Tales From the Hood

by Michael Buckley

  “But your honor—” Robin begged.

  “Why did you invite us down here if you aren’t ready for the trial?” the judge moaned.

  “Sir, we didn’t invite you down here,” Little John protested.

  “Well, that’s terribly rude,” the judge cried. “You put on a trial and you don’t have the common decency to invite me? Counselors, you are not getting off to a good start.”

  “This guy acts like he’s lost his mind,” Sabrina said.

  “He has,” Granny whispered. “He’s the Mad Hatter.”

  Sabrina’s mouth fell open and she gaped at the judge in disbelief. Even she knew the story of the Mad Hatter. Alice met him at a tea party and he nearly drove the poor girl mental. He was the very definition of crazy.

  “How did he get to be a judge?” Uncle Jake asked.

  “I appointed him,” a woman’s voice said from behind them. Sabrina turned and found Mayor Heart sitting directly behind her. Heart’s face was painted in bone-white pancake makeup, dark ruby lipstick, and purple eye shadow that crept up to the edge of her hairline. She looked like a deranged party clown—worse, she looked like Sabrina did when she tried to put on her own makeup.

  “This isn’t fair,” Sabrina seethed. “You can’t have a mental patient running a courtroom.”

  “As a matter of fact, I can. You see, I’m the mayor,” Heart replied, then broke into a laugh. “Still, it doesn’t matter who I appoint to oversee this case, brat. It will end the same way. The Wolf is going to swing from a rope and then there will be no one left to protect you.”

  A commotion at the front of the room turned Sabrina’s attention back to the trial. “Where is the prosecuting attorney?” Judge Hatter asked.

  “I’m right here, your honor,” a man shouted as he barreled through the double doors into the courtroom. Sabrina took one look at him and cringed. She felt her sister’s hand slip into her own. This man’s beard, moustache, and hair were an unnatural shade of blue.

  “Bluebeard.” Uncle Jake gasped, along with most of the others in the courtroom.

  “I’m quite ready to get started if it pleases the court,” Bluebeard said as he stepped over to an empty desk and put down his briefcase. “In fact, I’m ready to call my first witness.”

  Robin Hood glared at Bluebeard. “I haven’t had any time to discuss the case with my client. I haven’t interviewed any of your witnesses.”

  “That’s unfortunate,” Bluebeard said. “But I have no doubt you’ll catch up. As for right now, like I said, I’m ready to call my first witness. Rather, I have three witnesses, and I’d like to call them all to the stand at the same time, if it pleases the court.”

  “It might,” Hatter said, clapping like a happy child. “Call your witnesses.”

  Robin pulled his partner back to the defendant’s table. Once Little John was calm, he and Robin tried to assure Mr. Canis that everything would be fine. The old man acted as if he couldn’t hear them.

  “The prosecution calls the Three Little Pigs to the stand,” Bluebeard said. One of the card soldiers opened the double doors and in walked former deputies Boarman and Swineheart—two of the Three Little Pigs. They were both pear-shaped men, difficult to tell apart from a distance, but up close they had very distinct features. Jed Boarman had curly brown hair and wore glasses. He had a tiny little moustache, and he was prone to sweating profusely. His complexion was pale, even more so when walking into court, as he seemed quite nervous. His friend and business partner Alvin Swinehart had a pompadour haircut that reminded Sabrina of Elvis Presley. His long bushy sideburns and reflective sunglasses added to the resemblance. Both men were in ill-fitting suits and wearing ties. They scanned the courtroom as they entered and spotted Sabrina and her family, flashing them apologetic smiles that made Sabrina nervous. Were they going to say something that would hurt Mr. Canis’s case?

  Their arrival caused a great disturbance in the courtroom, and the gallery began to chatter. The noise made Hatter bang his forehead on his desktop and shout for order. Eventually, he remembered his hammer and slammed the tool down hard on the buckling wood instead. When the room was quiet, Bluebeard approached the men.

  “I was under the impression that there were three of you.”

  Swineheart ran his hands through his slick black hair. “Well, there are, but we’re not attached at the hip, ya know.”

  The crowd laughed until Hatter went to work with his hammer.

  “So, am I to understand that Ernest Hamstead won’t be joining us? Where is your friend?”

