by L. D. Davis
My biggest concern, however, was Emmet. He took his education seriously, and he put in three hard years already. I worried that later, when it was too late, he would regret his decision. I understood what he was trying to do, but he needed to live his own life. He needed to finish school and get his career on track. His life couldn’t be just about me. For the first time since Sam and Fred discovered our relationship, I started to consider Sam’s words. I began to believe that maybe…what we were doing was a mistake.
Emmet would eventually get tired of following me around. The romanticism would fade, and he would start to rethink his decision to drop out of college. He would get tired of sitting in whatever hotel or temporary home we were in for the week and waiting for me to come home.
The Graynes were loaded, but they were hard workers. They liked to have a purpose. Fred still kept a close eye on his businesses even though Fred Jr. was running things. Sam worked hard to take care of her home and family and was putting more and more of her time into charitable organizations.
Though Charlotte was pregnant with her second child, married to a man with deep pockets and she still got a piece of that Grayne pie, she had a successful consultant business that she ran out of her home. Lucille’s husband was in medical school and didn’t have deep pockets, but even though they had enough money between them for her to lounge at home and do nothing, she worked hard for a large marketing firm.
Emmy was in her last year of high school, but she had a part time after school job and I knew she would work her butt off in college and work hard after that.
I was one hundred percent positive that Emmet would not be okay with sitting at home doing nothing while I was out working. It maybe would have been okay at first, but eventually it would have gotten to him. Eventually, the regrets and resentment would have come.
“Hello?” Emmy said, waving a hand in my face.
I blinked a few times and focused in on her face. “I’m sorry. I’m listening,” I promised.
“You are not,” she argued. “You haven’t heard a word I said for five minutes.”
“It took you five minutes to realize I wasn’t listening to you?” I asked dubiously.
“See, you just admitted you weren’t listening to me. What’s going on with you? You’re completely preoccupied, and you’ve been quiet since I got here.”
After hurting Emmy with the secret of my relationship with Emmet, I stopped withholding anything major about me. I was still more or less a private person that kept a lot to myself, but nothing major, and what Emmet was about to do for me was pretty major.
“Emmet wants to take a year or two off of school so he can be with me,” I said, getting straight to the point.
Emmy’s face went from curiosity to dismay. “He can’t do that,” she said, shaking her head adamantly.
“I have been trying to talk him out of it for weeks, Emmy. He won’t listen to reason.”
“Mom and Dad will flip out,” she said, staring at me incredulously. “He’ll lose his scholarship. He’ll stop getting money from his trust fund. He may not get into law school.”
“I know, and I’ve told him all of that, and he doesn’t care. So, now I’m worried about it all of the time. I’m terrified that he’s going to give it all up to be with me and then resent me for it later.”
Emmy sighed deeply. She looked at me as if there was something she wanted to say, but she was reluctant to say it. She bit her bottom lip to keep herself from blurting it out.
“What?” I asked tiredly. “Just say what you have to say.”
“It’s just…” she started but stopped to release what sounded like a sigh of defeat. “I didn’t want to say this, but this is one of the reasons why they didn’t want you and Emmet dating. They thought he would eventually do something like this.”
I thought back to the conversation Emmet and I had with my mom what felt like half a lifetime ago at the dinner table in L.A.
The paths you will follow separately will slowly take you apart, piece by piece.
I was so sure that she had been wrong. I didn’t think we were naïve and I didn’t think there could be anything to pull us apart, but the very thing my mother said would ruin us was ruining us. Though she was gone, I had the sudden urge to yell at her for bringing this upon us with her negative words. Sam’s words to us the night after my mom’s funeral weren’t any more warming, but also hit their mark.
“Sam and Fred will hate me,” I said, staring down at my cappuccino.
“They won’t hate you,” Emmy said soothingly.
“They will blame me, Emmy,” I quietly snapped, turning my gaze upon her. “Maybe not out loud and maybe not directly, but they will know that I am the reason and no one else.”
She wanted to argue, but she didn’t have an argument. Every word she started to say in objection never made it past her lips because she knew I was right. Finally, she gave up on arguing and asked me what I was going to do.
“Maybe I should quit,” I said so quietly, I wasn’t sure if she heard me over the other diners in the café.
“Quit what?”
“Modeling.”
“So you can be with Emmet?” She asked incredulously. “You would give it all up for him?”
“You say that like it’s a terrible thing,” I snapped.
“Well, for someone your age, it is,” she snapped back. “You’re eighteen years old. Even though you’re more mature than me, you’re still very young, and you’re still growing as a person. You’re going to hand yourself over completely to a man who is barely a man, who is still between being a boy and being a man, and lose yourself completely? You won’t even know who you were supposed to be or who you wanted to be in ten years because you will only be what Emmet wanted you to be.”
Those were the most serious words I had ever heard come out of my friend’s mouth, serious and true, but I wasn’t ready to concede just yet.
“People give up their careers for the person they love all of the time,” I pointed out. “In a way I understand where Emmet is coming from.”
