Office Wars: Bathroom Politics

by James Patton

  How the hell did that lizard get all the way over here?

  I saw no danger and opened the bathroom door.

  “Come on out, it is safe, but watch your step.” They all saw the shredded Drones at this point, so I did not have to tell them what happened. “Do we follow Hannah or head the other direction?”

  “Seriously, you are going call it Hannah?” Fungi asked with a perplexed look on his face.

  “What? It's her name.” I shrugged at him, but he just shook his head.

  “Well, this is going to suck.” Nevi said, and I wholeheartedly agreed with her.

  Bob moved out into the hallway, and the rest followed close behind.

  “Should we go the direction it did or the other way?” Bob asked us with the vote function. Logically both directions had merit, but I wanted to follow Hannah.

  Vote: Bob asked the group whether to follow the tracks or go away from them. What do you choose?

  “Could I say something before we vote?” I asked, and Bob nodded. “I know the reasons for going away from it, but I am going to say follow. Hannah is chasing down someone, and came from the first area. That is just a guess, but that is my opinion on the matter.”

  “I would agree, but it could have been killing off Drones too,” Zingo said pointing at the various corpses scattered all over the hallway.

  “That makes sense, but we know where Hannah came from, the first section. Unless it is circling through this entire area, which I wholeheartedly agree may have happened. However, I see one set of tracks going that way.”

  “Huh, you out logicked me, is that a word? Anyway, you might be right, but you are also pushing us towards the danger.”

  “Do we even need to vote, the two nerds seemed to have come to a decision.” Fungi said.

  “I’ll go along with their decision,” Alexa said.

  “’Following’ it is,” Bob said and headed down the hallway after Hannah.

  There was not much to be heard or seen. This area had a lot of Drones, as in past tense because they were all dead now. There could be a player or two along with them, but it was hard to sort through body parts, and none of us wanted to try. Zingo occasionally looted them as we moved along, but it was only good for a handful of Poker Chips. After while he gave up on it.

  We passed a room that might have been a break room at one point. Hannah had destroyed it so badly it was hard to tell, but I could still make out a snack machine and a fridge at the far end of the room. My perception drew me towards the fridge, and I followed.

  “Onion! What are you doing now?” Bob whispered fiercely.

  “We have to go in there,” I said, not taking my eyes off the room as I walked towards it. Once inside, it was an eerie mess. Over head lights were hanging in disarray, so the lighting was sporadic at best. Some areas the fluorescent lights were flickering causing visibility to drop. It was not like the hallway on the first floor because I could still see most of the room.

  Fungi started to follow me, but Bob stopped him.

  “Fungi, guard the hall, Nevi stay near him. Zingo, stay or follow up to you, same with you Alexa.”

  “I’m coming,” Alexa said.

  I was already halfway through the room and saw the refrigerator more clearly now. From here I could see that the refrigerator door was open, but right above it was one of the flickering lights so it distorted the area. The light from the open fridge canceled some of the strobe effect, but it did not matter. I knew my destination was near it.

  Glass from the lights popped underfoot, and debris was attempting to trip me up at every step. With all the broken glass, this was not a place I wanted to fall. A table blocked my way, but as soon as I pushed it aside, I could see around the fridge and knew what drew me in. It was another skeleton, and the moment it sensed me its head turned towards me.

  “Ok, I why the hell are those things so creepy?” Bob whispered his question. “Whats it doing now?”

  “How should I know?” I responded back just as quietly, but could not take my eyes off its hands. It put both fists up with its knuckles facing out towards us, and then the hand on the left started rotating in circles. The middle finger on the other hand started rising slowly.

  “I fucking hate these guys,” I said, and my irritation overrode my fear, and I walked over and searched the skeleton.

  In the left front pocket, I found the flair and the key card. It mostly ignored me as I searched it, and I found 200 poker chips. The only other thing on it was a snack cake.

  Flipping the flair over I read the meme, or whatever it was called. ‘In the office people started a silly trend. They are naming their food in the fridge. Today, I ate a ham sandwich named Bob.’

  “Explains why they killed you.” I muttered.

  You have acquired a Piece of Flair. 14th of 37.

  You have acquired a Key Card.

  You have acquired a Snack Cake.

  Snack Cake (Food)

  Consuming a snack cake will refill your stamina and raise it 20 points above max. Your stamina will slowly drop back down to your current max, so use it quickly.

  Word of Advice: Sugar comas are real, do not consume too many snack cakes in a short period or your stamina will drop to 30% and stay there until you nap.

  The whole time I searched, it was still making its little childish gestures. Only now it raised its left fist to its mouth and bit on the tip of its thumb bone and blew on it. Pretending to inflate its hand, so the middle finger rose up. However, it put me in a coughing fit as its breath smelled like onions and garlic.

  “Seriously, brush your teeth man. That shit is nasty.”

  Both of its hands went to its mouth, and then surprisingly tears came flooding out of its empty eye sockets. It even managed to sob a few times.

  “Is that thing crying?” Bob asked. “What the hell did you say to it?”

  “Just told it to brush its teeth because it has nasty breath.”

