He doesn't last long, and Jake makes quick work of him. Swallowing him down again and again, sucking hard as he pulls up. He pauses long enough to suck on a finger before going back to work, and while he sucks, that finger slides between Kyle's cheeks. He stiffens at first, but Jake doesn't push. He simply rubs his finger around Kyle's entrance. It's strange, but after he gets used to it, it feels wonderful. It adds a new thrill and a new friction to the already overwhelming sensation of Jake's mouth.
His fingers tensing and curling into Jake's shirt are the only warning he gets before Kyle comes, and Jake swallows it down casually, causing Kyle's heart to thump painfully in his chest.
Good god, that is hot.
Jake collapses on top of him, and his arms wrap around his shoulders. Together, they come down from their high, breathes evening out slowly and sweat cooling on their skin. Kyle idly plays with Jake's hair, carding his fingers through it as Jake nuzzles into his chest.
"Maybe... maybe next time we could try— that," Kyle says, hesitantly and haltingly into the silence of the car. "If you go slow."
Jake chuckles, voice rough and ragged as he buries his face in the crook of Kyle's neck, sending shivers dancing across his skin. "I'll never hurt you, Kyle.
It's a sweet sentiment, but one that causes a trickle of doubt and sour reality into his heart, cracking the fragile contentment they have. Surprisingly though, it doesn't hurt as much as Kyle thought it would. He finds he's already braced for it. Walls hidden around his heart and barbs in place to keep Jake's sweet words from reaching his core.
Because as nice as it sounds, Kyle knows that there's no way a guy like Jake would want to be with Kyle for very long.
Chapter Seventeen
As they pull into the parking lot of Kyle's dorm, Jake is stilling running on the high of the night. It was a successful date in far more ways than one. Not only did he get Kyle to open up and diffuse the awkwardness between them, but Kyle had actually been incredibly kind and encouraging. He'd told Jake that he's smart and that he can do the things he puts his mind to, which is far more than anyone else has ever told him.
Then, of course, there was the blowjobs. Not his first one by any stretch of the imagination, but no doubt one of the most memorable ones. The memory of Kyle's lips stretched around him, brows furrowed in concentration, lightly humping the seat while he looks absolutely wrecked is gonna stay with him for a long, long time.
The drive back is quiet, but Jake doesn't mind. He's wrapped up in his own thoughts anyway, the afterglow still a warm buzz in his veins. He's been holding Kyle's hand the entire way back, but he lets go now to put the car in park and turn it off.
He's reaching for the door handle when Kyle's hand grabs his arm, fingers curling rough and insistent. He stops, turning to look at him with an eyebrow raised.
Kyle's eyes are downcast, his bottom lip caught between his teeth. "I, uh... you don't have to walk me up."
Jake's eyes soften, a smile on his lip as he puts a hand over Kyle's. "I know, but I want to."
Kyle glances up at him, lips pursing more before he looks away. "No, I mean... What if... What if I don't want you to?"
Jake feels his heart sink in an instant as his smile fades. "What'd you mean?"
Kyle looks up sharply, hand squeezing Jake's arm. He looks momentarily panicked, words leaving his lips quickly, stumbling over each other. "No! That's not— I didn't mean it like that! It's really sweet that you want to walk me up to my room, really. It's sweet. I appreciate it. I really do. I just... Jasper is probably here right now. He doesn't usually go places on the weekdays. And if you walked me back, he'd probably think something was off or suspicious, and... I'd rather avoid that."
Kyle isn't looking at him, and he looks incredibly nervous. Nervous and vulnerable and small. It makes Jake's chest twist unpleasantly. He hates seeing Kyle like this, doubting himself and them. He hates seeing Kyle worry about what other people think of him when he's so— so— so incredible.
Most of all, he hates that Kyle's fear is getting between them, keeping them from actually being happy. He's keeping himself from being happy.
He peels Kyle's fingers off his arm, sliding them between his own. Squeezing his hand, he brings it to his lips, pressing a soft kiss to the back of Kyle's hand. He stares and waits. Slowly, Kyle's gaze flickers back to him, hesitant and sidelong, but it's good enough.
