by Zachary Ryan
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Zachary
“I come back to Rockford for the weekend to be disappointed that Zachary Vincent won’t be going on the annual theatre retreat,” a woman said to me. I was on the edge of the theatre stage.
There was an annual theatre retreat with camping, running lines, bon fires, and team bonding. I didn’t want to admit that it killed me that I was missing out on one of my favorite traditions. They did a special shout out to all the graduating seniors, and Ms. Clarkson gave a speech for them. I knew it was stupid to look forward to that speech and having my name called.
I turned to see Megan standing there. She had shoulder length brown hair which was wavy. I missed her big doe eyes. I noticed she had a tattoo on her arm, and she had her nose pierced. She always talked about wanting to get them and planned to when she moved to New York.
“Megan!” I stood up and ran into her arms. It felt good to see a friendly face. It had been so long since I felt like I saw someone that was such a big sister to me. “I didn’t know you were coming to town,” I said.
She smiled fondly. “I assumed that this was going to be your big moment on center stage. I assumed you would have gotten one of the leads, and I was here to train you for it. I would be your understudy this time around,” she said. Megan always got the leads for a lot of the plays, and I was her understudy. I never felt jealous because freshman year, Megan took me under her wing. She always told people I would replace her, and I would follow her to New York to take over the Broadway world with her.
My smile faded. “Yeah, things changed,” I said, and walked away.
“Are you going to leave me in the dark for some reasons? I’m hearing you thought you were too big for this stage,” she said.
I turned to look at her, and I saw the look that she gave me knowing it was a bullshit reason. I felt safe with her and I could tell her the truth. “I can’t sing anymore,” I said.
She walked toward me, and she grabbed my hands. “What do you mean, you can’t sing anymore?” she asked.
I sighed. I couldn’t look at her. “I was pressuring myself too much for the spring musical. I wanted to be the lead, and I practiced every day for months. During winter break my parents took me to the doctors because my throat was hurting. They found vocal nodules on my vocal cords. I waited on getting the surgery because I knew that there was a chance I would lose my singing abilities. I eventually got the surgery, and I went for a check-up and a vocal coach. They both said my quality of singing had been taken away because of the vocal nodules,” I said. It felt good getting it off my chest. I wiped the tears because I didn’t realize how emotional it had become.
“Why didn’t you tell anyone? People think you’re being a diva bitch and being immature that you didn’t get a role,” she said.
“Because I found this out the day of the shooting,” I said.
She let go of my hands and stepped back. “That’s why you haven’t told anyone?”
“People died that day. I am still alive and I don’t get the right to have a self-pity party because of it.”
She grabbed my hand. “I gave up acting myself,” she said.
“What?”
“I got to New York and tried to get an agent. I thought if I got an agent, then I’ll be able to get bookings. I was told I wasn’t good enough. I ignored them and decided to just go on auditions on my own. I didn’t get the roles I wanted, and I quit acting.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked. I emailed and texted Megan all the time, but she never mentioned it.
“The same reason you didn’t tell anyone. You don’t think you deserve sympathy. People would tell me that I need to get a tough skin,” she paused for a moment. “Besides, I didn’t want to let you down. I knew how much we were planning to rule the world together.”
“Now, what are you doing?” I asked.
She shrugged. “Trying to figure out what’s best for me. I’m trying to find something to be passionate about, but it kills me because all I’ve ever known was theatre.”
I pulled her into a hug, and she was taller than me. “It’s the same thing about me. I need to find something to make me feel inspired again. I want nothing more than to be on this stage again, but it breaks my heart every single time being here.”
She rubbed my back. “We gave our everything to this stage, and it’s given us nothing back. It’s an abusive relationship. I want nothing more than to be told I’m worthy.”
“And I want an applause,” I said.
“Maybe we won’t get it, but maybe we can search for it somewhere else,” she said.
I looked at the curtains and I knew that no matter what we searched for; it wouldn’t be enough. I closed my eyes and I let myself cry in Megan’s arms. We were both dreamers that had life tell us we couldn’t follow our ambition anymore. It was even worse because as much as we wanted to cry to the world about our pain, we were silencing knowing that people wouldn’t give a damn.
Chapter Thirty
Ben
“I don’t think there’s anything to talk about,” I said. Dr. Clarkson wanted to have a private session. She felt like I had been way too guarded, and she thought I would feel safer being alone with her.
She wrote something down. “It seems you’re trying to keep this exterior shell from everyone else. You want to be the leader. I mean it’s in your blood because of your mother's family,” she said. “How are you doing with your parents separation?”
I felt uncomfortable talking about that topic with her. “I don’t get why that needs to be discussed in this session. Aren’t we here for our thoughts on the shooting?”
She leaned back and crossed her arms. I could tell that she was analyzing me. “You’ve made it very clear you thought he was a coward.”
“He could have stood up for himself. He was always trying to play the victim card. He blamed everyone else except himself.”
“So, you think his bullying was his fault?” she asked.
