Accidentally on Purpose 6 Book Box Set

by L. D. Davis

  “Yeah, actually we are,” I said it as if it should be obvious. “We’re living in a one bedroom apartment with a growing child.”

  “One bedroom?” Tabitha asked. “Who sleeps where?”

  They all stared at me with big eyes again. I quickly drank my glass of wine.

  “Lucas, obviously, has his own bed in the bedroom, and I sleep in Luke’s bed.”

  “With Luke?” Mayson asked. She was only joking, but I hesitated long enough for her to jump to the correct conclusions. “You’re sleeping with Luke!”

  “You are?” Donya gasped.

  “Oh boy,” I said and drank directly from the bottle.

  I told them everything, from the day I told Luke about Lucas to present. By the time I finished, between the questions and answers and objections of “Oh shit!” and “No fucking way!” and “Shut up!” my alcoholic high had worn off, and a headache was forming at the front of my skull.

  “So…”Donya said, her hands clasped together in front of her. I could tell by her tone that she was about to lay into me about something. “Let me get this straight, Emmy.”

  “Are you going to lecture me?” I sighed, rubbing my head.

  “Maybe you need a lecture!”

  “Maybe I need you to stop yelling.”

  “Emmy, I don’t know if you know this about yourself, but you are obnoxious.”

  “Thanks.”

  “And you drink too much, and you have a seedy past what with your drugging and screwing other women’s men.”

  “I only did that…like…twice…”

  “Whatever. You have a lot of shit attached to you is what I am saying, and for some ungodly reason, Luke Kessler wants you again.”

  “And may I point out that the man is smokin’ hot?” Mayson said and fanned herself with her hand. “Woo!”

  “He is hot,” Tabitha said with a stupid grin. “Your boyfriend is definitely sexy.”

  “Your boyfriend is sexy as hell,” Donya agreed. “If he wasn’t your boyfriend, and if I weren’t married, I would definitely want to roll around in bed with him.”

  “And in a few other places,” Tabitha giggled.

  My three closest friends proceeded to talk about all of the ways they would have Luke if the opportunity were ever to be a reality. The giggling and obnoxious comments were getting under my skin a little bit, but I sat patiently, waiting for them to get their shit together.

  “Sorry,” Mayson said a few minutes later. “We shouldn’t talk about your boyfriend like that.”

  “He’s not my boyfriend,” I objected.

  “Well, he should be,” Donya said.

  “You already live together,” Tabitha pointed out. “And you have a child together. What’s one more step?”

  “His family and our family get along so well, too,” Mayson said. “Especially Sam. Sam and Luke’s family are more like family than you and Sam. They talk to her like she’s the matriarch of their family.”

  “Thanks for reminding me of how much I don’t fit in,” I said dryly. Mayson had hit a raw nerve.

  “I didn’t mean it the way it sounded,” she tried to back track, but I cut her off.

  “My mother finds out all of the family news before I do and I see these people almost daily. When Lena thought she had cancer again, I heard it from my mom first. If something news worthy happens in Louisiana, I hear it from Lena or Lorraine first.”

  “I thought you all got along really well,” Donya said.

  “We do, but…Luke’s sisters are the kind of daughters my mom wants. They’re a lot like my sisters in the sense that they’re very family oriented and traditional. They got married young, then had children, and they don’t drink or cheat or give their kids mohawks.”

  “Lucas’s mohawk is so cute,” Tabitha said.

  “Well, whatever. They don’t do that stuff. And my mom doesn’t nag them about everything they do wrong, because they never do anything wrong. Luke’s family is good to me, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes I feel like I’m just Lucas’s mom. I’m not Emmy, with my own needs and desires. I’m just the woman who gave birth to Lucas.”

  The liquor had really opened me up. The girls were quiet for a few beats, but then Donya broke the silence.

  “If the rest of his family was the Manson family, it shouldn’t matter. If that man loves you and wants you, that’s all that matters. As long as he’s not the Charlie of the family.”

