by Zachary Ryan
“He just wanted attention, and he took the coward way out. You know this. I’m tired of giving Gabe any more thoughts,” she said.
“I call bullshit. I know you think about him all the time. You look at your final days around him all the time,” she said.
“Why are you so sure?”
“I do it all the time. I try to remember what I did that would cause him to cause such pain to the world. I think every night as I sleep about how I told him no one would love him. I think about my last conversation about Spring Fling.” I shook my head. “He was so right,” I said, thinking about that conversation at Spring Fling.”
“What was he right about?”
I looked at Ben, and if he wanted honesty, then I would give it to him. I was tired of Jarele being looked at like the man that had his heart broken by a crazy girl. I heard the whispers in the school. I saw people giving me strange looks. Maybe Jarele was protecting me from these kids, but I was left on my own now. “He cheated on me,” I said. “He loved her more than me. It kills me to not have him in my life, but it kills me more to be second place to him.”
Ben didn’t say anything at first. He walked over and pulled me into a hug. I just collapsed in his arms as I began to cry. I craved this human interaction with someone. I knew I couldn’t go to Edgar with any of this because he wouldn’t be able to handle it. My parents were too obsessed with each other, and Jarele was the one that broke my heart, he couldn’t fix it, too.
He rubbed my back. “You don’t need to say anything else. Just cry,” he said.
I sobbed into his chest. “But it doesn’t change anything,” I said. “We’re all still so fucked up.”
“I know, but right now, I guess I can let you cry in my arms,” he said.
I never saw this side of Ben, but it makes sense. He was letting me breakdown in private. There was no audience, and it was okay. It wouldn’t ruin his image, and we both could keep this our secret. It was another skeleton we were adding to the already crowded closet. I just let myself focus on this moment that I was in the arms of one of my close friends. I was safe for now, and I could let it all out. It might have been putting band aid on a bullet wound, but it relieved the pain for just a simple moment.
Chapter Fifty-Seven
Cass
I grabbed my gym bag after practice and walked over to Kate. It was Friday night, and I just want to go out with my girls and have a good night. I was still emotionally drained from talking to Ben the night before. I was glad we had that moment together, but it still didn’t change anything. I felt like we were broken people trying to fix a non-fixable piece.
“Kate, what are we doing tonight?” I asked, walking up to her.
She turned to look at me with a sweet smile. The other girls on the squad looked at me before they walked away. They didn’t even give me the time of day, and I thought it was odd. They usually were sweeter to me, and I was curious what I had done for them to give me a frosty shoulder.
“We’re going to a party, but you’re not invited,” she said.
I crossed my arms. “Why not?”
“Jarele’s going to be there, and we don’t need his pathetic ex to be there,” she said while looking me up and down.
I ignored the initial insult that I felt from those comments. “Why all of a sudden am I not allowed to go to these parties. We’ve been friends for two years now,” I said.
“We’ve only been friends because you started dating Jarele two years ago. We told him it wasn’t a good idea because he was going to lose a little bit of social power while dating you. He didn’t care because he was in love with you. He almost lost popularity and respect because he dated you,” Kate said.
“Are you fucking kidding me right now?” I asked. “We’re about to graduate, and we went through a school shooting. Why are we still acting like catty bitches?” I asked.
“It’s called getting back to normal,” she said. She grabbed her bag. “Besides, I don’t need someone that broke my friend’s heart there.”
I nodded. “I’ll ask Ben where it is,” I said. I was close friends with Ben, and he wouldn’t brush me out.
“He’s not even going to the party. He has some other prior arrangement. Ben’s been distancing himself from the group, and I frankly don’t care. It’s annoying how people just worship his feet.”
I laughed. “Don’t you think you’re doing the same thing with Jarele?”
“Doesn’t matter. You were a sweet girl, but frankly, I’m glad we don’t have to be fake to you anymore. We don’t have to sit here and try to get to know you. You’re so damn exhausting. I’ll see you at practice,” she said.
“I’m still on the pom squad?”
“You might not have social standing at this school, but you know how to dance. I’m not getting rid of my best dance right before our final performance.” She smiled and walked away.
I stood there a little stunned that this was happening. I was being shunned because I broke up with a guy because he cheated on me. Had I let him create my whole life, and now he was taking it away from me.
“Doesn’t it suck when I’m right?” Gabe asked.
I turned to him. “I don’t have time for this.”
“I warned you about this during Spring Fling, and you completely rebuffed me,” he said. “Do you remember exactly what you said to me?” he asked. I remembered my last conversation with him.
I was sitting outside getting some air. Jarele and I had danced for a while now. We were being our goofy selves. I didn’t know why I loved when we did the grocery cart, the rolling the dice, or even the robot together. I knew people thought we were so stupid, but we were in our bubble. He made me believe that we could be anything in that bubble.
I heard the door to the gym open. Gabe walked out of it. I could see he was clearly upset. “Gabe?”
He looked at me. “I’ve been looking all over for you,” he said.
“Why’s that?” I asked.
“You know Jarele is getting really close with some girl in there,” he said.
