Office Wars: Bathroom Politics

by James Patton

  I saw the kid nearby.

  “Hey, kid!” I called out to him, and he looked around suspiciously. “Kid, look at the vent on the wall at floor level. Can you get Fungi and have him open this shit up?”

  “Sure Gramps, one sec.” The smart ass kid said, and I saw him run over and grab Fungi and point towards me. They all came over and stared into the vent.

  “What the actual fuck Onion?” Bob said. “How the fuck did you get in there?”

  “Long story, can you open this shit up so I can get out?”

  “First, how do you feel about goats?” Fungi said laughing.

  “Bite me you blood sponge!” I groaned as soon as it came out of my mouth.

  “Sure thing buddy. Sorry about leaving you behind.” Fungi said, and his ability activated. The vent popped free, and I pushed myself upward. They helped pull me out, and I rolled over on my back and just laid there.

  “Damn, I could use a good night’s sleep,” I muttered.

  “What happened back there?” The kid said still nearby.

  “Hannah trapped me in my hiding spot. I did not expect her to go over the cubicles…” I shared the rest of my story. Meanwhile, Nevi bandaged me up. I did not talk about my run-in with Ricky the Vent-Guy, mostly because I had plans to mess with Fungi later. I also left out the part about the creepy little girl.

  “Well, then I guess we should not tell you about the group that killed Hannah shortly after you disappeared,” Bob said.

  “Or about the skeleton that molested you.” Zingo filled in.

  “Oh, you guys suck.”

  “But we- I want to thank you for… everything else,” Nevi said nervously. “Bob told us about your idea for a longer term Pact. Count me in.”

  “Hey, before you guys do grown-up shit, I admit that toilet paper thing was fun.” The kid said. “And thanks for helping me as well, I owe you one, and I repay my debts. See you guys around.” The kid disappeared as he logged out, and I realized I never looked at his name tag.

  Our Pact’s deeper conversation was interrupted when I heard a commotion on the other side of the lounge.

  “Hey, Clifford!” A man snarled, and it had to be a Suit. “How are you doing pal?”

  “Dammit Onion,” Bob said so softly only our group could hear it.

  “Do I know you or should I call you Tammy? Your voice reminds me of a Tammy, you know, a little shrill and feminine.” Clifford said, and I quietly chuckled, and Fungi gave me a fist bump.

  The Suit laughed and stood up in his face. “You can call me the Illuminator.”

  “Like those little guys in Willy Wonka’s Chocolate whatever?”

  “What? No, those are fucking Oompa Loompas.”

  “Oh, the guy that Dorothy visits to go home?” Clifford said, and there was a sly look on his face. Honestly, I was more than a little worried that the man might have a bit more intelligence than I had at first thought.

  “The Wizard of Oz? What is wrong with you? My name is original; yours is a big fucking red dog. Does not matter, tomorrow me and you are going to finish this bitch.”

  “You mean ‘you and I’ right?”

  “Nope, you are always going to come in second.” Illuminator said.

  “Anyone else feels like this whole conversation is just awkward? It's like they are trying to be insulting, but it's just sad.” Bob said.

  “Maybe they fight better than they talk?” I supplied.

  “You guys should have a fucking dance off you pussies!” Someone shouted, and it was not from our group, but the whole room was laughing.

  “On that note, I am out of here,” Bob said. “Best not stick around for the trolls to start firing everyone up. We will talk tomorrow about the Pact.”

  “I agree,” Zingo said and disappeared followed by Alexa, Nevi, and Fungi.

  Alexa said we would talk later about what happened, but it was much too late tonight to have that conversation.

  “You are something else,” Bob said. “Strangest shit happens around you. I had fun today, so thanks for that, and the other thing. See you tomorrow.”

  “You too man.” I did not log out right away and sat on the couch listening to the same old trash talking that always occurred in these highly competitive games. It was getting close to midnight, and I still had to stop by the office and talk to Kim.

  First, what kind of reward did I get?

  Congratulations! You have made it to the next floor!

  Rewards for your game play this session:

  Strength +4. Your Strength is now 14.

  Speed +3. Your Speed is now 24.

  Cognitive +4. Cognitive is now 20.

  Perception +3. Perception is now 36.

  Charisma +3. Charisma is now 18.

  Hide +2. Hide is now 3.

  Light Step +2. Light Step is now 6. Currently, your footfalls are 15% quieter.

  You have 22% more to go before reaching the next level.

  You acquired 17 Poker Chips from looting the office.

  You acquired 167 Poker Chips for your share of the 1,000 PC from the Golden Poker Chip.

  You acquired 33 Poker Chips from looting the skeleton.

  You acquired 43 Poker Chips from looting misc. drones.

  You acquired 100 Poker Chips for completing the floor.

  This floor you acquired 343 chips, and now have 840 PC.

  “Interesting game you played today,” Curtis said sitting across from me, and I lifted my head up and sighed.

  “I wouldn’t know, I just do what I normally do and find a way to win.”

  “There is a school of thought that Neuroma responds better to people with higher IQs like the neural pathways allow the person to affect the virtual worlds more.”

