Deny Me: A Paranormal Romance (Legends of the Ashwood Institute Book 2)

by Jayla Kane

  “Yes,” he said, his voice ragged.

  “Naked in the locker room for two hours before someone found me,” I hissed at him. “And they told me you sent your regards. I’ve always wondered—were you specific, or did you just tell Marcella you hated me so she took the ball and ran with it?” He stared at me, his eyes huge, and I shook my head. “No way in hell I could tell you then. No way. My only hope…” I shuddered, trying to shake my own memories back in to the depths of my mind, to keep them from drifting to the surface, “I just wanted to make it through, get into the Institute, and find the Vault.”

  “Four years is a long time to hold on to that,” he said softly, but I shrugged.

  “Not if you think you killed somebody,” I said evenly. “Death is forever. Four years is a lot less than forever.” We stared at each other, and I finally moved back from him and took a long, shuddering breath as I leaned against the desk. “So I got into the Institute, and I should’ve known you would be Game Master by eleventh grade and planned accordingly but… I didn’t. I was hoping you’d take a gap year, at least. But here we are—and I don’t need to get in to the Vault to resurrect Tristan,” I told him. “But I still think we need to get into the Vault to see if we can get out of this.”

  “What?”

  “This,” I snapped, waving my hand in the air, encompassing the entire room. “The Society. I don’t need to be Sineater if I don’t need to resurrect Tristan—do you really need to be the Magi?”

  “I didn’t,” he said, leaning back in his chair and taking a deep breath. “But I think we’re stuck now, Raven, and besides, somebody out there—someone who might be magic as all hell, apparently—has it out for me. I can’t step back from my powers, or whatever that would be called, if it will leave us vulnerable.”

  “Us?” I shook my head at him. “I’m even more of a gimmick than I thought I was. The Sineater—”

  “Is the foil for the Magi,” he said, sitting up straight. I saw him try to stand and give it up, shaking his head like he was trying to shake off a drunk before leaning back in the chair and gazing at me, his face dark with worry. “Raven, what I was trying to tell you earlier… I have been crazy. I have been… Unable to sleep, seeing shit, just… Actually fucking crazy.” He bit his lip, his eyes straying to the carpet for a second before meeting mine again. “And then we had sex this afternoon, and… It started to wear off. I know—” He raised his hand in a placating gesture, asking me silently to let him finish, and I sighed and waited—“I know I was weird this afternoon after… After. But… I just heard you in my head. I saw it snowing in the office minutes before my not-dead brother texted me to meet him. And you and I…” He sighed, then tried again. “I mean, is any of that not a head trip?”

  “Of course it is,” I said, “but I was there—I was a part of all of that. And I didn’t make you feel—make you feel—” I felt the tears rising up in my throat and bit them back, unable to continue. Jake surprised me by standing up, his legs wobbling for a second before he strode over to me, resting his hands on my shoulders so he could look into my eyes.

  I’m sorry. I never want to make you feel bad about how we make each other feel good—not like that. Never like that. The rush of reassuring warmth I’d felt from his touch in Leo’s house earlier gently pulsed through his palms into me, and I tried to pull away. He held me fast. I did it all wrong. I wasn’t thinking rationally. I didn’t know how to ask for your loyalty—

  I yanked myself away. “It’s not the before—I… I don’t even know how to explain myself, I was still so desperate, I tried to tell you before—”

  “You don’t have to,” he said softly. “I think… Humanity has probably been trying to fuck the pain away since Adam and Eve, Raven. And if what I just felt—what you just showed me in your mind—is any reflection of how guilty… I mean, I knew you liked to be punished,” he said, his voice dropping another register, and I blinked up at him, his face only a foot above mine as he gazed down at me. “I thought it might be a kink, or the guilt I suspected… But I didn’t understand the suffering.”

  “You caused the suffering,” I said, and he inhaled sharply, as if I’d hit him.

  “I’m sorry,” he said again, but I shook my head.

  “I would’ve done anything to make this right,” I said, and I couldn’t help the tears running down my face. “I did do anything to make it right. But it wasn’t good enough for you—nothing was.”

