Hanamonogatari

by Nisioisin

  To the bitter end.

  Otherwise, where would I ever bring down my left arm─

  “Let’s hear it already. What the hell happened to you in the last three years? What’s been going on in your life? What have you been doing─for three whole years?”

  “You really are a serious girl if you think promises are always going to be kept. Promises aren’t to be kept or broken. They’re to be sidestepped.”

  “How is that different from breaking them?”

  “It’s different. You’re just putting them off for a while─and during that time, the promise itself becomes irrelevant. Don’t you see? People can even run away from fate…and that’s what my story is about.”

  So saying, Numachi hooked her devil hand onto the edge of the plaster cast on her left leg. Then, as though the cast were just a plain old bandage─no, as though it were toilet paper, a plain old bandage wouldn’t tear that easily─she tore it in half from top to bottom.

  “I should warn you, though, this is no tale. We’re past the part where a basketball player has to give up her athletic career, past the page where it says ‘The End.’ This is just the obnoxious afterword.”

  Underneath the cast, her left leg was also─naturally, obviously─

  A devil’s leg, covered in hair.

  “Forget about the arm for a second, the leg definitely looks more like a devil’s than a monkey’s, doesn’t it?”

  “…”

  “Listen, though, Kanbaru. I’ve got more of the devil in my flesh than just these─”

  022

  “Okay then, where to begin? It would speed things up if we just started with that district tournament three years ago when I lost the use of my leg, but that would be a little hasty if you’re going to properly understand the complexities of my outlook on life. I’m a firm believer that haste makes waste─as you well know─and I could not care less about making things easier to understand. As you also know, Kanbaru, my playing style consists of doing everything in my power to use up time, the great equalizer.

  “I would hate for you to get the impression that my accident was the source of everything─it did end my playing career, of course, and took my life in a completely different direction, but even before that I had been interested in ‘the unhappiness of others.’

  “In a very different way than I am now, though.

  “The complete opposite, in fact.

  “Lately I’ve thrown myself into my activities as Lord Devil and so forth, searching for ‘people unhappier than me,’ but back then I was comparing ‘my happy self’ to ‘unhappy people’ and puzzling over the contrast.

  “Why do I have this gift? Other people don’t seem to have this gift─like that. And by ‘this gift,’ I mean my reflexes.

  “You might call it a gift for ball handling.

  “Or─no, if we’re getting down to it, maybe it’s ‘excellent footwork’ that we’re talking about.

  “You might think that, as an athlete, I was a one-trick basketball pony, Kanbaru─and you wouldn’t be far off. But actually, that’s not strictly true. That is, they didn’t actually have a basketball team at my elementary school.

  “Just like you started out in the sprint, even though you didn’t technically belong to the track-and-field team, I started out in a different sport─in elementary school, I played soccer.

  “I had a good time kicking the ball around along with the boys. Like Captain Tsubasa says: I wasn’t scared, the ball was my friend─but, sad to say, in the end my friend betrayed me.

  “Friendship can be a scary thing.

  “Really I just overdid it, that’s all─maybe things are different these days, but we’re talking about a long time ago here. If a girl played soccer with the boys, and on top of that, kicked their asses, they hated you for it.

  “I was the queen of what you might call the Goal to Goal. They call it the Coast to Coast in basketball, right?

  “All the boys in the school hated me. And if the boys all hate you then the girls all hate you too, so in those days I was public enemy number one.

  “Does that sound like an exaggeration? For a kid that age, though, there’s nothing more terrifying than a ‘school without allies,’ is there? From what you’ve told me, it sounds like you’ve been there yourself.

  “But being in that environment made me think. If everyone was gifted, they wouldn’t hate me. So why do there have to be people in the world with a gift, and people without?─and from there on out, I strove to keep my gift hidden. I gave up on flamboyant Goal to Goal-type plays and devoted myself to defense. I still do: my Quagmire Defense or whatever people call it is the continuation of that.

  “Did my gift feel like a burden? Of course it did, no matter how I try to play it off. You must have felt the same way, Kanbaru. You seem to fancy yourself the hard-working type, but you’ve got it completely wrong. Your latent gift blossomed, that’s all─‘effort’ is nothing but a pat on the head for all the unhappy people. Look, all this is a result of our effort paying off. We’re no different from you, we just tried a little harder, we weren’t born like this, we didn’t just luck out─when all the while, what we’re really saying is so please don’t ostracize us.

  “The nail that sticks up gets hammered down─that’s the traditional ceremony of human society that gifted people need to fear more than anything else. Because the world contains far more talentless, unhappy mediocrities than them. The few happy, gifted people, like I was in elementary school, will always be crushed by majority rule, no matter how great their gift.