  “I don’t want to hurt him again,” I admitted out loud.

  “Then try your damnest not to,” Mayson said.

  “I don’t want him to hurt me either.”

  “It’s going to be a different kind of pain if you don’t give it a shot and he ends up with someone else entirely,” Donya said.

  I let that thought resonate in my head for the rest of the night, and throughout the following day. While I played in the sand with Lucas, I imagined what it would be like if I had to share him with not just Luke, but with another woman. I couldn’t think about it without my chest tightening, but I realized that couldn’t be the only reason to go into a relationship. It was time for me to be honest with myself about my feelings for Luke, but I had one problem. I couldn’t stop thinking about Kyle.

  Chapter Forty-One

  Donya and I sat side by side on a bench facing the beach. Mayson and Tabitha were at the water’s edge with Lucas. Leo wasn’t too far behind them, holding Rosa in his arms.

  “He likes black babies,” Donya said as we watched him fuss with the hat on the baby’s head.

  “Don’t you ever tell my niece her Auntie Em said that,” I warned my best friend.

  “I’m going get that put on a pin for you,” she teased.

  I playfully bumped her with my arm. “So why did Mayson send her boyfriend home this morning?”

  By the time Lucas and I went downstairs for breakfast that morning, the guy was gone.

  “She claims it was never that serious,” Donya said doubtfully. “She said he wanted to hold her hand and take moonlit walks with her on the beach.”

  “That creep.” I shook my fist with mock anger. “How dare he want to be sweet!”

  “I know. She said he was getting too close and it was time to cut him loose.”

  “They seemed like a happy couple,” I said, watching Mayson play with Lucas.

  “Things aren’t always what they seem,” she said in a tone that made me look at her. She still looked out at the beach, but her face was slightly pinched in deep thought.

  “Are things what they seem to be with you?” I asked after a minute.

  She turned her head. Even though she had on a dark pair of shades, I could feel the intensity of her eyes.

  “No, Emmy, they’re not.”

  My heart sank. I always thought that Donya was very happy, but if things weren’t always what they seemed, and she was admitting that, what did it mean?

  Before I could even respond, however, she smiled her pretty super model smile and said “Don’t worry. I’m fine. Besides, we’re not sitting here to talk about Mayson or me. You wanted to ask me something.”

  I was reluctant to move away from the conversation. More than ever, I felt like I didn’t know anything real about her life, but it would be hypocritical to push her. Even though I finally told her about Kyle, and she knew all about Luke, there was still a lot I kept to myself.

  Finally, I sighed and moved on to the reason I asked her to sit with me.

  “Remember when I ran away from Kyle and tried to hide out in your apartment?”

  “How can I forget that?” She asked accusingly. “You never did give me my boots back.”

  Ignoring her comment about the boots, I said “When I left, I expected Kyle to be right on my heels, but he wasn’t. By the time I pulled out of the parking lot, he still hadn’t come out. What the hell were you guys talking about?”

  She sighed and thought for a few seconds before speaking.

  “I told him that you weren’t strong enough to let him or Luke go a
nd that he had to be the one to do it. Don’t look at me like that, Emmy Grayne,” she admonished when I stared at her with an angry astonishment. “You know that I was right. You can’t even deny it now. The only reason you ended up alone in the end was because Luke cut you off and Kyle lost his mind and could have killed Lucas. If you hadn’t been pregnant, I would bet half my money in the bank that you would have stuck by that man.”

  The truth of her words stung so bad that tears instantly began to fall from my eyes. Still, I couldn’t stop myself from lashing out at her.

  “Thanks a fucking lot. I’m glad to know that you think I’m such a weak person.”

  Donya shook her head and smoothed my hair. “Girl, you’re one of the strongest women I know. I don’t think you’re weak now, but you were weak then. It doesn’t matter how much you loved Kyle or how much he loved you, it was toxic, and it started to weaken you the instant the whole affair began. There is the kind of love that builds you up and fortifies you and makes you a better person. Then there’s the kind of love that weakens you, right down to your soul. No matter what you do or how good it can feel sometimes, in the end it always hurts you.” In a saddened tone, she added “Love shouldn’t be that way. It should always be a good thing, but the reality of it is that sometimes it’s not.”