  “I told you, Raven,” he said, reaching for me, “I didn’t get it, okay? I didn’t understand until about five minutes ago.” He let his hands drop when I stepped further away, backing up to the desk. I shook my head at him as he stared at me, his face falling.

  “So now it’s okay? Because you’re reassured that I was hurt enough?”

  “That’s not what I meant—”

  “Yes it is,” I said, embarrassed by how hard I was crying but unable to stop. “That first night? I did want to be punished. I didn’t care how hard you fucked me—it didn’t matter. I wanted it to be over, to be finished, to just move on to the next part of whatever was going to happen.” I couldn’t keep the pain and humiliation out of my voice, and when I looked up at him, his face was horror-stricken. “And you’re right—I do like it like that, anyway; not that I knew it at the time. But that first night, what really hurt,” I said, my voice catching, “wasn’t the roughness, it was… It was the second time, the time after, when I—” I couldn’t keep myself from sobbing, having to stop and take a deep breath before I could continue. “When I got to be with you like I always wanted, when… When I felt like you might still love me, at least a little bit. And then you took that away again—I know you were alone, I’m so sorry—but punishing me because I was afraid to tell you the truth? Really? Punishing me because I somehow still hadn’t given enough to your cause? Jake,” I said, and now I wasn’t the only one crying, although his tears were just tracks on his cheeks, “I know you were crazy. I believe you, all jokes aside. But maybe when we had sex and you got a little saner, I got some of your anger. This bond between us must go both ways. And you deserve to be punished too,” I said, smearing my tears away. “You’re cruel. So I’m angry—and sure, it snowed, and your brother showed up, and whatever… But here we are: you’re not crazy right now, and I’m angry. So where does that leave us?”

  “Raven… I told you,” he said, and I could hear the pain in his voice too… But it wasn’t enough. “I’m so sorry, Rae, I just—”

  “Don’t,” I snarled, understanding his reaction that first day. “Don’t call me that. Not right now.”

  We stared at each other. The room was now dark, the only light from the campus lanterns spotting the Commons, far below.

  “You’re right,” he said, his voice solemn. His admission startled me into silence. “You’re right. I wasn’t trying to—well, I guess I was. I was using what I thought you liked in bed to take out my anger on you,” he said, his voice rasping, and I watched as he wiped the remaining tear off of his cheek. “I didn’t think of it like that, but that’s what I did.”

  “Fine,” I said, shrugging, my tears stemming as soon as I heard his voice.

  “I’m sorry, Raven,” he said, his tone softer. “For all of it. You’re right.”

  “I know I’m right,” I snapped, then choked on another sob. He started to move towards me—why, I’m not sure—then stopped himself and rocked on his heels.

  “Rae, please—”

  “Don’t. Call. Me. That.”

  “Fine!” He threw his hands up in the air and began pacing back and forth, running them through his thick hair. “Fuck it, Raven. I hoped—when I showed you what I went through, I thought maybe—”

  “Maybe I could have a little compassion? Jake, come on.”

  “Yeah, I guess,” he said, slowing down, his eyes trained on mine. “You’re still right—you still get to be right, Raven. I was a piece of shit. I am still perfectly capable of acting like a piece of shit. You’re right. But liste
n, we can’t get out of this—we’re in it together. Maybe forever.” He stared at me. “I forgive you. Completely. I get it—all of it. I only wish I’d been less selfish, that I’d come to you and just asked you what the fuck was going on instead of being so fucked up in the head that it seemed like a better idea to… To do what I did.” He stopped and came closer to me, looking into my eyes. “Can you forgive me?”

  “I don’t know,” I said, my chest aching. He gritted his teeth, his hands once again moving as if he wanted to touch me, but he kept them by his side.

  “Please,” he whispered, and it made me cry again. We stood there like that until I shook my head.

