The Life She Wants

by Robyn Carr

  “For a little while were you happy? Did you think you’d been crowned?”

  “Looking back, not for very long. Two days into our honeymoon, Richard got a phone call that sent him hurrying off to Dubai and he couldn’t take me—it was business. He worked long days, had business dinners, business trips. I was like a happy little girl whose daddy had finally come home when he spent an evening at home. He took employees along on vacations. He never rested. June, I loved him because I didn’t know him. I didn’t know him at all. By the time he was convicted I wondered how I’d been so easily duped. How I managed to stay blind—that’s the part I don’t get. How can I ever trust myself again?”

  Chapter Thirteen

  Emma and June talked for hours, talked over dinner and then a cup of coffee. It reminded Emma of those times when she was a girl and she had issues or heartaches and she and Riley would sit on June’s bed and talk it all out. When her father died and her stepmother and sisters weren’t very comforting, June was there. Then it was worse when Rosemary remarried less than a year later, bringing home a man they didn’t even know. A creepy man who made Emma so uncomfortable just by the way he looked at her. She was always at Riley’s house and Rosemary didn’t miss her at all. And June was constant, always there for her, no matter how tired she might’ve been. Even when Emma and Riley fell out, June wrote Emma a lovely letter saying she hoped one day they could make amends, but no matter, June would always love her like a daughter. “You are the daughter of my heart, Emma, and no matter what happens, I will always embrace you. If you need me, just call me.”

  It was ten o’clock when June nearly pushed her out the door. “I’m afraid to leave,” Emma said. “I don’t know when we’ll ever have another chance to do this, to talk like this.”

  “There will be many chances, Emma. I promise. Maybe you’ll invite me to your little house.”

  The second the cold night air hit her face, Emma realized she was emotionally exhausted. Wrung out. She was glad Adam’s house wasn’t too far away; she was so happy he invited her back tonight. She hadn’t packed a bag or anything but she was going to impose on him, steal one of his T-shirts and curl up next to his big warm body and sleep forever, maybe till Sunday.

  “Emma?”

  She nearly jumped out of her skin at the sound of a man’s voice. She shrieked and crossed her arms over her chest.

  “Oh, Jesus, sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

  “What are you doing here?” she asked, panting a little out of fear as who should come out of the shadows but Jock.

  “I was waiting for you. I thought maybe we could talk. Just for a few minutes?”

  “About what? And why are you waiting around here in the dark? How did you know where I’d be? Are you following me, Jock?”

  “Oh, hell no, Emma. Maddie told me you’d be visiting June tonight. In fact, I think Maddie helped plan it.”

  “Huh? What are you talking about?”

  “Maddie and her grandmother,” Jock said. “You gotta watch those two. They’re co-conspirators.” He rubbed his hands together and stomped his feet, freezing.

  “Why didn’t you just call me?” she asked.

  “Because Maddie didn’t have your number. And I wasn’t going to ask Adam or Riley.” He snorted with laughter. “Oh, that would be interesting, like either one of them need another reason to be pissed off at me.” He blew on his hands. “Hey, could we just sit in the car for a few minutes? I won’t take too much of your time.”

  “Why didn’t you just tell Lyle you wanted to talk to me?”

  “Because he might not have given you the message and even if he had, you might not have wanted to talk to me. Come on, Emma—it took me forever to get up my nerve. And I’m freezing!”

  “Have you been waiting outside all this time?”

  “I didn’t think you’d be in there so long. And I didn’t want to miss you. Look, I only want to apologize. Explain and apologize.”

  She shifted her weight to the right foot. “I don’t know if that’s wise, getting into the car with you, late at night, isolated like—”

  He laughed. “Seriously? You think I’d hurt you? When did I ever hurt anyone, huh, Emma? My little girl told me where you’d be tonight. You think I’d do that to my little girl? For the love of—”

  “All right, all right... But hurry up. I’m so tired I could lie down in the street right here and fall asleep!”