  “It’s truly terrifying.

  “A gift is happiness in and of itself, but by that same token it becomes unhappiness─it’s only because of where I am ‘now’ that I can look back on that period of my life and understand.

  “At the time I could only scratch my head at divine caprice. Or maybe that’s when the world started to seem more diabolical than divine to me. In which case, I guess it was the caprices of the Devil I was experiencing.

  “Though it’s only natural for the Devil to be capricious.

  “Even with that in mind, the reality is that the match is fixed from birth; the reality is that the same effort won’t yield the same result; and that reality is overwhelming. It’s the most deplorable thing in the world.

  “The boys on my team would talk about their dreams. I don’t think the J League existed back then, so they’d say, Someday I want to start in the World Cup…or something? Sure, it’s a wonderful dream. But listening from the sidelines, I knew. That it would never happen. It might be possible for me, but never for them.

  “I didn’t just think it either, I said it, which is why they hated me. Around fifth or sixth grade I learned to keep my mouth shut.

  “I say the ball was my friend, but it can’t be everybody’s friend─be it a soccer ball or a basketball.

  “Why did I give up soccer and start playing basketball? No particular reason. When I graduated from elementary school, I graduated from soccer as well, that’s all.

  “I wanted to try playing other sports. We only get one life, and it seemed like a waste to spend it devoting myself to just one thing.

  “When I was recruited for a scholarship, I told them, If I can play basketball instead of soccer. At first the scout scolded me─what the hell is this kid talking about? But after I showed him what I could do for three hours, he changed his tune.

  “I felt all torn up that, because I got a spot on the basketball team, there must have been a student out there who didn’t. I agonized over the unfairness of talent.

  “Why basketball, out of all the sports I could have chosen… I wonder. Since soccer is all about the legs, I guess maybe I wanted to try a sport where you use your hands. If there had been a handball team at my middle school, maybe I would have joined it.

  “Look, I told you that footwork was my forte, right? So I thought I would try upping the difficulty level.

  “From Easy to Normal.

  “Yup, Normal. Basketb
all was pretty basic to me… Don’t scowl like that, Kanbaru. If you hate it so much when people call you serious, then don’t get so worked up over a little light conversation. Anyway, I figure it was because my motivation for starting basketball was so shallow that I was punished, that I lost the use of my left leg. It was the Wrath of God.

  “I don’t regret it, but I get it.

  “I can recall that game even now.

  “Or maybe not. It was three years ago, so the memory has kind of faded─time has healed that wound, I guess.

  “What’s that? If time heals all wounds, then it’s a contradiction for me to comfort myself all these years by collecting unhappiness? Hahaha, you may be right─but wipe that smug look off your face. It’s not such a great point that I’ll take damage from it, I won’t even flinch.

  “It’s not like I think I’m absolutely right or something. I don’t think I’m wrong either, but even if I were, I wouldn’t go about things any differently. We all live with contradictions.

  “Or maybe I should say we all die with contradictions. Even after death, the contradictions go on forever.

  “Calling out contradictions is just childish, inelegant nitpicking.

  “You should understand that, o most serious Kanbaru.

  “Since no one’s more contradictory than you─no, never mind.

  “Forget I said anything.

  “Back to that game. First, though, would you like to know how I stood with my teammates?

  “Oh, you can imagine? Yeah, you probably can. Given that I turned that prestigious team into my own personal one-man show─yeah, not a great position to be in. But even though I was the number one player on that team by any measure, the number on my uniform was always 15. Bullying in sports is insidious, isn’t it. Which is why I hate it so much when people spout nonsense about a sound mind in a sound body.

  “Speaking of which, you and Higasa fit in really well with the rest of your team, didn’t you? No, just let me compliment you on that. I think it’s amazing to be able to get along with mediocrities when you’re talented. How did you kiss their asses to make that work?

  “Mostly telling dirty stories and playing the lovable clown, I imagine─the unwashed masses can’t stand a wholesome hero, after all.

  “I told you, don’t glare at me. You wanted me to talk, so I’m talking, obediently opening my heart to you, that’s all. Would you rather I lied? No, you want to hear the truth. Wait, you couldn’t possibly have thought that you were going to hear a ‘moving story’ from Roka Numachi, the unhappiness collector herself, the girl with a devil in her body, could you?

  “If you want a nice, moving story, go read some manga or a novel. You’ll find plenty of them at a bookstore.

  “What’s that? You want me to go on? Really? Okay then, here I go.

  “I’ll tell you about when I wrecked my leg.

  “Who was it we were playing against… I’ve actually forgotten. I’m pretty sure it was some ordinary team, not championship material or anything. Though since they managed to take me down, quite literally, I would be embarrassed if they hadn’t gone on to do well in the tournament.

