In the Suicide Mountains

by John Gardner

  “Hmm,” said the prince.

  “That,” said the abbot, “is the reason you have really no choice, as a prince and a feeling creature, but to kill the dragon Koog.”

  “I’m not sure I follow the logic,” the prince said.

  “What could be simpler, my dear prince? A dragon is a confusion at the heart of things, a law unto himself. He embraces good, evil, and indifference; in his own nature he makes them indivisible and absolute. He knows who he is. Surely you see that!”

  For a moment the prince did not answer; no sound whatever came from him through the darkness. Then: “Perhaps I’m a little tired,” he said.

  “Put it this way,” said the abbot. “Dragons all love life’s finer things—music, art, treasure—the works of the spirit; yet in their personal habits they’re foul and bestial—they burn down cathedrals, for instance, and eat maidens—and they see in their whimsical activities no faintest contradiction!” The words made the abbot gasp, as if the deep immorality of dragons was somehow personally threatening. Almost with a snarl the old man continued: “Dragons never grow, never change. Did you ever hear of a dragon committing suicide? Of course not! Believe me, nothing in this world is more despicable than a dragon. They’re a walking—or flying—condemnation of all we stand for, all we pray for for our children, nay, for ourselves. We struggle to improve ourselves, we tortuously balance on the delicate line between our duties to society and our duties within—our duties to God and our own nature.”

  He grew more animated. The room was in absolute darkness now, the fire in the hearth had died completely, but Armida could hear the abbot pacing, hurrying back and forth, occasionally bumping into the little table. He continued: “We human beings glimpse lofty ideals, catch ourselves betraying them, and sink to suicidal despair—despair from which only the love of our friends can save us, since friends see in us those nobler qualities we ourselves, out of long familiarity, have forgotten we possess. That, of course, is why the suicidal person is so difficult around his friends. I know all about these things, believe me. I don’t live here at Suicide Leap for nothing! ‘Get rid of all friends,’ thinks the poor mad suicidal, ‘and the end becomes a possibility.’ So he insults his friends, teaches himself to hate them; yet even then secretly he hopes they will save him; even then he reaches out, bawls for new friends! Ah, these contradictions! Fiends are legion, we discover; our noblest hopes grow teeth and pursue us like tigers! Well, never mind; to be human is, inevitably, to hate oneself sometimes, to hunger for the perfect stability and in a way the perfect justice—or at least perfect punishment for our numerous imperfections—called death. What was I talking about? Ah! Yesss, the dragon. Old Koog.”

  He stopped pacing, stood perfectly still, lost in blackness. “A dragon, my dear prince, light of my life, has no such feelings as these I’ve just described. His existence is a malevolent joke on ours, a criticism, cosmically unfair. While the good man throws away his life to gain life, twists and strains and, with luck, transcends himself—by perilous battle achieves self-respect and the honest admiration of his neighbors and friends—and while the bad man with still a speck of decency throws away his for the love of that microscopic speck, the dragon flies out in the service of mad whim or sits at his ease for a thousand years on his useless emeralds and rubies, his gold cups and silver cups, and scornfully laughs! Does that really not disturb you, Prince Christopher? Do you feel no rage at all at a thing like that?”

  After a moment Prince Christopher’s voice came from the darkness: “Perhaps I should sleep on it.”

  “Yes, certainly,” said the abbot. Quite suddenly, he showed his age: his voice was pure exhaustion. “Forgive me, I’ve kept all of you up too long.” Without another word, he went to a door and threw it open. Feeble light crept in. “This way,” said the abbot. The prince put down his brandy glass and came over to touch Armida’s shoulder. She pretended to awaken, though in fact, of course, she’d been spying intently all the while. She sat up, flapped her lashes once or twice, then rose. The abbot stood waiting, hands in his cassock. Armida went to waken the dwarf. When her fingertips touched him, Chudu the Goat’s Son gave a start and hurriedly turned himself into a book; then, fully awake, turned back into himself. “I dozed off,” he said.