"Just so you know..." Jake says, voice low and even, making sure Kyle knows exactly how serious he is. "I wouldn't mind being a little more... open about us. What'd you think?"
He doesn't get the smile he was hoping for, nor does he get any sort of fond look. Instead, Kyle looks away, gaze trailing out the windows and into the parking lot. A group of students walk by the sidewalk a good distance away, but close enough to hear their laughter.
Kyle pulls his hand away, and Jake tries to ignore the sting he feels in his chest. "I... Jake, we basically just started seeing each other. If this— if we don't work out—" He cuts himself off with a groan, running his finger through his hair and tugging at the strands. He scowls as he tries to gather his thoughts. Jake's hands curl into fists on his lap, nails biting into his palm as he tries to be patient, but his heart hammers painfully in his chest. "It's just... if I come out, I'm out. Permanently. If I come out of the closet, there's no going back in, and I— I like it here. It's safe in here. I don't have to worry about people judging me or picking on me. I can just continue to go unnoticed and not be bothered."
Jake tries for a smile, hoping the shadows in the car hide how shaky it feels. "We could come out together? It's not like I'm gonna make you do this alone." On some level, the idea terrifies him. He doesn't know how people will react if it becomes public knowledge, but he knows that he likes Kyle. Kyle makes him happy, and he wants to treat Kyle right. Even if that means being public about their relationship and dealing with the consequences.
But Kyle is already shaking his head. "No, you don't get it."
Jake snatches his hand again, weaving their fingers together but holding their hands over the center console, below the view line of anyone outside. This time Kyle doesn't pull away, and he reluctantly meets Jake's gaze. "Then make me understand."
Kyle stares at him for a long moment, face still scrunched into a scowl. Then he sighs, defeat making his expression fall and his shoulders sag. He looks down at their hands, and when he speaks, his voice is quiet. "It's... It's easy for someone like you to come out. You're popular, you're a sports star, and you're hot. If you came out as gay, they'd probably write inspirational articles about you. They'd call you brave and exceptional. They'd make you out to be this amazing gay role model or whatever."
He sighs, leaning back in the passenger seat. His head tilts back, eyes open and gazing out the front windshield, but they're unfocused and distant. Jake wants to reach out to him but holds himself back. Instead, he just squeezes his hand. Surprisingly, Kyle squeezes back, clinging to him like an anchor.
"If— If I came out as gay..." His voice shakes, nearly cracking before he pauses, licking his lips to find his words. "I would be even more of an outcast. I'm already a nerd. A freak. A quiet, ugly wallflower. The only reason people don't pick on me more is because I'm quiet and I keep to myself. If I came out, I'd be even more of a target. I'd be even more of a loser. And once I come out, I can't go back."
Something boils in him, hot and angry. He turns in his seat, dropping Kyle's hand abruptly as he reaches out to cup his face. He tries to keep his grip gentle, but he fears it might be too rough as Kyle makes a squeak of surprise.
"Okay, first of all, listen up." Jake turns Kyle to face him, holding his face firmly so he can't look away. He tugs him forward just a bit, leaning so they're both hovering over the center console, faces a mere six inches apart. He wants to make sure he's all Kyle sees and all he'll focus on. "I want you to listen and listen carefully. You. Are. Hot. As. Fuck."
He says it firmly, pointedly, and leaving no room for argument. He needs Kyle to
realize he's one hundred percent serious. This is not just what he believes, but what he knows to be true.
"You just got me off like, half an hour ago— which, by the way, was one of the hottest blowjobs I've ever received, and the sight of you beneath me is gonna stay with me forever— but point is, we got off like thirty minutes ago, and I already want to tear all your clothes off and do it again because, let’s face it, last time you were wearing too many clothes, and I want to see what you look like naked and squirming and flushed red and moaning my name. That bowtie is adorable, your face is adorable, and I want to do unspeakable things to you. I never want to hear you disparage yourself like that again."