  “That's just rude man. Apologize.” I felt nausea hit me as he tried to coerce me.

  “Are you serious right now?”

  “You should apologize,” Alexa said, but now I did not know if they were fucking with me or being serious.

  “Fine whatever. Look skeleton person; I am sorry about what I said.”

  The skeleton’s tears stopped and then its hands slid down like it was playing peek a boo and looked right into my eyes. Then the fucking thing reached out and caressed my cheek, and I fell backward freaking out.

  “Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with these skeletons.” I looked back at Bob and Alexa, and both of their faces were screwed up in an agonized look that I recognized immediately. They were trying not to laugh. “Ha ha real funny. You can get the loot off the next one.” I told Bob as I stood up and dumped the items into my inventory.

  “What do you mean?”

  “This is the third one, and I seem drawn to them for some reason. I assume we will all need the flair and key cards at some point. It's the only thing of note on most of them.”

  “Interesting. Do not recall anything like this in previous games. Then again, the changes are very drastic this time. We are done here then?”

  “Unless you want to explore, we got what we needed,” I said but saw Bob’s eyes widen. “It is behind me isn’t it?”

  I turned around, and the skeleton was standing right behind me, and I had not realized that the skeleton was wearing a dress. It grabbed my neck and crotch and pulled me in for a kiss before I could even react. I have no idea how that thing even simulated to feeling like a real kiss, but it screwed my head up on so many levels I did not even know where to start.

  After the kiss, it fell to the ground and went inert.

  “That never fucking happened,” I said stumbling away and spitting out the taste of my namesake. I could not shake the feeling of being incredibly violated. Bob’s howling laughter followed after me, and I was starting to think I liked dour Bob better.

  Alexa caught up with me halfway across the roo
m, and to her credit, she tried to comfort me without cracking a smile. “You alright?” She had to breathe deeply and carefully enunciate each word, so she did not giggle, and I could see the struggle.

  “Just get it out of your system. Nothing a bottle or two of whiskey cannot make me forget. Or is tequila my poison?” She gave into the struggle, and it was good to see her relax to the point of being able to let loose.

  As we came to the door Fungi and Zingo immediately noticed my sour expression and the barely contained mirth of the other two. “What happened?” Fungi asked.

  “Nothing. We got what we needed.” I said.

  “Oh.” Fungi said, but then I heard him whisper, “You have to tell me later.”

  “No, they don’t. Ever.”

  “Seriously, what happened? Bob looks unhinged, and his face is flush.” Nevi asked.

  “You all can talk about it later, let's get out of here before Hannah finds us, or any other crazy female NPC for that matter,” I said, and this time Bob could not hold it in, and he had to lean against the wall to catch his breath.

  “Onion finally broke Bob.” Nevi said which did make me smile.

  Eventually, Bob got a move on, and we continued to follow the tracks of the silver-clawed beast. After a few more halls and cubicle farms, we came across an area where Hannah’s tracks overlapped.

  “Go back,” Bob whispered. “We found her hunting grounds which means we are probably close to the exit.”

  We found an office at the end of a row of cubicles and hid out in there while we came up with a plan. One of us was always watching the passageway between the cubicles to see if we could spot the beast. The rest of us debated.

  In the end, we needed reconnaissance, and I was the likely candidate to get it. So we waited for Hannah to circle again and then I moved off through the cubicles looking for the stairs. I will not lie, I was spooked several times and slid into a cubicle and activated my Hide ability. It was not all false alarms, but most were.

  The other issue was that it was hard to move quietly across the broken landscape because Hannah’s claws wreaked havoc on this place. The carpet was torn up, and the boards underneath were splintered, and all of these things either tried to trip me or make noise. Either scenario was not ideal.

  There were not many sounds, not even from other contenders. A few times I heard her sniffing, and I think Hannah suspected I was near, but could not locate me. I never actually saw her, so no fear was triggered, but I remembered from before, and it was enough to cause me to freeze.

  Is the lack of contenders because she killed them all? I wondered because I was not sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. I doubt the majority of people had even made it this far yet, but she had followed some one here.

  I almost missed the exit pondering those thoughts, because I was distractedly looking for stairs. This time it was a ladder that rose almost two stories up to a type of balcony or platform. There were other contenders up there watching those of us below. Hannah’s playground was providing them with a constant source of amusement. I even saw them pointing at other contenders below them, which helped me locate areas to avoid.

  The ladder was like the escape from the elemental room, and along side it I saw many gouges where the beast had tried to get at the climbing contenders. Some claw marks were over ten feet high. The issue was not that it was a ladder, but that Hannah was resting in the open area in front of the ladder. She had cleared out a lot of the cubicles, and there was so much debris that I was not sure we would be able to make a run for it.

  Carefully making my way back to the group I explained the situation.

  “So we need a distraction,” Zingo said.

  “Or we use the Taser,” Alexa said.

  “That might be the safest option,” Zingo said. “Probably why it was in the safe by the terrarium, to begin with.”

  “The Taser will not work, but I have an idea,” I grinned at them pulling out rolls of toilet paper.

  “Oh shit.” Fungi said.

