Misconception
Page 23
“If you tell me to go, it’s like you trust me. You’re going to have to trust me, Pace, just like I’m going to have to trust you.”
He studied her then, the hollows under her eyes, the way her shoulder blades poked out sharply. Jesus, how did he not notice how worn out she was? “When was the last time you ate a decent meal?”
She seemed surprised at his question. “We just had dinner.”
“No, you didn’t put more than three bites in your mouth.” He grabbed her shoulders and could feel her bones against his palms. “You’re fading away, Pace.”
She closed her eyes slowly. “It certainly feels that way.”
Jason had a million things to do before his trip the following day, but the first thing he did in the morning was phone Dr. Falcon and insist on seeing him. He couldn’t seem to hold his anger at Trey and he’d found a new target.
Falcon squeezed him in at four and as he opened the door, Jason bounded past him before he could say hello.
“Jason,” he said in that damn calm manner of his. “Have a seat, won’t you?”
He whipped around to face their counselor. “I don’t want to sit down. Have you looked at her?” he asked. “Have you seen how depressed she is?”
Dr. Falcon stood by the closed door, slipped his hands into the pockets of his khaki pants. “Have you?”
Jason stepped up to his face and through sheer will power didn’t poke him in the chest.
“Jason,” he said with a warning in his tone. “Sit down and tell me what happened.”
Jason let out a big breath and sat in the chair. Dr. Falcon took the seat across from him and waited with his brows lifted. “She’s…slipping away.”
“How?”
“She’s not eating enough, her clothes are falling off of her, she’s tired, she doesn’t seem to care about anything anymore.”
“Classic signs of depression and not that surprising considering your situation.”
“What do you mean?”
“She’s grieving, Jason. She’s grieving for your marriage as if someone or something has died.” He shifted in his seat and reached for his pad. “What happened?”
“I’m sure she told you I had her followed.” Jason glanced up and felt shameful. He knew Falcon already knew the details, but admitting it was like swallowing a bitter pill. This must have been what it felt like to get in trouble by parents who actually gave a damn. “And about the emails from my client’s receptionist. Plus this stuff with her father. I know that’s enough to put anyone over the edge, but…she’s pale and thinner than I’ve ever seen her.”
“Physical side effects of an internal conflict are normal. If you’re concerned, you should try to get her to see a doctor.”
Jason gripped the arms of the chair. If a genie had popped out of a magic bottle and offered him one wish, he’d ask to start all over again. “That’s what got us into this mess.”
“What do you mean?” Falcon asked.
He thought back to her complaining of her lack of energy, the leg cramps and headaches, tingly hands and feet. He’d insisted she see a doctor.
“She wasn’t feeling normal. She was having headaches and was tired all the time.” He rubbed his eyes. God, that seemed like a lifetime ago. “That’s why she went to the doctor, who ran the blood test, who told her she was pregnant.”
Dr. Falcon stared at him over the top of his glasses before pulling them off. “Jason, if there was an error at the lab as she continues to insist there was, she could be suffering from some undiagnosed condition.” The thought of Pace having an illness had him sitting up in his seat. “Or it could be from the stress of what she’s gone through. Either way, I’d encourage her to get a complete physical.”
“Are you sure there’s nothing you’re not telling me? You’d have to tell me if you thought she was sick, wouldn’t you?”
“I’m not obligated to reveal anything.”
“But you said she’s depressed and grieving.”
“Yes.”
“And I’m to blame.”
Falcon sighed and put his glasses back on. “Casting blame isn’t going to help.”
Jason looked at the doctor they both thought could save them. “I can’t lose her, Dr. Falcon. I won’t.”
* * *
Jason left in the morning wearing his best suit and the tie Pace had given him for Christmas last year. He’d kissed the boys as they ate breakfast and pulled her into the garage for a pep talk of sorts. “I’ll be back as soon as I can. You can trust me, Pace. I love you.” He’d kissed her, long and deep, the kind of kiss that promised to forgive things lost and promised things to come. Pace had had a lump in her throat as his car backed out of their driveway and by the time he’d rounded the corner at the end of the street, she was crying. And the thing of it was, she wasn’t sure why.
She hadn’t cried about him leaving town since his first business trip after Dillon was born. She’d quit her job to stay home with him and her days were spent with the sleep deprived tedium that defined the first few months of a newborn’s life and a new mom’s existence. She’d been at times weepy, at times so tired she didn’t know up from down, and at times so confused about her role in life—in Dillon’s life, in Jason’s, and her own—that she’d wondered if she should have been so hasty in quitting her job and giving up every shred of what had for so long been her identity.
Jason had been nervously excited about the prospect he’d planned to see, a construction company that later became one of the firm’s biggest clients, and Pace had dreaded the three days he planned to be gone as if when he left, her life would cease to exist until he’d returned. And it did, in some ways. Seven o’clock came and went and no one was there to scoop Dillon from her arms and give her a moment’s rest until he woke screaming again three hours later just to nurse and the endless cycle continued. Jason hadn’t been there to put Dillon in the crib after she’d fall asleep in the glider and usher her back to bed for a few minutes sleep before he had to leave for work. She’d simultaneously envied and yearned for him with equal fervor. When Jason did come back, flushed with success and giddy with his burgeoning career, he’d seemed a little frightened at what he’d come back to—Pace’s just shy of losing it behavior and the somewhat alarming appearance of both the house and the woman he’d married. Showers and housekeeping had been very low on her priority list.
