Silent Screams

by Zachary Ryan

  “Why are you so hard on yourself?” she asked.

  I looked across the crowd to see Gabe standing there with a smirk on his face. I hated how smug he looked. “I think I’m going to go. I have a project due tomorrow, and I need to get it done,” I said.

  I walked toward the stairs and out of the apartment complex. I was outside and Gabe was standing there. “You won’t let anyone in because you know damn well, they’re going to see how horrible you are.”

  “You’re always playing the fucking victim,” I said.

  “And you’re always playing the bully.”

  “I was never a bully to you. I fucking tried to have your back, but there was high school politics involved. I have to play a certain type of person. You knew damn well how much I struggled at home trying to be myself,” I said.

  “Who are you talking to?” Chloe asked.

  I turned to see her walking out of the apartment complex. I ran my fingers through my hair. “No one,” I said, looking at Gabe.

  “It sounded like nothing. You want to actually explain to me what’s going on, or you're going to keep pushing me out,” she said.

  “You won’t understand,” I said.

  “Because I wasn’t part of a school shooting. I won’t understand those types of feelings,” she said, walking over and leaning on a car. “You’re right, I won’t. But I understand what it’s like not to open up to people. I was a military brat. I would always open up to people, but we had to move over and over again. I eventually stopped, and I didn’t really have friends. I moved to Chicago, and I made damn sure I’d make friends here and stay around long enough to keep those connections.

  “I’ve always grown up to be a certain image. It’s in my family that we are meant to keep a dignified persona about ourselves. I’ve always felt like I was trapped by that. I’ve never let anyone in because I felt growing up my mother didn’t like the personality that I was trying to be. I was stuck being the perfect role for her motives. I’ve been told too many times that I’ve been cold, and I need to be vulnerable. I wasn’t raised that way.” It felt good to let these emotions out, but I didn’t feel like it was going to change anything.

  “You’re graduating in a couple of weeks from high school. You won’t see these people ever again. I think it’s time you realized that.” She stood off the car. “There are a bunch of people in there right now that don’t know you. You can let those walls down and let people in. If they don’t like you, then who cares.”

  “I would.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I want everyone to like me,” I said. I was trained my whole life to be liked and be popular.

  She leaned forward. “Not everyone is going to like you. You need to get over that habit right now.” She grabbed my hand and pulled me up. “We’re going inside and you’re going to have a good time,” she said.

  I knew there was no fighting her. I went inside to have conversations with everyone. I put on a character for them like I did for everyone else in the world. They liked the person that I was portraying to them. The only problem with all of that was, I didn’t know who the actual me was. I had always been known as Ben Howard, but that was something my mother created. My biggest question was what would the Ben Howard I created be?

  Chapter Forty-Eight

  Lane

  I was in my bathroom looking at my scar. I had a lot on my mind since poetry club. Dee wanted me to read something, but I continued to be an observer instead of a star.

  I heard a knock on the door. I turned to see my mother walking in with a soft smile. “I just wanted to see how you’re doing,” she said.

  “I’m fine, mom. I just have a lot on my mind,” I said.

  She looked down at my arm. I could see on her face that she was clearly uncomfortable. “Is there something you want to talk about?” she asked.

  I looked at her and then at my hand. “I’m not trying to kill myself again,” I said. I knew I hadn’t had time to have thoughts about it. I spent all summer in therapy, and all year falling for Colby, and now dealing with the shooting.

  She walked over and placed a hand on my shoulder. “We’ve always loved you. We want you to know that”

  “Mom, I’m not going to get into it again with you.” I knew she loved me. They had been so great with me lately, and I felt myself getting frustrated. “I just want nothing more than for the wall I have against you guys to break down,” I said. I wanted nothing more than to accept my parents for who they were at the moment. I got lucky that they accepted me, but I feared they had alternative motives.

  “Because you’re still not healed from how we’ve been your whole life. I wish we could let go of the past and move forward.”

  I looked at her in the reflection of the mirror. “Too bad the past loves do hold a grudge.”

  She kneeled in front of me. “We're just ready for you to realize how much you’re special and to be proud of your true self.”

  “Myself.” I choked out a bitter laugh. “The three people that knew the truth were terrible to me.”

  “Colby loved you.”

  “Then he left me,” I said.

  “He was killed,” she said, in a soft tone.

  I shook my head. “Mom, I need to take a shower and get some homework done.”

  She looked like she was going to fight me but kissed me on the forehead. “Okay.” She got up and walked out of the room.

  I thought about all the promises Colby told me as I took off my clothes. He always told me he would be with me no matter what. We would go through life together and make me realize I should be proud of my homosexuality.

  I turned on the hot water thinking about Gabe and what he did with my true self. I got into the shower trying to block out that last night with Gabe. I wanted nothing more to not think of the blackmail, but then I thought of DJ. I felt the hot water on my water and the slight sting. I remembered the moments that lead up to me trying to take my life.

  We had been playing video games at his house in his basement. It had been one of our favorite things to do after we finished our group projects together. We had both taken AP Calculus together.