“Sure, people give up their careers to be with someone they love,” Emmy nodded. “But how many of those people are eighteen years old? How many of those people are in the unique situation that you are in? You are an in-demand high fashion super model, Donya. You aren’t a twenty-seven-year-old system’s analyst or a thirty-year-old school teacher.”
Emmy leaned forward and grabbed my hand in a death grip as she looked at me with earnest.
“When we were younger, I had all kinds of dreams and aspirations. I wanted to be a singer. I wanted to be an actress. I wanted to be a news reporter, and I wanted to be a whole list of other things before I finally settled on going into business administration. You never joined in with my schemes to become Miss America or a princess or any of that. Instead, you just played a supportive role. Not too long before we first met Max at the beach, I asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up. Do you remember what you said to me?”
I closed my eyes for a moment. I remembered the conversation. When I had answered Emmy’s question back then, she didn’t even know what to say to me for a minute. She finally had just hugged me because there was nothing to say.
I opened my eyes and looked at her across the table. I let out a shaky breath and nodded that I remembered. Recalling that conversation changed everything and we both knew it, but Emmy still felt it necessary to say it out loud.
“You told me that you didn’t have any desire to be anything,” she said quietly with tears in her eyes. “You just said that what you did not want to be was your mother.”
Emmy released my hand and dropped her hands in her lap. The realization of what I had to do slammed into me hard. My hands balled into tight fists, and I swallowed hard repeatedly to keep my emotions from overtaking me right there in the restaurant.
“Can we cut his weekend short?” I asked her in a haggard whisper.
She nodded solemnly as she looked at me with sad eyes.
“I know I said a lot of things in the past to discourage you about Emmet,” she said quietly. “But I know you love him, and I know he loves you. I don’t want to see either one of you hurt. I didn’t say the things I just said to hurt either of you.”
I nodded once. “I know,” I managed.
I took money out of my purse and left it on the table even though the bill had not come yet. I put down more than enough to cover it and a very generous tip. Following my lead, Emmy stood up, and together we walked out onto the busy city street.
*~*~*
Emmet knew there was something wrong when I called him and told him I was driving up to see him. He asked me what was wrong repeatedly in the short conversation, but I gave nothing away and told him I’d be there as soon as I could.
Since getting my license a couple of weeks after the spring break fiasco, I rarely drove anywhere. I didn’t feel the need to drive in the city, and I always took the train to Emmet’s, but I didn’t want to have to rely on a long wait for a train later. I borrowed one of Felix’s cars and started the drive to Cambridge.
Emmet opened the door to his apartment before I could even get out of the car. I saw him standing in the doorway waiting for me, and I had to take several deep breaths before getting out.
“Is that Felix’s?” he asked, eyeing the flashy car as I approached him.
“Yes,” I answered and hit the key fob to engage the alarm.
Emmet’s eyes met mine, and I knew that he knew that something bad was coming.
“Why did you drive and not take the train?” he asked. He hadn’t moved out of the doorway yet.
“I didn’t want to deal with the train today,” I answered quickly.
He looked at me with unease for another moment before stepping aside to let me in.
Usually, we met with embraces and sweet kisses, but I walked into the apartment and stood on one side of the living room, and Emmet took his stance on the other side.
“What are you about to do, Donya?” he asked quietly.
I held a hand to my stomach as I tried to calm myself, but I couldn’t. My breaths were short and labored as my heart hammered in my chest.
“What are you doing?” Emmet asked, but his voice cracked on the last word.
“I’m ending this,” I managed to say, and then to clarify, I added, “I’m ending us, Emmet.”
And then I burst into tears.
Emmet rushed over to me and tried to hold me, and I wanted him to hold me. I wanted to melt into his arms and never leave, but as much as it hurt, I had to stick to my guns. I pushed him away from me and took a step back. My whole body shook with sobs and tears gushed out of my eyes, nearly blinding me.
“Why?” he asked pleadingly. “Why are you doing this?”
“Because we’re going to two different places,” I said through my tears. “We’re on two different paths in life. They don’t parallel, and they don’t converge, they go on and on in opposite directions.”
“That’s why I’m leaving school, Donya,” he nearly yelled. “So that I can be with you.”
“I don’t want you to leave school,” I snapped. “That is not an acceptable option, Emmet.”
“Then quit modeling, or slow down or take some time off, but don’t quit us. We love each other, Donya, we were made for each other.”
I was only mildly surprised that he made that suggestion. A few minutes before he was willing to follow me across the earth, but in desperation he asked me to give up my job.
“When I was younger, I never had any hopes of becoming anything,” I started, wiping at my tears with my hands. “I thought I'd end up married, waiting for my husband to take care of me and then become my mother. She got married young and gave up all of her own hopes and dreams and lost herself along the way. I didn’t want that for myself, but I didn’t think there could be anything else for me. Then Max found me on the boardwalk and for the first time in my life I had a dream, I had a desire, and I quickly realized all of the things I could have. I had a sense of purpose, but with independence and with independence I won't become my mother. I can't give it up, not now. If I did, I know that no matter how perfect you are, that I will become my mother. I'll regret, and I'll resent and sink into despair and I will ruin both of us. We would be so unhappy together, and I know that I will be unhappy without you, but I'd rather be alone and sad and heartbroken than to find myself in a failed, loveless marriage fifteen years from now.”
