Tales From the Hood

by Michael Buckley

  Sabrina quickly wiped her mouth on her sleeve, leaving a lipstick stain on her shirt. She quietly cursed herself for not washing well. “Nothing,” she said sheepishly.

  “Puck, we appreciate you looking after us,” Granny said, stepping between Sabrina and Puck. “I know Mr. Canis would feel better knowing you are taking over his duties. I guess it can’t hurt to have a ‘security detail’ around the house, but perhaps the bathroom might be the one place we don’t need an extra set of eyes.”

  “Suit yourself, but if a dragon crawls up the pipes and toasts your rear ends, don’t come crying to me,” Puck said with a snort and headed back to his room.

  Daphne peered into the toilet. “Could a dragon really fit in here?”

  Granny Relda assured the little girl that her rear end was safe from dragon attacks. She praised Elvis for his bravery and scratched him behind his big ears, then encouraged everyone to go back to bed. “We’re going to visit Mr. Canis bright and early tomorrow,” she reminded them.

  Another wasted trip, Sabrina thought to herself.

  Granny, with Elvis trotting behind her, returned to her room, leaving Sabrina and Daphne alone with their uncle.

  “Have you been up all night?” Daphne asked him.

  Uncle Jake rubbed his bloodshot eyes. “Want to see where she is?”

  “Absolutely,” Sabrina replied.

  The girls followed him back down the hall to the door to the spare bedroom. The room was sparsely furnished, with only a full-length mirror against the far wall and a queen-size bed in the middle. Lying on the bed were Henry and Veronica Grimm, Sabrina and Daphne’s parents, who were currently the victims of a spell that kept them sound asleep. Nothing Sabrina and her family had tried could wake them up. They were like two Sleeping Beauties, only one of them needed a shave. Recently, there had been a glimmer of hope for the sleeping Grimms—a woman from Henry’s past who might be able to right the family’s tragedy. Uncle Jake had been keeping a close watch on her via one of the Grimms’ most valuable magical possessions—a magic mirror.

  Mirror wasn’t exactly the best word to describe what it was. Mirrors reflect back what is in front of them, but this mirror was reflecting something else—or rather, somewhere else. Gazing into the silvery surface, Sabrina saw a beautiful curly-haired woman with a round face and green eyes. She had a splash of freckles on her button nose and her blond hair looked like precious gold against the bright blue sky. She was wearing a billowy white dress and sitting atop a camel. There were other people with her, each also on a camel, and they were snapping pictures of an ancient pyramid standing in a rocky desert.

  “Goldilocks,” Sabrina whispered to herself.

  “It looks hot,” Daphne said as she peered into the mirror.

  “I think she’s somewhere in Egypt. It’s hard to tell exactly where, though. The place is overrun with pyramids,” Uncle Jake said as he knocked on the edge of the mirror. “If this thing had sound I might be able to make out her tour guide’s dialect.”

  “Last week she was in the Serengeti, the week before—South Africa. Why does she keep moving around so much?” Daphne said.

  “Who knows?” Sabrina complained. “She’s never in one place more than a few days and then she’s jetting off somewhere completely different! How are we going to get a message to her? She’s got to come back here. She’s got to help us wake up Mom and Dad!”

  Daphne and Uncle Jake seemed taken aback by Sabrina’s sudden temper, but she felt she had a right to be angry. At one time their search to find a way to break the spell on her parents had seemed hopeless. Now that they knew this woman had the solution it was almost harder than before, as they had to watch her dart around the world on a silly vacation.

  “Be patient, ’Brina,” Uncle Jake said to calm her. “We’ll track her down.”

  As if on cue, the image faded in the mirror, and in its place, a fierce, bulbous head appeared floating in the silver surface. He had strong features and thick lips and his eyes were as black as midnight.

  “Hello, Mirror,” Sabrina said.

  “Hello, girls,” Mirror said. “Could the two of you drag your uncle out of here? He’s been lurking around this room for two weeks. He needs something to eat, and if you ask me he’s long overdue for a bath.”

  “He’s right,” Daphne said to her uncle. “No offense, but you are getting a little rank.”

  Uncle Jake shrugged and threw up his hands in surrender. “Fine, I can start up again in the morning.”