  DJ and I sat next to each other in class. We would help each other with homework and study for tests. He took me under his wing since he was a senior, while I was a junior and invited me over for video game night with his friends or after parties from football games. I went to a couple of the parties, but it wasn’t my scene.

  He never tried to push me to be more social or likable. He let me be myself and I never felt comfortable with anyone else beside him.

  I looked at him after I killed his guy. “You’re going to need to get better when you go off to college,” I said. I tried to keep my tone neutral. I didn’t want him to know that the idea of him leaving destroyed me. I knew when I met him, that he was a senior, and he’d have to leave eventually.

  He pulled some of his long, blackish hair behind his ear. I always dreamed of his olive skin at night. I wouldn’t deny that I haven’t had fantasies of his stubble scratch along my neck or him just looking at me intensely with his hazel eyes. I just wanted to be cared for and protected in his arms. He was my first love, and I wanted nothing more than it to have a somewhat happy ending before he went to college.

  He laughed with his strong laugh and looked at me with his crooked smile. “I’m going to get worse, because I’ll be too busy at parties and my horrible attempt at keeping my grades up.”

  I laughed with him. “You were always a slacker,” I said. I felt the nerves bubbling over.

  “Too bad I can’t take you with me,” he said, while looking me in the eyes with those beautiful hazel eyes.

  I didn’t know why that was the moment I decided to show my love for him. I lunged forward and kissed him on the lips. He was a bigger guy than me and there was no way I could tackle him.

  It only lasted a second, before he pushed me off of him and stood up. “Lane, what the fuck was that.” I saw how startled he was. />
  I stood up and backed away. I realized that I had thrown myself at the only friend I really had, and I semi came out in that moment. “You’ve always been sweet to me. I don’t know what I was thinking. I thought maybe just maybe...” I let the thought go.

  “Lane, I’ve been nice to you because I felt bad for you. You’re never really around people, and I didn’t want you to go through high school with no friends.”

  I looked at him angrily. “I have friends.”

  “Those kids that sit at the lunch table aren’t your friends. They barely speak to you when we bump into them at parties.”

  I felt the tears fall down my face. “So, you’re only friends with me because of pity?” I asked.

  “Lane, that’s not what I’m trying to say.”

  I grabbed my jacket. “Don’t worry about this. I’ll leave you alone. Forget any of this. I don’t want to be your charity case anymore.” I didn’t say anything. I stormed out of his house. I had fallen for a guy that only pitied me. I was just a charity case. Why would anyone want to love someone so pathetic?

  I grabbed my bike and rode off. I felt myself breaking down. I got back to myself. I opened the door and there were my parents standing there. I wiped the tears away. “What?” I asked.

  “We need to talk to you about something,” my mom said.

  My dad handed me my tablet that had a gay porn site shown. “Is there something you need to tell us?” he asked.

  I couldn’t do this right now. I was just rejected by the guy that was my first love. I wanted nothing more than to have a happy ending with him and it was all crushed. Now, my parents were going to reject me. I thought back to what DJ said. I wasn’t loved at all. People didn’t care about me.

  I felt the anxiety take over. I felt myself losing control and I didn’t want to feel like I was just a passenger in my own life. I wanted to take control, and I wanted my heart to stop hurting.

  “No,” I screamed. I ran up the stairs and locked my door.

  I heard the banging on my door from my parents. I walked into my bathroom. I had a knife on the bathroom sink. I didn’t know why it was there, but I was grateful in that moment. I would be free from all the pain and pity people felt for me. I grabbed the knife and pressed it to my skin.

  I took in a deep breath pushing the memory back. I stumbled in the shower, until my back was on the cool tile. I hadn’t realized how much I had been crying. I felt the walls caving in, and I sat down on the floor of the shower. I curled my knees together and rested my chin on them. I let the hot water turn cold as I let out the emotions I had building inside of me.

  I wanted the negative thoughts to stop consuming me. I wanted to believe Cass, Zachary, and Ben were friends with me, for me. I wanted to believe they didn’t pity me. I wished Colby was still here to make it all feel better and give me my happy ending. I prayed my parents stood up against all the homophobes of the world. My life has told me that none of the things I wanted, wished, or prayed for would come true. I was just a kid trapped in the closet by pity and shame, and I desired nothing more than for someone to love the ugliness that was me.

  Chapter Forty-Nine

  Zachary

  “Did you seriously give me detention because I was grabbing something from my car?” I asked, walking into Ms. Rey’s classroom.

  She looked at me with a smirk. “Maybe next time, you don’t walk away from an audition because the performance wasn’t everything you expected it to be.”

  I crossed my arms. “That was weeks ago. You’re already well into rehearsals.”

  She stood up. “Trust me, I know. Marylyn is making it all about her and her damn dressing room. You were supposed to be my escape from that girl,” she said.

  I laughed. “Maybe that’s why I choked during my audition.”

  Ms. Rey walked over to the door and closed it. She only closed the door when she had bad news. I was nervous when she turned around and looked at me. “Or maybe, it’s because you lost your ability to sing in perfect key,” she said.

  I was taken aback because I thought I played it off well enough. “I can still sing.”

