by Tori Fox
She goes into her bag and finds a piece of paper and a pen. “Here’s my number, baby. Call me.”
I crush the paper in my hand, angry over the endearment. Before I can push her out the door, she wraps her arms around my neck and presses her lips to mine.
And I make the mistake of not pulling away, not pushing her off me. Because the kiss brings back so many memories. Memories of the ten years we had together before she threw it all away. I don’t even realize I’m kissing her back until she moans into my mouth.
And that’s when I realize her lips aren’t the ones I want on mine. They are thin and sticky, not the plump ones I dream of. Her nails sharp as they dig into my skull, not the soft, callused hands that caress my body every night. And when I open my eyes, I see strawberry-blond hair, not the fire of my fierce wildflower.
I push her away and wipe my mouth, appalled at myself for letting that happen. When I look at Claire, that snake-like grin is back on her face. “I’ll see you around, stud.”
She walks out of my house and to her car. My heart and head battling over the reaction to her old nickname for me.
When I see her pull away, I slam the door and grab my phone to call Carson. I want nothing more than to run to Anna but I know her. I know her better than anyone and I know right now she needs time.
I walk into Carson’s office and collapse into one of the chairs facing his desk.
“That bad, brother?”
I rub my hands over my face, trying to find some sort of comprehension as to what the hell just went on in my life. The woman who I thought I loved for ten years strolls back into my life expecting to pick up where we left off. And the woman who now owns my heart has walked away. Even if she said she only needed space, I could tell by that kiss that she was giving up on me. Giving up on us.
“I fucked up.”
Carson takes his glasses off and folds his hands over his desk. “Clearly.”
I lean over, elbows on my knees as I stare at the Turkish rug on the floor of Carson’s office, memorizing the pattern on the edge of the rug.
I hear Carson get out of his chair and see his feet in front of me. “I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what happened.”
I look up to see him leaning against the front of his desk, arms crossed. “Claire showed up on my doorstep this morning.”
“Excuse me?” Carson coughs. “Did you just say Claire?”
I nod as I lean backward against the chair, throwing my head backward. “Anna answered the door. In my t-shirt.”
“Well Claire is no longer your problem, Noah. That divorce was settled. She isn’t tied to you anymore.”
“Not according to her.”
“She isn’t your problem.”
“Well she caused enough other problems.”
Carson sighs. “What did you do?”
“Claire is different. She’s changed. She isn’t the girl next door anymore. She acted like a snake. She insulted Anna.”
“And?”
I let out a long breath. “I didn’t defend her.”
Carson whistles. “Mistake number one.”
He knows me well enough to know that I can’t just let one bad thing happen when shit goes south. It always spirals into a giant snowball. Making my life a mess that takes too much effort to crawl out of.
“Anna left.”
“Permanently?”
I shrug. “I’m not sure. We fought. I begged her to stay. She said she needed space.”
Carson bites his thumb. “I see. And knowing you, you let her go?”
“I know how her brain works. She runs. When things get tough she runs away.”
“You didn’t chase after her?”
I groan. Maybe I should have this time. “No. I didn’t. I let her go because I know she needed that space. But when she kissed me, it felt a whole lot like goodbye, Car.”
“Doesn’t she leave for Nashville tomorrow?”
I nod. “That’s what worries me. She runs when her heart is broken. And now she is ready to go to this workshop and I’m not sure she will come back.”
“Did she say anything to you about leaving?”
“She said she would be back.”
“Well that’s good news.”
I shrug.
“So now lay on mistake number two,” he says, crossing one leg over the other.
“I blew up on Claire. She was spouting this nonsense about court documents and her contesting everything.” I look up to meet Carson’s gaze. “She says she had contested the divorce.”
“She didn’t show up for one court date.”
“I told her that. She was so pissed at me. Like it was my fault she left and that I moved on. I told her to get out. I think she wants to take me to court over all this.”
Carson nods as he looks me over. Sometimes I forget I’m older than him because he does seem wiser than me more than half the time.
“And now I am waiting for mistake number three.”
“Fuck,” I mutter into my palms. Once again scrubbing my face for clarity. “She kissed me.”
“And let me guess, you kissed her back.”
“It was an accident.”
Carson guffaws. “I’ve never heard of a kiss being an accident. A mistake maybe but not an accident.”
“The memories flooded back, man. The good ones. But it didn’t take long for me to push her away.”
“You know you are going to have to tell Anna that.”
“I’m well aware,” I growl.
Carson sighs as he takes the seat next to me, throwing a hand on my shoulder. “Look, I can’t do much for what’s going on between you and Anna. You need to fix that. But you also need to know something.” He pauses. “You still have love in your heart for Claire. Hell man, it took you five years to get over her. And it’s going to be hard to fight those feelings. Fight off what you have been trying to forget. But you need to if you want to keep the woman that’s right for you. Unless you want to make it work with Claire.”