  He put his hand on her elbow to steer her toward his SUV. “I know I’m a fuck-up, but I thought this was the right thing,” he said, handing her into the car. He went around to the driver’s side and got in. He started the car for heat and rubbed his hands together. “So, Emma, this isn’t going to come as news to you—I cheated on you.”

  Emma couldn’t help herself, a short burst of laughter escaped her. Then another laugh and another, until she had to put a hand over her mouth.

  “I didn’t think it was that funny,” Jock said.

  “I might be feeling a little emotional,” she said, wiping tears of laughter off her cheeks. “I know, Jock. You were slightly unfaithful. Your daughter is now fifteen.”

  “Well, I pretty much screwed up everything. I’m sorry I hurt you.”

  “What about Riley?”

  “I’m sorry I hurt her, too. But what I’m really sorry about is that I didn’t get my shit together in time to be a real father to Maddie. I mean, I’m a real father, don’t get me wrong. I’m crazy proud of that girl. She really did get the best of me and Riley—she’s beautiful and smart as her mother, she’s fun and athletic. She’s going to set the world on fire. I don’t know what she’s going to do—I bet a doctor or scientist or something. If I’d done the right thing fast enough, we’d be together, but hell, I was a stupid kid. I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t know how I felt. Plus, even if I did know, I couldn’t put it into words. Or actions.”

  “No, Jock,” Emma said, shaking her head. “We wouldn’t be together. It didn’t take me very long to come to that conclusion. We were falling apart right away. We were too young to hold together a long distance—”

  “Not you and me, Emma. Me and Riley and Maddie. It’s my fault, I get that. I didn’t step up like I should have. To tell the truth, it scared me to death. I had a part-time job at a gym, for God’s sake. I mostly picked up towels, wiped down equipment, showed people how to use the weights, checked IDs and got to work out for free. And that was right before I got a part-time job at the store—in shipping. I was in school, showing everyone how stupid I was, mostly. When Riley said we should tell you, I couldn’t face it, couldn’t face you. Couldn’t face her family—you know how tight they are. Sheesh. So I was too late. When I did go back to her and suggest we get married, she told me to go to hell.” He shrugged. “Can’t say I blame her, but I never got another chance.”

  Emma was a little stunned. “You cared about her?”

  “Of course I did, what do you think? Okay, I was an idiot and I thought maybe me and Riley would be friends with benefits for a while till I was ready, you know. But I was eighteen. And let me tell you about those Kerrigans...” He whistled. “You don’t have five minutes to think with them, know what I’m saying? Riley’s grandpa went straight to my dad and threatened to lock me up, for what, I don’t know—we were over eighteen. Adam coldcocked me and told me to never set foot near his sister again or he’d kill me. Riley—Riley said I’d ruined her life, caused her to lose her best friend and I’d be lucky if she ever even let me see my child. And you never came back. I was so screwed. I couldn’t win.”

  Emma was frowning. “You really cared about her?”

  “I was a little slow, okay? I admit it—I didn’t speak up fast enough.”

  “And Maddie told you where to find me tonight? What does Maddie know about it?”

  “Everything,” Jock said. H
is expression was composed and confident.

  She tilted her head to look at him. He hadn’t changed too much, actually. His hair was still a little shaggy but he had that handsome square jaw, pretty blue eyes and brows a little thick and bushy. And the lashes. Whew, girls would sell their mothers for some of those lashes.

  “Everything?” Emma asked.

  “I’m real close with Maddie. ’Course Maddie’s real close with everyone. She’s got a kind of gift. She knows how to make people feel okay about themselves. I told Maddie the truth a long time ago. I told her her mama was embarrassed about it all, maybe still upset about it. And I told her it was my fault because it was. But I wanted her to know—I really cared about her mom.”

  “But, Jock—you didn’t even go to the hospital when she was born!”

  “Yes, I did. I just waited for the Kerrigan clan to clear out. No point in getting my blood all over the maternity ward! But I went. I went a lot. The nurses knew the family was pissed—they let me in after hours. And I snuck over to her house when Adam and Riley weren’t around. Took me a year to get Maddie to my house so my mom could fuss over her. In the end, Riley’s fair. Plus, there was June. June put a stop to all the fighting and stuff, for Maddie’s sake.”