In the yellowed light from the parking lot street lamps, Jake has the immense pleasure of watching Kyle's face slowly redden to a dark and beautiful color. It stretches all the way up his ears and down his neck. His eyes are wide and lips parted as he gapes. He looks startled and embarrassed, but he doesn't look turned off by the confession. Quite the opposite, really.
Jake sighs, closing his eyes briefly as he leans forward, still holding Kyle's face still as he presses their foreheads together. "Second of all... I understand. I... I really do." He leans back, meeting Kyle's gaze with a small, wry smile. "Look, I can't promise we'll be together forever or anything. I can't promise a year or a month. This is new territory for me, too, but I want to be here, and I like being here. With you. We can just... take it one day at a time. But, just so we're clear... I'm not and will never be ashamed to be seen with you."
Kyle's smile is slow to form, but as shaky as it is, it’s real. His hands come up, and he lightly grabs Jake's wrists before pulling his hands away. "Thank you," he whispers, voice rough and eyes suspiciously glassy. "Really, just... thank you. For this. For everything. I'll..." He swallows hard, licking his lips as his eyes flicker away. "I'll think about it..." He releases Jake's hands then, unbuckling his seatbelt and turning away to open the door. He pauses before sliding out, glancing over his shoulder with a shy smile. "Thanks for tonight."
And then he's gone. The car door slams shut, and Jake is left in the shadows and silence as he watches Kyle retreat to his dorm. He walks quickly, shoulders hunched, and hands shoved in his pockets.
Jake's chest feels tight with a deep seeded pulsing ache. Kyle didn't kiss him goodbye, nor did he say they could do it again. He knows that might be rushing it, this could be nothing. Kyle might just need time, but that doesn't stop it from hurting.
He sighs, gripping the steering wheel, but he doesn't go anywhere. Instead he groans, leaning forward until his forehead rests against the wheel, eyes squeezed tightly shut against the burn he feels.
The realization that what he has with Kyle probably won't last feels like a punch to the gut, knocking the wind out of him and leaving his entire body aching. He doesn't know when or how, but Kyle has already weaseled into his heart, giving Jake hope. That hope crumbling to dust feels like a kick to the heart. He could break it off first, but he's enjoying his time with Kyle. He wants to ride this wave for as long as he can.
He just has to steel himself for the inevitable fall.
Chapter Eighteen
The next two weeks feel like a waking dream.
It's the happiest Kyle has ever been, and he feels like he's living in a constant high. Every time his phone buzzes with a text from Jake, his heart leaps into his throat. Every time it rings with a call, he feels a buzz of excitement in his veins. Every time he sees him, his heart flips and there are butterflies in his stomach. He's not sure how long this part of it is supposed to last, but he hopes it never ends.
It feels freeing.
He's never allowed himself to openly admire and like someone like this, and he never thought he'd ever be able to be with and touch and kiss someone like Jake. He's so incredibly out of his league, yet he looks at Kyle like he's the answer to the universe.
It's just as terrifying as it is exhilarating.
It's harder to see each other in the week, but they make it work. Tutoring becomes an excuse to see one another, even when they have no real need to do so that often. Jake is learning quickly and well, and certainly isn't dumb enough to require tutoring every day. But he likes seeing Kyle, and Kyle likes seeing him.
And the rewarding make-out session following each tutoring session is worth it.
They've been going out most weekends, keeping to the outskirts of town and to less crowded areas. Kyle doesn’t care where they go as long as they can be more or less alone.
They've also been experimenting more. Pushing their physical boundaries. Well, Kyle's boundaries anyway. Jake is down for pretty much anything and usually takes the lead to guide Kyle through it. He can't say that he minds. He hasn't been able to work up the courage to, you know, go all the way yet, but he thinks he's getting there. Everything else feels good. More than good. He loses himself in Jake's touch. In a pleasure he's barely dared to dream about. It's easy to let everything slip away when he's in Jake's arms and simply feel.
There's a problem with dreams, though. You always have to wake up from them, and they always come to an end.
Kyle wakes abruptly from his living daydream on a Wednesday.