“I didn’t say that,” I sighed, and felt my fingers vibrating. I didn’t care to be in the spotlight. This was more of Zachary’s style. I was used to everyone knowing who I was. I enjoyed being known but from a distance. “He could have fought back against them.”
“Wouldn’t you say he did that by shooting the school?”
“And taking all those innocent lives? No one would agree that was the right thing to do.”
“But in his mind, he thought he was doing what was best for him to stand up for years of bullying. He felt like he had no one in his corner.”
I looked at her. I turned and saw Gabe standing there covered in bruises. I could see the ‘poor me’ look on his face, and I rolled my eyes. “He played that victim very well. He didn’t want anything to do with changing it.”
“He never pleaded with you to protect him. He kept everything to himself?” she asked.
“Yes, he pleaded with me to protect him,” I said.
“And?”
I thought of the night of the spring fling. It was the Saturday before Gabe did what he did. It was the last time we had spoken words together. I was walking down the hall after needing to get some air from dancing. Susan, a sophomore, kept trying to dance with me.
I saw Chet and his goons walking toward us. They had giant grins on their faces. “You have such an interesting group of friends,” he said.
I rolled my eyes because he was such a jackass. “Chet, I don’t have time for you or whatever you guys are up to.” I brushed past him. I had enough to deal with. My mother had told me and my father to pack our shit and get out by Monday. I was hoping this dance would get my mind off of things.
I turned the corner. I walked toward the gym where the dance was held. Gabe caught me from the corner of his eye when I passed the stairwell. I turned to see him a couple of steps up with his face down.
“Gabe, are you okay?” I asked.
“Leave me alone, Ben.”
I walked up the stairs. “What’s w
rong?”
He lifted his face. I saw the bruises splashed across his face. I was about to take a step back. “Why don’t you go ask your friends?” Gabe asked. I saw the anger in his eyes.
I felt a little defensive. “I have nothing to do with their actions.
He stood up. “Of course, not. God forbid, Ben Howard uses his powers for good.” He pushed past me and walked towards the front door.
I chased after him. I opened the door. “You don’t get to make some claim and walk away from me.”
He wiped his head around. “Why not? It’s not like any of us can share our feelings with you. Ben doesn’t do pity. He wants everyone to be strong and heartless like him. He’s after all perfect, and anything less than would be a disgrace to him.”
“Because I want you to stand up for yourself. Yes, they’re bullies, but you can fight them. You want everyone to do everything for you. You’re always trying to take the easy way out.”
He laughed. “Coming from the person that has never had to do anything for themselves their whole damn lives. You’re rich, popular, and everyone loves you. What have you done to earn that?” He asked.
“It doesn’t mean that I don’t have my fair share or struggles,” I said, knowing how last summer my mother told me that I would go into politics, and that I needed to focus on my image. That night I got drunk and drove into a pole. My parents of course covered it up, but it caused my mother’s family to keep a tighter leash on me.
He rolled his eyes. “You haven’t struggled through shit. You try to act like you understand what the peasants are going through, but you’re not like us.”
I felt myself getting enraged. “And I’ll never accept someone who wants to sit on their soapbox being a cry baby. Grow some balls, Gabe because all I see is a self-appointed victim.” I turned to walk inside.
“And all I see is an arrogant jackass who doesn’t know the concept of being humble.”
Those were the last words he said to me. I was brought back to the present and looked at her. “And I told him to grow some balls,” I let out a forced laugh. I never thought about that last sentence until now. I rolled my eyes. I looked at him, and I knew how much Gabe would have loved how far from grace I’ve fallen. “Now who has it easy?” I asked under my breath, to the broken Gabe that was standing in front of me.
Chapter Thirty-One
Lane
“Did I honestly need to come to this?” I asked, looking at Cass, Zachary, and Ben. There was this annual bonfire that the senior class held where we call came to celebrate the colleges we got into and burn the rejection letters.
Zachary turned around and glared at me. Cass was driving while Ben and I were in the backseat. “You need to stop being a weirdo trapped in your room. You need social skills before you go off to college. We won’t be there with you.”
I looked out the window. “Maybe then I’ll get some peace.”
I felt a slap on my knee. I turned to glare at her. “And away from the abuse,” I said.
“But it keeps you in line. Cass and I have trained you boys well.” Zachary turned and winked at Cass.
Everyone in the car started to laugh. I looked over and Ben wasn’t really talking. “Are you okay?” I asked.
He looked over at me. He had spent the whole ride over looking at the piece of paper. “Sorry, I’m just trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I got into Princeton.”
“Are you surprised?” Zachary asked. “Your family has been going to that school for centuries.”
He smiled softly. “I guess I didn’t realize it was a lot of money.”
Zachary turned around. “When did you start worrying about money?” she asked.
He folded the paper and put it in his pocket. “I don’t. I guess I just glanced and was like, damn that’s a lot.”
We didn’t talk about it anymore. We got out of the car. People were all drinking either on the back of their trucks or around the bonfire.