“Fuck no,” I spit out. “I need Anna. She keeps my heart beating.”
Carson smiles. “I know, brother. I know. You are going to have to fight through this. Because this might be a tough battle.”
My eyes snap to his and I can tell he his keeping something from me. “What the fuck does that mean?”
He looks over to his office door that is slightly cracked and gets up to shut it. He moves back over to his desk and sits down, rubbing his palms over his face. “I fucked up too.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
He takes a moment to compose himself. “I could lose my license for this.”
“What did you do?” I growl.
“I did what was necessary to get you out of that marriage.”
A million thoughts float through my head. And all of them lead back to Claire telling me that Carson was lying. “She said you were lying to me.”
“I didn’t lie, per se.”
“Just tell me what the fuck you did!” I shout at him. My knuckles turning white as they grip the chair I’m sitting in.
He stands up and walks over to his safe, pulling out a manila folder of documents. “The day the judge filed your divorce, I came back to the office. My secretary left a pile of mail on my desk a few days beforehand but I was so involved in that homicide case, I ignored anything that didn’t pertain to it.”
I don’t like where this is going.
“I finally sifted through the mail. Mostly junk except for one envelope.” He opens the folder and slides it to the end of his desk so I can grab it. “She contested the divorce, Noah. But this was after months of not showing up for court dates. The envelope is postmarked three days before the paperwork was filed. Meaning it showed up on my desk the day before the final hearing.”
I stare at the signed letter. Dumbfounded. Pissed. Terrified of what this could mean.
“Before you flip off the deep end, this doesn’t mean the divorce won’t stand. But if she made copies, which I
am sure her lawyer did, the divorce can be turned over. And she could own half of what you own.”
“Fuck.”
“And she could potentially refile for divorce and take you for everything and alimony for negligence on my part because of this.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you let us work this out with her?”
Carson pinches his fingers between his brow. “She fucking destroyed you when she walked away from you. I never thought that would happen. Fuck, we had a family barbeque the week before and she was telling me how the two of you were talking about starting a family. I was pissed at her, man. Pissed that she tore you apart and made your life miserable. And to this day I still hate her because her walking away made you a shell of a man for five years. All of us feel like we didn’t have a brother for that time.
“And then Anna came around. And she changed you. You started to smile again. You shifted into the person you used to be. Hell, you finally put the effort into passing your detective exam. I know you failed it twice.”
I look up at him with a furrowed brow. No one knew that.
“Anna brought you back to life and I swear to God I will do anything to keep this document hidden, destroyed so you don’t fall back into the man you used to be. But in order for you to do that, you need Claire out of your life. You can’t let the ghost of her tie you down, wrap you up in bullshit to make you choose her.”
Carson is right. But I just don’t know how I am supposed to do this. “What are you going to do?”
“When this showed up in the mail,” he says laying his finger on the envelope. “I got a weird feeling in my gut. And you know my gut wins me cases.”
I nod. My brother is one of the best defense attorneys in the state.
“I think she is hiding something. I think she was hiding something back then too. I’m going to talk to my P.I., see what we can dig up.”
“What do you want me to do?”
“Stay the fuck away from her. And don’t you dare use your resources to try and dig into her life. That could be used against you.” He pauses. “And fix shit with Anna.”
“I want nothing more than to fix this.”
“Good.” He pauses. “But you can’t tell her about this either. I need strict nondisclosure.”
“Then how am I supposed to explain this to her?”
“Find another way.”
19
Anna
I watched Noah leave the house soon after Claire did.
I’m a wreck.
After everything I went through with Kyle I cannot find the energy to do it again.
I know this is different. I know Noah is just as confused as I am. But my heart can’t separate my past from the present right now.
I shouldn’t have run away. I should have stayed with him. Made that bitch say what she had to say in front of me.
But the fear of déjà vu was taking over my brain. Anxiety weighing down on my chest making it hard to breathe.
The worst part is I need Noah right now. I need him to breathe and he is the one person I cannot be around.
I take the last sip from the bottle of wine I was drinking. I need to get over to Noah’s and pack my things for Nashville.
I look around my half of the duplex. Fortunately, I still had a week to move out and could hide out here after whatever the hell happened this morning happened.
I grab the few things I have left here. A bottle of wine, a lone plant on the kitchen windowsill, and a notebook I found in a kitchen drawer. I leave my key in an envelope on the counter and make my way over to Noah’s house.
Strange that one conversation led me to think of his place as his and not ours.
I sniffle and hold back the tears.
I run upstairs and start shoving things into my bag, not really caring if I have any complete outfits.
Funny how things change. This morning we were celebrating our love, showing each other how much we love the other, and now I feel like it was all a train wreck.
I’m not sure what’s going to happen between us and I don’t know what I even want.
My heart is telling me Noah. That it’s simple. I need him in my life.
But my head knows it can’t go down this path again. Can’t be led astray by a man who might not want me completely.
