by Zachary Ryan
She looked at me for a second. “No, you’re here trying to get back all the perks of being a Howard again. You don’t like that you have to work for something. I might be a cold bitch, but I’m not going to raise a self-entitled brat anymore. I’m happy that you chose to live with your dad. I think you need a tough lesson from the real world.”
I knew a huge part of me was here for that. It pained me when Chet called me out like that. I was tired of feeling like my power was being taken away from me. I saw people caring less and less about me. I knew I shouldn't care, but I wanted to be the great Ben Howard again. “Let me back in,” I said.
She got up and kissed me on the forehead. “This is the most beautiful blessing in disguise. You need to realize you have to work for everything you want. I shouldn’t have just handed you everything. You might think that your father is giving you freedom, but it’s all built on a bed of bullshit. Your father isn’t this great man you think he is.”
“So, tell me,” I said.
She walked away from me. “I have a party to plan. It’s time for you to go,” she said. She had two housekeepers usher me out and slam the door in my face. I looked at the door wondering what my mother was hinting at, and why she had so much anger toward my decision to go with my father? It was once again a series of events that people were keeping from me, and I was damn sick of it.
Chapter Forty-Three
Cass
“He’s good for you,” Gabe said, as I was fixing my make-up in the bathroom. Edgar had taken me to some low-key restaurant a couple of miles out of town. He said it was one of his favorite places to go, and he wanted to make it special.
I turned to look at Gabe. “I don’t need your approval about who I’m dating.”
“Because you hate to admit that I was right about Jarele. I told you he wasn’t good for you,” he said. “You didn’t want to listen to me even at spring fling.”
I turned to look at him. “I’m not getting into this with you. I’m going to go out there and enjoy my date.” I put my make-up back in my purse. “I won’t have a discussion with you about spring fling.”
I knew that my last conversation with Gabe wasn’t the sweetest of words. I knew that he was trying to help, but I just didn’t care. I was just trying to live my life the best that I could. “I’m trying to make myself believe that ending things with Jarele was the best decision. I don’t need you prying,” I said.
I didn’t look at him. I needed to get out of the bathroom. I had spent too many nights crying over him, and I just wanted to enjoy myself. I wanted to go out there and have a nice conversation with a cute boy.
I walked out of the bathroom and I saw Edgar looking nervous. I thought it was sweet to see him fidgeting. I walked over and took my seat. “Sorry about that. I just wanted to fix my make-up.”
He blushed. “I thought you were trying to run out the back door,” he said.
I reached over and squeezed his hand. “I would never do that to anyone. I know what it’s like to feel like the rejected duckling,” I said. I picked up my glass of water and took a sip. I smiled at him because I wanted him to understand that I’m not so different than him.
“Really? I doubt that. You’re so popular and pretty.”
“I’m only popular because of my ex,” I said. It was so awkward to consider him that. I thought Jarele was my whole world, and now, he was going to be a memory that I took with me to college.
“What were you like before him?” he asked.
I smiled fondly thinking back before Jarele came into my life. “All I cared about was dance. I would take any class that I could. I felt so alive just learning a new routine, coming home sore from it, or just embracing the music with my body. It was my escape from the horrors that were happening in my life.”
“Why’d you stop?” he asked. “I understand what it’s like to find your creative outlet, and you just want to run with it. I have the same thing when it comes to my writing. I don’t write poetry like everyone else, but I enjoy my short stories.”
“I slowed down because I was in love. I wanted to spend so much time with Jarele,” I said. He had become my rock, and I felt like I didn’t need to dance anymore. Dance had lost its power when Jarele saved me that first time. I gave him the power to be my source of happiness.
“What about now? Would you go back?” he asked.
I looked at him and I didn’t know. I now had all this free time, and Jarele wasn’t my source of happiness again. I was terrified that maybe dance wouldn’t be enough to keep the demons out. “I might have to give it more of a try. I spent so much time at parties and being Jarele’s arm candy. Dance took a back seat. I still went to practice and recitals, but I never had any solo performances or did any private rehearsals.”
“You should never give up on what you love,” he said.
It was nice to enjoy my time with Edgar. It was refreshing having a conversation that wasn’t filled with baggage and hurt. I knew deep down that Edgar wouldn’t be more than a distraction, so I didn’t breakdown from the pain of my damaged heart.
Chapter Forty-Four
Lane
“I have a question for all of you,” Dr. Clarkson said. She looked at the four of us. “Have any of you talked to Gabe’s mother since the shooting?” he asked.
We all looked at each other. “We felt like we needed to keep our space from her,” Cass said. “I know it can’t be easy for her.” I knew Cass was remembering the time we drove by her house, and we saw that it was destroyed by spray paint, trash, and bricks.
Zachary looked over at us. “Should we talk to her?” she asked. She turned to Dr. Clarkson. “Should we have made an effort to keep in touch with her?”
Dr. Clarkson wrote something down. “I don’t know. I think that she would like to feel some connection to her son. She has been fed all these stories about how much of a monster he is.”