  “Then sing me a couple of bars.”

  I looked at her with a frustrated expression. “I don’t have anything to prove to you.”

  “Because you don’t want me to be disappointed?” she asked.

  I hated how much she knew me. I wanted nothing more than for her to look at me like I was one of the ones that let their ego get the best of them. “Stop thinking that I’m more fragile than I am. I’m a bitch that has too big of an ego.” I wanted to get out of the room. I stormed for the door.

  She blocked me. “A bitch with a big ego wouldn’t admit that to themselves or anyone else. Clearly, there’s something going on with you.”

  I looked at her. “You want the truth. Yes, I found out that my singing abilities were taken away from me after my surgery during winter break. I thought if I rested and took care of myself, I would have been ready for the spring musical, but I was wrong.”

  “And you decided to tell no one?” she asked.

  “And ask for pity or sympathy after what happened at our school. Do you think I deserve it?”

  She crossed her arms. “And the real reason you aren’t telling people?” she asked.

  “That is the real reason.”

  “That might be what you’re telling yourself, but we know how well of an actress you can be. I’ll admit yes, it is terrible you can’t tell the world the truth about something like that after what we went through. But we’ve learned from that incident, because we want everyone to feel open about coming forward with their problems.”

  “I don’t see the point. It’s not like it’s going to change anything. I’m still a failure in everyone’s eyes. I was supposed to be the star of the damn show, and I’m stuck on the sidelines.” I moved around her.

  “You can still be a star in your own rights.”

  I laughed. “And disappoint my parents even more. I’ll let them continue to believe I’m still a talented singer. I’ll make them believe I was worth being a Vincent child.”

  “It will eventually catch up to you.”

  “So, let me live in this lie just a little bit longer?” I asked. I knew she was right. My fantasy would eventually come crashing down. I would have to tell them the truth and get ready for their wrath. My parents wouldn’t accept the flaws that I have. We were meant to be perfect diamonds, but they would soon realize I was a cheap knockoff that was meant to be tossed in the trash.

  “Zachary, there is so much more to you than your voice. You have so much talent in you that I wish you could see.”

  “When you’ve been training your whole life to be someone, you don’t accept or see the other talents you have.” I opened the door. “I do hope you have a great musical. I wish nothing more that I could have been a part of it, but maybe a standing ovation was never in the cards for me.” I walked out of the room wanting this nightmare to end. I knew the time was about to be up, and I’d have to tell my parents the truth. I prayed my sister and brother had bigger accomplishments for my parents to focus on. It was what I did best when it came to the success of my siblings. It was the only time I thrived in the shadows, and I wished nothing more than this spotlight never turned to me.

  Chapter Fifty

  Cass

  I heard them screaming once again. I tried to block it out with my pillows. I wanted to escape from this madness. I didn’t know why they decided that this was how they were going to torture me. I didn’t know what I did to receive this kind of pain.

  I turned to look at my phone and there was one person that I wanted to call, but I couldn’t. I had to do what was best for me, and I was terrified that I made the biggest mistake. I wondered if pushing him out of my life would give me some kind of happiness. I was petrified that I would regret losing him.

  I heard my phone go off and it was a text from Edgar. He had sent me a cute selfie of him in bed. I smiled and replied. Maybe h
e could be the one that truly gets me out of this hellhole. Maybe he would be the one that made me feel like I belonged to the world.

  Too bad the bubble of Edgar popped too quickly. I was in my little happy place with him, until my mother threw a bottle against the wall. I closed my eyes, and I didn’t know why I thought of Gabe’s mother, Candice. I thought about how much she had always been like a mother to me. I thought of the times we had together. She deserved better than what she got.

  “Are you doing okay?” Candice asked me last summer. It had been right around the time Jarele and I had become official.

  I looked up at her. People were out in the pool and I was in the kitchen taking a minute to catch myself. My dad called me drunk telling me he was going to leave my mother. He called her a miserable bitch, and that he regretted dating her.

  My father started drinking because his mother had died. He watched her take her last breaths. He looked at me worried that I’d also die from cancer. He constantly drank because breast cancer was a female curse, and he was surrounded by them. My mother had been sympathetic, but she couldn’t deal with it anymore. She spent more time on the road than being around.

  “Yeah, I just have a lot on my mind,” I said. Jarele had been asking to come to my house, and I didn’t know if I wanted to let him. I was scared he was going to see the ugliness that is my life, and I was enjoying being in the spotlight with him.

  She came over and sat down next to me. “It seems that someone isn’t telling the whole truth. Gabe told me that you have a new boyfriend, and it’s going well,” she said.

  I turned to look at her. I smiled just thinking of him. “Yeah, he’s something great. He’s this giant goofball, and he’s always making me laugh,” I said. I looked away from her and stared at the cookie in front of me.

  “What seems to be the problem?” she asked.

  I couldn’t look at her. “My dad is turning into a raging alcoholic and my mother is too busy working to be at home.” I wiped a tear. “I don’t want to show him any of this. I want him to still see me as the girl on poms, and the girl that loves to dance.”