  “It’s time for bed,” said Armida, and took a step toward the abbot. Now the dwarf, too, was on his feet, limping toward the light. The abbot led them down flagstoned hallways and across a stretch of grass to the monks’ dormitory—there was a mumble of praying voices—and when they reached the place gave them three rooms. The dwarf said as Armida was about to close the door, “Did I miss anything?”

  “I’m not sure,” said Armida.

  Something in her voice made Chudu the Goat’s Son look harder at her face, but she was imitating her step-sister again, so there was nothing there to read.

  “Good night,” she said, and closed the door.

  The dwarf moved on to his own room, the abbot standing in the dimness, watching with bright eyes. Yet his old face was drained, like a sick man’s. Chudu called at the prince’s door, “Good night, Prince.” Christopher the Sullen was already sound asleep, still in all his clothes. “Good night,” said Chudu to the abbot.

  “Good night,” said the abbot feebly, with a suggestion of a bow. Then the saintly abbot turned and, breathing heavily, just perceptibly dragging one foot, went his way.

  Chapter Twelve

  The following morning Prince Christopher the Sullen announced that he’d decided to fight the dragon. He spoke of going alone, but Armida wouldn’t hear of it, and since Armida insisted on going, the dwarf insisted that he, too, must go. The abbot ordered one of the monks to give Prince Christopher a map and said, “God bless you, my children.” Another monk was sent to bring up Boy. The horse, when he saw the prince sharpening his sword and battle ax and putting an extra fine point on his lance, was extremely uneasy, but he said nothing. He considered not allowing the prince to mount, and he was downright cross when he discovered that today he was expected to carry Armida and the Goat’s Son too; but it was a pretty day, with birds singing everywhere, and except for a stamp of his right front hoof he made no protest.

  Armida, leaning toward the prince’s shoulder, said: “Did you bring your violin?”

  “I always take my violin,” said the prince, twisting around in the saddle to look at her. “Why?”

  “No reason,” said Armida, and smiled so stupidly that both Chudu and the prince felt vaguely suspicious. They kept their thoughts to themselves, however; the prince heaved a deep sigh, and poked the horse’s side, very lightly, with his spurs.

  Speedily a tale is spun; with much less speed a deed is done. When they had crossed the first mountain, and then a second and a third, they came to a wide green valley surrounded by forest, and at the end of the valley, set among wildflowers and bones, they beheld a cave. There was a stink far greater than Chudu’s in the air, and though there were birds in every tree they were all of them as silent as fieldstones. The horse knew the cave of a dragon when he saw one, and he turned his head around and looked mournfully at the prince and wept a tear.

  “Well, this looks like the place,” said the prince, and bit his lips.

  Armida and the dwarf dismounted, and the prince sat awhile more, biting his lips and sighing. Armida stood combing her long yellow hair, her pale wrist so limp it was a wonder she could manage to pull the comb. “Have you a plan?” she asked casually.

  “Not really,” said the prince. “I suppose when I get there something will come to me.”

  Armida glanced at him, pursed her lips, and went on combing. “How do you feel?” she asked.

  “Oh—” the prince began thoughtfully. But he changed his mind and said no more.

  Chudu the Goat’s Son puffed at his pipe and batted his fists together nervously. He hadn’t quite realized how much he liked Prince Christopher, and how sorry he would be when he was dead. He began to feel cross, and then downright angry, at the world
in general. Against his carefully nurtured better nature he began to feel an impulse to destroy things—blast trees out of the ground, make the earth open up, or maybe stomp on his hat; but he controlled himself—as he always did, or almost always, when these dark urges came: he started counting. By the time he reached seven hundred thousand—he was counting very fast—he was mad as a hornet. If it were possible for a dwarf to kill a dragon he’d have done so on the spot; but dwarfs are impotent against dragons, no one knows why.

  “Well,” said the prince, and heaved another deep sigh, “I suppose I’d better get it over with.”

  “Good bye, Prince Christopher,” said the dwarf, and he took his hat off and held it to his chest.

  Armida burst out crying.