There were more trips, of course, and each one filled her with less terror than the last. Each time she’d miss her husband less and less until, at some point, she came to look a little bit forward to the freedom his being gone afforded her and the fact that there was one less person to look after, at least for a few days. By the time Mitchell came along and Jason’s travel picked back up again, Pace found it easier to cope when he was away and harder to remember what had filled her with such anxiety the first time he’d left.
And now she stood crying in her garage as he left them for the millionth time. Was she sad to see him go? Yes, but it wasn’t the same terror that used to fill her. Was she mad at him for leaving so close to Christmas and that he headed back to see the girl who kept emailing him? Yes, but she understood he had to go. He’d always wanted to work for himself and having a client on board could mean the difference between success and failure. Did she trust him to be faithful while he was gone? Yes, Pace knew his guilt and nerves at having to talk to his client would be enough to keep him from doing anything stupid.
He’d said it was flattering—Deborah’s flirting. No matter how subtle it had appeared, she’d flirted with her husband. Was that why Pace had let Trey call her gorgeous and make suggestive comments? Did she crave the kind of flattery she and Jason were too busy to give one another after 12 years of marriage? Was this whole thing more about the two of them, about the way they didn’t really even see each other anymore, than about some silly receptionist and her old boyfriend?
Of course it was.
And of course she realized the truth now that he’d gone and she coul
dn’t talk to him about it.
She took a deep breath, wiped her eyes, and went back in the house to get the boys on the bus for their last day of school before Christmas break. She tried to busy herself with things she couldn’t do easily once they were home. She wrapped the last of their presents, ran to the grocery store, checked her emails. She logged onto the computer and, after deleting most of the spam and responding to what needed addressing, she flipped over to her homepage to scan the news.
It didn’t register at first, what she was seeing; at least Pace didn’t process it as anything other than a tabloid style headline concerning a United States Senator. When she looked at the picture of her father, a head shot where he was smiling like the statesman she’d always known him to be, her head began to spin and there was a ringing in her ears that sounded like an alarm bell. A teaser promised exclusive photos and intimate details of Senator Whitfield’s tryst if she just clicked on the article, but Pace couldn’t seem to make her fingers move to click the picture or the more damaging headline. She swiveled away from the computer and put her head between her knees when it felt like she was going to throw up or lose consciousness.
As she took slow, deep breaths in and out and tried to concentrate on what was real and true—she was in her home, her tennis shoes had white laces and were neatly double knotted, the hardwood floors needed a good scrubbing—Pace realized she’d been fooling herself with some sort of fantasy that Jason hadn’t really seen pictures of her father with another woman, that in his anxiety over being caught having her followed he’d made that little detail up to make his betrayal seem less important. She sat up slowly, inch by inch, and let the blood settle back in her stomach, let the room come back into focus. With a combination of dread and defeat, she turned back to the computer and read the headlines. Two were from local news organizations and one, the big one, was from the Associated Press.
That meant the news had spread.
That meant her mother knew.
Her father was dead man.
Chapter 27
Tori lifted the shutter with shaking hands and watched the scene unfold outside her bedroom window. There were television vans around the block. Reporters milled around the base of the drive, either turned away per her instructions to the staff or showing an unprecedented shred of respect for her and what she was going through.
She was about to avert her gaze when she recognized Pace’s SUV as it eased around the crowd and up the drive. Pace. Not for the first time, she wondered if she’d done the right thing. Moments later she heard her footsteps in the hallway followed by a plea from the maid for Pace not to disturb Mrs. Whitfield. Pace knocked on the closed bedroom door and peeked her head inside.
“Mom?”
She looked scared and a little shocked to see her mother dry-eyed and alert. She probably expected to find her in a puddle of tears on the bed. Tori needed to be strong for both of them now.
“I should have expected you, Pace. I probably should have called.”
“Mom, I’m…” She swallowed and leaned her head against the door. “Can I come in?”
She waved her inside. “I take it you’ve heard.”
Pace entered the darkened room and closed the door behind her. “Mom, are you okay?”
“I’m…” Tori brushed the hair away from her face and tried to compose herself. “I don’t really know how I am, other than mortally embarrassed.” She dropped her arms and frowned. “I should have thought of you, of what this would do to you.”
Muted light speared through the window. The temperature was close to forty degrees outside and the sky appeared ominous with low hanging clouds. She’d purposely left the room dark in keeping with her mood, but now that Pace had arrived, she turned on the light by her bed. When Pace stared at her, her face pinched with worry, Tori knew just how she looked. She’d been staring at herself in the mirror all day, wincing at her shell-shocked expression and the shadows under her eyes.