  “You can’t force it, and neither can I,” I told him, and he nodded once, sharply, remembering, I was sure, how he felt for so long. I finally sat down on the desk, unable to look at him any more, my whole body trembling. “I think you should go, Jake. You’re right—we’re stuck in this situation until we think of something else, so I’ll talk to you—”

  “Tomorrow.” His voice wasn’t pliant; whatever his apology meant, it certainly didn’t make him any less forceful than usual.

  “Fine,” I said, but he didn’t move. “What?”

  “If I’m leaving, what are you going to do? Stay here? In the office?”

  “Yeah,” I said, sniffling into my destroyed shirt. I saw him shuffle his feet out of the corner of my eye. “What?”

  “You can’t. Don’t stay here, Ra—Raven. Please.”

  “I don’t want to deal with Zella like this,” I said. Or Baby, or Charlie… Or my mom. Or anybody else. What I wanted more than anything was to go back in time, a week ago, to the night I lost my virginity. I wanted to lay next to the man I loved, who touched me with such tenderness that I was sure, finally, that he might love me too—that there was a chance in hell all of this suffering might end.

  Jake was quiet for a long time. I fretted for a minute that he heard what I was thinking, then decided I didn’t care. “You can stay in my dorm room,” he said quietly, and I looked up at him. “You can’t stay here, Raven,” he told me again, glancing around him at the grim, formal room—the room where he’d plundered my dirtiest parts, the place where I was introduced to the idea that maybe I liked it rough, and a little dirty too, as long as I was getting it from him. But I could tell sex wasn’t what he was thinking about. “This isn’t a place you can stay. Come on. I’ll set you up there, you’ll be fine.”

  “I don’t—”

  “I’ll leave,” he said bluntly. “I’ll give you the key, and then I’ll go. Hunter stays in the room I don’t use sometimes, I’ll just ask him to make sure nobody bothers you; believe me, nobody will.” I didn’t need to be told twice. Hunter Black could freeze anybody’s blood with a glance. He didn’t have the luxury of Jake’s painfully tempting appearance or cashflow, instead relying on his size, scars, and tattoos as tools to intimidate and control. I knew from bitter experience, having been on the wrong side of him at Jake’s behest at least twice in high school. “Raven,” Jake said again, and something in his tone made me look at his face. He wasn’t asking me, I realized; he was telling me not to stay here.

  I almost grabbed his hand just so I could find out why. Was it possible he thought it was being watched? Or was he just concerned about me sleeping on the same carpet he’d left me to saturate with tears and piss a week ago? I had no idea.

  But I did want to sleep in a bed. Suddenly, I was completely exhausted—beyond exhausted. I just wanted to lay down and shut my eyes.

  Jake locked the office door behind us and pulled out his phone, shooting off a text as we went down the stairs. I kept a careful distance, not wanting to risk the brush of our hands or anything more intimate; I couldn’t handle one more minute in his head.

  When we got to his dorm, Jake unlocked it and handed me the key, carefully dropping it in the center of my palm. He went past the bathroom and knocked on a door there—two succinct raps with his knuckles, then one more with the flat of his hand—and Hunter opened it. He eyed me over Jake’s shoulder, silent as ever, and handed him a steaming bag. The smell of hot, delicious food filled the room, and my mouth watered instantaneously. Jake turned around, his eyes raking over my face; “if you need anything… Promise me you’ll let me know.”

  “I can’t do that,” I said, hesitating to take the food. He reached down and grabbed my hand with his free one.

  I’m not going to beg you, he said. I know you’re pissed right now, and you’re not thinking about how—

  “You never let me forget how you felt,” I growled, but he squeezed my fingers tighter, his eyes boring into mine. Hunter watched us, exuding quiet menace from the doorway.

  Please, Raven. I don’t blame you. But if you don’t give me a chance not to let you down, things will never change between us. I swallowed, hypnotized by those eyes; in the low light of the room the green and gold took over, and it was hard to think of anything more beautiful than this face, the one staring at me, somehow still managing to be demanding even with hurt and concern echoing out from behind that inhuman stare. Please Raven. Call me if you need anything—please. And Hunter will do anything that needs to be done. He’ll help too if you need it.