I instantly felt threatened, but this was Jarele. He wouldn’t do that to me. I also had to realize this was Gabe. He had told me over and over again how much he didn’t like Jarele. “You’ve never liked him in the first place. You always thought he was bad news for me.”
He looked at me for a moment. “Yeah, I do because he’s changed you. Cass, before junior year, you were so focused on your dancing. You had all these dancer friends, and you really didn’t give a shit about high school politics. Now all you care about is Jarele and his friends. They’re going to dump you the second they can.”
I felt enraged by his statements. “Gabe, they’re my friends. I’ve gotten to know them the last two years. I stopped with dance because I didn’t care for it anymore. It was all about competition and never fun. I wanted to have a life. You should get one instead of focusing on my life.”
“I’m trying to protect you,” he said.
I got in front of him. “No, you’re trying to get me to be a loser like you. You hate being at the bottom of the barrel, and you want someone else down there with me. You don’t get to attack my boyfriend when he’s been nothing but good. I know you don’t know what it’s like to be in love, but you don’t get to interject your bullshit opinions into my relationship. I have friends that care for me and a good man. Can the same be said about you?” I asked. I knew it was so below the belt, but he was judging me and my life. I wasn’t going to let him do that. He had no right to think there was anything wrong with me, when all he did was judge everyone for their actions instead of looking at their own.
He raised his hands in the air. “I thought we were friends. I was being a protective brother to you. You always told me that’s what you loved about me, but if that’s how you really feel, then I don’t give a shit. You’re going to find out one day that they mean nothing to you and realize the people you think are your loser friends are way more important to you,” he said, before he stormed
off.
“I’m waiting for you to say it,” Gabe said, bringing us back to the present.
I turned to him. “I’ll never say it to you because you don’t deserve it,” I paused for a moment. “But thank you for being a friend to me even when I was shitty to you,” I said. I walked away because I wanted to get home. I hated how much he was right. I did give up so much for popularity, and it was so quickly taken away from me. They didn’t even give me a proper trial before they exiled me, and I wondered if they even liked anything about me. I wondered if anyone in these halls truly loved all parts of me. I got into my car, and I sat there thinking about whether giving up something that truly made me special was worth getting into relationships with people that tossed me the second that something better came around.
Chapter Fifty-Eight
Zachary
I walked into the kitchen to see my mom had all these brochures and information scattered across the kitchen table. “Mom, what are you doing?” I asked.
She looked up at me. “I’m getting a game plan ready for you going to NYU, I did the same thing for Michael when he went to Julliard, and I have a folder started for Valerie when she gets older.”
I walked over and saw the dorms that were the best, classes I needed to take, and extracurriculars that I needed to be in. “Mom, don’t you think this is a bit overboard?” I asked.
She looked at me. “No, we need to have a game plan before you go off to college. You’re too busy right now with the play for you to deal with any of this. I’m trying to make your life easier.”
“Right, the play,” I said. It was still a subject that I continued to avoid having with my mother.
She looked at me. “Is there something you need to tell me?” she asked.
I shook my head. “No, I just want you to know I have a smaller role. It’s a musical after all,” the last sentence left my lips like a whisper.
She walked over and pulled me into a hug. “I know that you hate not having your voice, but you’re still a very talented actress.”
I looked at her. “Mom,” I began to say.
She let go of me. She shook her head. “Remember when Valerie broke her leg. She was devastated, but she got back up from it. She is one of the best runners in the state. Or, even Michael when he choked on an audition, but he still got into Juilliard. This is your bump. You’ll find another way to shine on the stage. You don’t need your voice babe. You’re meant for theatre.”
I stood up and felt angry in that moment. I didn’t know why her last sentence bothered me the most. “Forget it,” I said. I didn’t want to fight with her on this. She didn’t get where I was coming from.
She pulled me into a hug. “You have doubts and that’s fine. You’re my theatre girl. You’re going to shine on that stage. You’ve given your whole life to it.”
“I have.” I looked at her. “Thank you,” I said. I kept my anger to a minimum, as I headed back upstairs. I walked into my room and shut the door.
I took in a deep breath and turned around. I stormed my wall and began tearing down all the theatre posters I had up. I walked over to my desk and began ripping up all of my play booklets I had. I began throwing away all the fucking scripts that I spent months memorizing across the room.
“What are you doing?” Gabe asked.
I turned to him as I was throwing papers in the trash. “I gave my whole damn life to theatre. I worshipped that damn fucking stage.”
“And you’re giving it up.”
I turned to him. “It doesn’t get any more of my time. It doesn’t deserve it after it took away my talent. I’ve always been a theatre girl because I loved it. I wanted nothing more than to be center stage, and I worked for it. I busted my ass for it!” I screamed. “And it gets taken away from me. Why? Because maybe I’m not meant to be up there,” I said.
“That’s not true.”
I turned to Gabe. I saw his sympathetic eyes. “Fuck you, Gabe.”
“I’m just trying to help,” he said. His voice was soft and vulnerable.