  I dug around in Lucas’s diaper bag for a tissue and blotted my eyes under my sunglasses. Donya held my hand and let me cry. After a few silent minutes, my tears were still falling, but I was ready to talk again.

  “So, what did Kyle say when you told him to let me go?”

  “He said that he loved you. He said that he knew the situation was not a favorable one, but that there were things going on behind the scenes that you didn’t even know about and he didn’t feel like he should burden you with it. Then he said that you were the only bit of sunshine he had in his world and a man can’t live without sun.”

  I stared at her. “Really? He said that?”

  “Yes,” she nodded. “At the time, I thought it was kinda sweet.”

  “It does sound sweet,” I said softly, thinking of how hard that must have been for Kyle to say that to Donya. “Well, what did you say after that?”

  She pushed her sunglasses up onto her head so I could see her eyes. Her face was very serious.

  “I told him that his ‘sun’ just ran off in my Louis Vuitton boots and that I wanted my fucking boots back.”

  I laughed so hard, that more tears came out of my eyes. We doubled over in hysterics. I had not laughed so hard in a couple of years, and it felt so good. It washed away some of the pain that had been my constant companion for a long while.

  ***

  A couple of days later, I entrusted Lucas with Donya and my cousins and headed to South Jersey. Traffic was a bitch, but it left me plenty of time to reconsider what I was doing. My brain ping ponged back and forth, back and forth, as I considered the ramifications of what I was about to do, but by the time I reached Cherry Hill, my decision was made and there was no going back.

  I checked my hair and makeup in my car before taking a deep breath and throwing myself out into the lukewarm September night air. In the elevator, I stupidly wondered if I should ring the bell or use my key. I was still asking myself that question when I got to the door.

  “Stupid,” I muttered and hit the doorbell.

  The door opened almost immediately. I had a feeling he was waiting just on the other side.

  “Why didn’t you use your key?” Kyle asked, as he stepped aside to let me in. “Or do you not have it anymore?”

  I held up my spare key. “Right here. I wasn’t sure if I should use it or not.”

  I looked around. There were boxes everywhere, some full, some in the process of being filled. Other packing supplies were visible.

  “Are you moving?”

  “Yeah,” he said, standing beside me surveying the room. “Going back over the bridge. I bought a really great apartment not far from work. It has three bedrooms, two and a half baths, and a lot of space.”

  “Why do you need so much space?”

  He shrugged and then looked at me meaningfully. “Maybe someday I won’t be by myself.”

  I looked away, feeling slightly flustered.

  “Are you hungry?” he asked. “I can order something, or we can go out. I have stuff we can make.”

  Just do what you came here to do and leave.

  “We can cook,” I said instead, tossing my tote bag on the couch.

  “That’s a big ass bag,” he said as I followed him into the kitchen.

  “Yeah, I am usually carrying diapers and sippy cups and little annoying toys in it. I just didn’t feel like changing over to a smaller bag.”

  He stood at the open refrigerator. “I have steaks, I have fish, hotdogs, chicken and some other unidentifiable items.”

  I slid in close to him and also looked at the contents of the fridge.

  “Do you have ingredients for chicken parm?” I looked up at him and his eyes were on me.

  “I think so,” he said in a distracted tone. “Your hair…”

  “You have a hair fetish,” I said. “You may need to seek professional help for your addiction.”

  “It’s not everyone’s hair that I have a thing for, it’s yours and yours only.”

  “Would you like me to give you a lock of it?”

  I looked away from him and started taking items from the fridge and freezer. Together we prepared dinner, talking about minor things while we worked, nothing too heavy. Despite the rift between us, it felt comfortable moving about the kitchen with Kyle, felt like old times, maybe better than that. When he touched me, it didn’t nearly incapacitate me like it used to, but it did feel warm and tingly.