Emmet’s eyes glistened with tears. When I watched a few slip through, it almost brought me to my knees.
“Then don’t quit,” he said desperately. “Let me be the one to make the sacrifice like I wanted to in the first place.”
“The result will be the same, Emmet. I can't be happy with you knowing what you threw away, and it would only be a matter of time before you regret and resent me. You can't tell me that you would be happy doing nothing with your life and following me around.”
“I will be happy with you!” he shouted.
“Maybe at first, but after some time, you'll keep telling yourself that even though you're not, and you'll stay because you are the kind of man that would stay forever in an unhappy situation out of loyalty if nothing else.”
My beautiful green eyed Emmet cried openly, letting his tears flow freely down his cheeks.
“There has to be some other way,” he pleaded. “Don’t do this. I can’t live without you.”
“There is no other way,” I whispered and closed my eyes so I wouldn’t have to watch him crying. It was destroying me inside.
“You can’t do this,” Emmet suddenly yelled, making my eyes snap open. He suddenly looked so angry, but I could still detect the pain under the anger. I felt it shooting through that tether right into my heart. “You can’t make this decision for the both of us!”
“It’s the right decision,” I said softly.
“We can find another way,” he said pathetically. “Give me some time to figure something else out.”
I took a couple of weary steps towards him and put a hand on his chest. He stared down at it, and his tears splashed on my skin.
“We’re eternally joined, Emmet,” I sobbed softly. “That will never change. I will always love you, but this is not our time. Our time is not now.”
He put his hands over my hand and cried hard, making his whole body shake. I pulled my hand from his and wrapped my arms around him. I sobbed on his chest as he cried into my neck. I wanted to change my mind and try to find another way, but there was no other way, and I think Emmet knew it too.
He grabbed a hold of my head and tilted it up to his face. His lips crushed mine in a kiss clouded with grief and desperation. Our tears slid to our connected lips and converged and seeped into our mouths, adding a salty taste to our bittersweet kiss.
I wrenched my mouth away from his, pulled out of his arms and stepped away from him. Before I chickened out, I pulled the beautiful engagement ring off of my finger and carefully put it on the glass coffee table in front of the couch. I ran then, because I couldn’t take another moment of that utter destruction of our hearts. I ran out of his apartment and to the waiting car. I cranked the engine without looking back to see if Emmet had followed and sped away from the man who held my heart and the other half of my soul.
PART TWO
Frayed
Chapter Thirty-Seven
“Pancakes! Bacon! And Eggs!” Felix cheered, putting a plate loaded with the breakfast trio in front of me. He stood on the other side of the bar grinning at me. “I ordered it all by myself,” he said proudly.
“Thank you, but I’m not hungry,” I said, pushing the plate away. “I’ll just have coffee.”
He frowned, but poured me a mug of coffee and mixed in the right amount of cream and sugar for me and put it next to the plate.
“You should eat something,” he said.
Opening the latest issue of Vogue, I shook my head without looking at him.
“Not hungry,” I repeate
d.
“You’re ridiculously thin, Donya.”
“I am a supermodel,” I said, picking up my coffee. “I am supposed to be thin.”
“Sure, that explains your eating disorder,” Felix said dryly.
I looked up at him as I sipped my coffee. I put the mug down and said, “I don’t have an eating disorder. I am not hungry. I will eat later.”
“Well, that’s bullshit, and we both know it,” he said. “I’ve been home for an entire month, and I haven’t seen you eat more than four meals the entire time, and they weren’t even meals. A handful of carrots or a few bites of a sandwich hardly qualifies as a meal.”
“You only see me for a few minutes a day,” I said, climbing off of the stool. “You don’t know what I eat or don’t eat.”
“You’re so fucking skinny that you look sick,” he snapped. “Just appease me and eat a fucking bacon strip.”
I sighed with impatience. I snatched a strip of bacon off of the plate and took a bite. Chewing felt like a chore that took way too much energy and the piece of meat tasted like paper, as did everything else I ate.
“Happy?” I asked Felix after I ate the bacon.
“It’s bacon,” he grumbled, snatching the plate of food off of the bar. “I expect a little more enthusiasm.”
He threw the entire plate in the trash. I looked at him blankly before taking my coffee and magazine and heading back to my apartment.
“Thanks for the coffee,” I said over my shoulder.
“Yeah, whatever,” he mumbled.
I went into the apartment and started packing. I was going to do a photo shoot in Hawaii. Emmy was on her way up to New York so that she could fly out with me. We weren’t going to have a lot of leisure time after the shoot, only a day, maybe two, but Emmy was all for it. She had been traveling with me more and more since she graduated high school. She said she wanted to suck up as much time with me as she could get because she would be away at Penn State starting in September and we wouldn’t get to see much of each other.