And what is going to happen when I leave for two weeks. Is he going to find comfort in his ex-wife? Or will he be counting down the days until I return?
I bring my poorly packed suitcase downstairs and put it by the door. I head back inside and into my new music room. The one that has brought me so much life. I run my fingers over the records on the wall. Feel the softness of the plants hanging from the ceiling, draping off the walls. I look out into the slowly descending night, the stars not quite visible yet.
Will I be able to come back to this place? This new sanctuary Noah helped create for me.
The heaviness in my chest becomes unbearable so I head outside and watch the sky. I watch the sun slowly fade as the night turns black. The stars finally peeking out behind the clouds. I ask them for answers, for a truth I can’t find in myself. But they don’t respond as the tears fall silently from my cheeks.
I wake up as the smell of cedar and juniper infiltrates my nose, as I feel the warmth of a body against me. My eyes flutter open to find Noah carrying me inside. He doesn’t say a word. And I don’t need him to. Because being in his arms has given me the most clarity I have felt all day.
He quickly strips both of us of our clothes and follows me into bed. He presses a chaste kiss to my forehead before wrapping me in his arms, holding me tight, clinging to me as if I’m his lifeline.
He must think I fell asleep because he starts whispering all the words I need to hear in my ear. That he needs me, loves me, would be lost without me. I let him speak all his secrets into my hair as I feel his tears fall onto my shoulder.
I wake up the next day still wrapped in Noah’s arms. I have no idea how long he cried onto my shoulder. His tears comforted me for some unknown reason as I let myself fall asleep to the cadence of his voice.
I stir and his arms wrap tighter around me. I flip over and face him. His eyes swollen and red and I am not sure he slept at all. I run my thumbs along his lashes and press a kiss to each eye. I move to his lips, coaxing them open, yearning for the feeling he gives me when he kisses me.
One swipe of my tongue is enough for his daze to turn into a burning need. He flips me onto my back, his mouth attacking mine. Trying to prove to me how much he needs me.
But I feel a sadness in his kisses as well. As if he is holding back a secret.
I pull away from him and sit up. “We need to talk.”
“I know.” His voice cracks. And I know from those two words my heart will crack too.
I climb out of bed and take a quick shower. I don’t have much time before I have to leave. I hold back tears as I think about how our morning should have been. Us tangled in sheets, me running late because we can’t get enough of each other before I leave. Tears being cried over not seeing each other for two weeks after months of spending every day together, not because our world was torn apart yesterday.
Now I am crying because I am afraid. I am afraid that what he says may be the final words to make me leave this place for good. Leave him for good.
When I walk out of the bathroom, dressed and ready to leave, I find Noah sitting on the side of the bed. His face buried in his hands. My warrior of a man looking defeated and broken.
I walk over to him and place my hands on his shoulders, rubbing the tension out of them, giving him the freedom to tell me what ever he has to say that I know will end us.
“She kissed me,” he whispers as he looks up at me.
My heart seizes at the words. I don’t want to ask the next question but I need to. “And did you kiss her back?”
I can tell from his inability to keep eye contact with me that he did. The loss I was expecting to feel turns to rage as I step away from him. I tr
y to gather my thoughts but the fire in my veins burns too hot. “All of this, Noah,” I say as I gesture around the room. “Everything we built you just ruined with a kiss. God, how can I be so stupid to think that you were over her. That you could love me with every part of your heart. I’m an idiot. I can’t do this again.”
“Please Anna. It was a mistake,” he begs.
“You seem to be having a lot of those ever since she showed up on your doorstep,” I seethe.
“She means nothing to me.”
“And I don’t think I do either.”
“You mean everything to me,” he says as he tries to grab for me.
“Not enough.” My voice breaks.
“Anna, I love you so fucking much. I can’t live without you.”
“I’ve heard that before, Noah, and guess what? That man didn’t mean it either.”
He looks at me with the saddest eyes I have ever seen and I almost go to him, wrap him up in my arms and forgive him for it all. But I don’t.
“So this is it? This is the end?” he asks as a tear slides down his handsome face.
I love this man. I love him so much and I don’t know if I can step away. “I don’t know.”
“Please, I am trying to make this right. I don’t know what she is doing here. Let me figure this out.”
I look at my watch. I need to be on the road so I can get to Nashville in time. “I really just don’t know, Noah.”
“I’m not him, Anna. I won’t do to you what he did.” Noah’s voice grows stronger.
The thing is I know he isn’t Kyle. I know he won’t cheat on me. He won’t go back to her. I mean it was just a kiss. A kiss I can tell is tearing him apart inside. Yet I can’t find it inside of me to let it go.
My hand goes to the necklace around my neck. The one he gave me just twenty-four hours ago. The thought makes my eyes burn as I head to the stairs.
“Anna, I am begging you. Don’t end this. Not now.”
I turn and look at him, my heart begging me to take his side. But my head has other plans for me. I remove the necklace from around my neck and place it on the dresser by the doorway.