  “After a bath,” Mirror repeated.

  Uncle Jake turned to the girls. “You two should run off to bed as well. You’ve got a big day tomorrow.”

  “More sitting outside the jail, hoping they will let us in to see Mr. Canis,” Sabrina muttered. “It’s a waste of time. Sheriff Nottingham won’t let us in. We could be using the time to find Goldilocks.”

  “You may not see Canis, but I’m sure he appreciates the effort, Sabrina. What if you gave up on the day Nottingham had a change of heart?”

  “You have to have a heart to change it,” Sabrina grumbled.

  “Are you coming with us?” Daphne asked her uncle.

  “Not this time, peanut. I’ve got plans with Briar Rose.”

  “Another day of holding hands and smooching?” Daphne asked.

  Uncle Jake smiled. “If I play my cards right.”

  Breakfast was never a pleasant experience for Sabrina. Granny Relda’s cooking left a lot to be desired. Many of her signature dishes included roots and grubs, flowers and weeds, milk from unusual animals, and tree bark, all in heavy, bubbling sauces. But that morning her appetite was ruined not by her grandmother’s culinary disasters but by a pig-snouted creature sitting on the table like an ugly centerpiece. It had beady red eyes, enormous blisters all over its face, and a long, blue forked tail it used to swat the flies that circled its melon-shaped head.

  “I suppose you’re part of the security team,” Sabrina said to the creature.

  It nodded and puffed up its chest proudly. “I’m a poison sniffer, I am. My job is to sniff out anything that might kill ya before you put it in your gob, if it pleases you, miss.”

  “My gob?”

  “Your pie-hole, your chowder box, your mouth,” it said as it wiped its runny nose on its hairy arm. “I’m going to take a snort of every bite. Puck’s orders.”

  “Lovely,” Sabrina said sarcastically.

  Granny rushed into the room carrying a sizzling pan and a spatula. She flipped something that looked like a pink burrito onto Sabrina’s plate.

  “What is this?” Sabrina asked as she poked at her breakfast. She was sure that if she poked hard enough it would squeal.

  “It’s gristle and ham wrapped around heavy whipping cream. People love this in the Czech Republic,” Granny said as she rushed back into the kitchen.

  “People must be very unhappy in the Czech Republic if this is what they love to eat,” Sabrina said. She leaned over to smell her breakfast, then eyed the ugly creature. “I’ll give you five bucks if you tell my grandmother this is poisoned.”

  The creature shook its head. “I cannot be bought.”

  Granny rushed back into the room with a pitcher and poured some glowing red juice into Sabrina’s glass.

  “Your sister has something planned for all of us,” the old woman said, gesturing at Daphne’s empty chair. “She told me that today she is going to be a totally different person.”

  “She’s going to start eating with a fork?” Sabrina asked.

  “Don’t tease her. She’s got it into her head that she needs to grow up. When she comes down, try to treat her like an adult,” the widow said.

  Sabrina cocked an eyebrow. “You’re kidding me, right?”

  Just then, Daphne stepped into the room. Sabrina turned to face her and nearly fell out of her chair. Gone were the goofy T-shirts covered with puppets and cartoons, the blue-jean overalls, the mismatched socks. Daphne was wearing a blue dress Granny had bought Sabrina for special occ
asions. Her hair was combed straight rather than in her usual ratty pigtails, exactly the way Sabrina wore her own hair. Plus, the little girl was wearing lip gloss. She sat at the table, placed her napkin in her lap, and nodded at her sister and grandmother. “I hope everyone slept well.”

  It was several moments before Sabrina realized her jaw was hanging open. “Is this some kind of joke?” she cried.

  Daphne frowned, as did Granny Relda.

  “Does it look like a joke?” Daphne snapped, then did something that made Sabrina’s blood boil. Daphne turned to her grandmother and rolled her eyes impatiently. How dare she?

  “So, I hear we have some appointments this morning, Grandmother,” Daphne said.

  Granny chuckled but managed not to burst into laughter. “Yes, indeed. I need the two of you to hurry with breakfast. We’re going downtown.”

  “How?” Daphne said. “Uncle Jacob is spending the day with Briar.”