I turned and sighed. “Gabe, I hate it so much. It’s constantly mocking me. My mom is down there planning out the next four years. I constantly feel the need to torture myself and go to rehearsals.” I walked over and sat down on the bed. “The guy I’m in love with should have been my costar. My life was all meant to be theatre, and theatre took away my voice.”
“But you can still act.”
I shook my head. “No, I can’t. I’m not a good enough actress, and I don’t want to be.” I felt the tears falling down my face. “It took away my voice and love for that stupid stage. I was supposed to be somebody. I was meant to make everyone proud.”
“You still can,” he said.
“Theatre has shown me over and over again that I’m not welcomed.” I began to let all the tears out. I wished nothing more that I could tell someone these emotions, but I couldn’t. I was Zachary Vincent. I gave it my heart and soul, why couldn’t the stage do the same for me?
Chapter Fifty-Nine
Lane
“Are you going to sit there in silence the whole time, or are you going to actually talk?” Dr. Clarkson asked.
I looked at her. I huffed. I pulled out a couple of poems and handed them to her. “I don’t know how to say things properly. I don’t even know if I’m even able to say it out loud,” I said.
She looked at me with a curious expression, but she looked at the poems. It was quiet for a moment, and I felt like my whole world was crumbling. I knew whatever I said in here would stay between us.
She looked at me then the poems. “So, you’re gay?” she asked.
I just nodded my head. I couldn’t say it out loud. I don’t think there has ever been a moment when I came out. Even with Colby, I never said it. We were working on poems together when he placed his hand on my thigh. My eyes went wide, but I didn’t stop him. He eventually leaned in and kissed me.
“Do your friends know?” she asked.
“No, they don’t. Only my parents, Colby, and Gabe knew.” I pulled on my sleeve.
“Do they even know about your suicide?” she asked.
I looked at her. “How do you know about that?” I asked.
“It’s in your file that was given to me when you became my patient.” She leaned forward. “So, your friends don’t know the two biggest things about you. Why?”
“Because.”
“You’re being very guarded.”
“I watched my friends be judged left and right. Zachary and her theatre, Ben and his perfect image, Cass and her social standing based off of Jarele, and Gabe and him just being a social misfit. I saw the good and bad. I don’t want that for myself. I rather have people forget me than actually have an opinion of me.”
“Why is that?” she asked.
I huffed out a breath. I wanted her to stop prying into my life, but that was the point of therapy. “Because I’m nothing special. I’m not someone to love.”
“Lane....”
“It’s true. I’ve been told over and over again that I’m not lovable. My parents aren’t defending me to their homophobic friends. Then the one person I felt most comfortable with, rejected me and was friends with me because of pity.”
“Was there another reason why you’re like this?” she asked. “It seems that these are more recent traumas. You weren’t an outgoing kid before then, were you?”
“No, I wasn’t.” I smirked. “I was okay being the quiet kid. I just read books or write little stories. It was my happy place.”
“What happened?” she asked.
“We moved a lot growing up. My dad worked for a bank that moved him. It’s why I sat with random strangers on the first day of high school. I was the quiet kid in the corner, and every time, I had the school bully pick on me. I would try to let people get to know me. I’d even show them my writings, but they would make fun of me the entire time.”
“And you wanted a different story in high school.”
“Exactly.
”
“You don’t think you could be open here?” she asked.
I looked at her with a curious and angry look. “Our school was shot up because of bullying. Don’t you remember, I just told you that I threw myself at a friend and got rejected?”
She raised her hands up. “Bullying is a nasty trait in all schools. I hate to be very blunt about it. What happened at your school is tragic, but you need to look at the positive.” She paused “You haven’t mentioned Colby.”
“Because he’s someone close to my heart. He was the man I fell in love with.”
“And you got your different outcome with someone new and exciting.”
“Too bad he was killed in the shooting, and I’m left having no one again.” I didn’t want it to come off too harsh.
“And you feel anger toward him for it.”
I looked away from her. I looked at Gabe standing there. I wanted him to hear this most of all. “He was the one good thing in my life. He made me believe that I was worth something to this world. He saw that scar of mine and loved it. He let me be insecure with him. He let me push him away when I got scared. Yes, he could be oblivious sometimes, but he was a good damn person, and I hate every second that he isn’t here anymore.” I knew I was crying because Gabe had an evil grin on his face.
I felt a hand on my knee. I turned to see Dr. Clarkson in front of me. “You have friends that you can open up to.”
“I’m scared,” I said. I had never said that out loud, but it felt good.
She smiled softly. “It’s okay to be scared, but it’s not okay to let that hold you back. I’m not saying today or tomorrow to tell them everything, but eventually you need to. This world is already a horrible place, but you need friends to make it easier to live and love in. You have those friends. Trust in them and don’t think they’ll be like your past.”
She said just pretty words in a string of sentences to make it sound like solid advice, but it was a load of crap. My friends and I weren’t that close, right? We were just friendly because we sat at the same lunch table. If her theory were true, then Gabe wouldn’t have blackmailed me. He would have let me get him help, but instead, he used me as a pawn.