Office Wars: Bathroom Politics

by James Patton

  “Fuck you, I will find you and kill you.”

  “Wow, went from your bullshit innuendo right into full out threats. Go fuck yourself Theo, you fucking moron.” I shouted back, but I felt myself smiling. This was my element, I knew how to rile people up, and I could care less how this shit played out. I was fairly positive they could not find me outside of Neuroma.

  “Theo, you say one more word, and you are fired.” The voice called down, and while most people were still muted, I could see them cheering.

  “As for you, we are not accusing you of cheating. While Theo might be out of line, we are investigating the incident you are talking about. So far we have not found any evidence of cheating, and while it does seem suspicious we checked the background of every architect in the game, and there are no connections. We are not rigging the game. In fact, we shuffled different maps around and changed them up to be safe. This does not affect your gameplay, but if by chance someone found a way to cheat the game this will make sure they have no more advantage. Is this acceptable?”

  “Uh sure.” I had to be honest, I did not expect that kind of response. The person sounded sincere and respectful, and I could not recall the last time anyone in charge of anything acted that way. I had a feeling I was talking to someone very high up in Odditek.

  “I have no reason to cheat. However, I do take it personally when I am accused of cheating, not once, but twice in a matter of two days.” I told him.

  “We are aware.” The voice said with a hint of humor. “Theo will be taken out of the cycle and will no longer interact with players. It was an oversight on my part, and I apologize for that. Anyone have any concerns before we send you on your way?”

  I looked around, and no one was saying anything, but there was a tension in the room now.

  “Dude, that was intense.” Fungi whispered to me. “You have a green bounty now by the way.”

  “They have to spot me first,” I said winking at Fungi, and he laughed.

  “Alright. Enjoy your work day.” The voice called out, and the doors around the lounge opened.

  “Do we go now or wait for a few?” I asked.

  “Now,” Bob said. “You are a target, and I would prefer not giving anyone time to ambush us.”

  “What he said.” Nevi said frowning at me.

  “She suffers from BCD.” Fungi said.

  “I get it man, but some of us need this,” Zingo said to me.

  “I am sorry guys, but if you all think about it, you know it had to be done. I do care about helping you and winning the game, but I am more worried about the threat on my life. I will do my part above and beyond even.” I meant it too.

  “I trust you and agree,” Alexa said.

  “It is not about trust,” Zingo said. “It is about being targeted. And now that my ability is in full swing, I understand what you did and why. Just keep a low profile ok?”

  “Sure, that is my forte after all.” I laughed. “But seriously, if the majority think this is an issue I will go solo for the good of the Pact. No hard feelings.”

  “Just forget about it,” Bob said. “You are a solid player, and we work well together. I was reacting more out of shock. The bounty system was bound to be a problem sooner or later, and I am pretty sure we all have a decent one on us for being the first yesterday. So it is kind of a moot point.”

  “I agree.” Fungi said. “Now can we get a move on?”

  “First, what the hell is BCD and why does Nevi have it?” I asked Fungi, and the way he looked at all of us had Zingo and I groaning already.

  “Bob-sessive Compulsive Disorder.” Fungi said with the implication that we were all idiots for not knowing.

  Bob actually laughed, and he gave Navi a look that made me wonder what the hell was going on between the two. They had been together when I started following them yesterday, but I assumed he had been flirting with her.

  The market was still in full swing, a lot of players were holding back now that the Wheel timer gave them a little bit of breathing room. One of the smaller doors in the back of the lounge looked unused for the most part, and Bob aimed right for it.

  Chapter 4

  Risky Business

  Once through the door, I looked around confused. We entered a hall carpeted with a thick shag rug, and walls were white with a yellow, orange, and brown line going across the center. Reminded me of a bad retro design, but the carpet did make moving silently easy.

  Light Step +1. Light Step is now 2.

  Your footfalls make 2% less sound.

  I waved away the skill up.

  There were no doors as far as I could see, and both directions curved out of sight. Looking behind us to see if anyone was following I found the door locked.

  “Why is this locked?”

  Bob came over and tried to open it and could not budge it.

  “This is not good,” Bob said. “How was this door even open?”

  “You know something we don’t?” Fungi asked.

  “No, but when has it ever been a good thing to get locked in?” Bob retorted, but I was positive he knew something.

  Perception +1. Perception is now 28.

  “Now who has the Bob-sessive Compulsive Disorder?” Nevi dropped in, still giggling at the joke.

  “We all do, I love you, Bobby. Give me a hug.” Fungi said putting out his big burly arms to come in for a bear hug, and I could see pit stains in his grease-stained jumpsuit.

  Bob just shook his head at the big guy's gesture and walked away. I watched as Bob’s head swiveled both directions, and then he headed down the left hall. It was the furthest we could get away from all the other players, especially because the door was locked now. In theory, it was sound logic, but I had a feeling the game did not operate like that.

  As we walked, Fungi dropped back with Zingo, and they were in a heated discussion. I ignored them because I had my own shit to deal with at the moment. Vicky was still heavy on my mind, and it was distracting me from playing the game. Ever since she showed up, I felt different, maybe even more human. Such as the incident we just left in the lounge, I liked to mess with people, but rarely did I act like a bully. Part of me felt shame for the way I acted, but it had to be done.