“This is all my fault.” Pace burst into tears and lunged like a child into Tori’s arms, giant racking sobs escaped that left her breathless and choking. Tori rocked her daughter and ran her hands over her bony back. Her little girl. She shouldn’t have done this to her. How in the world could Pace blame herself? When Pace stopped hiccupping, she pulled back, her face blotchy face framing her eyes swollen.
“What on earth are you talking about?”
“Jason had me followed by a private detective.” Her voice sounded little more than a whisper. “He—the detective—took the pictures of Daddy.” She averted her gaze and her pale face flushed with color. “Jason told me Trey took care of it.”
“Trey.” Tori hadn’t thought of all the people who knew, all the people who’d helped Colin cover his tracks. Of course Trey would know and take care of the little details for Colin. How humiliating. “Yes, he is the loyal one, isn’t he?” So this was why Pace had come to see her the other day, this was why she’d looked at her father so accusingly. She already knew.
She led Pace to the settee and handed her a box of tissues from the nightstand. She waited until she’d composed herself before sitting down beside her. “How long have you known?”
Pace shrugged. “A few days.”
Tori felt ashamed of herself for not doing something sooner. Maybe if she had, Pace would never have found out. “Why on earth did Jason have you followed by a private detective?”
“It’s a long story, but he thought I’d cheated on him. No,” she held up her hand when Tori opened her mouth, “I didn’t, but he had good reason to believe I did. We’ve been through a lot—which sounds ridiculous considering what you’re going through.” She was babbling and looked like she was about to start crying again. She stopped abruptly and grabbed Tori’s hand. “Why aren’t you falling apart? At the very least I thought you’d have him in front of a firing squad or I’d find you waiting for him with a set of brass knuckles.”
“Pace,” Tori laughed. “Jason should be very afraid of you.”
She blushed and waved her comment away. “I’ve been watching a lot of late night TV. I’m serious, Mom, I don’t get your reaction.”
It was time to be honest. “The news is painful, dreadful really, but only a surprise to one of us.”
Pace gripped the cushion of the settee. She stared at Tori intently, waiting for her to explain something she clearly didn’t understand. “What do you mean?”
This was what she’d been dreading. This was why she never made demands on Colin, she now realized, as Pace stared at her with wide-eyed horror. The truth was shattering her daughter; it would have shattered her at any age. “Oh, Pace, you know how charismatic your father is. People get caught up in his whirlwind. I know I did.”
She couldn’t look at Pace while she destroyed her illusions of her father and their marriage. She rose and walked toward the window, lifted the slat of the blind and stared out into the gray day. “I was so young when we got married, so blinded by my faith in your father, in what he wanted to do, how he wanted to change things. Being around him was like being on a carnival ride.” She let go of the blind and it snapped into place. The sound brought Tori back from the past and into the present where her daughter was all that mattered. She turned around to face her. “Real life eventually caught up with us. I guess I got off the roller coaster first and he’s kept on going. I couldn’t keep up, especially after you were born. And now he keeps people around him who provide a certain level of…adulation. Trey, the young zealots, women. He craves what they give him, what I can’t give him anymore.”
Pace’s mouth tried to form the words she couldn’t make her heart believe. “You mean this isn’t the first time? He’s done this before? Since I was born?”
“I shouldn’t have let it go on for so long.”
Tori could see in her expression that she was adjusting her whole perception of her mother and father and their marriage. “You make it sound like he’s blameless, like you’ve let him do this awful thing to you.”
Her despair turned to anger in a flash. “Why do you let him?” she asked. “My God, Mom, you of all people.”
Pace asked the question Tori had been unable to answer for over thirty years. She gave her the truth and the only answer that made any sense. “I love your father.”
“I don’t understand how you can love someone who treats you this way.”
“No, I don’t suppose you would.” Pace was shaking; her knee bouncing up and down. The air around her seemed to snap with an electric charge. Tori reached over and stilled her leg. “You’re such a confident woman. I’ve tried so hard to raise you with a strong sense of self. I know my interference has annoyed you, but I worry.”
“I hate what he’s done to you.” She hopped up and began to pace. “I hate the way I’ve treated you all these years. I thought…all this time, I thought you led him around by the nose. I thought he innocently followed because he didn’t want to be bullied.” To see her skulk around the room like a caged animal, to have the blinders pulled away, was more painful than Tori could ever have imagined. “I wish I’d known.”
Tori let out a mirthless laugh. The sound of it startled them both. “Oh, Pace. What good would that have done?” Her smile drifted away and she sighed. “I’ve known about your father’s affairs for a very long time now. When he first…slipped, I was devastated. When I confronted him, he cried and begged me to forgive him, promised he wouldn’t do it again. Because I loved him and believed his sincerity, I forgave him and we moved on. When it happened again…” She shrugged and leaned back into the settee. She tried not to dwell on those days, when she’d been so young and naïve. When discovering the truth had felt like a knife to her heart. His infidelity had shaped her life in so many ways. “Something inside of me died. I guess it was hope, or faith, but things were different then. We had you and he’d just been elected lieutenant governor. Leaving him had many consequences I wasn’t willing to face. I had nowhere to go, no way to support you and his career would have been ruined. I couldn’t bring myself to kill so many things in order to save face, so I let it go.”