  “Wha? The team felt responsible for injuring me and forfeited the next game? No shit… And they were scheduled to play your team next? Wow. Well, if you say so, it must be true, but what the hell were they thinking? So stupid. Forfeiting is a dangerous ideology.

  “No one is to blame for my leg getting broken but me.

  “The doctor diagnosed it as a stress fracture.

  “The location of the fracture sealed my fate─it wasn’t overwork that caused it, I think it happened because I neglected my cooldowns.

  “People who rely entirely on innate talent end up like that all the time.

  “The breaking point happened to come during a game, that’s all. It could have come during practice, or even while I was just lazing around with my legs in a foot-warmer.

  “Huh? No, in my house we keep the kotatsu going all year round. Is that bad? Think they’ll start selling an air-conditioner that works the same way? They already have a heater that looks like a fan, after all. And now that they’ve got bladeless fans, an AC that works like a kotatsu ought to be next. I should pitch that idea. I wonder how much they’d buy it for? I’m getting excited just thinking about it.

  “Anyway, sorry, I got off track there. Or maybe I’m actually still on track, since despite having the honor of being my team’s ace, I was a real layabout at home─I was careless with the gift that God, and the Devil, had bestowed upon me, so they got tired of waiting and took it back.

  “Like, Oh, you don’t need this gift? Okay then.

  “Ever since elementary school, I’d been relying entirely on my gift and pushing it too hard. My gift felt like a burden to me, so I punished it. Huh? Like my brown hair? Haha, nicely put. After all, a woman’s hair is her life, her most precious treasure. Yes, a special talent should be treated like a treasure, handled with the utmost care.

  “But they forfeited, huh?

  “Yeah. I mean, I get feeling some sense of responsibility when an opposing player goes down during a game─but you can just ignore that feeling and run away from that responsibility.

  “The weaker they are, the more serious.

  “No, maybe you can’t call such people serious. If anyone really felt responsible, they would have come to apologize to me while I was in the hospital. They only went halfway, no question about it.

  “Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not saying that I hate weak people. In fact, I prefer them. Which is exactly why I wanted everyone to run away from that responsibility, to think some idiot had just fallen over on her own. To laugh at me, even.

  “C’mon, it was meant to be funny, I wanna say.

  “See, that’s the part you’re misunderstanding, Kanbaru. When I say ‘run away,’ you’re picturing something negative, something pessimistic, but you’re wrong.

  “It takes courage to run away. Maybe more than it does to stand tall, more than it does to fight.

  “…Don’t be persuaded by my little word games. Running away is obviously cowardly. No way is it a courageous act. Still, you’ve got to accept your cowardice.

  “This is real life, after all.

  “It’s fine for characters in manga or whatever to act like they despise cowardice and timidity.

  “But this is real life.

  “I guess you could say I wronged that other team, in some sense. Because I squandered my gift, I planted a sizable trauma in the garden of their precious middle-school hearts.

  “But it’s not my fault that they made it worse for themselves.

  “I want to push them away saying, Not my problem.

  “But if they came to me for help, I would shoulder their unhappiness as well─by the way, Kanbaru, you might not understand this since you were only pretending to be injured, but the me who went into the hospital with that stress fracture was an empty shell.

  “No, no, it’s all thanks to collecting unhappiness that I can strut around like this now, all free and easy. I’m human, too.

  “I feel down, I get depressed.

  “My feelings get hurt, I have regrets.

  “I’d only taken on the challenge of playing basketball to up the difficulty level for myself, but it wasn’t until after I’d lost out that I realized how much I loved that game.

  “The gift that I’d treated so haphazardly was an irreplaceable treasure. I came to understand that what had felt like a burden had in fact been very precious to me.

  “Yes.

  “However much I’d been despised at school, however disconnected I’d felt from my teammates, I’d been happy.

  “And now I was unhappy.

  “I’d become an unhappy, pitiful person.

  “The funny thing is, the teammates I’d always butted heads with and the teachers who thought I was a pain in the ass all turned strangely kind and came to wish me well.

  “Sorry for everything, we pushed you too hard, shit like th
at.

  “No, I was moved, I cried. I clasped hands with those girls and we apologized to each other.

  “But after they left the hospital and went home, I started wondering what the hell I was doing. Sure, I had been moved, but so what?

  “Moved or not, nothing changed the fact that my left leg would never be able to stand the strain of playing sports.

  “So I quit school. I didn’t even want to be near it anymore, so I asked my parents if we could move, and they agreed─that is, we had moved there in the first place so I could go to that middle school, my dad had been so excited about it.