“Thanks. You’re a doll,” he winked.
She rolled her eyes. “That would have more of an impact if you were straight,” she snickered.
Mark brought Carey his drink, plus a cheese Danish.
“I didn’t order that,” protested Carey.
“I know. It’s on me.”
Shaking his head, Carey started to push the plate towards Mark.
“I insist. I don’t want you to think I’m a jerk all the time. I can be nice.”
“I don’t think you’re a jerk all the time.”
Mark smiled brightly. “Good. I’m off soon. Do you want to go somewhere or something?”
“Where?” Carey frowned.
Shrugging, Mark replied, “I don’t know. Around the mall? We could check out the gaming store.”
Carey glanced around, procrastinating an answer. He felt guilty just talking to Mark, much less planning to hang out with him. But again, his curiosity got the better of him.
“Okay. I guess,” he said, trying to sound nonchalant.
“Great.” Mark looked at the clock. “I’ll be ready in two minutes.” he started to rush away but came back. “Um, do you think afterward I could get a ride home? My brother was supposed to pick me up, but if we’re hanging out . . .”
Carey nodded. “Okay.” Mark lived only five minutes from Carey, by car.
The cheese Danish was delicious, and Carey had to admit that he appreciated the thought.
“Okay. Ready,” Mark said when he returned.
“Wait, you didn’t give me the check,” Carey said.
“I told you, it was on me. Consider it payment for a ride home.”
Noting that there was nothing he could do about it, Carey simply said, “Thanks.”
He picked up his bags and the pair headed out into the mall.
Mark was good at small talk and kept the conversation going most of the time. Like many boys their age, they had much in common regarding hobbies and pastimes. They were both interested in the same game when they got to the gaming store. Carey debated buying it, but it was more expensive than he thought, and he was trying to save some spending money for college.
“Well, I’m buying it,” Mark said. “You can play it with me when you take me home.”
Carey grunted noncommittally. He was dying to play. Though, he’d never been to Mark’s house and the thought made him nervous.
Mark purchased the game after they had looked around the store for a while. It was surprising to Carey how personable Mark was to him, now that he was no longer with Brian. He dared to suppose that it was jealousy that made Mark act so snarky toward him before.
Carey parked the car on the street in front of Mark’s house, but left the engine running.
“Aren’t you going to come in?” He held up his purchase. “It’s more fun when it’s two players.”
Biting his lip, and against his better judgement, Carey nodded. “All right.”
Mark led him upstairs to his bedroom and shut the door behind them.
“Shouldn’t we leave the door open?”
“Why?”
“Your parents don’t care if you have a guy in your room?”
“They’re not home. They’re never home. And my brother doesn’t care. He’s always got his girlfriend in his room.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah,” Mark laughed. “I hear them all the time. She’s a screamer.”
Carey blushed brightly. The last thing he would want, would be to hear his sister— he couldn’t even finish the thought. While he was distracted by that, Mark had put the game in and handed Carey a controller. Carey took it and the game immediately started. He sat down next to Mark.
“So, why aren’t your parents ever home?” he asked.
“Dad’s an ER doctor, Mom’s an ER nurse. They work a lot of hours, mostly second shift. And sometimes they sleep at the hospital instead of coming home if the next shift starts too soon.”
“That stinks. You and your brother have to fend for yourselves a lot? Like for dinner and stuff?”
“I’m not a bad cook. I can’t make anything fancy, but we don’t starve here,” he chuckled. “I can make us something for supper if you want.”
“I’m not really hungry, thanks,” Carey said. The large coffee and Danish from earlier had filled him up.
“Maybe later,” Mark shrugged. “Oh, crap. There are snipers. Look out.”
“I see ‘em.” But Carey didn’t see all of them and his avatar was taken out. Mark’s followed suit soon after.
“I wonder if you can earn a new life in this game,” Mark picked up the cover and looked.
“You could look up cheats,” Carey suggested.