  “Well,” Emma said. “You didn’t carry a torch long, did you? You got married, didn’t you?”

  “Yeah, I’m so brilliant—that was me showing just how smart I am. Maddie was around ten or so and I figured Riley had no reason to hold off on us getting together. I thought it all through—I’d been helping with Maddie, keeping her sometimes, giving Riley whatever I could for support—I know it wasn’t much but I didn’t have much of a job back then. So I worked it all out in my head and ran it by Riley—we could be a family. Something about the way I did it really pissed her off. I mean really pissed her off. She said, ‘In your dreams, Jock.’ So I did the most rational thing I could think of—I married this woman I worked with. She had two kids, she was crazy about me. I wanted to have a home. It didn’t take me long after Riley shut me down to realize once I grew up a little bit, I wanted to be a family man. Turns out she wasn’t crazy about me for long. But you know me, Emma—I’m such an idiot, I think there was a part of me that was gonna show Riley— See, someone wants me. I actually thought Riley might be a little jealous. So trust me, I learned my lesson.”

  “My God, you have to tell her all this, Jock! You should tell Riley you screwed up when you were eighteen but you really care about her.”

  “Nah, that ship has sailed,” he said. “I’m not good enough for her anyway. You know how smart she is? I’m just lucky we don’t fight anymore. We get along okay. Maddie’s happy. Maddie—she’s incredible. You know Maddie’s even proud of me? Me? I don’t do much to brag about but I play some mean softball and Maddie comes to my games. All my friends and their families know her.” He laughed. “Riley even came to a game once. She left like her pants were on fire, but hell—she did come.”

  “You used to play some serious football, as I recall,” Emma said, her voice soft.

  “Only for fun after high school,” he said. “I’ve been with Mackie’s Electronics for a long time and I do all right now. To tell the truth, I do better than all right—I have the management of a store. I have a mortgage. A house and a mortgage. Riley won’t take support money anymore so she said just put some aside for Maddie for college. I’m sure Riley thinks I just ignored her, but I didn’t. I think Maddie can pick any college by now. Not that she’s going to need tuition—she’s the smartest kid in school. Like her mom was. Riley was valedictorian.”

  Emma laughed. “Yeah. I was there.”

  “So I’m sorry, Emma. Sorry I cheated on you. I should’ve broken it off with you when we stopped talking, when I started hanging out with Riley. If I’d done that one thing...”

  “Well, it’s all behind us now. You were forgiven a long time ago.”

  “You okay, Emma? I heard about how bad things got for you. Anything I can do?”

  “Nah. I have a job. I’m back in a town I know. I have a few friends.”

  “Maybe you could count me as a friend,” he said. “No ulterior motives,” he said, holding up his hands. “But if you need anything...”

  “That’s very nice, thanks. Right now I have to go. I worked all day and seeing both you and June... By the way, Riley doesn’t know I had dinner with June.”

  “I know. Maddie said we’re not exactly keeping secrets, but we’re not talking about it.”

  Emma laughed. That was what keeping secrets was. She made a decision—she was going to tell Riley about dinner with June. If it made her angry, she’d have to get over it. Emma was relatively sure Riley wouldn’t fire her. In fact, she might have to tell about Adam, too. Now for that, Riley might fire her.

  Jock was right. Those Kerrigans could really close ranks. But what should you expect from a family that had to stick together to survive?

  She shook hands with Jock, wished him luck, thanked him for making amends. By the time she got to Adam’s house it was almost eleven. The front door was unlocked. He had a fire going and was nursing a drink.

  “I had almost given you up for lost,” he said.

  “For a little while there I thought I was lost. My night started with your mom and Beatrice...”

  “I know Beatrice,” he said with a chuckle.

  “And ended with Jock waiting for me so he could apologize for cheating on me—sixteen years ago.”

  * * *

  Adam was tempted to beg for every moment of time Emma would spare him, to keep her close, to possess her. Hold her. But he knew she had to untangle her life. And he was part of it. She said, very clearly, she needed to try to build her life as a woman before she thought of herself as part of a couple.