  “Do you believe that?” I asked.

  “Not so much. I think code is code and some people just get lucky.”

  “Yeah, but if the AI is the code and it's responding and adapting to the people playing, would that not mean the higher IQ allows the brain to change faster providing more input and gaining them more favor?”

  “Huh, maybe?” Curtis said. “I will say some people seem to defy statistics, so it's not an entirely implausible theory, but I am a data guy, show me the data and I will believe it.”

  “I get it. In my old life, I was a numbers guy.”

  “Not anymore?”

  “Nope, because no statistic is perfect, and computers using predictive analysis algorithms make my job obsolete. I muck through reports now, not even sure it's a real job or a charity. Is this just a social call, or was there something we needed to discuss?”

  “Just social. I would be lying if I said you did not intrigue me. It is like you go through here and think nothing is impossible and that you can defy everything. Take this platform you are on now, the design was to allow one way up, but the building schematics are usually up to code like the floor was part of a real building. And you come along and decide- ‘You know what? Screw the ladder I’m going to crawl through the ductwork.’ Then you just do it. While we assumed it might be a possibility someone would try it, it had such a low probability that it should never have happened.”

  “Heh, well I did just say no statistic is perfect.” I laughed at him.

  “I mean the list of things you’ve done in a short time defies logic. You know there is a whole series of bets on you? Not officially, but inter office stuff. The designers scour entire floors looking for low probability outcomes and offer long shots on you taking them. While not strictly prohibited by Mark, it has become something of a frenzy. I doubt he will be happy if he finds out about it.”

  The name Mark made my brain skip, and there was a brief moment of recollection that came to me. It was a woman, dark hair and we were in a vehicle. She looked back at me, and I could see the fear in her face.

  “How do I get in on these bets?” I asked, trying to clear the image from my mind. I would have to ask Finn about it later.

  “Hah, do not even think about it. It is dangerous enough
making the bets you already have, but I am not here to judge you. I have my own issues that I could have avoided. See you tomorrow Onion.”

  “Wait, why is there so much secrecy around this game if it is for the greater good? I just want to understand.” I asked him trying to stall.

  Whether he realized it or not, he slipped up. He knew I placed bets which meant he knew who I was outside of here. We were not as anonymous as we were led to believe. Not to mention he brought up the CEO of Odditek by first name, meaning he was not just some lackey here to keep control of the game.

  “You know why if you think about it. If people found out that contenders, or anyone, were hunted down and murdered in the real world, they would freak out. For most, this place is their immortality, and they do not want the reminder that they can still die permanently.” Curtis told me and then paused to let that sink in before continuing.

  “Corporations still want power and are not afraid to use any means necessary. Office Wars is a compromise to prevent fights on the streets of Neuroma and destroying everything and everyone that interferes.” Curtis paused. “You know the rest.”

  “You know that sounds like a mafia right? As long as the family is ok, you can kill the goons anytime you want. There is a famous movie from way back, where this guy Michael and this girl Kay are arguing, and he tells her his father is no different than any other powerful man, like a president or maybe a CEO? She tells him he is naive and that presidents do not have men killed. He replies by asking her who’s being naive.”

  “Did you seriously just quote the Godfather?” Curtis laughed.

  “It fits. You think this is for the greater good, but I believe that this is about power. Do not be naive Curtis.” I told him with a smirk on my face.

  “I do not disagree with your sentiment, but you have to understand we cannot force people to stay logged in, and we are not the government outside of here. We make concessions until a better offer comes along. Money is still the ultimate power. The real reason people stay in this place is that the real world is obsolete. We have cured sickness and as far as we can tell we have cured death. We have fixed aging and aches and pains, we have rectified all the common ailments of man, provided they stay inside their pod.”

  “Their coffins. And if you think you are not forcing people to live inside this game, then you really are being naive. Have you been out there? There are no stores anymore, and food is scarce if you are not aware how to get it. Exile is a death sentence because you take away all the things people need to survive.”

  “I know another person that uses ‘coffin’ to describe the VR pods. Would it surprise you that the CEO of Odditek thinks as you do?” Curtis said smiling but without any guile.

  I sighed.

  “Onion I am on your side, but we are not the bad guys, not really. Questionable at times, but not bad.”

  “Hard to crunch the numbers when I do not have all the facts is what you are telling me yea?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then tell me.”

  “I cannot. Rules. I can pass the request along, but if they agree there will be a catch.”

  “Vicky,” I guessed, knowing already where this was going.

  “Vicky,” Curtis confirmed.

  Chapter 10

  Skin Suits

  Finn was waiting for me as I exited, and I shared with him the details of my day. There was a lot to process, and Finn managed it quickly enough.

  “Popsicles? And you got another Artifact?”

  “You see all that and the first thing you ask about is the Popsicle girl?” I quipped.

  “Really? I mean the Artifact, not the Popsicle.” Marcy asked, and now that I was in my private room my business attire was replaced with casual wear. I lifted my t-shirt up to show them the branding. It looked a bit different out here and had even faded a little.