“Yeah. Wanna play again?”
“Um, I don’t know. What time is it?”
Mark laughed. “You have a curfew or something? It’s only five thirty-nine.”
“Oh, right,” Carey said awkwardly. The silence made him feel uncomfortable. Or maybe it was the way Mark was looking at him.
“You know, in case you haven’t figured it out, I’ve been trying to flirt with you,” Mark said boldly.
Carey blushed again.
“You’re really cute when you do that,” Mark said, making Carey blush even brighter.
Mark leaned forward slowly until his shoulder touched Carey’s. Though nervous, Carey didn’t move away.
“Ever since you came out,” Mark said softly. “I’ve been trying to get your attention. Don’t you like me, even a little?”
Carey stared. Mark’s face was close. He noted that Brian was right, Mark’s eyes were the same color as his own. But his gaze more intense.
“I want to kiss you again,” whispered Mark. “Let’s see if we’ve gotten any better since seventh grade.”
Carey’s body betrayed him and leaned into Mark, who took that as permission.
Mark’s lips were so different from Brian’s, yet equally pleasurable to kiss. The kiss quickly progressed to groping on Mark’s part. And before Carey realized it, he was on his back with Mark lying on top of him, pushing his hips into Carey’s.
“Wait,” Carey broke the kissing. Though his body responded positively, his mind was racing.
“Why? You obviously like this.” Mark pushed his hips into him again, to emphasize his point.
“Of course I like it,” Carey said. “But it’s not right.”
“Why isn’t it right? We’re both consenting adults. You broke up with Brian, so this isn’t cheating.” Mark kissed and sucked at Carey’s neck. “Don’t you want to feel good? I can make you feel really good.”
Carey did want to feel good. He hadn’t felt good since he broke Brian’s heart. He didn’t have a counter argument for Mark’s reasoning.
“I’m not asking for a commitment,” Mark said. “Just a chance.”
Reaching up behind Mark’s head, Carey pulled him forward. He let go of his guilt temporarily and kissed Mark. But instead of letting Mark lead, he took control and rolled them over. He pulled his own shirt over his head, barely breaking the kiss and began to unbutton Mark’s pants. The pair gave in completely to lust, despite the doubt gnawing at the back of Carey’s mind.
◆◆◆
Carey lay on Mark’s bed, eyes closed and covered by his forearm. A tear ran down the side of his face into his ear.
Mark was snuggled next to him under the covers. He sighed.
“That was great,” Mark said cheerfully.
Carey felt anything but cheerful. The guilt was back, heavier than ever.
“I should go,” Carey said.
“You don’t have to. My parents don’t get off until ten o’clock tonight. I can make dinner.”
“You don’t have to make me dinner,” Carey said. He could hardly look at Mark’s smiling face. “My parents will be expecting me.”
“Will I see you again?” Mark asked.
Carey sat up and began gathering his clothes. “I don’t know.” Mark sat up, too, but stayed under the sheets. “
You regret it already, don’t you?”
“We shouldn’t have done that. We barely know each other.” Carey pulled up his shorts and walked over to pick up his shirt. “I’m sorry.”
Mark shrugged. “It doesn’t always have to mean something. Sex is fun.” He smirked. “Didn’t you think it was fun?”
Carey looked at him, his face turning pink. For some reason talking about it was more embarrassing than doing it.
“Yes, it was fun,” Carey admitted quietly. “But I don’t . . . I’ve never . . . I’ve only been with Brian, and it was because I love him.”
“I told you I wasn’t looking for a commitment. I like you, a lot. But I know I haven’t given you much reason to like me.”
Carey stood, fully dressed, and faced Mark. “Today was nice. I mean the part before, you know. But we don’t have time to get to know each other better. We’re both going off to school. It was the whole reason I broke up with Brian.”
Mark nodded. “I get it. Look, I’m not going to fall apart because we’re not going to get together. I’m happy with what happened.”
