by Zachary Ryan
Lane
“Ben, we aren’t watching some stupid action movie,” Zachary said, going through Ben’s suggestions for the movie. We usually had movie night once or twice a week. It was a perfect way to spend Saturday night. I knew they could have been anywhere else, but it was nice they chose to come to my house.
“Zachary, you always want to watch some stupid comedy,” Ben said, with an annoying voice.
“Or, we could watch a romantic comedy,” Cass said, from the couch. She was currently eating the popcorn that I had made. She turned to look at me. “Thanks for having us over by the way. I know those two won’t admit it.”
“My parents went to go see some musical in the city and left me alone for the night,” I said. It was good that I was getting some separation from my parents.
Ben whipped his head around. “Wait, we have the whole house to ourselves for the whole night?” Ben asked. I could see by his evil grin that he was up to no good.
“Ben, there will be no parties at my house,” I said. My parents weren’t coming home till late tomorrow, and I could throw a house party. The sad part was, they knew that my version of a house party was currently what was happening, or Colby would come over and we would watch some terrible indie shows.
Ben rolled his eyes. “Please, like I want to see any of those assholes right now. I meant, we can raid the liquor cabinet,” he said.
“Isn’t that cliché of us to get drunk while his parents are away?” Zachary asked.
I knew she had a point that it was typical high school norm, but wasn’t that the point? We wanted to get back to being normal teenagers, and it was to get drunk on a Saturday night with some of your best friends.
Ben walked into the living room with a bottle of vodka and some coke. He handed us some shot glasses. “We’ve had a shitty couple of months. Don’t you think we deserve this?” he asked, having a shot glass in front of Zachary’s face.
She sighed and rolled her eyes. She knew that Ben was right. “Fine, but I’m not getting drunk,” she said.
“Why?” Cass asked. “You’re trying not to get drunk on White Claws and puke again?” She asked.
Zachary glared at her. “I didn’t know you could get drunk on those things. You could barely taste the damn alcohol in them,” she said.
Everyone giggled. I raised my glass. “To us,” I said.
They looked at me. “Why us?” Ben asked.
“Because this might be one of the last times, we are all in the same place. We’re all going to different colleges in a couple of months,” I paused for a moment. “Shit, we’re really graduating in a couple of weeks,” I said. I couldn’t believe it was already April. We were about to have Prom in a couple of months, we would get our cap and gowns, take our senior portraits, and say our goodbyes. We would pack up things, get into the car, and watch as our hometown life fades away in the rearview mirror, while we strive in city lights and our dreams.
Cass got off the couch and walked over to me. She sat on the edge of the chair. “But it’s not like we’re going to stop talking to each other, right?” she asked, looking at the three of us.
“I don’t think we could ever stop being friends with each other. We’re all bonded for life because of what Gabe did,” Ben said.
Zachary slapped him on the chest. “That didn’t bond us together forever. We’re bonded because we’ve spent the last three years getting to know each other.”
I didn’t want to disagree with Zachary. We didn’t really know each other at all. Shit, we didn’t even know ourselves. We wanted to believe that we were open and honest with each other, but I looked around the room. Each of us was keeping something for the rest of the group. I doubted that meant we were bonded forever together.
Cass stood up. “And we promise to each other that we continue to keep in touch with each other now and into the future,” she said, looking at us.
We all promised as we cheered to our friendship. We all took our shot and shuttered at the after burn. It didn’t matter how many times you taste alcohol; you still had that slight shudder after taking a shot. “Can we stop being depressing now?” Zachary asked.
She walked over to the stereo. “I came here to have fun, and I plan to do so. Screw the movie, let’s dance,” she said.
“I’m not dancing with you, assholes,” Ben said.
Cass pouted and laid her head on Ben’s shoulder. “Because you don’t want anyone to see your bad dancing moves?” she asked.
Ben shrugged her off and gave her a dirty look. “Fuck you,” he said. He walked over to grab the bottle of vodka. He turned to look at me. “You better be taking a shot with me before we start dancing with these two,” he said.
I waved my hands. “I think I’ll stick to just sitting and watching you guys dance,” I said. I felt like the outsider in their little group, and they were all having a moment. I just wanted to watch in awe that these three incredible humans would let me in their circle. They spent this time getting to know me, and I was forever grateful to them. I wanted them to dance and have a second where they weren’t worried about me.
Ben shook his head. “Hard pass. If I have to dance, then you do too.” He walked over and grabbed my hand. I tried to fight him, but he was stronger than me.
“Ben, I’m okay sitting on the sidelines,” I said.
“Well, we aren’t okay with that,” Zachary said. She turned the music up. It was some stupid pop song that was popular that week.
Cass started moving her hands in the air. “I just want to say fuck it all.” She closed her eyes and swayed to the music.
We all watched Cass dance and we saw how freeing it was for her. We saw how much she let go in that second, and we craved that for ourselves. We spent the night taking shots of vodka, letting the music take over our bodies, and forgot about any problems we were facing. We promised each other that we would stay in touch in the future, but we didn’t know if we ever would be able to fulfill that promise. The one thing I did know was, in this moment, we were four friends trying our best to find happiness, clarity, and our place in this beautiful universe.