  “About Jake?” I asked, not sure how to broach the topic without getting worked up.

  “I wish I had an answer for that, but that has to be done physically, as in the real world. I will do what I can, but I do not want you to get your hopes up.”

  “Just find a way. Please.” I asked him.

  “Bran, I will do what I can. Not to sound callous, but AIs die daily. Killed off casually without a second thought in most circumstances. Jake is no different, and he was built for one specific reason, to run Office Wars. It was one of the reasons I told you not to name an AI that does not belong to you. They become aware, and-” Finn stopped talking.

  “They become alive,” Marcy said.

  “It is part of the original coding. Non-Player Characters were mostly brain dead mannequins, until a player names it or asks for its name. This introduces AI coding into the construct, but even that is not enough to make it fully aware.” Finn paused but looked very much like he did not want to continue. “You have to interact with it as if it was human, so showing it manners or being a dick to it. It awakens it. Jake was just a mindless AI programmed to run things, and it would get taken offline afterward. Until you came along and gave him life.”

  I brought him to life and killed him in the same breath. I started hyperventilating and felt Marcy hugging me, but it was not going to help. Every decision I seemed to make brought serious consequences, and now I understood the real reason for Jake’s trial. He was telling me that I made the right decision, despite the consequence.

  Why the fuck couldn’t people let me live in peace? I raged and cried out internally.

  Finn slapped me across the face. “Get your shit together before you get kicked out of the system. Yes, you inadvertently killed Jake, but you are focusing on the wrong thing. You also gave him life, and he has accepted his fate. You bear his trust and faith. A legacy for you to carry forever.”

  I was stunned briefly by the anger in Finn’s voice.

  Marcy slapped Finn and gave him a look.

  “I did not mean to yell at you. You have no idea what a permanent Artifact is, and you are not at fault. Jake honors you, and Marcy and I are humbled and awed by the gift he bestowed on you. An honor we can never explain to you, even if we feel justified in you knowing.”

  Closing my eyes, I just felt the burning sensation in my chest and for a moment felt connected to Jake. I could almost feel him like I did with Finn, but it was gone just as quick as it came.

  “Good. Ready for the boss lady now?” Finn said grinning at me.

  “Dammit,” I said with my nostrils flaring as I tried to breathe deeply. These last two days felt like months, and the stress was getting to me. “Guess I do not have a choice eh?”

  “Afraid not,” Finn said but by his grin I knew what he hoped would happen. Never again, I made no deals with her, and I would not get coerced again.

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  Bran! Welcome back to Varil.

  As I landed on the cement walkway outside Varil MD, I was surprised by how dark it was. Part of me assumed the lighting stayed the same here, but it had a day and night cycle just like any other Nerve. There were even stars in the sky and a huge moon, way too large, but cool nonetheless.

  The building was lit up, but many hallways were too dark to see down. I found myself flinching away from them, and for a split second, I feared that Drones might come creeping out of them until I realized where I was.

  The elevator was open, and I stepped in and went to the appropriate floor, but spent a few minutes orienting myself on the layout to find Kim’s office. In truth, it was easy when I focused since hers was the only room with a light on.

  “Bran, have a seat.” She said as I entered the office. “You have had an interesting day, and your group came out with a lot of good stuff.”

  “That overtime crap was bullshit, but sure. Actually, overtime was all right. Hannah, the freak of nature lizard, was bullshit. How do they even justify that in an office?”

  “Does it matter? After tomorrow you will most likely be at the half way point. You basically won your freedom back.”

  “Wait. What?�
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  “You have not been paying attention as well as you had thought. Hannah did you a favor and destroyed a lot of contenders. She was more troublesome than predicted. I doubt they will use her below the fifth floor ever again.”

  “Huh. So I just have to survive a few more players tomorrow, and Serfdom is off the table? Or do I have to complete the floor?”

  “Progress is based on people surviving. If 5% of the starting total die tomorrow before you, then we are in a push status.” Kim smiled at me. “No salary or serfdom. Make it to the final 25%; then I own you. Serf or Salary you will be mine. You have an exquisite squeal that can drive a girl mad.”

  I shuddered which made her laugh even more.

  “Was that why you picked me for Office Wars?” I asked, but knew I was fishing for a scapegoat. Someone to put my frustrations and anger against, someone to blame.

  “Partly. I pulled employee profiles today, and your file was the smallest of any employee we have. At first, I thought it was empty, but it had a single document in there. Wanna know what it said?”

  “No.” While I was curious, I did not want to know what they kept on file about me. Not that I had much choice because she was about to tell me.

  “Remember what happened last time you told me no…” She said, and I tried to keep the look of fear off my face, but she prodded me. She was trying to manipulate me just like she manipulated Finn. Dammit, we really were too much alike, same weaknesses too.

  “Fine, tell me.”

  “That’s the spirit.” She said, but somehow her whole face was frowning, not just her mouth. I have no idea how to describe it, but it was like she exuded an emotion and the body effectively mimicked it.

  “It said Nunya, that was all. So Bran, is that the name of some shadow operation?”

  Tears were pouring down my face as I tried to get my laughter under control.