  The men suddenly changed into pigs, a metamorphosis that occurred whenever they were nervous or excited. They honked and squealed for a moment but quickly reverted back to their human forms.

  “We don’t exactly know where he is,” Boarman said sheepishly. “He’s missing.”

  “Missing?” Bluebeard said. “How could someone go missing in a town this small?”

  Boarman shrugged.

  “I suppose the two of you will do,” Bluebeard continued. “Gentlemen, will you tell us what you do for a living?”

  “We’re architects,” Boarman said, “though not too long ago we were deputies for the Ferryport Landing Police Department.”

  “Fascinating,” Bluebeard said. “According to the famous story of the three pigs, the three of you had a run in with the Big Bad Wolf. Is that correct?”

  Boarman and Swineheart nodded.

  “And if I’ve heard the story correctly, the three of you each built yourselves a home. One made a house out of straw, the other made a house of twigs, and the last—brick. Which one of you built which house?”

  “I built the twig one,” Swineheart said.

  “And I built the brick,” Boarman replied.

  Bluebeard smiled and turned to the jury. “Now, I’m not a builder, but I know a thing or two about houses. You have to build them out of strong materials. Twigs are not going to pass building codes, but if you bribe the right official you might get away with it.”

  “I never bribed anyone in my life!” Swineheart cried.

  Bluebeard ignored him. “But bricks are a pretty good building material. However, very few people would choose to build a house out of straw, would they?”

  Boarman and Swineheart said nothing.

  “Straw would fall down at the slightest wind. Straw would fall apart at the first rain. I could break into a straw house with a lawn mower!” Bluebeard shouted, causing a large portion of the gallery to chuckle. “But I’m no architect. Perhaps there’s something to this straw house. Tell me what happened to those houses.”

  Swineheart rolled his eyes impatiently. “The Wolf came along and blew two of them down. The brick house survived.”

  “He blew two of these houses down! How frightening! Do you see this wolf in the courtroom today?” Bluebeard asked. He turned to face Mr. Canis and a victorious smile crept across his face.

  “Nope,” said the pigs.

  Bluebeard’s face fell. “I’m sorry, gentlemen,” he said. “Perhaps you didn’t hear me correctly. I asked the two of you if either of you saw the Wolf in the courtroom.”

  “We know,” Boarman said. “The answer was no.”

  Sabrina’s head was swimming with questions. She knew the story of the pigs well. She also knew that Mr. Canis had been the one to destroy their homes. Were the pigs lying for him?

  “You don’t see the Wolf?” Bluebeard asked as he pointed at Mr. Canis.

  Swineheart puffed up his chest and grinned. “That ain’t the Wolf. That’s a fellow we know by the name of Mr. Canis.”

  “Don’t play games with me!” Bluebeard bellowed and slammed his fist down on this table. “The Wolf and Mr. Canis are the same person.”

  “No, you’re wrong,” Boarman added. “They aren’t the same person. Mr. Canis is the man; the Wolf is a monster locked up inside him. If you put Mr. Canis on trial for crimes the Wolf committed, you’re punishing the wrong man.”

  The audience erupted into babble but quick
ly stopped when Judge Hatter tossed his hammer through a window.

  “Fine, let me ask you this,” Bluebeard pressed. “Would the two of you characterize yourselves as friends of the Wolf . . . I mean Mr. Canis?”

  “Well, sure,” Boarman said.

  “We’re not hanging out at the ice-cream parlor together, but I’d say we have a lot of respect for him. We’ve helped one another in the past,” Swineheart explained.

  “Would you say Ernest Hamstead was friends with Mr. Canis?”

  “Ernest was very close with Relda Grimm,” Boarman continued. “He spent a lot more time with Canis. I think he’d come to trust him. I’d say they were good friends.”

  “So your missing friend, Ernest Hamstead, and Mr. Canis were chummy. This Mr. Hamstead is an interesting fellow. He built a house out of straw and was surprised at how easily it was demolished. He also came to befriend the monster that destroyed his property and tried to eat him. He sounds very trusting.” Bluebeard turned to face Mr. Canis. “Maybe a little too trusting. Tell me, monster, were you truly friends with the pigs or have you been biding your time, waiting for the day when you could finish the diabolical work you started with a huff and a puff?”’

  Mr. Canis snarled.

