by Mia Fox
I looked down at my phone and saw the three dots that meant Bennett was still awaiting my response.
Me: Can I make a trade?
Bennett: Okay, what is it?
Me: One pic for one truly honest answer to a question.
Bennett: Okay.
With my heart-pounding I sent him a picture that Luci had taken when we were fooling around with a dating site one night. From an artistic standpoint it was beautiful. We went to the beach early one morning. It was empty and the water was at low tide, just an expanse of sand with nobody to add footprints to nature’s beauty. I lay down on the sand, rested my head on my bicep, and turned my face toward the ocean. I was wearing only a white thong bikini bottom.
Whoosh. The image was sent.
Bennett: Wow. I thought you were going to send a picture of brownies or something.
Yipes. I couldn’t tell if he was joking. Since I had told him I liked to bake, I tended to think he wasn’t.
Me: Now I’m embarrassed and I can’t ask my question.
Bennett: Yes you can. You look great.
He added the smiley face with heart kiss emoji. At least I had that affirmation. I took a deep breath. I’d never know if I didn’t ask.
Me: Did you regret that nothing happened between us?
Bennett: Maybe.
My mouth dropped open. Maybe?!
Me: That’s not a yes or no. I kept up my end of the bargain. You have to answer.
Bennett: Obviously, yes. But, I don’t know if it’s okay for me to think that.
Me: Why?
Bennett: Because you’re riding my friend’s horse off property and I know about it. You’re playing with a $50K toy. I don’t want either of us to get in trouble.
Me: I wouldn’t want that either. I just want to enjoy you.
And for the first time in a very long time, I meant what I said. I didn’t want the attachment, the emotion, the commitment. I just wanted to be with another younger man.
Bennett: When can you be here?
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Cole
I hate the traffic in Los Angeles and try to avoid rush hour at all costs. However, two weeks ago I endured the slow moving stampede of the 405 freeway and made a trek down to Torrance to the Toyota Sports Complex, a state-of-the-art stadium known for its year-round soccer, football, lacrosse, and rugby events. I wasn’t there as a spectator. I stood alongside hundreds of other soccer players for a moment to show the L.A. Galaxy what I could do during open tryouts.
The greatest lesson I had learned was one I received from Kat. After I was passed up for the last tour, she told me that how I react to adversity will define me. I wasn’t going to wallow and feel sorry for myself. I kept training and I was going to show them.
There were plenty of guys with fancy footwork, strength, and skill. I didn’t think my chances were particularly high, but my coach had made a good point when he finally convinced me to tryout. What if… He spoke those two words and I understood. What if I had what it takes, but never had the courage to find out? What if I learned who made it and I knew that I could’ve schooled them? What if I got injured next year and couldn’t tryout again? Too many what ifs to not explore the most important one of all. What if I made it?
I was the only one from my local club to tryout. The coach had told me that I was the only one he had encouraged to do so. I didn’t ask if anyone else had wanted to try, nor if he had talked them out of it. He said to only focus on myself for this one moment in time. I was never one to hog the spotlight during a game. I fully believed that it was a team effort. But, in this one instance, I knew he was right. I couldn’t think of whether anyone else should come along with me. I needed to focus and to do my best, I needed to go alone. I think the coach knew that about me. It would have been too easy to get distracted with a teammate. I may have felt the need to shine a little less in order to ensure equality on the field with someone I knew.
So, I prepared for a month by going to bed early every night, eating well, working out, training, and not talking to Kat. It killed me, but I knew I would get distracted. I had told myself she was better off without me. I convinced myself to be happy for her that she had found that guy on the horse. The only thing I couldn’t get off my mind was why she seemed somewhat pleased about that one dalliance in the car on the ride down to the training facility. I don’t know why I did it. Maybe I wanted to test the waters. I wondered if she was totally happy with horse guy. If they were a couple wouldn’t she have told me to knock it off? And yet, she wanted to talk.
It was this back and forth chatter that I created in my own brain that made me lock myself in my house and go to sleep by nine o’clock every night prior to the tryout. I figured that when it was all over, I could reassess what was keeping me from moving on. Not that it was too hard to figure out. I was in love with her. But it would be easier to figure out how to heal my heart if I were kept busy with a shiny new soccer contract. It was a long shot, but it was the only thing that kept me from thinking about how I messed up my love life.
When the phone call came in asking me to return to the sports complex in two weeks for the second round of auditions, I tried my best to put it in perspective. There were hundreds at the first round of tryouts. The second round would still include stiff competition. I needed to keep it real. No point in getting my hopes up. But there was one thing the coach on the phone had said that kept echoing in my mind.
He said, “We liked what we saw in you and want you to come next weekend for a chance to earn a professional contract. Is that something you can do?”
“Of course I can.”
“Thank you, Cole. We’ll see you Saturday.”
“Thank you!”
