by L. D. Davis
I absently packed for the trip. I wasn’t thinking of anything really; I just rather zoned out, but when I went to push my hair out of my face, I was startled to find my wrist naked. I stared at it, dumbfounded for a moment before I started to turn in a frantic circle, searching for my bracelet. When I didn’t find it on my bureau or in the bathroom, I started tearing the clothes out of my suitcase. I found it about half way through, just lying there on a pair of shorts. I released a deep breath as I picked it up.
I inspected it to see if it was broken, but found nothing to indicate that it was. I slid it over my hand and back onto my wrist. I shook my wrist a little to see if it would come off. It didn’t come off, but it slid dangerously low on my hand, so I knew it had probably fallen off with some help from a little friction from my clothes.
I sighed. Felix was right, of course, I had lost weight, and because of that, my wrist and hand were smaller, making it easy for the bracelet to slide off. I hadn’t meant to lose the weight, but my appetite had been gone for nearly three months. I felt dead inside and dead people don’t eat.
I hadn’t spoken to or seen Emmet since the day we broke up. I had driven back to New York that night, crying until I was dehydrated. I had lain in bed completely devastated and half hoping that Emmet would come after me again. If he came after me again, I’d drop everything to be with him, even though I would risk becoming my mother. But he didn’t come, and though it killed me that he didn’t come, I was glad he didn’t come. It was for the best for each of us.
I gave myself one more day to grieve, to feel bad for myself and Emmet. When I woke up the following morning, it was with a hardened heart and erected walls. Whatever that was soft in me dissolved. I became a machine, smiling at the right moments and speaking the appropriate things, but the smiles were empty and meaningless, and my words didn’t ring sincere. I had emotionally cut myself off from most of the world, only leaving just enough heart for Emmy and Felix, but not much.
“I’m here,” Emmy called from my living room.
“Hey, Jersey,” I heard Felix say, entering from the penthouse.
“Hi,” I heard Emmy say and could practically hear her grinning. She was always well behaved around Felix, which was hard considering how ill-behaved he could be, but I don’t think she ever quite got over being in his presence.
I stepped out of the bedroom, holding the bracelet to my wrist.
“Hi, Em,” I said to her.
She turned away from Felix and looked me over with a surprised look on her face, but she quickly covered it with a smile.
“Hey, D,” she said. “Almost ready? Our flight leaves soon.”
“Yeah,” I nodded. “I’ll be out in a minute.”
I went back into my room, leaving the door open a crack. I heard Emmy whisper, “Why is she so skinny?”
“You know why,” Felix answered back in a low murmur.
“You think it’s because she’s not over what happened between her and Emmet? Are you sure she doesn’t have an eating disorder?”
“I think she does have an eating disorder, but it’s because of what’s going on inside of her.”
“Which is?” Emmy implored, still whispering.
“Nothing,” Felix said with a sigh. “There’s nothing there.”
I zipped up my suitcase and dug a pack of cigarettes out of my purse. It was a habit I picked up only a week after I lost—or gave up Emmet. It helped me keep my emotions buried. Maybe it was all psychological, but I did what I had to do.
I sat down on the edge of my bed, smoking a cigarette and listening to my friends talk about me as if I wasn’t even there. I guess that would be right, though. Inside my shell of a body, I wasn’t really there at all.
*~*~*
“Why can’t I have an apartment like Emmet?” Emmy whined.
“Because you’re you,” Sam said with a hand on her hip.
“What is that supposed to mean?” Emmy demanded.
As mother and daughter began to bicker, Fred and I shook our heads and headed back to his SUV with the attached U-Haul trailer. It was the weekend before the start of Emmy’s classes at Penn State. She and her parents had driven in from Jersey, but I flew in from New York, preferring to travel alone than to be stuck in a car with Sam for the drive to State College and the return trip.
“How are you doing, Kiddo?” Fred asked me as we walked to the car.
“Great,” I lied. “I should be asking you that. All of the kids are gone now. How do you think that’s going to feel when you get back?”
“I’m going to be stuck alone with Sam,” he said, giving me a knowing look with gleaming eyes. “How do you think I’m going to feel?”
I managed a smile, because it seemed like the right moment to smile. Super Model Donya always knew when it was time to smile.
“I’m sure you will be fine,” I said reassuringly.
We had a brief discussion about what to take in next, but before I could lift anything, Fred put his strong hand on my arm, making me look up at him, a bit surprised.
“Now, how are you really, Donya?” he asked.
I stared up at the man who was more of a father than my real father had ever been. Fred may have been slow catching on to my relationship with Emmet, but overall, he was always really good at knowing when something was wrong with me.
“Breathing,” I finally answered and looked away.
“Just barely,” he sighed. “I didn’t want to ask you this because I didn’t think it was possible, not with you anyway, but I’d be a bad parent if I didn’t ask.”
“Ask me what?” I looked back him with curiosity.
“Are you on drugs?” Fred asked, with a stern expression.
I almost laughed, like a real sincere laugh, but it died in my throat.
“No, I’m not on drugs, Fred,” I answered.