  Kim’s indecent proposal had me even more messed up, but I tried to forget it ever happened.

  Damn them both. I mentally sighed. Finn might be right because I certainly felt like an addict.

  “You ok?” Alexa asked me.

  “Yea, just some real life issue I cannot get out of my head.”

  “I know how that feels.”

  “Sorry,” I told her softly and felt like an ass. “If I had the money, I’d give it up in a heartbeat.”

  “I know.” She said, and others may have found her short way of talking rude, but I enjoyed it. She did not need extra words. She said more with a few simple words than most could in long-winded explanations that usually conveyed nothing.

  I stumbled.

  “Argh, stop,” I growled weakly as nausea started to overwhelm me. Something was wrong, very wrong.

  “I feel it too, are we walking into something dangerous?” Bob said. “Should we turn around and go back the other way?”

  Fungi and Zingo started running towards us.

  “Run fuckers!” Fungi growled fiercely and then started pushing us forward. Over his shoulder, I saw a horde of Office Drones following. This is something I should have caught, the walls were just a distraction, and the carpet helped set the trap.

  “Go!” I told Bob, and we all jogged forward.

  On our right was a glass wall which exposed a large conference table with chairs for about thirty people. That is not what caught my attention, it was all the chairs with Drones sitting in them. As we came into view, they all turned to look at us.

  “Oh hell,” Zingo said.

  “Do not stop.” Fungi said. “They are going to trap us.”

  At this point the others were full out sprinting around the curve, trying to get past the door t
o the conference room before the drones reached it. I put on my speed and made it to the door and held it closed. It was a futile gesture, but if they could get far enough past me, I could catch up. We just need to stay ahead of them, however, if there were more drones in front of us, we were dead.

  As they approached, Bob pushed against the door with me.

  “Just go. I will catch up, just wait for me if you take any turns.” I told Bob.

  You received Saint points.

  “Got it,” Bob said and led the rest of them around the bend.

  I reached into my bag and grabbed one of the smoke bombs and flicked it dropping it on the floor and took off running. I caught up with my Pact in a matter of seconds.

  Speed +1. Speed is now 18.

  Cognitive +1. Cognitive is now 10. Guess you do have a brain!

  “Do not stop!” I shouted. “I dropped a smoke bomb, if we get far enough ahead, we should be good for a bit.”

  “How many of those things do you have?” Zingo asked. “And I do not think your invisibility is working anymore.”

  “Tsk tsk,” I said smiling at him as the smoke came flooding from around the bend. “My class upgrade, it has a configuration menu now. I changed the skill to allow my Pact to see me.”

  “Oh, that is a nice upgrade,” Zingo said. He and I were the only ones with plenty of stamina still since we had Speed, but the others were starting to fight with low energy.

  We managed to avoid most of the smoke, and we stopped for a second to let everyone catch their breath. I had the thermos if things were looking dire, but I was holding onto it for now.

  “Ok we need to move, I have a feeling after the smoke clears the Office Drones are still coming this way,” I told them.

  “Agreed,” Bob said. “What do you think triggered that?”

  “Not sure anything did. Was probably a patrol.” Zingo said. “Just glad we did not go right, or we might have walked right into them.”

  “Those things give me the creeps. I think I’d rather have an actual zombie.” Nevi said.

  “I actually agree with that myself.” Fungi said. “Those gray dead eyes are eerie.”

  “Why would you say that? Everyone knows you do not go wishing things on us,” I said smiling. “That is how the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man became a demon!”

  “Ghostbusters! That is where you went with that?” Nevi said, but Fungi’s laughter slowed at her comment.

  “You know what he quoted?” Fungi asked.

  “What are you guys doing, we need to move,” Bob asked walking over to us.

  “Funyun is trying to jinx us.” Nevi said.

  “Hold up, did you just call us Funyun?” I asked, and Bob started laughing.

  Fungi looked at me and smiled and then shrugged. “Guess she is not such a stick in the mud after all.”

  “I admit, it was pretty good. I used to love Funyuns.” I told him.

  “You might want to be careful saying that in a Corporation War,” Bob said. “Frito-Lay lost a war several years back, and their company split up. Anyway, Funyun is its own corporation now.”

  Fungi yawned, “Let me know when the history lesson is over.”

  “Do not be an ass. Bob is trying to help you.” Nevi said.

  “BCD much?” Fungi fired back.

  “Enough. Let’s move.” Bob said.

  After maybe a half mile, I began to wonder if the hall was ever going to have something different. At some point, Nevi scooted up to Fungi, and I overheard her.

  “I am not obsessed with Bob, or any one named Bob. That sounds like a horrible affliction.” Nevi said.

  “There is a guy I know that can help with your BCD. His name is Rob, and he does great hypnotherapy.” Fungi said causing Nevi to laugh again. I snorted at the idea of going to Rob to fix a disease about Bobs, but while Nevi acted like a spoiled brat, she was growing on me.

  “Psst.”

  I slowed my pace and looked around, pretty sure someone just tried to get my attention.