“But he was,” I said. I couldn’t sit here and act like he was just some innocent victim in all of this, especially, after the last conversation I had with him.
Everyone turned to look at me. “You were the closest to him,” Ben said.
“Yeah, but it didn’t mean that I suspected he would do anything like this. It wasn’t like…” I let the thought drift away. I looked down at my fingers. I could feel myself starting to feel like I was trapped. “I need some air,” I said. I stood up and walked out of the room.
I walked out of the building and let the breeze control my nerves. I took a couple of breaths, and I felt like I was getting a better sense of control. I heard the door open. I turned to see Zachary walking out. “And people say I’m the dramatic one,” she said, with a smirk.
I let out a pitiful laugh. “Sorry, it just became too much in there.”
She shrugged and walked over to me. “I’ve been wondering when it would get easier. I think maybe today will be the day it all goes back to normal. I continue to believe that this is just all a stupid nightmare.”
“No, he was the nightmare,” I said. “I can’t sit here and believe that he was just the sad side of bullying. There was nothing delightful about the guy.” I knew my judgement was clouded.
“Lane, he was pushed to his breaking point. People continue to say mental illness, and it might be true. We’ve all had some trauma that has left us a little messed up. None of us are truly happy and bright. We’ve all got a little bit of darkness in us. We’re all just trying to find a way to keep it from consuming us,” she said.
“Do you think that happened to Gabe?” I asked. “Do you believe he had nothing that he could live for?”
Zachary didn’t look at me. “He wrote me a letter that confessed his love to me on spring fling. I told him that I didn’t find him attractive like that,” she said. She turned to me, and I saw the tears in her eyes. “What if…”
I shook my head. I pulled her into a hug. I needed to comfort her. “This is why I think he’s a monster. We’re now all carrying the guilt he should be for what he di
d. We’re all looking at our actions wondering if we could have done things differently,” I said. It was what I told myself every night when the dark thoughts decided to come cuddle into bed with me as that memory kept replaying in my mind.
“I want my life back,” she said.
I rubbed her back. “Eventually, we are going to get there. We just have to stop giving him that power,” I said.
She wrapped her arms around me for a hug. “I wish it was just the fucking shooting,” she said.
I leaned back and looked at her with curious eyes. “What do you mean?” I asked.
She shook her head. “I’d rather keep it to myself for now.” She broke the hug. She grabbed my hand though. “It’s good to get it off my chest, though. I needed a good cry.”
“I think we all need it,” I said.
She laughed and wiped a tear. “I don’t think anyone needs to see Ben crying.”
“Why because I’m an ugly crier?” Ben asked, as he and Cass walked out of the door.
Zachary nodded. “You just have such an ugly face,” she said.
“You did cry at the end of Perks of Being a Wallflower, and it wasn’t cute,” Cass said.
Ben nudged her. “At least I don’t cry at every rom com movie that comes on,” he said. “I cry at something meaningful.”
We all started to laugh. I looked at them. I wanted to ask them the same question I asked Zachary. “When are we going to be normal again? When are we allowed to be kids again?” I asked, and none of us could answer it truthfully.
Chapter Fifty-Five
Cass
“Do we honestly need to be here?” Ben asked, as he was picking up trash from Gabe’s yard.
I couldn’t sleep the night prior after therapy session. Dr. Clarkson had been right. We hadn’t kept in contact with Gabe’s mom, and we should have. “We’re doing this as a nice gesture,” I said.
“Why?” Lane looked at me with curious eyes.
I was fed up with everyone complaining about being here. “Because Gabe’s mom was more of a mother to me than my own. I know damn well you guys connected with her too. She’s a sweet woman that doesn’t deserve any of this bullshit,” I said.
“It’s good to see you still look at me with such fond eyes,” Gabe’s mother, Candice said.
Everyone turned to look at Candice standing there on the porch. She hadn’t done her hair in a while. You could see the gray mixing in with her reddish hair. You could see the bags under her eyes. The woman that had always been so sweet to us, had become an empty shell. She always had a petite frame, but she, in this moment, looked fragile.
“Ms. Athens,” Zachary said. “We didn’t know you’d be here.”
She walked down the porch toward us. We didn’t know how she would react to us. We hadn’t come to see her in months, and we didn’t know if it was appropriate for us to be here. We hoped we didn’t cause her more pain than she deserved.
She touched the side of Zachary’s face before looking at us. “I wish I could leave, but there is a part of me that can’t run away from this place,” she said. She looked around at the mess. “It’s quite tragic when everyone’s true nature comes out during tragedies,” she said. “Why don’t you guys come inside? You don’t need to clean up. It will continue to pile up. God knows I’ve learned that lesson.
We didn’t argue with her. We walked inside, and she had boxes all over the place. We could tell that she was trying to move. She ushered us to the kitchen. We had always remembered it as a bright space. There would always be fresh cookies on the table whenever we came over to see Gabe.
“Can I grab you guys anything?” she asked.
“We’re good,” Ben said.
She turned around to look at us. She smirked. “You’ve always been the type of people to never take from someone else,” she said. She opened the fridge and pulled out a glass of lemonade.
