,” Cass said, as I ran into her. I had forgot my server apron in my locker. Kate had come to talk to me about her annual poker night that was going to be in a couple of days, and I quickly stuffed it in there.
“I’ll go check on him,” I said.
Before I could walk away, she grabbed my arm. “Make sure he’s okay,” she said.
“I will,” I said. I walked toward the bathroom when I heard Lane screaming. I slowly opened the door. I heard the sink running. I opened the door fully to see Lane sitting on the ground in the corner breathing heavily. “Lane?”
He looked up at me. He started to get up. “Ben, there’s nothing to see here,” I said.
I gave him a worried expression. I knew that he probabl
y didn’t want to see that expression, but it had become a habit when it came to him. Lane kept everything in, and he needed to let us in. He wasn’t like Gabe. Gabe wanted to blame everything on everyone else, while Lane blamed everything on himself. “Are you sure? I heard some screaming.”
He wiped some tears. “Yeah, I was just having a moment.” He walked over to turn the sink off. “I guess, everything’s getting to me.”
I walked toward him. I went to put my hand on his arm, but I was hesitant. I didn’t want to overstep. “Lane, you can tell me anything you want.” I wanted him to know that he could rely on me. I was something that he could feel safe with.
He looked at me for a moment. “Ben, you’re not the first person I would go to about my feelings. I’m sure everyone has already expressed their feelings with you.”
I felt angry that everyone has made it a point to tell me that they don’t feel comfortable showing off their emotions to me. “I don’t believe in self-pity. It doesn’t mean that when things are rough that you have to keep it in,” I said.
He turned to look at me. “Ben, I don’t feel like expressing any of my feelings to anyone. I have enough trapped inside of me.”
“Why not let us in?” I asked.
“Because I’m so damn terrified that I won’t be able to get everything back in once I open that door. I don’t know what will happen once I expose everything to the world. It’s best that I just keep it in.” He let out a deep sigh. “Thanks for checking in on me, but I need to go.” He smiled. I couldn’t get out another word before he walked out of the room.
I heard some clapping. Gabe came out from one of the stalls. “See, I’m not the only one that doesn’t feel like opening up to you.”
I rolled my eyes. “Don’t you have some soap box to go perform on?” I asked.
“He just walked out the door,” he said. “It’s why he won’t come out to you.”
I should have told him that I knew. I could have been honest with him and said it was okay that he was gay. I should have told him that he could let us in about him losing Colby in the shooting. “He should feel like I’m a safe space.”