  Last night in the glow of the fire she’d asked him, “Were you too hard on Jock? Did you scare him too much? Discourage him too much? Because it turns out he always cared for Riley. I mean, I think he loved her. And he adores Maddie.”

  “He was an irresponsible idiot,” Adam said. “Then. Back then, I mean. I know he’s gotten better over time. And don’t kid yourself, he’s not afraid of me!”

  “He did a lot of stupid things,” she said.

  “That’s an understatement.”

  “So did I,” she said. “So did Riley. You appear to be the only perfect one.”

  But he’d lost his temper with Jock. He’d hated Jock. He didn’t hate him anymore but he wasn’t crazy about him.

  Emma went home to help Penny rake up some dead leaves in her garden, to shop for her lunch supplies for the week, to launder her uniform. But she did invite him to share a pizza and a movie later. He knew that meant he’d somehow manage to spend the night. So he planned to spend some of his Saturday checking on his mother and buying another big box of condoms.

  He’d had plenty of sex in his adult life. Great sex, as a matter of fact. But he’d never had a woman who wanted him like Emma wanted him. She unfolded like a rose in full bloom when he touched her. She said his name with a kind of breathy awareness that turned him on so much, he was completely helpless. He’d always thought of himself as a man with great control, but he lost that with her. He teased her until she became a little wild and then he was done for—he went crazy with her and they blew up together. He thought he knew why it was that way with them. He was in love with her.

  * * *

  After the weekend, Emma found herself actually looking forward to work on Monday morning, even though it was getting particularly difficult cleaning with Christmas approaching and all the decorations littering the houses. She’d never seen her own Christmas decorations looking shabby or dusty! She now realized she must have had an excellent cleaning crew.

  Makenna had no trainees this week so in addition to working with Emma, Dellie and Shawna, she was visiting other teams at either Rile
y or Nick’s request. Makenna was part of quality control. “The fabulous four rides on,” Shawna said of their team. “I’m glad they haven’t moved you to another team, Emma. I like working with you.”

  “Why?” she asked before she could think.

  “You’re a hard worker and stay in a good mood,” Shawna said.

  “She’s still happy she got work,” Dellie said. “She’ll turn into one of us before you know it.”

  “If I have to push someone along all day...” Shawna made a face. “It just puts me in a temper.” Then she launched into a litany of shortcomings about team members who didn’t meet her expectations, everything from laziness to lying.

  In ten minutes they pulled up to their first house, the Christensens’. They cleaned here twice a week but it hardly needed once. Mrs. Christensen, Makenna had informed them, knew if they missed a piece of lint or a hair on the bathroom countertop. They were here every Monday and Thursday. Emma hoped she wouldn’t get the vacuum cleaner—those tracks had to be perfect. The house was huge.

  This was where Bethany, the fifteen-year-old with the carved-up desk lived.

  “How long have you been cleaning the Christensens’ house?” Emma asked.

  “I don’t know,” Shawna said. “I’ve been on it a year, I think. Dellie, how long?”

  Before Dellie could answer, Makenna jumped in. “The company’s been in that house four years now, but we’ve changed teams a few times. A couple of times Mrs. Christensen found the cleaning unsatisfactory and the other times it was just time for a schedule change. New people on the job usually freshens things up.”

  As luck would have it, Emma was assigned the dusting, vacuuming and linens upstairs. This time she meant to take a closer look in the bedrooms. Maybe there was a mystery to unravel. Maybe she’d spy some evidence of a visiting grandmother or another child. She’d like to at least see a picture of Bethany, the girl who threw away the expensive new clothes.

  The bathrooms and kitchen in this five thousand square foot custom home were usually fast work—Mr. and Mrs. Christensen had very demanding jobs and long hours. They didn’t seem to do much cooking, and the only even slightly challenging bathroom was the master bath. There wasn’t even much kitchen trash. Since they weren’t contracted to clean the refrigerator, it was against the rules to look in it but Emma had an aching desire to know what kind of food was there.