Chapter Forty-One
Lane
“Dee, I don’t see why I need to be here,” I said, as we walked into Jefferson's house. He had his monthly brunch for everyone in the poetry club. It was for all of us to come together and talk about what was going on with our works. He started it at the beginning of the year when Colby suggested it.
Dee looked at me. “Seriously? Your boyfriend started this. You used to love coming to these things,” she said.
I crossed my arms. I might have been a little aggressive because I still had a hangover from the night before with Zachary, Cass, and Ben. “I remember very vividly that Jefferson wanted nothing to do with me, and Colby not sticking up for me,” I said.
“That’s because you and Colby had just started dating. He didn’t know how else to defend you without revealing you two were together.” I knew Dee would take his side. I guess she did have a point about how Colby was supposed to defend me but keep us a secret.
I looked at Jefferson’s front door, and I remembered the first time I came here. I was a shaking mess, and Colby thought it was adorable.
“Why are you so nervous?” he asked. “You’ve known this guy all of high school.”
I looked at him. “Yeah, and I’ve been the quiet one in the corner. You didn’t give a shit about me until recently.”
Colby shrugged. “Maybe because I was focused on other things that were superficial.” He leaned forward and gave me a chaste kiss. “We’re going to have a good time.”
He didn’t give me a chance to respond before he opened the door to the house. We walked into this homey house. He escorted me to the stairs that led us to the basement that everyone was hanging out in. People were in a circle. I could smell the weed the moment we got to the basement.
Colby started saying his hellos to everyone. He tried to introduce me as much as he could, but I could see that he was restrained becaus
e he didn’t know how much I would feel comfortable with all eyes on me.
Dee walked up to me. She was the only one of Colby’s friends that knew the truth about us, and I liked us to have someone that was secretly rooting for us. Colby was busy talking to others and left me alone.
“You don’t need to be scared,” she said, handing me a joint.
I had smoked weed before, and it wasn’t peer pressure in my mind. I took the joint and took a hit. I was hoping it would help with my anxiety. “I just hate feeling like I’m this outsider. I’m trying to be part of his life, but I don’t feel so welcomed.” I glanced over to Jefferson glaring at me.
She tapped me on the shoulder. “I wouldn’t worry too much. He’s all bark, no bite.”
Colby came up to me and told me to join them for a game. We all were in a circle. It was kind of a poetry battle, but if you lost there were three options and depending on the judges what you took. Alcohol, weed, or acid were the three punishments, but to Jefferson, they were more of rewards.
“I don’t want to play this game,” I said, taking a seat next to Colby. I must have said it loud enough, because Jefferson looked at me.
“It’s all about opening your mind. We’re here to have fun.” He leaned forward. “Are you telling me that you’re a wet blanket?”
I felt frustrated. “That’s not what I’m saying. I just feel like it’s a bit intense.”
Jefferson looked at Colby. “You came with Colby. I assumed he would have told you all about these games. He loved them when we dated. I guess he went opposite of me in his new love interest.”
“He’s not my boyfriend,” Colby quickly said. I knew he was trying to protect me, but I wished he didn’t have to deny it so fast. “He’s just a friend I’ve taken under my wing.”
I smiled weakly. “Exactly. You don’t need to worry about him changing, because he’s still the same guy you feel for.”
Jefferson raised an eyebrow before taking a swig of beer. “Fine. Let’s play then. We can go easy on you,” he said.
The game started, and people started creating poetry off of each other. Eventually, someone lost and had to choose their punishment. It eventually got to Colby and Jefferson.
I watched as they engaged with each other and how passionate they got with each other. Colby always told me they did this, but I didn’t realize how in sync they were.
Eventually, Jefferson lost. He smirked. “I miss these battles,” he said.
I turned to see a fond smile on Colby’s face. “Me too.”
Everyone could feel the chemistry between them. I took a sip of my drink. “I’m going to get some air.” I stood up.
“But you’re next,” Jefferson said.
“I know damn well that I’m not as good as you guys.”
Jefferson put a tab of acid on his tongue. He chuckled. “We all know that.”
I was waiting for Colby to respond, but he didn’t. I just walked away from the group to get some air. I felt my anxiety building up and just needed a damn minute to feel like I wasn’t trapped.
I heard the door open. I turned to see Colby standing there. “Are you okay?” he asked.
“Like you care. You could have defended me in there.”
“I don’t know what to say or do. Lane, you want to stay in the closet, and I know if I defend you too much that people might suspect. I’m trying to be there for you.”
I knew he was respecting my wishes, but he didn’t have to be silent. “You could have defended me as a friend. I get that he’s your ex but seeing how deeply connected you two are makes me jealous.”
He walked over and kissed me on the lips. “I know. We were dating for two years. He helped me through my dad’s brain cancer. He was the perfect distraction, and he was strong enough from me through it.”
“And you don’t think I can’t be?” I asked. Colby’s dad was still going through chemo, but they were optimistic. They were finally seeing the edge of the woods.