  “Good question. We all know it’s a federal offense for you to get behind the wheel of a car,” Sabrina said to her grandmother. “And if you think we’re getting into Rip Van Winkle’s cab again you’ve lost your mind.” She shuddered, recalling the hair-raising ride with the narcoleptic taxi driver.

  “Oh, no. We’re taking the flying carpet,” Granny explained.

  “Sweet! I call shotgun!” Daphne cried, but then quickly controlled herself. “I mean, that will be pleasant.”

  Then it was Sabrina’s turn to roll her eyes.

  After breakfast, Sabrina, Daphne, Granny Relda, and the odd food-tasting creature (who insisted on coming along as protection) sailed over Ferryport Landing aboard Aladdin’s flying carpet. The carpet was just one of a number of magical items the family possessed. Sabrina’s first experience riding the enchanted rug had nearly given her a heart attack, but Granny seemed to have more experience steering it and the trip went without incident.

  Along the way, Sabrina gazed down at the town. Everything was changing. Once-thriving neighborhoods had been abandoned, and many homes were facing the wrecking ball. In their place, odd buildings were erected—castles surrounded by alligator-infested moats, mansions made from gingerbread and candy. Mr. Applebee’s farm, the site of their first detective case, had been bought and converted into a gigantic chessboard reminiscent of Lewis Carroll’s Through the Looking-Glass. The changes made Sabrina uncomfortable. They reminded her that she and her family were the only humans left in town.

  Sabrina’s world hadn’t always been so bizarre. Long before magic mirrors, flying carpet rides, and toilet leprechauns, the Grimm sisters had lived normal, quiet lives in New York City. When their parents disappeared they bounced from one foster family to the next, eventually landing in the home of their real-life grandmother, who lived in a sleepy river town called Ferryport Landing. Sabrina remembered the day she and Daphne came into town by train. Ferryport Landing seemed like the most boring place in the world. But it had a shocking secret: Ferryport Landing was a settlement for fairy-tale characters, founded by her great-great-great-great-great grandfather, Wilhelm Grimm, one of the world-famous Brothers Grimm.

  Sabrina guessed that most kids would love living among their favorite fairy-tale characters. Knowing Snow White lived down the street or that the Little Mermaid was swimming in the river might be a dream come true for some, but to Sabrina it was more like a nightmare. Most of the fairy-tale folks, who now called themselves Everafters, despised her family. The root of their hatred lay with Wilhelm, who, with the help of a decrepit old witch named Baba Yaga, constructed a magical boundary around the town to prevent a band of rebel Everafters from attacking nearby communities. The end result was “the barrier”—an invisible prison that trapped the bad Everafters, as well as the good, in Ferryport Landing forever. Naturally, the townsfolk were bitter, but they failed to realize that Sabrina and her family were stuck in the town, too. The spell would be broken if the Grimms died or abandoned Ferryport Landing, but with the steady stream of outlandish crimes to solve and the rogues’ gallery of monsters, lunatics, and evil witches to combat, Wilhelm’s descendents weren’t going anywhere.

  Lately, Everafter resentment of the Grimms was at an all-time high. Most of the bad feeling was fueled by the town’s new mayor, the Queen of Hearts. Mayor Heart and her notorious Sheriff Nottingham had made it all too clear that humans, especially the Grimm family, were not welcome in Ferryport Landing. They raised property taxes so high that they were impossible for most people to pay. Humans were forced to abandon their homes and leave town.

  When Granny and the family managed to scrape together the money for the tax bill, Heart and Nottingham tried another approach to rid themselves of the Grimms. They arrested the family’s protector, Mr. Canis. Canis, who happened to be the Big Bad Wolf, was dragged off to jail as the sheriff, mayor, and dozens more Everafters—some the family had considered friends—revealed themselves to be members of a shadowy group known as the Scarlet Hand. The Hand wanted nothing short of world domination, and they were also responsible for much of the family’s grief. Led by the still mysterious “Master,” they committed dozens of bizarre crimes, including the kidnapping and spellbinding of Sabrina and Daphne’s parents. Staying one step ahead of the Hand was a full-time job, one Sabrina’s grandmother had undertaken with the help of Mr. Canis. And now they needed to find a way to get him back.