  “You hear that?” Alexa asked.

  “I did, but where did it come from?” I asked.

  “Up here.” The voice said, and I looked up seeing a large square vent.

  “Who are you?” Bob asked.

  “Not important. How did you get stuck in the outer loop?” Vent-Guy asked.

  “We have no idea what that means,” Bob said.

  “You are on the outer loop, which circles the entire floor endlessly. I presume the way you entered is already sealed.”

  “Who says presume?” Fungi asked at the same time I asked, “Does that mean we are safe from the Office Drones?”

  “Shut it tubs, and at the moment you are safe,” Vent-Guy said. Fungi opened his mouth to snap back but Bob shook his head at him, and he held off.

  “How the heck do we get out of here?” Nevi asked.

  “That is the pickle isn’t it?” The guy in the vent shaft said. “I can help you, but I need you to do something for me.”

  “Is that a contender?” I whispered to Zingo.

  “No,” Zingo said pointing at the man’s shirt. “No name tag and they cannot be removed, I tried.”

  “Do we help him?” Bob asked.

  “I am not sure we have much choice,” I replied.

  “Agreed,” Zingo said. “This is all you Bob, sell the shit out of it.”

  We all nodded in agreement.

  “How can we help you?” Bob asked.

  “Before the worms infected the people in this building, I had a laptop in the conference room. I just need you to retrieve it for me, and I can open a door for you. You do me a favor, and I do one for you.”

  “You realize that room is full of those Drones right?” I asked.

  “Oh really? Thanks for that bit of wisdom you fucking moron.” Vent-Guy said and then started muttering. “If I the laptop was easy to get I would not need you, now would I? They get stupider every year. I agree this is a dumb idea, they will probably fuck it up. Yes, but there has not been anyone through here in a long time, we need them. Fine, but I did warn you.”

  “Is he talking to himself?” Fungi whispered. “Do we have to help him, that guy is missing a few marbles.”

  I had a feeling this quest was going to fall on me. No way we could fight that mob, and I was the only one with any kind of sneaking ability.

  “If we help you, then I need you to create a distraction. You have to draw them out of that room or no deal.” Bob told Vent-Guy, and I felt the nausea of his ability.

  Strange. I thought. I had not felt Bob’s ability all morning, and I wondered if he too could turn it off for our group. Either way, when Bob started smiling, I knew he succeeded in persuading the Vent-Guy to help.

  “I can do this, but you will have to be quick. Drones lose attention fast.” Vent-Guy said.

  “How are we going to get in?” Zingo asked.

  “You are going to pry that panel off right there.” A finger slid through the vent holes and pointed at a particular section of wall. “It will lead you into a file storage room. At the far end, you will find a door that leads to the conference room. You can remove the projector and peek through to get the lay of the land.”

  Quest Offered: Raiders of the Lost Laptop

  Description: A man in a vent has asked you to raid a conference room and get his laptop back. He seems squirrelly, and might not have all of his faculties. Use caution dealing with him.

  Success Conditions: Retrieve the Laptop and either keep it or hand it over.

  Failure: Laptop is destroyed, or you cannot recover it.

  Rewards: Contingent on your actions.

  “Do you guys want to do this or try to find another way?” Bob whispered to us before accepting the quest.

  “Either way has risks. I will go along with whatever.” I whispered back.

  “I might be able to use the laptop,” Alexa whispered.

  “Is that a good idea?” Zingo asked, and his brow turned down as if in deep thought. “We risk pissin
g the Vent-Guy off, and I am not convinced he is harmless.”

  “I say we move on.” Nevi said, and I just rolled my eyes at Fungi, who smiled back.

  “We have a majority then,” Bob said and accepted the quest.

  It took a few minutes of scraping the paint to find the panels. I assumed it was all drywall, but the paint covers thin metal plating that lined the entire hall. Fungi beat on the panels where they met creating a gap that Bob could use to get his crowbar in. In the end, Bob handed it to Fungi so he could use his strength.

  The screeching of the metal could not be avoided, but once we had an opening, we were all nervous about entering the dark room behind it. Fungi used his bare hands to bend the metal even further to create a bigger entry space, but it was not big enough yet to get his bulk through.

  “I guess I am up,” I said.

  “Not alone,” Zingo said. “You need Alexa, and you’ll need me. Everyone else can stay.”

  “The fewer people in there, the better chance we have of pulling this off stealthily,” Bob said. “I am okay with this plan. I will have Fungi work on widening this entry way, just in case.”

  The dark entryway made me nervous, but I went first. The upgrade to my skill will give me the most advantage, and with all those NPC people I was positive nothing could spot me. Once I made it through, I saw that there was emergency lighting on in the room. It was faint, but enough to see rows and rows of shelves with boxes on them.

  I heard the other two joining me, and without saying a word, we all moved forward. I inspected shelves as we moved. Most had boxes of files, and I flipped through one. I brought the file under the safety lighting and found spreadsheets full of numbers that had no context and handed them to Zingo. While he read through it, I spotted a shelf that had office supplies, but I found little of value. There were plenty of notepads which I dumped into my inventory, and then I found a pack of #2 pencils and inspected them.