“Because I heard that drugs run rampant in your business. A lot of girls are on something because they’re stressed out or need to stay awake or stay thin.”
“You’re right,” I said. “A lot of girls are on drugs for those reasons. I know a lot of them, but I’m not one of them. I promise.”
I started to pick up a box, but he stopped me again.
“You are withdrawn and extremely thin,” he said. “Those are signs of drug usage. Donya, if you are on something, I don’t want to lecture you, Kiddo. I want you to get help.”
Frustrated, I turned my body fully to look up at him.
“Fred, I am not on drugs,” I said irritably. “I will gladly piss in a cup or give you a hair or blood sample to be analyzed, and you will find that I am telling the truth. But if that’s what you want…”
I turned away again. Frustration and anger were the only two emotions I let out of the cage. They were necessary, especially in my business.
“Okay,” Fred said with a sigh. “I believe you. You’re not on drugs. I’ll ask you one more question, and then I’ll let it go.”
“Fine,” I answered.
“Does this personality change have to do with Emmet?”
I looked up at Fred. I gave him one quick nod, grabbed a box, and walked back towards the dorms.
After we helped Emmy get some of her things unpacked and met her roommate, we all went out to dinner. I ordered a small meal to appease the stares of my family, but since I had no desire to eat the food and it still tasted like paper to me, I mostly nibbled at it.
Sam and Fred were going to stay in a hotel nearby and leave in a couple of days, but I was flying back out that night. After dinner, they drove me to the airport. Emmy got out of the car with me at the curb and hugged me fiercely.
“Donya, please take care of yourself,” she said in a soft voice before pulling away. “And for the love of god, eat a damn sandwich!”
I rolled my eyes and gave her a genuine smile, one of few that were only reserved for her and Felix.
“And quit smoking,” she admonished, shaking a finger at me.
“Who are you? My mother?”
Em bit her lip and looked as if she wanted to say something more.
“Spit it out,” I sighed. “What is it now?”
“I just thought you would like to know that Emmet goes back to class on Monday.”
No one ever talked about Emmet around me. It was like they understood that discussing Emmet wasn’t an option. Even Sam managed to keep her big mouth shut, but I was glad to hear that Emmet did go back to school. I felt a small stir of emotion. It was bittersweet.
“Good,” I said with a small nod. “Then he’s doing exactly what he should be doing. Thank you for telling me.”
She gave a small shrug. “I wouldn’t have known if Dad hadn’t told me. Emmet doesn’t talk to me that much anymore.”
I felt like that was my fault, but before I could say anything about it, Emmy said, “Which is fine, because I don’t really talk to any of my siblings.”
Fred blew the horn then, and we took our cue. I gave her one last hug and went inside.
As soon I got back to New York I had to pack for a shoot in Milan. By Monday morning, I would be on my rightful path in life, and Emmet would be back on his.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Every Thanksgiving Sam and Fred throw a party. They invite every single person they know and their relatives to the big house in Louisiana. There is always enough food to feed a small country and people stay late into the night, hanging around the bonfire, milling around the inside of the house and hanging out on the porch.
I had not planned on going. I didn’t want to see Emmet, and I didn’t want him to stay away because they were more his family than mine, but Emmy said that Emmet was staying in Cambridge and having dinner with friends and was not expected to be in Louisiana. I didn’t necessarily want to be around all of those people, but Felix had taken to calling me Cat Lady, and since he was having his family over for the holiday, I decided to leave. That way his family could use my apartment as it was originally intended and I wouldn’t have to listen to his commentary about my lack of a social life or my thin frame.
I arrived at the house two days before the holiday. I was exhausted since I had just returned from L.A. only a few hours before I began the long drive from New York. I drove straight through and arrived in the wee hours of the morning. As I climbed the steps to the silent, dark house, I was reminded of the night Emmet surprised me in the kitchen after making almost the same drive. I could almost smell his cologne, and hell, I could almost taste the lemon cake we ate that night.
I used my old key to let myself into the house. I locked the door behind me and started through the living room to take the stairs to the second floor. I looked at the couch, half expecting to find Emmet’s form lying there, but I was disappointed to find it empty.
I climbed the stairs and quietly slipped into the room I had to share with Emmy. She was sound asleep, curled up on one side of the bed. Tired beyond reason, I kicked my shoes off, stripped out of my clothes and quickly changed into comfortable sleeping clothes and got into the bed.
I was so tired, but I couldn’t sleep. The house held too many memories. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw Emmet’s face, heard Emmet’s voice, and felt Emmet’s touch. He haunted me every night when I tried to sleep, but being in that house made it so much worse. I hadn’t even spent the night in the house in New Jersey since we broke up.
I still felt Emmet moving around in the world. That tether never dissolved, it never severed, and it was strong. Sometimes when my chest ached, and I felt a painful pressure, I had to wonder if it was Emmet. Was Emmet upset? Was Emmet hurting? Could Emmet feel me too?