  “Let’s face it. Hamstead doesn’t sound like the sharpest knife in the drawer. Did you finally see the opportunity to kill the dumbest of the bunch and feast on his bones? Did you kill and eat Mr. Hamstead like you did Little Red Riding Hood’s defenseless old grandmother?”

  “Objection!” Robin Hood shouted. “Mr. Canis is not on trial for killing Mr. Hamstead. There is no proof that Hamstead is even dead. Where is the body? Where is the murder weapon?”

  “The murder weapon is the savage teeth on this brute!” Bluebeard shouted. “And the body is probably slowly digesting in his belly!”

  Mr. Canis roared with rage. He swatted at the table in front of him, knocking it against a wall. It crumbled into splinters. A dozen card soldiers appeared and sprang on Canis. They clubbed him with the hilts of their swords, but their blows didn’t seem to faze him. Sabrina watched in horror. She had never seen Mr. Canis lose his temper so quickly. He tore into the guards like they were nothing, bellowing savagely. Eventually, reinforcements arrived, and the soldiers managed to drag Canis from the courtroom.

  Judge Hatter, who had been wildly hammering with his fists, slumped in his chair and wiped his face with his robe. “We’ve heard enough for today. We’ll meet back here Tuesday.”

  “But your honor,” Bluebeard said. “Tuesday was yesterday.”

  “Hmmm . . . you may be right. When would you like to meet, again?”

  “Tomorrow?”

  “My good man, you’re a genius. We can’t exactly begin yesterday can we? No, really, can we?”

  Bluebeard shook his head.

  “Very well, time marches on despite our best efforts. We shall meet tomorrow,” Judge Hatter said.

  “But your honor!” Little John cried. “We haven’t had an opportunity to question the witnesses.”

  Unfortunately, the judge ignored the big man’s protest and darted out of the room. The Five of Diamonds dismissed the crowd and they began to file out through the double doors. As she left, Sabrina caught Mayor Heart squinting at her. The nasty woman was giggling like an idiot and flashing her yellow and crooked teeth. “Better luck tomorrow,” she cackled.

  Sabrina watched Robin Hood deflate. He looked around the court, bewildered and mystified. “What just happened?” he asked.

  “We got steamrolled, that’s what happened,” Little John grumbled.

  The family hadn’t been home ten minutes before there was a knock at the door. When Sabrina answered it, she found Swineheart and Boarman standing on the porch looking embarrassed.

  “We know you didn’t have a choice,” Granny said after Sabrina invited the two men inside.

  “We still feel like we let him down,” Swineheart said.

  “I’m sure Mr. Canis knows you were trying to help,” Granny assured them. She brought them both tall glasses of iced tea and had them sit at the dining room table while she went to prepare snacks.

  “This trial is a travesty,” Boarman complained. “We can’t let them get away with this!”

  “I don’t know how we’re going to stop them,” Sabrina said. “Mayor Heart handpicked the judge, and there are several members of the Scarlet Hand on the jury.”

  “Perhaps the two of you might be interested in helping us,” Granny said as she entered the dining room with a plate full of roast beef sandwiches, along with sauerkraut, pickles, baked beans, and egg salad. Sabrina couldn’t believe how normal the lunch was. She was going to have to invite people in more often.

  “Help?” Swineheart said as he eyed the sandwiches hungrily.

  “With our defense,” Granny said. “Today, they caught us off guard, and we can’t let that happen again. I believe the key to our success is preparation. We need to read everything we can about Red Riding Hood, her grandmother, Mr. Canis, and anything else related to the crime. Unfortunately, there are hundreds of versions of the Red Riding Hood story. You two have known Canis a lot longer than us, and I think you might be good at weeding out the facts from the fiction.”

  Boarman and Swineheart nodded.

  “We’ll do our best,” Boarman said, “right after we have one of those delicious sandwiches.”

  Granny Relda gave the pigs two sandwiches each and let them eat as much as they wanted of the other dishes. Sabrina had never seen anyone eat as much as the two former deputies. They shoveled food into their mouths and were eager for more moments later. While they ate they went to work sifting through the family’s countless books. Sabrina, Daphne, Uncle Jake, and Granny helped search.

  “What should we be looking for?” Daphne said.