“Sometimes, I don’t think I can be weak with you. I don’t think you can handle it,” he said.
“But Jefferson can?” I asked.
“Lane, I love you, but he’s my closest friend. I gave up using him to distract me from my dad, but I’ll still have a part of me that needs to lean on him. I still will always have so much love for him. We were each other’s first love, and you’ll never forget your first.”
“Okay,” I said, but it wasn’t going to end. Colby might have said he was over Jefferson, but he never would be. We would never have this grand connection they had, and I feared by Colby’s actions that I was just Jefferson’s rebound.
I came back to the present looking at Dee. “Sorry, I can’t be here.” I turned to walk away.
“Because of Jefferson?” she asked.
“Yes. No matter what I do or think. Him and Colby had a greater love story than we did. I feel like I took away Jefferson’s right to be Colby’s grieving boyfriend.”
Dee walked up to me. She wiped a tear away. “Colby loved you so much more than Jefferson, and I’m waiting for the day for you to realize that.”
“I don’t think that day will come,” I said.
Chapter Forty-Two
Ben
I knew it was stupid to come here, but I had so much anger toward this woman. I had been trying to get my father to talk to me about what happened between him and my mother, but he always dodged the question. I was tired of people keeping me out of the loop. I was over people feeling like they needed to protect me from something. I was strong enough to deal with anything, and I needed answers. I needed to know the truth about my parents, especially since I couldn’t stop thinking about what I overheard at Chet’s poker party.
I knocked on the door a couple of times. It was an odd sensation that I felt unwelcomed in the house that I grew up. Glenda opened the door and greeted me. She had been the housekeeper for years.
“It’s so good to see you, Benjamin,” she said, giving me a hug.
“Where is she?” I asked.
She pointed towards the dining room. “She’s expecting a guest tonight,” she said.
“Thank you,” I said. I stormed into the dining room where my mother was playing around with flower arrangements. “Why did you kick us out?” I asked.
My mother had jet black hair pulled into a hair bun. She had dark blue eyes, and she was very thin. She always wore a diamond necklace that my father gave her years ago, and a pearl bracelet she had passed down from her mother. She looked at me. “It’s been over a month, and you’re now coming to me about this,” she said.
“Because I thought it was some kind of fight. I thought you two would have worked it out by now.” I noticed that she still wore her wedding ring. I thought maybe that could have been a good sign.
She smirked. “There’s nothing about this that could have been worked out.”
“Why not?” I asked.
She stopped what she was doing to look at me. “Are you serious right now? Your father hasn’t told you anything?”
“He’s told me that I’m not old enough to understand.”
She laughed. “You followed a man into battle blindly. You clearly aren’t the man that I raised,” she said.
I felt a little angry in that moment. “You didn’t raise me at all. You were too busy forcing me into some family political agenda. You were off making a good name for yourself.”
She slapped the table. “That’s what a Howard is supposed to do. You believed in all of this until recently. You were gladly okay being part of the Howard dynasty,” she said.
I thought about what my dad said about me wanting to be a fireman growing up. “Except you took away my dreams,” I said.
She rolled her eyes. “Your dreams of being a fireman. I’m sorry that as a mother I didn’t want you running into burning buildings. You could help people by passing laws and making a real change to this country.”
“Mom, you know damn well any politician in this family hasn’t done shit for th
e good of people,” I said. I was angry at the fact that she truly thought we were some beacon of help to the people in need.
“Like I said, just like your father. I gave you everything in life. You got access to the best outcome for your life, and you’re trying to throw it all away right now.”
I crossed my arms. “How so, mom? How am I throwing my life away? I got into Princeton. I’m keeping my grades up. Shit, I have to get a job, because I now have to help support dad with bills. You threw us out like fucking trash.”
“So, I’m the bad guy now?” She crossed her arms. “I guess your father hasn’t told you the whole story,” she said.
“Why can’t anyone tell me what’s going on?” I asked.
She walked over to sit in front of me. “This is called a life lesson; you need to learn very quickly. Not everyone is cruel or good. I might come off as a horrible person, but I’ve always been honest and fair. I doubt your father could say the same about himself.” She stood up. “You can see yourself out,” she said.
“Because I chose my father over you?”
“No, you didn’t want to stay with me. I know damn well what my faults are, but you still chose him. I told you that your father isn’t a good man, and you still stuck with him.”
I leaned my hands on the table. “Because no one has told me what happened. I see a man that wants me to follow my dreams. I see someone that got me out of that prison you kept me in my entire life. I was screaming to be freed, and he helped me escape.”
“You had no problem with the money, the parties, and the power connected to it. Do you honestly think you would have gotten away with the stunt you pulled last year?”
“I only pulled that stunt because you forced me to apply to Princeton, and you told me my future was in politics. You took every ounce of control that I have from making the decisions I wanted to make,” I said.
“I really did enjoy the soap box you’re trying to sit on right now,” she said. “Why are you here?” she asked.
“Because I want to know what happened between you and dad. I want to know how we can fix it and become a family.”