“I think we’re too different. I’m not into casual sex.”
“You seemed pretty into it to me,” Mark smirked.
Carey was ready to make a snappy comeback but couldn’t help smiling a little. For all his protesting, he had done it willingly.
Nodding, Carey said. “Yeah. But I know now that it isn’t for me. I want love.”
“To each, his own,” Mark said. “For the record, I could have given the L word a try if we had time.”
Carey laughed. “You can’t even say it.” He paused. “I really should go now. Thanks for the coffee and pastry. And . . .”
“You can’t even say that,” Mark laughed. “I guess we really are different. I hope when you remember this, I’m a nice memory and not a regret. Because I don’t regret it at all.”
Carey nodded. “See you around.”
“See you.”
Finding his way down the stairs, Carey’s heart pounded. He felt like the last three weeks had been a blur of bad decisions and a roller coaster of emotions. In any event, he could put guilt about Mark’s feelings out of his head. The guilt about his own actions was another story. He wondered what Brian was doing at that moment. He suspected, not having sex with a virtual stranger.
His head ached as he got into the car and drove home. On Saturday, everything would change anyway. He decided to concentrate on his studies and put his love life aside. At least until next summer.
Chapter 24
Carey let the phone ring four times and was about to hang up when Brian finally answered his cell phone.
“Hey, Carey.” His voice sounded bright.
“Hi. How’ve you been? I haven’t heard from you in a while,” Carey said. “I’ve called a few times–”
Suddenly, loud laughing came from Brian’s end of the conversation. Carey heard someone yell for Brian to go.
“Hold on,” Brian said in the phone, then told someone with him that he would be there in a minute.
“Wow, it’s loud there,” Carey said, speaking up.
“Sorry. A bunch of us are going to a karaoke thing tonight.”
“Great. Good,” Carey said. “I’m glad you’re having fun.”
“Yeah, how about you?”
“Oh, um, my roommate and I are just hanging out.”
Carey heard more laughing and shouting from Brian’s end, along with a male voice. “Come on baby, they’re going to leave without us. Unless you wanna stay in.”
“Stop,” Brian said to the other person.
“Who are you talking to?” the mystery person asked.
“Carey.”
“Oh. I’ll wait downstairs.”
The conversation between them wasn’t loud, but Carey heard every word. He bit his lip in an effort to keep his voice steady.
“Wh-who was that?”
“Um, his name is Glenn.” There was a long pause before Brian explained further. “He’s a junior. He’s helped me out a lot.”
“Are you going out?” Carey couldn’t believe he had the nerve to ask the question.
“Carey . . .”
“It’s cool. We’re taking a break, remember. It was my idea,” Carey said. His stupid idea.
“I know, but . . . are you . . ?”
“No. I’m pretty busy. I’ve met some friends, though. That’s about all I can handle right now.”
“Carey, I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything. I wanted you to make the most of college. I’m glad you found someone to help you out.” By then, Carey just wanted to get off the phone. He was trying so hard not to cry. “Does he . . . is he good to you?”
“Yeah,” Brian said. “He’s really good to me.”
“Good.”
“I gotta go. They’re probably waiting on me to get a cab.”
“Right. Have fun. I’ll talk to you soon.” Before Carey hung up, he heard a quiet apology.
He tossed his phone forcefully on his bed as his roommate walked in.
“Change of plans, dude. We’re going to a party.”
His roommate, Parker, smelled his underarms, then took off his shirt. He opened the drawer to get a new one. He glanced over at Carey.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” Carey said through tears.
“Yeah, I always cry about nothing, too.”
“I’m not crying,” Carey wiped at his eyes.
Parker sat on his own bed, across from Carey’s. “We’ve been roommates for over three months, and anytime I ask you anything personal, you say nothing. If you want to switch rooms or something, I wish you’d just say so.”
“I don’t want to change rooms,” Carey said. “You’re a good roommate.”