When I finally drifted off to sleep, Emmet came to me in my dreams, and everything was perfect between us. He had finished school and my career had shifted to something that allowed me to stay in one place most of the time. We were happy, and we were in love. It was as if our broken hearts had never happened, but then I woke up and realized it was just a dream. The reality of my life set in, I allowed that hard cold hardness to take over, and I found a way to breathe.
*~*~*
By mid-afternoon on Thanksgiving Day, the party was in full swing. The yard was crowded with people, from the very young to the very old. There were a couple dozens of tables full of food, and even more food roasted on spits and sizzled on grills.
I did my best to be social and speak to people I hadn’t spoken to in a long time, and to introduce myself to those I had never met. I spent some time with Fred Jr.’s children and Charlotte’s kids, too, and I rubbed Lucy’s pregnant belly. I appeased Sam by eating a hotdog, but it felt like a rock sitting in my stomach, so soon after I ate it, I escaped into the house and into the upstairs bathroom and puked it up. I brushed my teeth and started back downstairs, rubbing at the discomfort in my chest.
I wanted a cigarette, badly. I felt like I was about to puke up my heart next by the way it was slamming around in my chest like it wanted to get out. Whatever emotions that were trying to climb their way into my chest needed to be suppressed. I walked over to a group of smokers standing away from the bulk of the people. I pulled my clove flavored cigarettes out of the front pocket of the lightweight hoodie I had on, lit up, and fell into conversation with a girl I used to occasionally hang out with during the summers as a kid.
While I feigned to be interested in her life, my hand busily rubbed at my chest. The pressure and aching were intensifying, so I took deeper drags of the cigarette. For no reason that was clear to me at the time, I looked back towards the busy area where all of the food was, and even with the dozens of other bodies moving about, I was immediately met by a pair of green eyes. I looked away quickly and tried not to panic.
“Hey, are you okay?” the girl asked me.
“Fine,” I said quickly. “I’m sorry. I just…have to…” I didn’t even finish the sentence before I walked away from her.
I hurried in the opposite direction, away from the party, and away from those damn green eyes. I puffed on my cigarette until it was down to the filter. I stopped to snub it out against a tree. I didn’t want to flick it into the grass, so I put it back into my pack, and while I was at it, I took another cigarette out and lit it up.
I headed into the woods, hoping that none of the kids had ventured out there. I just needed to get away from everyone and put some distance between me and Emmet, because my chest was burning with pain and it wasn’t from the cigarettes.
I leaned against a tree and tried to get myself together. I didn’t understand why Emmet was there when he had told the family he wasn’t coming. I had to wonder if he did that on purpose, so that he could run into me there, but then he knew where I lived in New York. I had no doubt in my mind that Felix would help Emmet out and lock me in a room with him.
“What the fuck,” I muttered to the tree across from me.
I let the cigarette sit in a corner of my mouth as I closed my eyes. I was trying to think of what my next move should be. I couldn’t hide in the woods all day.
I rubbed at my chest again and felt tears forming behind my eyes. I had worked hard to keep those horrible emotions away, but they were bursting from their chains, and I didn’t know how to stop it.
My cigarette was plucked from my mouth, and I opened my eyes and whirled around, prepared to yell at Emmy for sneaking up on me, but I found myself face to face with Emmet. He snuffed out the cigarette and then tossed it away. In his other hand was a plate loaded with food. He picked up a can of soda he had put down on the ground and then he met my eyes and thrust the plate in my face.
I took a step back and looked at the plate like it was poisonous.
Emmet took a menacing step towards me and thrust the plate at me again.
“You look like a fucking skeleton,” he growled between gritted teeth.
With a shaky hand, I reached out and took the plate from him. I expected him to go away after that, but he stood there, staring at me.
“Eat something,” he snapped after a moment of mutual staring.
“I’m not h
ungry,” I whispered.
Another menacing step from Emmet had me backed into my tree.
“Eat something or I’ll start shoving food down your throat,” he promised.
I looked at the plate and chose the least offending item, a small buttered roll, and took a nibble. I started to put it back, but a glare from Emmet stopped me. I took the roll a little more seriously and took bigger bites. It was tasteless, as was the piece of turkey he made me eat next.
Every few bites, Emmet silently handed me the can of soda to help wash down the food. When he tried to make me eat some kind of potato salad next, my stomach finally revolted. I turned away from him and retched violently. I felt my hair being pulled back away from my face as I released all of the contents of my stomach.
I was in tears by the time I finished. My emotions had burst free and were running amok. I wiped my mouth with one sleeve and my tears and nose with my other sleeve. I felt humiliated. I felt angry. I felt overwhelming sadness, and the shards of my broken heart poked at me without mercy.
Emmet put his hands on my shoulders and pushed me up against a tree. He stood close to me, but not close enough for our bodies to touch. He looked at me with anger and pain.
“You wanted to live your own life, Donya, and I fully expected to find you satisfied with your decision. Instead, I find you smoking cigarettes and practically emaciated. You said you didn’t want to be your mother, but you are. You’re just another version of her. Get your shit together, Donya, and prove to me that breaking our hearts was worth it.”
He looked at me with great sadness for a moment and then left me alone sobbing softly in the woods.