  “Don’t cry, Armida,” said the prince gently. “It’s not as bad as you think. I’ll tell you something. It feels sort of good, to tell the truth. I would have said it was sentimental foolishness, but it feels really fine to be battling a dragon, with a beautiful maiden looking on. No fooling. It’s the kind of thing a prince ought to do. Violin playing’s all very well, and poetry, but I am a prince, after all, you know? I may not be very clever or very strong, but my heart at least is manly. I’m glad to have found that out.”

  “I’m proud of you, Prince Christopher,” said Armida, trying hard to smile through her tears. “You will be careful?”

  The prince laughed sadly. “How can a person be careful with a fire-breathing dragon?” He sighed one more time, gave them a wave, and started the horse toward the cave. A puff of smoke came out the entrance. Chudu batted his fists together, counting like lightning, and Armida made a kind of peeping sound, holding back sobs. When the horse had gone twenty paces, lifting his hooves high, like a parade horse, not from pride but because he was sick with fright and wanted to take the shortest steps possible, Armida called out, “I love you, Prince Christopher!” The prince turned and smiled and waved again and blew Armida a kiss. When the horse had gone forty paces, Armida suddenly threw down her comb and ran after him. “Wait!” she yelled. “Wait!”

  The prince stopped and turned his horse sideways, letting her catch up. Chudu the Goat’s Son took off after Armida, putting his pipe out as he ran by poking his finger in the bowl, and reached the horse two steps behind her.

  “Prince Christopher, I have an idea,” Armida said. Her bosom heaved, and in her embarrassment at having an idea she blushed scarlet.

  “You do?” he said.

  “Yes.” She brushed her hair back. “Let me kill the dragon.”

  “You?” He looked baffled, then indignant.

  “I know, I know, it’s not what the beautiful maiden’s supposed to do, and I’m ashamed of myself for suggesting it—you can see that for yourself. But think about it. No one will ever know except us three, and I’m stronger than you.”

  “You are?”

  “Watch,” she said. She glanced around for some suitable demonstration, then settled on the horse himself, took a deep breath, and picked up the horse in her arms with the prince still on it.

  “Wow!” said the prince respectfully. The horse pawed the air and craned his head around to look.

  She put him down again. “Also—I don’t want to hurt your feelings, because I do love you, you know I do—but the truth is, I might be, well, smarter. I’ve thought of a plan.”

  The prince studied her, his expression so hurt they were afraid he might cry; then he turned away and picked at his beard, thinking. At last he said, “I can’t do it. I mean it, Armida. If it ever got out that I sat back and allowed a beautiful maiden to—”

  “But it won’t get out! You know I’d die to protect your reputation. And you won’t tell. What would that make me look like?”

  “Yes, but there’s the dwarf.”

  Armida laughed, though her eyes were still teary. Now she knew she had him. “The dwarf, you silly goose, loves me. He’s even a little fond of you, I think.”

  The prince looked down sternly at Chudu. “Is that true?”

  Chudu the Goat’s Son bit his lip, then nodded.

  The prince looked off for a long moment at the black entrance to the dragon’s cave. “Well son of a gun,” he said. After a while he said, “What’s your plan?”

  “We’ll use teamwork,” she said. “We’ll gang up on him. Your job is to play the violin. That will lure him out into the sunlight, where his magic charm won’t help. And then the dwarf will go into a horrible tantrum and shape-shift and ruin things until the dragon charges him. And then I’ll gallop in from the side on the horse and mash, mash, mash, mash!” With two hands she swung an imaginary sword. When she’d mashed four times, she held out the imaginary sword as a pointer. “Dead dragon.”

  The prince picked at his chin. His eyes lit up. “It just might work,” he said, and almost smiled.

  “Nothing doing!” said Chudu the Goat’s Son fiercely. “It’s not my nature to have tantrums.”

  “It’s your secret nature, dwarf, and we all know it.” She smiled as if she actually liked his secret nature, and she patted his hump. Perhaps in the back of her mind she was hoping it would bring luck.