  “Yeah,” I muttered, my eyes sliding over to Hunter, “sure.” He didn’t blink, his black eyes taking it all in. “Sounds totally legit.”

  “Hunter,” Jake said, his eyes never leaving my face, “if Raven needs anything—”

  “Gotcha,” the big man said, an almost imperceptible shrug rippling across his heavy shoulders. He looked utterly impassive, like a statue.

  “Goodnight,” I said firmly, and Jake pressed the bag of food into my hands and stepped back through the door. I collapsed in his desk chair and devoured the sandwich—meatball sub, curly fries with extra bay seasoning; either Jake read that in my memories earlier or remembered a hell of a lot more about me than I ever expected—then realized all of my books and everything else was at home. Including clothes, toothbrush… I stood up, about to pull the key out of my pocket and wondering what the hell to do, when I kicked something under the desk.

  My bag. Full of my books.

  I dug through it and found some clothes thrown in with my papers and notebooks—no underwear, but two fresh shirts and a clean pair of jeans. Socks, even. I guessed Hunter did another quick trek over to my mom’s and shivered as I thought about him rifling through my drawers.

  Hunter didn’t do anything to me, exactly; he’d barred me from entering the library, once, and I found out afterwards it was because Jake was inside giving some kind of presentation. He’d just stood in front of the doors, letting me push against them while he effortlessly held me back. I had no idea what Jake was doing, never found out the details. Hunter just… Stopped me. Didn’t even look at me as he barred my way, like a statue, as always. The other time he was with Jake in the parking lot while a cadre of freshmen tried to impress them by calling me terrible names the entire time I walked to my car. Jake laughed his ass off. Hunter said nothing, did nothing, not a twitch or a smile or a frown. Just nothing.

  I pulled out my daily planner and groaned, the assignments I was so excited about already piling up, untouched, unfinished. It was late; I was too tired to even string a sentence together. It would probably be wiser to try this again in the morning.

  I peeled off my jeans, changed shirts, and double-checked the locks. Knowing it wouldn’t do a damn bit of good if Hunter really wanted to get inside, I dragged Jake’s desk chair over to the big door joining their rooms and propped it against the door knob. With those wheels, it probably wouldn’t stop anybody, let alone Hunter Black, but at least it would make a hell of a racket. I walked back over to Jake’s bed and gratefully laid down.

  And surrounded myself with the smell of him, of his fear and worry, the adrenaline in his sweat evident to me even through the scent of recently washed sheets. He said he’d only slept one night. Maybe my gift reacted to any human remnant, because I could feel the madness he’d descr
ibed. I got up, ripped the sheets off of the bed and stuffed them in the hamper, found a fresh set in the wardrobe and got the bed ready.

  It wasn’t until I laid down again, comfortably absent of any and all craziness, when I felt a ripple of misgiving.

  I hadn’t known it until just then, but I was looking forward to sleeping surrounded in a cocoon of Jake’s scent. I found it comforting, the last time I laid here. In his arms.

  It took me a long time to close my eyes, and longer still for my mind to quiet.

  Chapter Five

  Jake

  I thought about sleeping in the library, or doubling up with Hunter. Maybe I could crash in the garage, tuck into the truck, not have to answer any questions.

  But in the end I went back to the house.

  I entertained the thought of heading over to Leo’s and seeing if I could help put his place back together, then shook it off. Leo was the police officer I called when Tanglewood needed to be taken off the streets; he was a decent guy. We’d had a run-in or twelve over the years, and he hadn’t let me off because I was the sad, rich Warfield orphan; he hadn’t really let me off at all, actually, considering he made me wash his truck once, and another time, when he caught Hunter and I getting drunk in the cemetery sophomore year and made us clean the entire fucking church the next day. Weeding, scrubbing graffiti, washing pews, you name it. Leo was firm but fair, to use a mishandled favorite adage of my father’s; in Leo’s case, it was true.

  I didn’t mean to break his house. I just hated my brother. I hated him for lots of reasons—lying, disappearing, and abandonment being pretty fucking high on the list. But there was something worse. Something he took from me that I could never get back.