“Except when I try to get to know you,” Parker shrugged.
Carey sighed. He thought things were going to be so different in college. He thought he would feel more free and have more fun than he was having. Part of it, of course, was because he wasn’t with Brian. The other part was because, rather than being himself, he jumped back into the closet. He’d been walking on eggshells around his very heterosexual roommate.
“I just hung up with my ex,” Carey said. “I’m a little upset, because there’s a new guy.”
“Bummer,” Parker nodded. “When did you break up?”
“August. It was my idea, but now I regret it.”
“Well, you should come to the party then. Mike and Jesse are throwing it in their room. Siena will be there,” Parker said, trying to provide incentive.
Carey smiled a little. Siena had been flirting with him since the second week of school. Truthfully, he did like her. But after his brief dalliance with Mark Reynolds, he was more cautious.
“You like her, don’t you?” Parker asked. “She’s cute.”
Nodding, Carey agreed. “Yeah, she’s cute. But I don’t know if I’m really ready to move on yet.”
“She must have been special, your ex-girlfriend.”
Carey’s heart began to pound as he prepared for full disclosure. He swallowed.
“Yeah . . . he is.”
Parker sat up straighter. “Oh.” He glanced down at his bare chest.
“Don’t worry, I haven’t been ogling you or anything,” Carey laughed. “I’m still pretty much preoccupied with Brian.”
“Is he the one in the picture with you?”
Carey nodded.
“Uh, how come you never said anything before? You know, Siena thinks you like her.” Parker self-consciously crossed his arms over his chest.
“I do. I’m . . .” Carey chuckled. “My mom likes to say I have an open heart. I just have more options than most people.”
Carey hadn’t been able to look Parker fully in the eye during the conversation. He didn’t want to switch roommates, but now he wondered if Parker did.
Parker nodded. “Okay.”
“I promise, I’m not going to try anythin
g. But I understand if you’re not comfortable with me as your roommate.”
“No, it’s fine. Are you going to tell anyone else?”
“I’m not sure how. In high school, it was different. Brian and I started going out and somebody put it on Facebook. But people called me fag way before that, because Brian and I have been friends our whole lives.”
“You don’t seem it,” Parker commented. “No offense.”
Carey knew what he meant and tried not to be offended. He shrugged.
After an awkward silence, Parker said, “Well, I’m going to the party. Are you coming?”
“Maybe.” If Brian was going out, there was no reason for Carey to sit around moping in his room.
Parker got up and put on his shirt. “Hey, I, uh, think Mason is going to be there too.”
Carey laughed out loud. Mason was another Music Ed major, who was nearly as obvious as Brian, but didn’t wear make-up.
“Are you trying to be my personal matchmaker?”
“Just giving you options.” Parker smiled.
As they left for Mike and Jesse’s room, Carey felt more relaxed than he had in a long time. Parker mostly took it in stride that he’d been living with a gay man for the past three months. And Carey thought, maybe there was a chance he could relieve his loneliness without guilt. But nothing could be done about his jealousy.
◆◆◆
The summer after Freshman year, Brian and Carey hung out like they always had, though not as often. Both got their old jobs back for the summer and spent a lot of time working. For a week in July, they didn’t even call each other. A friend from school visited Brian. He didn’t call him a boyfriend, but Carey knew. Frankly, Carey didn’t want to put a face to the names of any of the boys Brian dated.
Brian had seemingly forgotten about the agreement they made before leaving for college the summer before. He never brought up getting back together with Carey.
By the time Sophomore year began, Carey had accepted the fact that Brian had moved on. Even though Carey and Siena spent time together, their relationship never got more serious than a make out session or two. He threw himself into his schoolwork, keeping his social life to a minimum, though he and Mason occasionally kept private company.
Once Carey opened up, his relationship with Parker became less strained. They ended up staying roommates until senior year, when Carey decided to move into a single in Quiet Study housing. As a student teacher, he wanted the extra quiet hours.
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