  “You are such a drama queen,”I told Fungi. “Man up dude, we are doing this.”

  “Why do I have to help? I am unclear on that part. I thought Alexa was your partner in crime.”

  “Why would I make her bait? And you volunteered.” Fungi should have gone with the others because with my speed I could do this and escape before anyone knew I was here. The man would not leave my side, and he made a solid argument about being able to throw further than anyone else. I had no illusions about him trying to protect me because the bathroom bonding had changed him.

  “Wait! Who said anything about bait?” Fungi practically shouted.

  “Well, if you do not keep it down we are both bait. If I were a hungry lizard named Hannah, I would go for the fattest cow to slaughter for dinner.”

  “Not cool man. I am big boned.”

  “You are an appetizer to that thing or maybe a salad,” I told him.

  “Then what are you?”

  “Prime Rib? Grade A choice-”

  “Bullshit! I am the Prime Rib bitch.” Fungi said shoving me aside. “Look at these curves.”

  We both turned as something crashed to the floor behind us.

  “Uh yea, look guys I am not looking for trouble, whatever is going on between you two I am not involved.” The kid, and he looked like a kid, backed away from us slowly with fear on his face.

  “Yummy, that kid looks like roasted duck.” Fungi said licking his lips, and the kid’s face went white. I looked at Fungi, and we both started laughing at the same time.

  “Relax, we are not going to hurt you. But you do not want to go this way; there is a huge ass lizard over there waiting for anyone to cross into its territory.” I explained to the kid.

  “O- oh.”

  “Seriously, calm down man. You could help us if you want and we can get you to the exit.” Fungi said.

  “What do I need to do?” He said, with a little more confidence.

  “You look like a speed class; you have speed?” I asked.

  “Y-yea.”

  “Great.” I said, “You need to take this roll of toilet paper, unwrap about ten feet worth. I am going to light it on fire, and then we run down that aisle screaming. When you hear the beast coming, you throw that fucking thing that way as hard as you can.” We pointed him in the direction he needed to throw it.

  “What are you guys going to do?”

  “Watch.” Fungi said, and I laughed.

  “Ignore him. We are going to do the same thing in different directions but all down that way. With any luck, the heat will draw it and keep it busy for a little bit. Then we haul ass that way and try to get up the ladder before it comes back.”

  “You aren’t just saying all that to use me as bait right?”

  “Well, you are bait, just like we are. The rest of our Pact is over that way, and are waiting for our distraction. As soon as the beast starts moving at us, they will escape. If the fire draws it down that way, then we head towards the ladder and escape too. Just let fatty here go first. You and I can run away and attempt it again if shit goes sideways. Deal?”

  “If you are going to help me get off this floor, then it's a deal.”

  “You are an awfully trusting kid.” Fungi said.

  “Not really, but you two have not attacked me, and we struck a deal. The Office War gods will punish any broken deals.” Fungi stared at the kid for several long moments and then looked at me, and I saw the question his face, ‘is this kid for real?’

  “Alright, we all know what we are doing? Oh kid, after you throw that thing you better hide and do not make a sound. The smoke should mess with its smell, but not its ears and it has incredible hearing.” I checked to make sure he understood.

  “Stop calling me kid, gramps, and I got it.”

  Fungi chuckled good-naturedly. “I like you kid.”

  We put the trailing ends of the rolls of toilet paper into a pile. Once the ends of all three toilet paper rolls were lit, we ran off scr
eaming. The kid took the far aisle, I was in the middle and Fungi had the side closest to the safe area.

  Hannah did not hesitate, and I saw her leap over some cubicles and crash into the walls of a few more. I threw my roll of flaming toilet paper as far as I could and saw two others flying in the same direction.

  Fungi’s soared to the end of the open space, and I thought for a few moments it might burn out, but it managed to stay lit as it bounced off the wall and landed behind a cubicle somewhere. Fungi also started lobbing sodas from the break room to create noise after we stopped screaming ducked into our hiding places.

  I realized I was in a bad way shortly after we started because Hannah was supposed to go around, not over. She did not seem to be hindered by the cubicles as she came charging my way. Not wasting any time I ducked under a desk and curled up like I was waiting for a tornado to blow through. It was not far off as the beast’s claws landed on the desk I hid under, the metal tips shredding the cheap particle board desktop. As it leaped again, the cubicle crashed down on me, and I found myself pinned down. Hopefully, everyone was out because I was pretty sure I would have to find another way to escape.

  Cognitive +1. Cognitive is now 15.

  I guess the distraction succeeded.

  Hannah was still moving around, stomping around the cubicles tracking down the fires. I could see her jumping about, and then the foam spray shot out and buried the whole area under the hardening foam crap. It filled up the place and expanded filling in all the gaps and smothering the flames.

  I pushed some of the debris away, trying to crawl out. The metal framing of the cubicles was jagged and sharp, some parts were broken and twisted from Hannah’s rough treatment. I managed to push some debris aside and then squeeze through the rest. I am not sure I would have done it under normal circumstances, but I was not sure how long our trap would hold the beast.

  You lost 8% health. Damage received from the environment.