  “It’s not fair!” yelled the dwarf, and snatched off his hat and began stomping it.

  “That’s good!” Armida said. “That’s perfect! When the dragon comes, do that.”

  “Ouch, ouch, ouch!” yelled Chudu’s hat.

  And so, despite Chudu’s protests, the thing was decided.

  “I’ll never live this down,” the prince said, gloomily shaking his head; but he let them help him off with his armor, and Armida put it on. She swung the sword and ax a few times and hefted the lance to get the feel of it. Then they helped her up on the horse, and Christopher the Sullen got out his violin, tightened the bowstrings, and carefully tuned it. Armida rode the horse into the woods so the dragon wouldn’t see him when he came barreling out.

  “Now?” the prince called softly.

  “Now!” Armida answered.

  Christopher the Sullen began to play. Chudu’s hair stood on end, it was so beautiful and tragic, and tears filled his eyes so he could barely see. He brushed them away with both hands to keep a bead on the cave-mouth. The music dipped and swooped like a mournful swallow, darting across the valley, gliding through the trees, and then, suddenly, there loomed the head of the dragon, peeking from the cave. The prince faltered, so horrible was the dragon’s look, then went on playing. The head snaked out farther, rising up into the sky and weaving as it came; it was wide and flat, like a poisonous snake’s, and the glittering tusks in its partly opened mouth were nine feet long. The eyes were black mirrors that reflected the whole valley, and the scales on the neck and chest and belly, like the bristles on his pate, were of colored metal plate and all brighter than lightning. Back and forth the head moved, slowly, terribly, like the head of a cobra; and now one foot came out into the valley—talons like a monstrous eagle’s—and after it a second foot. For a moment it seemed that the music alone would bring Koog into the sunlight, but with his two feet exposed he paused, for profound caution was in Koog’s nature, and his terrible head stopped moving. He seemed to meditate.

  At a hundred and forty-four thousand, Chudu stopped counting and went into his rage.

  “YARG! WOOF! YOWL!!” bellowed Chudu the Goat’s Son, and the noise was like a hundred volcanoes. The dragon jerked his head back. Chudu ran forward, trembling in his fury like a thrashing machine. Never in his life had he felt such pure, glorious anger. He turned himself into a thunderball and set a tree on fire, then turned himself into a mad bull elephant and stomped the ground until it split in a great wide seam and he almost fell in. He turned himself into a sheep and ran straight at the cave-mouth, then turned into a hawk and sped away just in time as the dragon spit flame and the sky rained soot. He turned himself into a laughing hyena and laughed at the dragon with bitter scorn, then turned himself into a silly old woman in a rowboat, drinking gin. He turned himself into a cat, then a bat, then a mouse, then a house, t
hen a huge, four manual pipe-organ.

  The dragon couldn’t stand it. He plunged into the valley with a terrible roar and a great belch of fire and came bounding toward Chudu with his vast, webbed wings half-extended. Chudu turned into thin air and was gone from sight.

  Out came Armida and the horse full tilt, the lance running straight as an arrow, cradled in her arm. The dragon turned sharply and raised his head to spit fire, but too late, his enemy was upon him, and before he could even cry out at her in righteous indignation I AM KOOG!, the lance went straight through him, and Armida had jumped up and was standing on the saddle, swinging with the broadsword, cutting off his head. It fell like some colossal boulder—the horse leaped back—and the mirroring eyes went unfocused. Chudu turned back into himself and lay panting in the grass.

  “We did it!” cried Armida, and waved her triumphant sword. She galloped back over to the prince and kissed him, and then, from pure high spirits, kissed the dwarf.

  After they were rested, Armida gave the prince his armor again and they tied a rope around the dragon’s head so they could drag it behind the horse. Then they started back.

  As they were approaching the Ancient Monastery, the prince said soberly, “There’s something I think I should tell you two.”

  “Yes?” Armida said and leaned sideways and forward so she could look past his shoulder at his face.

  “I’ve changed my mind. I think I won’t kill myself after all. The abbot was right.”