  When dinner was put on the table, Kyle poised a bottle of wine over my glass and looked at me for permission. I nodded my consent.

  “Are you sure?” he asked in a teasing tone. “I know you feel vulnerable with me when you drink.”

  “Pour,” I demanded.

  When dinner was finished, we carried our glasses and our second bottle of wine to the living room. After small talk, I asked the question I had been wanting to ask.

  “Kyle, what happened with you and Jessyca? I’ve heard bits and pieces, rumors mostly, but I haven’t been able to confirm anything.”

  He sighed and sat back.

  “It got ugly,” he nodded. “Long story short, I broke up with her about a month after…after you left. Jess had some dirt on my dad’s personal life and some of his illegal business practices. She had been holding me down with it for a long time, but I just didn’t care anymore. I had already lost the most important thing in my life,” he brushed the back of his hand against my cheek, making me shiver.

  “Jess’s dirt definitely ruined the connection Sterling Corp had with her father’s business, and we lost a lot of clients. My dad went on a rampage, fired me, cut me off financially, and banned me from all things Sterling, but then he had no choice but to resign. I was hired back into the company by my more honest family members and other board members, and my parents got a divorce. Since my mom took practically everything, he’s now the one banned, and on house arrest for a little while. It’s still not all over, at least for him. He can still get jail time.”

  “Wow,” I said, because I felt that I had to say something.

  I readjusted myself so that my face wasn’t so visible, because I was feeling…slighted. Kyle kept me hanging by a thin thread for a long time because of Jessyca’s dirt on his dad. While I understood the desire to protect one’s family, I thought he should have immediately let me go, or immediately accepted the fallout from such dirt being dished. His decision to try to have both nearly ruined me, and maybe him, too.

  “I looked for you after everything went down,” he said softly. “I looked all over for you. Your family wouldn’t tell me anything, Donya wouldn’t tell me anything—except to fuck off. I hired someone to find you, but your trail ended in London. I didn’t hear anything again un
til after you settled in Chicago. I figured you were with Luke, so I let you go. Again.”

  I gave a short nod, acknowledging I heard him, but didn’t trust myself to speak.

  “You hate me for what I’ve done to you,” Kyle stated.

  “I hate myself more for not having enough of…whatever it was I needed to resist you in the first place,” I said in a shaky voice. I stood up to get away from him. “I wish you never found me in the bar.”

  I stood in front of the window with a distant city view, trying to get myself together. I could sense him standing behind me, and then I felt his breath on my neck and his hands on my hips.

  “If it wasn’t there, it would have been somewhere else,” he whispered in my ear.

  For a moment, I froze, and for a moment, I was vulnerable. If he kissed my neck, I would surrender. If his hands moved to the front of my body and touched me in sensitive places, I would have given in. If he even wrapped his arms around me, I would have willingly been his slave. But it was only for a moment that I felt so weak. The window of opportunity closed, my vision cleared, and the fog in my brain dissipated. I realized my near folly and hastily stepped away from Kyle.

  “I should go,” I said and made a beeline for my giant bag.

  “Emmy,” Kyle was on my heels, and stopped me at the door. “I can’t deal with losing you again. What do you want me to do?”

  “I don’t think…” I shook my head and stared at him.

  “Nothing I can do? We just had a really nice night. I know you don’t really mean that. You had a good time.”

  “I did, but…it’s not enough.”

  “Kiss me,” he whispered.

  “No,” I said and started to move away, but he grabbed a hold of my shoulders. “Kiss me, and then if you still want to walk out of the door, I will let you.”

  “I can’t,” I whispered.

  “Because you know how it will make you feel,” he said and pressed me against the door. “You want to kiss me, though. Don’t you?”

  His lips drew so close to mine, I could feel his warm breath going into my mouth. It had a taste, a familiar taste, the taste of Kyle’s mouth. I was centimeters away from tasting him again.