“I’m going to find Jarele. He said he came after his dinner with his parents. I’ll catch up with you guys in a little bit.” Cass walked away.
“I guess I should find Chet, Max, and Kate. I’m curious what colleges they got into. I know they’re going to make a video about it soon.” Ben rolled his eyes and walked away.
I turned to Zachary. “You’re not going to hang out with the theatre group?” I asked.
She put her arm around my shoulder. “And leave you alone in the corner like some stalker?” She shook her head. “I need a drink and so do you.” We walked toward the keg. She handed the guy cash for cups and handed me a cup.
“You do know I don’t drink,” I said. Colby thought it was cute that I wasn’t into drinking or even drugs. I knew it was a completely different speed since he dated Jefferson.
“Are you going to go talk to your poetry friends?” she asked.
I looked over and everyone was listening to Jefferson. I also noticed that Edgar was glancing over at Cass. I was curious what they talked about and why Cass blushed when she saw him looking.
“They want nothing to do with me since Colby’s death. They think I was the one that put a bullet in his chest, not Gabe.”
She squeezed my shoulder. “I’m glad we get to graduate next fucking month and get the hell out of this city.”
“I’m only going two hours away.” I had gotten into Columbia for writing. I knew Colby and I dreamed of New York, but I just felt safer being there. I also knew that it was Colby’s dream to go to New York, and I felt like I was stealing his dream from him.
“New York will miss you just like me.” Zachary had gotten into NYU musical program. I assumed that’s why she didn’t do the spring musical. Everyone had talked about it, and it was rumored she thought she was better than the play. I didn’t ask her about it, because I was scared she would be pissed off.
I saw Tristen walking toward us. “Zachary, it’s good to see you. I’m bummed you weren’t at the theatre retreat this weekend.”
She smiled and took a sip of her drink. “Well, I heard it was a lot of fun from what Megan told me.”
He chuckled. “Megan continued to talk about how tragic the show will be without you there.” He rolled his eyes. “So, where did you get into?” he asked.
“NYU. You?” she asked.
“Same,” she said. “Maybe the plays there will be big enough for you.”
She laughed. “I hope so,” she said.
I felt this uneasy tension between them. I also knew they had a crush on each other, and I didn’t get why they didn’t date. Zachary always dreamed of kissing him and told me at length how much Tristen was her dream man. I could sense that Zachary was holding back, and I wondered why.
“I’m going to walk away from this,” I said.
Zachary turned to look at me. “You don’t need to leave. You’re going to wonder alone. I want you to have fun. We only have a few more events together before we all say our goodbyes.”
“Always with the dramatics. I’ll see you in a little bit.” I smiled and walked away. I turned to see Tristen and Zachary trying to have a conversation. It was once again a romance that was innocent and easy.
I saw Cass standing by the bonfire. She was throwing some papers into it. “You didn’t get into some colleges,” I said.
She turned to me and smiled. “Barnard, Columbia in New York, and NYU. I got into Loyola in LA, so there’s that.” She wiped a tear away.
“Why are you sad?” I asked.
“It’s so stupid. I had a dream of going to New York. I believed in the fantasy that you, Zachary, and I would take over that city together. I guess I feel like I’m being left behind. That I’m not good enough or wanted.”
It killed me to see Cass like this. I knew that people would focus on their rejection letters more than their acceptance. LA was Cass’s dream back up for herself, but that was before Jarele came into the picture.
I reached out and squeezed her hand. “I didn’t get into NYU either. You’re not
being left behind. You’re going off to LA to follow your dreams to be a dancer. What about Jarele? What’s going to happen to you two after college?”
She looked over and I followed her gaze. She was looking at Jarele talking to Kate. “I think maybe we were meant to be a high school romance. I don’t know if I should choose love or a career. He’s always been good to me and I don’t want to lose it. Maybe we could make it through college and come back to each other,” she said.
I thought it was foolish for the idea of trying to make it work. I thought they were planning to just move to Chicago together, but I could have been wrong. I wanted Cass to go off and be happy, but I was worried she would choose her decision based off of him. “So, no to Chicago?” I asked.
She looked at me. “I did get into Columbia Chicago and he got into DePaul. Maybe we can take over Chicago together.” She gave me a weak smile. “I better get back to him. I’ll see you when we’re about to leave.”
I watched her walk away and I didn’t get a chance to ask her about Edgar. I wondered why Columbia Chicago was still on the table if she seemed happier about LA. I knew none of us knew the full story when it came to each of us, but I worried that Cass had a monster under the bed controlling her from living her dreams.
I walked around observing people cheering to high school ending. People were thrilled to go on their own and experience everything outside of our town. I always felt like it was good to chase after something, and I wondered if leaving this town would make me a better person. I looked at Ben, Zachary, and Cass. I prayed we left this town and followed our dreams. I hoped we got back together from time to time to remember the good times.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Cass
“Alright girls, I’ll see you tomorrow. We need to get our performance ready for competition this weekend,” Kate said, after we were done practicing.