We all looked at each other. This wasn’t the same Candice that we loved. She wasn’t the type of mom that asked us all about our love lives, drama, or what we were failing in school. We all looked at Lane, because we hoped that he had some way of getting her to open up to us the most.
He rolled his eyes. We knew he didn’t want to have that conversation with her. “Are you okay?” Lane asked.
She placed the pitcher of lemonade down. “You raise this sweet boy. You give him nothing but love and attention his whole life. You continue to tell him that the world loves him, and he’s going to find his place. You give him a safe space to be himself.” She grabbed an empty glass. “He then goes and shoots up a school. This being, you’ve fallen in love with the moment he develops a personality ends up being a true nightmare for so many people. How do you come back from that?” She asked looking at each one of us.
We all looked at each other. “We don’t know,” I said. I wanted to give Gabe’s mom some kind of closure, but we didn’t know how to give it to her.
She wiped some tears. “I always worried Gabe wouldn’t find his people, but I thought he did because of you four. I thought that he was loved in this world.” She walked over to the cabinet and pulled out some cookies. “He was supposed to be loved,” she said.
Zachary walked over and put her hand on Candice’s shoulder. “He was loved by all of us,” she said.
Gabe’s mother turned to her. She just broke down in Zachary’s embrace. We all got up and walked over to give Gabe’s mother the embrace that we should have given Gabe so many years ago.
She laughed a little. “I’m supposed to be taking care of all of you. Zachary with your auditions, Cass with her boy drama, Ben with your future, and Lane with your acceptance. You shouldn’t be worried about little ole me.”
“But we want to, Ms. Athens,” Ben started.
“I told you, Candice,” Ms. Athens’ said.
“Candice, you’ve always been there for each of us. You have no clue how much we’ve needed you in our lives. We want to make sure you’re okay. We don’t want you to think we’ve abandoned you,” Ben said.
I could see the small part of Ben’s emotions coming out. It was something I never thought he would be able to do. “We might have been your son’s friends, but I felt like we were your children, too,” I said.
She looked at us and we saw a broken human in front of us. “Then can you explain to me what I did wrong? Where did I go wrong as a parent?” she asked. She looked us all in the eyes. “Where did I fail as a mother where my child wanted to kill ten people? I need to know what I could have done to change what happened,” she said.
We all were so silent ,because we didn’t know how to respond to her question. We felt uncomfortable, because she had always been the one filled with answers. Now, she wanted us to figure out her own mysterious.
“We don’t know,” Zachary said. “All we tried to do was be his friend and love him as much as we could.”
She looked at all of us. “I wish he understood how much you guys meant to him. I wish he knew how much he was loved. We all could have stopped all of this,” she said. “You guys get out of here. I know you only have a couple of weeks before senior year is over. Go enjoy it and don’t worry about me,” she said.
She ushered us out of her house. She gave us a sweet smile before she closed the door. “He didn’t deserve a mother like that,” Ben said. “She actually gave a shit about her child, and he took it for fucking granted,” he said.
I reached out and squeezed his hand. “We all wish we had a mother like Gabe’s,” I said. We all were envious of Gabe because of Candice. It killed us that she wondered if she was a good parent because of Gabe’s actions. We left that house feeling hollow because we were too young to give her the comfort she was looking for.
Chapter Forty-Six
Ben
I didn’t know why I felt so out of place. I was in the corner drinking my beer being anti-social. I knew now how Lane felt when he came to a party. I saw Chloe glaring at me. She stormed over to me. “I didn’t invite you to my house for you to
be such an awkward weirdo in the corner,” she said.
I shrugged. “I don’t know anyone here. Shit, I’m so much younger than them,” I said.
She rolled her eyes. “Half these people work with us. Why don’t you come be social and stop being such a baby?” she asked.
I took a sip of my drink. “I think that I’m good in the corner.”
She crossed her arms. “Aw, he doesn’t want to put in the work to try to meet people,” she said.
“That’s not it at all,” I said. I was so tired of everyone thinking that I just was just trying to take the easy route out of everything. I’ve had things handed to me, but I also had a lot of strings attached to those perks.
“Then what is this all about?” she asked.
I looked at them. “I can’t give these people anything. What’s the point of them getting to know me?” I asked.
“Is that what all your relationships are all about?” she asked.
“At my high school, my status is important. People want something from me all the time. I have to act a certain way.”
“You got a fucked-up school then,” she said. She grabbed my hand. “These people want to get to know you, that’s all. You come to work, make your money, and then you leave. The only reason I know you is because we work together the most.”
“Maybe I don’t want to let anyone in,” I said.
“Because you have to be vulnerable. No one is expecting you to get on a chair and tell us your sob story.” She grabbed my drink. “And I know you don’t want your only label to be as that’s a kid that was part of the school shooting,” she said.
She had a very good point right then. I knew people looked at me with concerned eyes, and they were trying to figure out how to talk to me. “People won’t like me.” I looked at Lane, Cass, and Zachary. They had a hard time with me because they didn’t feel like they could open to me.