  “There’s Main Street!” Daphne shouted above the wind.

  Seconds later, the flying carpet gently touched down outside an office building on the edge of town. Once everyone had stepped onto the sidewalk, the rug neatly rolled itself up, and Daphne hoisted it onto her shoulder.

  “Wait here,” the pig-snouted creature said. “I’ll scout the neighborhood. It’s best to stay out of sight. There could be snipers in the trees.”

  “I’m sure there are no snipers—” Granny started, but the little monster raced off before she could finish.

  Sabrina and her sister followed the old woman down Main Street. It was particularly lonely that day. Many of the little shops that lined the street were shuttered and closed. The sidewalks were empty and the roadway clear of cars. The town’s one and only traffic light had burned out. As far as Sabrina knew, Ferryport Landing had never been a bustling center of commerce, but there had been a time not so long ago when its little stores were filled with customers. Now most were abandoned. Signs hung in windows declaring EMERGENCY LIQUIDATIONS and AFTER 150 YEARS IN BUSINESS WE’RE CLOSING OUR DOORS. Those that weren’t shut had a much more ominous sign in their windows: a bloodred handprint, the mark of the Scarlet Hand. One now hung on the door of Old King Cole’s Restaurant.

  “Looks like they got to him, too,” Sabrina said, pointing out the sign.

  “We’re running out of places to eat in this town,” Daphne grumbled. Normally, Daphne’s single-minded obsession with eating would have made Sabrina smile, but the little girl was making a troubling point. The town was closing its doors to humans and any Everafters who didn’t join the Scarlet Hand.

  Eventually the family stopped outside of a small office building with huge picture windows and a manicured lawn.

  “What are we doing here?” Sabrina asked. “I thought we were going to the jail.”

  “I don’t think visiting the jail is a good use of our time,” Granny said. “Nottingham has been most uncooperative. We haven’t seen Mr. Canis in a month, and it doesn’t look like things are going to change. I’ve decided to hire someone who can help us.”

  “We’re going to meet an Everafter, aren’t we?” Sabrina said, looking at her sister. She knew that Daphne usually couldn’t resist meeting fairy-tale characters. She was known to squeal with delight and bite her hand when in the presence of one. “I guess it won’t be such a big deal now that you’re a grown-up.”

  “No big deal at all,” Daphne said, quite seriously.

  When their security guard returned and informed them that they were safe from snipers, the group went inside and climbed the stairs to the third floor of the bu
ilding. There they found a single door with a sign next to it that read THE SHERWOOD GROUP: ATTORNEYS AT LAW. Sabrina scanned her memory for the name Sherwood, but nothing came to mind.

  Granny opened the door to the office and ushered the girls inside. There they found themselves in the middle of a chaotic battle. Sabrina saw a number of men wearing business suits, but they were acting far from professional. They were swordfighting, arm-wrestling, drinking beer from tall ceramic cups, and singing a rambling English tune as loudly as possible. The lyrics seemed to be about fighting or stealing or combinations of both, and once one song was finished the men immediately broke into another.

  “Hello?” Granny Relda called out, but the men didn’t seem to notice her. They kept up with their violent games, laughing at the top of their lungs. They seemed to be having a lot of fun, despite the fact that two of the men were standing on top of a desk, swords in hand, slashing at one another. Each was an expert swordsman, and not a single blow found its mark. What was strangest about the two men was that each was laughing and complimenting the other on their deadly assaults.

  “I should get you out of here,” the family’s bodyguard squeaked. “These men are barbarians.”

  “We’ll be fine,” Granny assured the creature. “I’m told that this is how they behave all the time. We’re perfectly safe.”

  Just then, a potted fern flew past them and smashed against a wall. There was a loud cheer that suddenly died when the men noticed how close they had come to harming the family.

  “Gentlemen! We have clients,” a huge man with a dark, untamed beard shouted. He must have been more than six-anda-half-feet tall with a chest as wide as a car bumper and hands as big as basketballs. His eyes were deep-set and fierce, giving him a wild expression that was offset by his wide, beaming smile. “Welcome to the Sherwood Group!”

  “Welcome!” the men shouted in unison as they held up their pints of beer.

  “I have an appointment with Robin Hood,” Granny said.