I hung up and recalled the conversation a thousand times. I wanted to tell Kat about it. She was the only one I could imagine calling. I even picked up my cell phone and hovered over her number. Then I reasoned that I didn’t really have any definitive news at this point. I would sound ridiculous. I didn’t even know what would happen next Saturday.
That’s when I made the decision to apply my coach’s “what ifs” to this part of my life as well. What if she’s the reason I survived that bullet last year? What if I woke up because she was by my side every day? What if Kat is the only one for me and I’m the one for her?
I could go one more week. I would keep up my intense focus. I would do my best next Saturday. But afterward, regardless of the outcome, I would call her.
Chapter Thirty
Kat
My night with Bennett was nice. I know that nice isn’t necessarily the right word to describe steamy sex. A summer day is nice. A walk on the beach is nice. Ice cream is nice. Sex is supposed to be hot. And it was, yet because neither one of us wanted anything to progress from that one night, it was just nice.
He was thoughtful and giving. No complaints of him being a selfish lover. I got what I wanted and he did as well. It was a mutually beneficial evening. But when it was over, I really felt like I wanted to go home to my own bed. It made me thankful that he invited me over rather than asking if he should come to my place. I don’t know what I would have done if he had fallen asleep and wanted to spend the night. The way it went down, we enjoyed each other and I said goodnight and left. No hard feelings, no expectations. Just the way I wanted it, except for the fact that I still thought of Cole.
It’s not that I felt guilty over what I had done with Bennett. People have physical needs. It’s fine for women to express those needs. More importantly, Cole and I weren’t together. It had been weeks since we took that road trip. I hadn’t spoken to him since and let’s face it, I barely spoke to him before the trip or during it. Jack hadn’t mentioned him either. It seemed as if he were truly moving on with his life. And then, as if the universe didn’t want either of us to fully recover from the other, we ran into each other at a coffee house.
“I was going to call you,” he said.
I raised my eyebrow at this over used line. “I’
ve heard that one."
“No really. I mean it.”
There was something sincere about his words. I believed him and wondered what might have brought me into his mind. “Can I at least get a hug?”
I opened my arms and he moved toward me. I half expected the awkward kind of action I received when we went to the training facility, but there was no sign of that guy. Instead, it was the Cole I had fallen for two years ago when he took down the guy who stole my purse. We stood inside the coffee house without noticing anyone who moved around us. He held me against his chest the way he used to. He held me and didn’t let go. And when I rested my cheek against him, he moved his hand to my hair and gently stroked it, almost in a sad way. But that couldn’t be. We were apart because of his choices. He couldn’t be sad.
Finally, I was the one to end the embrace. “I guess I should be going.”
He seemed as if he didn’t want me to leave. “Okay,” he uttered with a slight nod.
“Bye.”
Nothing more was said. I walked out of the coffee house and drove home. I shook my head, annoyed with myself. One hug. Less than five minutes of contact. Bam! He was in the forefront of my mind and I was hopeless to banish him. Except this time, I was equally on his mind. He called me an hour later.
I was surprised when his name came up on the caller I.D. A text would have been more in keeping with his old ways, but this was a bonafide phone call. My heart sped up at seeing his name, wondering what he wanted. I stopped having expectations and the new found acceptance had been serving me well. That’s why what happened next was all the more surprising.
“It was good to see you,” he started.
“Yeah, you too.”
“Kat, you want to know what the best part was of seeing you?”
“Tell me.”
“Seeing you smile again.”
I didn’t know what to say. It had been a really long time since I felt like smiling. It was a year of learning and healing. I guess my silence prompted another question.
“Are you smiling because you found someone?”
“Oh Cole…”
“I’m sorry. It’s not my place to ask. You don’t owe me an answer. I shouldn’t have…”
“It’s not that. I couldn’t find someone else. I’ve tried. To be honest, I’ve been with someone else, but it didn’t mean anything. I think I wanted to see if it could become something, but that’s pretty much impossible.”
I didn’t expect to be so raw with him. It just came out, but now that it did, I was thankful I could be honest. He knows what I’ve done, how I felt, and how I feel now.
“Kat, I’m sorry for how I handled things with us. I could have done so much better. But I know now.”
My bout of truth had emboldened me and since he was opening up too, I felt I could push a little farther. “What do you know, Cole? What do you mean?”
“I miss you. I want to see you.”
I wanted nothing more than to see him too, but I wasn’t about to get my heart broken again. “What would seeing me do?”
He laughed. It sounded so refreshing the way it just bubbled out of him. “Kat, if I were with you right now I’d scoop you up and hold you tight and never put you down until you begged me. I’d squeeze you and love you with all my heart because…”
He suddenly stopped speaking. I wondered if the connection had gone out. “Cole?”
That’s when I heard him clear his throat and when he started to speak again, he sounded different. Wounded almost. I could hear tears in his voice.
“I love you, Kat. I should be telling you this in person, but I don’t want to wait. I feel like I’ve wasted so much precious time. I was given more time after the shooting. I should have never treated it or you with such little regard.”
It was my turn to be silent. I was processing everything he said. Wanting to love him back, but still afraid of him reverting to his old ways of being scared off.