  “Any kind of discrepancy,” Granny replied.

  Daphne took out her pocket dictionary. That she didn’t just ask Sabrina was infuriating. It was easy enough to tell her sister that discrepancy was another word for contradiction, but the little girl didn’t seem to want Sabrina’s help anymore. It hurt her to feel that “grown-up” Daphne no longer needed her.

  “I don’t even know what we’re supposed to be looking for,” Sabrina grumbled as she flipped through the books. “It was six hundred years ago.”

  “Well, we should read them all, anyway,” Daphne said. “Maybe we’ll find that there were other eyewitnesses.”

  “I think all the eyewitnesses are in the Wolf’s belly,” Sabrina said.

  Granny flashed her an angry look. The old woman still had not said anything directly to her since their spat the day before.

  The group went through as many books as the afternoon would allow, but Sabrina’s heart was not in the research. The memory of Canis in the courtroom kept popping into her head. His rage-filled eyes and horrible roar made her shudder. Was there anything human left in her grandmother’s friend, and if so, how long could it hold out against the monster? Even more unsettling was her family’s lack of worry. What if the Wolf were to escape his chains in court, or overpower Nottingham and bust out of jail? Would he come back to Granny’s house? What would the Grimms do if he showed up at their front door? What would they do if he lost his temper with them? It seemed as if she was the only one considering the dark possibilities.

  While everyone was searching through the books, she managed to catch Boarman and Swineheart in the kitchen, rummaging in the refrigerator for more sandwiches. She carefully closed the kitchen door behind her, making double sure that no one was listening, and then turned to the men.

  “Mr. Hamstead is alive,” she said.

  “We know,” Swineheart said. “He wrote us a letter. You know the next time you folks leave town and want to bring along an Everafter, don’t hesitate to call.”

  “Sorry,” Sabrina said. “It was a last-minute thing. He also gave us the key.”

  The men shared a nervous look.

  “He didn’t tell us that,” Boarman sa
id. “Has your grandmother retrieved the weapon yet?”

  Sabrina shook her head. “No, he gave the key to Daphne and me. He told us not to go get the weapon until we absolutely have to, but the way Mr. Canis is looking, I’d say it’s high time. Mr. Hamstead said you two could teach us how to use it.”

  “What’s to know?” Boarman said. “It’s pretty self-explanatory. Just don’t point it at anything you don’t mean to destroy.”

  Swineheart chuckled. “You remember when Ernest aimed it at his new car? I heard they found it in the next county.”

  The pigs burst into laughter, both turning bright red before they got themselves under control.

  “We shouldn’t laugh,” Boarman said. “His insurance premiums went through the roof. Still, we had to try it out before we used it on ol’ furball’s behind.”

  “You three were the only ones to beat the Wolf, right? Mr. Hamstead told us a little and I’ve heard others mention it before, but I’ve never heard exactly what happened,” Sabrina asked.

  Swineheart sighed. “Well, back before you were born the Wolf marched through this town terrorizing people, and no one could stop him. Not even your Grandpa Basil could control him, and Basil was one of the smartest and toughest human beings I ever met. Naturally, a furry lunatic running around blowing people’s houses down is the responsibility of the police department, but there was little we could do. We organized a posse from time to time, got people together to search for his den. I even had a witch fly me over the forest, hoping I would spot him from the air. All of it was a major waste of time. He was too smart and fast, and sadly, the savagery continued.”

  “This drove Mayor Charming crazy,” Boarman added. “He said we looked foolish, and worse, we wasted taxpayer money. He always thought he was the answer to everyone’s problems so he went out looking himself. When we found him a week later, he was hanging upside down from a tree. The Wolf had tied him up with his own rope. Charming was humiliated.”

  “That explains why Charming and Canis never liked each other,” Sabrina said.

  Boarman nodded. “When we cut him down, Charming gave us a mandate: Stop the Wolf or stop coming to work. So we put our heads together. We tried to trap him, shoot him with tranquilizer darts, even poison him, but he was always a step ahead of us. Then it dawned on me that the Wolf wasn’t playing fair. Sure, he was a tough hombre on his own but he was using this magic weapon, too. It made him unstoppable. The second you got close to him, he’d turn it on you and bam! Game over! So, it seemed obvious to me that we had to get it away from him first.”