It's like any other Wednesday. The middle of the week. The weekend in sight to keep him going. His homework is done, like always. He doesn't have a tutoring session with Jake planned, but he fully expects one to come up last minute. His classes for the day are done, his roommate is gone, and he's just relaxing in his room. He has his Cry Thunder files pulled up, but he's not working. He's lost in a memory of two nights ago, when a post tutoring make-out session had turned into Jake slowly fingering him until he was squirming and moaning at the mercy of those fingers.
He checks his phone, eagerly waiting for Jake's inevitable text or call, but while there are no notifications, his eyes settle on the date.
And it's with a jarring start that Kyle realizes that he missed the anniversary of his brother's death.
His chest feels tight, breaths coming shallow and quick. Eyes wide and mouth parted as he tries to breathe, he tries to find his mom's contact, but his fingers are shaking, and it takes a few tries. His entire body feels like it's quivering. His fingertips and toes start to feel numb. His eyes burn and his head spins in a spiral.
Everything is too loud, but his ears are ringing. His skin feels too tight, too hot. He can't breathe— He can't breathe—
"Hello?" His mom's voice is a grounding point, and he clings to it. He latches on, focusing on it to keep him from spiraling out to space.
"Mom?" He can feel how his voice cracks, but he can barely hear it.
"Kyle, honey, what's wrong?" Her voice is instantly concerned, low and hushed and soothing. Just the sound of it starts to ease off his panic attack. Familiar and comforting.
He pulls his feet up onto his chair, an arm wrapping around his knees to keep them close to his chest, and he squeezes his eyes shut. He shuts out everything but the sound of his mom's voice, trying to calm his breathing enough to speak. "I... I forgot to call you yesterday. I'm so sorry, Mom. I'm so sorry. I forgot— I forgot, and—"
"Honey, shhhh, it's okay, breathe, okay? Breathe with me." She breathes loudly and exaggeratedly, slow and steady, and he listens. He matches his breaths to hers, and slowly, so slowly, he starts to calm down. The feeling comes back to his limbs, and his chest feels a little less tight. "That's better. You feel better?"
He makes a sound of confirmation but doesn't quite trust his voice yet.
"To be completely honest, Kyle... We were almost glad we didn't hear from you yesterday."
"What?" Kyle's voice cracks, confusion making his brows furrow.
"It's just... we were hoping it meant you might finally be moving on, you know?"
"Mom, what— No! I'm not moving on! I'm not going to just forget him!"
"You don't need to forget him, Kyle. We'll never forget him." Her voice is calm and soothing, even as her words are a knife in his chest. "But... we can't be held back anymor
e. We need to move forward. All of us. We didn't... We didn't go to his grave this year."
"What?" Kyle breathes, tears burning in his eyes.
"Honey, listen. It's not that we don't care. We do. He was our son. We loved him, we still do, and we'll never forget him. But we can't carry grief around forever. He wouldn't want us to. It's not just you, I... I need to move on, too."
"Mom, I... it's not that easy." His voice is thick, words edged with tears he feels slipping down his cheeks.
"I know, hon. I do. I really do. But... just think about it, okay? Just try. If not for your sake, then for his. He wouldn't want you holding yourself back."
"I'm not!" He says far too quickly and far too defensively. He firmly ignores the nagging voice in the back of his head that agrees with his mom.
"We love you, Kyle. Just... think about it, okay?"
"Okay." He sounds small and defeated. "I gotta go, mom."
"Okay, thanks for calling."
"Yeah. Love you."
"Love you, too."
He hangs up and slams his phone down with far too much force before burying his face in his arms. His chest heaves with shaking breaths, tears burning his eyes and searing down his cheeks. He curls into as tight of a ball as he can, and he feels small.
Guilt claws at his chest, raking across his ribcage and gnawing at his heart.
He can't believe he forgot. He hasn't thought of his brother in... in far too long. He hasn't been working on their game. The game they were creating together before he passed. It’s one of the last connections he has to his brother, and he’s been letting it fall to the wayside. He's been selfishly wrapped up in himself and letting himself drift away from what's actually important.
HIs shoulders shake, breath hitching and heaving. He lets it out because he has no choice, and he's just glad his roommate isn't around. He's glad he's alone. He needs to be alone.
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