“I mean it, Kat,” he said to my silence. “I love you.”
The hell with my fears. “I love you, Cole. But, what does this mean? For us…”
“Can there be an ‘us,’ Kat?”
I smiled into the phone and did a little dance around the room. “Yes. But, are we talking about the same thing?”
“Let me spell it out. I want to date you and only you. Can you say the same?”
“Of course I can. I don’t want to be with anyone else.”
“Hey, I wanted to tell you something else.”
His voice grew more serious. It didn’t sound like we were talking about dating any more. “Is it serious?”
“Yes, but it’s good,” he explained. “I got a spot on the L.A. Galaxy team. I attended open tryouts. Then, I got the call-back, auditioned with a smaller group, and made it.”
“Oh my gosh, Cole! That’s amazing. Congratulations! We have to celebrate. We should find the perfect place.”
“I’d like nothing more.”
It was so easy to talk with him. It felt like us again. I decided not to hold back because that would be the ultimate test. Not that I wanted to test him, but I did want to be myself. That’s what I had learned in our time apart. In truth, Bennett helped me with that. I could tell him that I wanted to be with him for a night and there was no judgement. I didn’t have to make excuses for my feelings. I wasn’t going to start now in feeling like I couldn’t express myself with Cole.”
“Cole… are you sure there’s absolutely nothing you’d like more?” My voice took on a coquettish quality. I teased out the words so there was no mistaking my meaning.
And he got my drift. His own voice took on a husky quality. “If only I was with you, I’d show you that I’d rather celebrate privately with you than in any restaurant that exists.”
I wished he was here right now, but it was already nearly nine o’clock. I had work tomorrow. He probably had to wake up early to train. But like he said, if only… those darn if onlys.
“If only you were here, Cole…”
“If only… I’ve come to have a healthy appreciation for that phrase. It makes me know to seize the moment. Sadly, I can’t come over tonight. I have an early wake up. But, I don’t have to hang up yet. I’ve got an idea…”
“Tell me.”
“I was actually hoping you would tell me… a story.”
Hmmm, Cole knew that my blog had gotten steamier. I needed to make sure. I was still a little gun shy and my stories could scare off a lesser man. “A boring one or the kind I write?”
“Let me be clear. I want your kind.”
“Are you sure? They can get pretty steamy.”
“I’m sure.”
My heart was pounding. It wasn’t easy to wrap my head around the fact that we hadn’t spoken in months. We had been on a break. And now? Now he wanted a sexy story.
“You have to help me. Who are the characters?”
“Me and you.”
Oh my. I could definitely fantasize about the two of us. I bit my lip just relishing the news that he wanted me to write about the two of us… like that! And to top it off, in Cole’s typical style he made it fun. “You have one hour. 10 p.m. deadline. Go.”
“What are you going to be doing?”
“Think about it and write.”
Whoa. And so I did. I wrote a story about the two of us. What I imagined would happen if we ran into each other much like we had today, except it was night time and we were alone. I thought of him reading my story and that thought made the words flow.
Here’s what I came up with…
Fate had a funny sense of humor. I hadn’t planned to go out tonight. It was pouring rain and colder than I liked, but I needed a research book for work and the library at the college was the only one that carried it. I thought I would get it and get home, until the rain played games with the library’s electrical system and I became trapped in the elevator. Yet not alone.
It had been a year since I last saw him. The time away had been good to him. He had the same
strong jawline. The hair that was always impeccably coifed. But there was something more. Those eyes that used to warn me away now seemed different, almost inviting.
I knew better, though. Thinking about the past was dangerous territory, even if it still made me wet. But for now, those sort of thoughts were safely tucked away. I was focused on the frigid air, the uncomfortable feel of my top clinging to me from the rain. And certainly not least, I was sure security would discover us any minute. There were cameras — people watched for this sort of thing, didn’t they?
“How have you been?” he broke the ice and saved my mind from its endless chatter.
“I’m good.”
“You look it.”
“Thank you. You do too.”
There. The pleasantries were behind us. I hated small talk. Especially with him. I’d much rather hear him recall the times we were in bed, and how his hand would find its way to my bum even when he slept. I shivered both from my damp top in the cold as well as the memory.
“Are you cold?”
I wrapped my arms around myself. “I’ll be fine. I’m sure we’ll be out of here soon.”
“Yes, but I have an extra shirt in my backpack, if you want it.”
“If you don’t mind. I’ll get it back to you.”
He gave me a ‘don’t worry about’ shake of his head and dug out a navy blue shirt that smelled faintly of his cologne. It was either the late hour or the familiarity of being with him, but I didn’t think before I whipped my own shirt over my head. That is, I didn’t think anything of it until I saw his expression. Lust.
Instantly, my heart beat faster. I hadn’t meant to start anything. It was the last thing on my mind. But here we were, me without a top and him staring. I saw his gaze go first to my breasts that rose above my black lace bra, and then to my mouth.